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Four (New) Horse[persons] of the (Anti)Apocalypse

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Summary: A nice and accurate story about a friendly meeting by the side of the road

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Sir Terry PratchetttactlessFR1312,49120494,09012 Oct 0812 Oct 08Yes
Disclaimer: 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' was created by Joss Whedon and 'Good Omens' was written by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I am none of these people and therefore claim ownership of none of the characters mentioned in this piece of fiction

A/N: the author would suggest picking up a copy of 'Good Omens' for anyone who hasn't read it. It's a fun read.

Warning: This story has received no beta read and only passing spell checking.

Warning: Many (Mostly unnecessary) parenthetical asides ahead.

The Four (New) Horse[Persons] of the (Anti)Apocalypse

It had all started out innocently enough. Just four friends (well, acquaintances...Well, actually they just knew each other, really. But they all got on well enough with each other...After a fashion. Any way.) Four friends (For the purpose of this tale) heading out for the day to catch a Manchester United match and to have a day off from their normal (for them) worries.

Spike: Who looked very distinctive with his very white hair and his very black and very long leather coat, had been what is commonly referred to as a 'Football Hooligan' since before the term had been invented and was determined to see as many matches as possible now that, with the help of the (slightly tacky) amulet he now wore, he could watch the games during the day.

Dawn: Wearing jeans and a blouse that were perhaps a bit to small for her, due to the fact that she had 'borrowed' them from her sister, was a much more recent convert to the joys of European Football. Her fascination with the sport began after she had been assisted (rescued really, but don't you dare tell anyone) by the patrons of the 'Bawdy Goat' pub on her way home one night. She had a remarkably good time that night with her new friends even if she never could figure out what the song 'Morning Train' had to do with anything.

Faith and Xander: The two could care less about where they were going, or what they were doing. They had decided independently (They were not 'together' and would deny it until there dieing days, or until they were caught out again, which ever came last. Besides, it was just sex...Really. Where was I? Oh, yes.) They had decided that, 'Screw The Council they needed a day away from all the teenagers'. Even if it meant spending the day with 'that asshole, Spike' (from Xander's point of view), or 'that whiny brat, Dawn' (according to Faith). They had even decided (once again, independently) to wear clothing more conservative then normal. In Xander's case this meant that his shirt boasted only two colors that clashed with...well, everything...And for Faith this meant that her clothes needed to be squeezed into as apposed to being painted on.

As I was saying, it had started out innocently enough until the four had gotten lost.

“How the hell could you get lost? You're from here!” That was from Xander.

“Well, it all looks different in the sunlight, don nit?” That was from Spike.

And the car had broken down.

“The Council payed for this piece of shit?” Faith asked in her normally calm fashion.

“It was cheap,” Dawn answered in her equally calm way.

The car had given up the ghost on a long, deserted stretch of road. (There really are deserted stretches of road in Brittan despite the fact that the British Isles are really quite small when you think of it...Really)

Faith amused herself for roughly fifteen minutes by convincing the others that the problem with the vehicle was obviously the blinker fluid and then watching as her companions rummaged under the hood looking for access to said blinker fluid and debating the best way to refill the same.

Dawn then spent five minutes cursing at Faith after she and the two males realized that flashing lights really don't need fluids of any kind to operate.

Spike and Xander, of course, passed the time by aggravating each other, though later everyone would agree that Spike making Xander eat dirt was probably taking things a bit to far.

Their wait by the side of the road had reached the 45 minute mark when the quartet heard the rumble of approaching thunder. (Which, of course, is the simile often used to describe the sound of motorcycles. Especially when the sound of said motorcycles is intended to give an ominous impression to the readers.)

A moment later four massive Harleys crested a small rise and came into view, ridden by four riders (very much from central casting) covered from head to foot in shining black leather and wearing helmets that completely hid their features. The four bikes coasted to a stop and the four riders, showing an amazing amount of synchronization (and possibly extensive practice) dismounted simultaneously.

Xander and Dawn got a bad feeling.

Faith and Spike smirked.

Xander and Dawn's feelings got worse.

WE ARE THE FOUR RIDERS OF THE APOCALYPSE,” The first figure boomed in bold, capital letters. “I AM GRIEVOUS-BODILY-HARM.”

The second figure looked up to Grievous-Bodily-Harm and asked.

“Do we have to do the whole booming voice thing? It makes my throat dry.”

Grievous-Bodily-Harm (GBH for short) turned his head to stare at his companion.

The second figured sighed. (He really did hate doing the whole booming voice thing)

“Fine,” He mumbled. “I AM CRUELTY-TO-ANIMALS. There. Happy? Core, I could really go for a pint now.”

