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Stupid, Shiny Vampires

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Summary: The Cullens come to Sunnydale. Spike gets jealous. Pure crack-fic, where nearly everyone is out of character.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Twilight > Spike - CenteredxaphaniaFR1311,0951102,0528 Oct 088 Oct 08Yes
A/N: This little plot bunny got stuck in my head and refused to leave until it was written. So here's the result... pure crack-fic, not meant to be taken seriously.

Disclaimer: Everything Buffy-related belongs to Joss Whedon & Co., the Twilight vamps belong to Stephenie Meyer.


Stupid, Shiny Vampires


“It’s not him, don’t be stupid Rosalie.”

“It is! It’s got to be.”

“Why on earth would he be here, of all places?” The brawny man frowned, eyes narrowed.

“Look at his hair,” Rosalie said, pointing. “It’s him, I know it is. Go ask him for me? Please, Emmett?”

“Why can’t you ask him yourself?” The man – Emmett – replied.

“Please,” the blonde scoffed, “I ca-”

Spike watched the conversation with mildly disguised interest. The couple had caught his eye as soon as they’d walked into The Bronze. They were statuesque, almost too good-looking, and their skin glittered iridescently under the flashing lights. When they’d started talking loudly and gesturing in his direction, his curiosity was well and truly piqued.

“Oh joy, it’s Captain Peroxide.”

Spike rolled his eyes when he heard Harris’s voice, turning his attention away from the obscenely attractive couple in the corner.

“Nice to see you too, Whelp,” Spike smirked, taking a long drink of his beer.

“What do you want, Spike?” Buffy said, as she sat down on one of the stools, Willow, Tara and Anya doing the same.

“What do I want?” Spike sputtered. “You lot came and sat at my table. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I was busy eavesdropping.”

He turned his attention back to the couple in the corner, and winked when he caught the blonde’s eye.

“Oh my god,” Anya’s jaw dropped.

“Woah,” Buffy was stunned speechless.

“Holy crap,” Willow’s eyes widened.

Spike swivelled in his seat, turning to see what had caught the girl’s eyes.

A man and a woman, walking in the direction of the couple he’d been watching.

“It should be illegal to be that good looking,” Buffy said.

Spike’s jaw clenched.

“Alice, Edward,” Emmett greeted the new arrivals.

“Alice!” the blonde shrieked, “Look over there. Tell me that’s not William the Bloody. It is, isn’t it?”

The group of ridiculously good-looking people turned as one to look at Spike.

Spike smirked. So they’d heard of him, had they? His smirk faded when he heard Buffy begin to hyperventilate.

“Ohmigod, ohmigod, they’re coming over here,” she chanted.

“Hi!” the little one – Alice – said, chirpily. “You’re William the Bloody.”

“I go by Spike now, pet,” he smirked.

“I told you it was him,” the tall blonde said, crossing her arms in front of her and raising her eyebrow at Emmett. “Pay up.”

Spike frowned as he caught the group’s scent. It was odd, intoxicating, and definitely not human.

“You’re right,” the other man - the one with bronze coloured hair – said, apparently reading Spike’s mind. “Alice?”

Alice closed her eyes, and seemed to be concentrating on something.

“Oh, this is good,” she said, giggling. “We can tell him, and his friends, it’ll be quite interesting.”

“We’re not his friends,” Xander put in.

“Thank god for small mercies,” Spike muttered. “So, what sort of demon are you lot?”

“They’re demons?” Willow yelped.

“They can’t be,” Buffy said, “I mean, they’re so…so…shiny.”

“We’re vampires,” Alice said.

“No you’re not,” Willow said, immediately.

“We are,” Alice nodded.

“But…vampires are all with the grr and the argh and the ugly,” Willow replied, frowning.

“Hey!” Spike put in, indignantly, liking the situation less and less.

“If you’re vampires,” Buffy said, her slayer instincts not reacting in the slightest, “then show us your vamp faces.”

“Oh, we don’t have those,” Edward said, grinning. “Nor are we affected by crosses, holy water, stakes through the heart or sunlight.”

“Sunlight makes us sparkly!” Alice chirped.

Spike frowned. “Let me get this straight. You want us to believe that you’re vampires – but crosses, stakes, holy water and sunlight do nothing?”

“That’s about the short and short of it,” Emmett replied. “You could have a go at beheading us, that would do the trick. Kinda.”

“I don’t understand,” Anya whispered loudly, “they’re not vampires if none of that stuff works on them.”

“Too right,” Spike scoffed, “and sunlight makes you sparkly? We’re expected to believe this?”

“Well… yeah,” Rosalie said, her arched eyebrows raised.

Spike crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Edward. “If you’re vampires, then you’re not very good ones.” Go away. You’re making Buffy drool.

Edward flashed Spike a grin, his teeth glinting. “I beg to differ.”

“Yeah?” Spike slid off the stool, slipping into game face. “How about we head outside an’ see who’s the best vamp, then, eh?”

“Hey! No fighting!” Buffy turned to look at the Cullens. “You’re all way too pretty to be evil, and Spike is, well, impotent so can’t we all be friends?”

She ignored Spike’s annoyed ‘Hey!’ and barrelled on. “I mean, look at me, I’m the vampire slayer and I’m not making with the stakage,” she paused. “Although you said stakes don’t work on you, so that wouldn’t really be at all productive… do they really not work? Can I try?”

Emmett puffed his chest forwards and spread his arms wide. “Have at it.”

Buffy grabbed a stake from her purse and aimed it at the big vampire’s heart. The stake crumbled into splinters as it made contact with his chest.

“Woah,” Xander said, eyes wide. “Guess you weren’t lying.”

“That was wicked cool,” Buffy grinned, looking down at the splinters in her hand. “You’re like, the coolest vampires ever!”

Spike snorted. “I don’t bloody well believe this.”

“Can you do anything else?” Anya demanded. “If you’re special vampires, shouldn’t you be able to, I don’t know, go poof or move objects with your eyes?”

“I can predict the future,” Alice grinned. “And Edward can read minds.”

“Wow,” Willow said. “That’s so cool.”

“Dru could predict the future,” Spike said, pouting. “And she read minds, too.”

“Our brother controls emotions,” Emmett said, enjoying the attention that was being lavished upon him.

“That’s called thrall, you git,” Spike said, teeth clenched.

“And I’m incredibly beautiful,” Rosalie finished, with a toss of her hair.

“Dru said I was pretty,” Spike commented. No one replied, their attention focused solely on the shiny vampires in front of them.

“This is just bloody perfect, this is!” Spike all but shouted, a few moments later. “You lot have hated my kind for years, then these pathetic excuses for vamps come along and everything’s hunky dory? Well I’m not having any of it. When they kill you with their…their…shininess, don’t come crying to me!”

“Jeez, jealous much?” Buffy said, and turned back to Edward, whose skin was sparkling under the disco lights.

Spike glared, and stormed out of the Bronze, leather duster flapping at his feet.

Stupid, shiny vampires.

The End

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