Complications with orientation

Disclaimer: The characters are J. Rowling’s, not mine.

A gloomy autumn evening loomed over Knockturn alley. Professor Snape, as he walked past suspicious-looking shops and stands, was equally gloomy.

“Something must be done about this. This goes beyond any limits!

‘There’s Lucius. He looks at me oddly, constantly invites me to visit, grins meaningfully, and tries to stay with me one-on-one! Moreover, he is recently married! Odd, very odd!

‘Or take the Dark Lord. Yesterday called me before all as his favorite Death Eater. Moreover, stared with those freaky little yes of his! Yikes! I would have never guessed that he leans in this direction. Look, Bella’s constantly next to him, what more could he need?!

Moreover, Dumbledore! Those daily meetings in his office under the pretenses of information about the Lord. As if, all owls have died from plague. It is suspicious, suspicious! I have told him to his face, that Lilly is my only love, and he: “Wonderful, my boy! Love is a great power! Do you want to join the Order of the Phoenix?” I am a boy to him?! He is all, you see, for the love of boys. Yikes! If only there was just one man of a normal orientation!”

Therefore, the professor walked, thinking such gloom, and suddenly he felt a definite… tender pat on the ass.

The moment later the unknown offender was smashed into a wall of a nearly shop and with eyes wide from fear watched the furious hysterics of the respected professor Snape. The latter yelled most apolitically that, Avada, there are so many sexual alternatives, that, Cru- ah, he had enough with them, that, Sectus- ah, he will not take it any more! He paused for breath – it happened now when he shouted something like “Why I them…” – here he must have remembered something from the past and felt silent.

This pause was enough for the pour man to cry out:

“Don’t! Spare me! I am straight! I am a PICKPOCKER!!! A thief!!!”

“For real?! Honestly?” Snape brightened.

Thus, Mundungus Fletcher joined the Order of the Phoenix.