The third figure shrugged, then straightened. “I AM CALLED REALLY-COOL-PEOPLE.”

At this point Faith, Spike and Xander were all having a hard time holding in their laughter. Dawn wasn't bothering to hold in an impressive eye roll. (She had a good teacher and a lot of practice, after all.)

Finally the fourth Rider stepped forward.


“Hold on,” Said Really-Cool-People. “What happened to being People-Covered-In-Fish?”

“Bugger that,” Exclaimed Cruelty-To-Animals. “I thought he was still Things-Not-working-Properly-Even-After-You've-Given-Them-A-Good-Thumping.”

ENOUGH!” Boomed GBH raising his hand and silencing the other three. “HE IS PEOPLE-WHO-CAN'T-BLOODY-WELL-MAKE-UP-THEIR-BLOODY-MINDS.”

He turned to the four people and their broken down car.



While this was all going on, the four Council members were have a quick conversation of their own.

“Who are these losers?” Faith asked.

“Didn't ya hear, luv,” Spike answered with a smirk. “They're The Four Riders of the Apocalypse.”

“I can't say I'm impressed,” Shrugged Xander. “Besides, I thought The Four Horsemen...”

“...Riders,” Dawn corrected.

“Whatever. I thought The Four Riders of the Apocalypse were, like, War, Famine...”

“...Pestilence and Death,” Dawn finished. “They were, but they quit and these idiots took their place.”

“They can quit?”

“Yeah. Something about the Antichrist not doing his part and not wanting to destroy the world. They've got jobs as lobbyist in Washington now.”


The four friends (once again, for the purposes of this tale.) looked up to see the four leather clad Riders approach menacingly (Well, it would be menacingly for you, or me, but not so much for our heroes.)

The fight was brief.

Cruelty-To-Animals managed to land a good right cross to Xander's jaw, but the one eyed man was used to those and it didn't really accomplish much.

And People-Who-Can't-Bloody-Well-Make-Up-Their-Bloody-Minds (but secretly Never-ending-Medical-Bills) gave Dawn's hair a sound pulling. (This was a really bad idea on his part.)

But all in all the fight only took a few minutes. When it was over Faith leaned against the immobile car with a huge smile on her face while Spike and Xander tried desperately to look anywhere but at Dawn while she repeatedly kicked People-Who-Can't-Bloody-Well-Make-Up-Their-Bloody-Minds (But now was Repeated-Hard-Kicks-To-The-Wedding-Tackle) in a very sensitive place.

“No one.” Kick. “Touches,” Kick. “The hair.” Kick, kick, kick. “EVER!”



After Dawn had been lured away from her victim by a tempting brush supplied by Xander, (Slayer and vampiric strength being useless against and enraged Summers girl) Faith mounted one of the now riderless bikes, (And by mounted I mean sat on...Pervert.) with a huge smile.

“Wicked, new bikes!”

But after several turns of the key and a few well placed thumps (It really is irritating when things don't work properly even after a good thumping.) nothing happened.

“What the Hell?”

“Uh, Faith,” Asked Xander. “Are you sure you want to be sitting on the evil, demonic, motorcycle?”

What followed was a long, expositionary discussion where Dawn (Can anyone really see Faith, Spike, or Xander doing research if they didn't have to?) revealed that the motorcycles, though magical, where neither necessarily evil, nor demonic.

“So,” Asked Spike. “All we have to do is pick out horseman...”


“What-bloody-ever. We pick out four Rider type names and we can ride the motos?”


“And it won't make us evil,” Verified Xander. “So, we could use the bikes to ride around and stop apocalypses?”


“And you really are a whiny little brat who needs to get out more before her ass gets even fatter.”

“Riiii...Piss off, Faith. There is nothing wrong with my butt.”

“Right, then,” Said Spike, giving his lapels a good tug. “I'll be...”

“Wait wait wait,” Interrupted Xander.

“What the bloody hell, Droopy. Wait your bleedin' turn.”

“No, no. I was just thinking that we probably be better off we didn't choose our own names. I mean these losers...”




“...Had to have picked their own names,” The one eyed man continued. “And their names? Much with the lameness.”



“I think I've gone numb.”

Kick kick kick.

“Nope, not numb,” Sob.

“Right, then,” The blond vampire primped. “Give me my card then.”

“Nah,” Faith disagreed. “Start easy and work up, yeah.”

Saying that the dark haired Slayer and Dawn exchanged a look and pointed at Xander.

“Chaos,” The two women said in unison.

“Oh, that's not cliche,” He complained (With more that a little sarcasm and a dash of affront to add texture). “'Weird stuff always happens around Xander.' 'Xander attracts more trouble than a hellmouth.' 'Xander...'”

“Well, Droops. It's either that, or 'Unfortunate-Dating-Habits.”

“Hey,” Said Xander.

“Hey!” Said Faith.

“Hey! Said Dawn .

“Oi!” Said Spike.

The other three and the whimpering biker gave the vampire an odd look.

“Well, I didn't want to be left out did I?”

“Fine,” Xander huffed. (Though he would deny it later.) “Whatever, I'll be Chaos.”

The other three covered their eyes from the great, blinding flash. After a moment they looked up and then had to cover their eyes from the great, blinding leather bicker outfit.

“Core, blimey,” Spike exclaimed. (very stereotypically.) “There's no way that color green is natural.”

“Eeewww,” Agreed Dawn. “Not to mention the yellow, orange and the...Is that periwinkle?”

I KINDA LIKE IT.” Boomed the Scooby in question, his voice distorted by his new helmet which appeared to be painted to look like a sunset designed by Escher. (If Escher had spent three days smoking something very illegal and then gotten blind, stinking drunk.)

“So who's next,” Asked the youngest member.


“Yo, X, you sayin' I'm easy?”

Dawn looked at Chaos.

Spike looked at Chaos.

Chaos looked at a tree by the side of the road that had suddenly become very interesting.

(Little did anyone realize that the tree was in fact very interesting indeed, being not only the oldest living thing in Europe, but also the prison of a extremely irate Merlin who had been trapped in the tree by a witch after he had informed her that the new dress she wore, in fact, did make her look fat and that he was sleeping with her sister. It was also the home of a very nice family of squirrels who, out of sheer boredom had invented a teleportation device and were currently having a disappointing holiday on The Isle of Man due to the fact that they had misunderstood when they overheard someone mention that the place was full of nuts.)

After an extremely brief debate The Dark Slayer was given a name.

“Wicked,” She smiled. “I'm Lust.”

There was another flash of light and her cloths changed into a skintight leather of an eye catching red. (As a matter of fact it caught the eye and guided it around curves that made the brain think of things that shouldn't be discussed in polite company.)

“Wow,” said Chaos who had taken off his helmet. “You look like a red version of Emma Frost.

“Who?” Asked Dawn.

“Who?” Asked Spike.

“Really. Ya think...I mean, who?” Asked Lust.

Next up was Spike.

“Hold on a tick. Where do you get calling me Obsession?”

“You obsessed over Dru,” The dark haired man pointed out.

“You obsessed over Harmony,” The former key to the universe continued.

“And you obsessed over B,” The Bostonian finished.

“Oi, I never obsessed over Harmony.” The vampire corrected. “She was just a good shag.”

“Well,” Dawn snorted. “Practice makes perfect.”

“Have off, she said she was a virgin.”

There was a long, drawn-out moment of shocked silence.

“And you believed her?”

There was another long, drawn-out moment of silence.

“Right then, I'm Obsession.”

There was a third flash of bright white light and Spike was wearing...

...A new helmet.

“That's it? A bleedin' helmet?”

“Well, gee, Spike,” Xander offered helpfully. (Yeah, right.) “Maybe if you think about it night and day to the exclusion of everything else, maybe you'll get a different outfit.”

“Right, good idea Xa...Oh, piss off, wanker.”

Finally in came to be the youngest member's turn. Despite their agreement to let the other members of the group decide on each of their new 'Rider' names, she bounced around the outside of the other's huddled forms (a lot like an overexcited puppy) giving her opinion as to what her new tittle should be.

“Bossy-Older-Sisters. Come on Bossy-Older-Sisters. It's suppose to be bad things and everyone hates Bossy-Older-Sisters.”

After several minutes of whispered debate Obsession poked his head above the huddle and gave Dawn a (Not really very) friendly smile.

“Well, bit,” He smiled. “We've decided, and you're going to be...(here he paused long enough for Chaos and Lust to get over their fit of giggles)...Petulance.”

“That's so unfair! You guys get to be cool things like Chaos, Lust and Obsession and I'm Petulance.”

There was a bright white flash of light.

“Yo, I've never seen pink ridin' leathers before,” Said Lust.

“I think the white lace trim is a nice touch,” Opinioned Chaos.

“Look on the bright side, bit,” Offered Obsession helpfully. “If you say it fast enough blokes'll think you're one of the original four.”

With that being said Chaos, Lust, Obsession and Petulance (But secretly Boss-Older-Sisters) road off into the sunset.

THE END (probably)

The End

You have reached the end of "Four (New) Horse[persons] of the (Anti)Apocalypse". This story is complete.

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