Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with either Buffy The Vampire Slayer or House M.D. This is purely for enjoyment purposes and not intended for profit.
Another day, I thought as I walked, well, limped into the house of idiots. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Cuddy will actually have a vaguely interesting case for me and my team of professional monkeys today.
Oh, lo and behold, there’s the women herself leaned up against the counter with those pillows displayed for the world to see. Still, can’t fault someone playing to their strengths, I suppose. No point heading for the office she’s already seen me. How will I get out of clinic duty this time? Inappropriate sexually charged comments so she becomes so mad she forgets? Yes, that should do it.
“Good morning House,” she says to me a look of annoyance on her face. What have I done to deserve this then? It’s only 10 in the morning. Actually that’s probably it, seeing as I was supposed to start at 9. But who wants to get up at that ungodly hour? Anyway, she’s getting nearer, best begin.
“Good lord, could your shirt be cut any lower? It’s like being crushed under a tidal wave of breasts!” I reply with a look of false shock on my face.
“You’re an hour late,” she responds. She’s not taking the bait, damn. Time for a change of tactics.
“Seen Wilson around?” I ask, ignoring her statement.
“He’s in his office, why?”
Who would have thought she’d be so easy to distract?
“I happen to need an Oncologist and as he’s the head of Oncology, I thought I might see if he knows anyone who could help me out,” I answer, voice dripping with my best sarcasm. Time for the finishing move. “It’s for that patient, Mr Wilkinson. You remember him, the one with the brain tumour you missed who almost walked out of the hospital and near certain death before I caught it.” I emphasise the word death, just to make sure she gets the point.
Her face goes red. Success! I’m free.
I head towards the elevator when her voice rings out.
“You’ll be glad to know Dr Wilson has already seen Mr Wilkinson. He did it when he got in this morning. You know, when he managed to turn up on time.”
Damn it Wilson! I’ll get him later.
“So now you have no other pressing matters, I’m sure you have the time to treat some patients in the free clinic. Your first is in room two.”
She’s won and she knows it. Crap. I’ll set her up later; good opportunities always present themselves around here. I let out a dramatic sigh and turn in the direct of the accursed free clinic; where every moron with a sore throat thinks it’s worth wasting my time over. I could be watching TV rather than dealing with these imbeciles! To make matters worse I can feel Cuddy’s triumphant smile on my back. It’s going to be a crappy day isn’t it? Rhetorical question of course.
I slam open the door to room two with as much force as I can muster without breaking anything, causing the guy inside to jump. Small victories.
It’s at this point I notice the first idiot of the day. Who’s wearing an eye patch. Great, he’s probably crazy as well as stupid.
“Halloween isn’t until next month,” I state. Cheap joke sure, but you gotta start somewhere.
“Yeah, because I haven’t heard that one a bajillion times,” he responds. “It’s actually not for show, I lost an eye. Got an empty socket to prove it and everything.
He seems a tad annoyed. Good.
“Lost an eye? That’s a bit stupid. Why’d you do that for?” I ask, although it’s not really a question. “Anyway, your evident genius aside, what seems to be the problem er…?” I skim his file quickly. “Xander.”
Xander? What sort of name is that? Surely if you were going to shorten Alexander you’d just call yourself Alex? He’s clearly an idiot, I decide.
He ignores my provocation.
“I just need my stitches checked out and then I’ll get gone and you can go annoy someone else doc,” he explains.
“Fine, let’s see ‘em.”
He takes off his shirt so I can see the stitches on his mid-section. They look like they’ve been done by a group of angry howler monkeys. He probably did them himself.
I voice that last thought.
He tells me someone by the name of Dawn did them.
“Well it would best if you advise your friend Dawn against it in future,” I tell him.
“Because she obviously sucks at it,” I state. “Still, in spite of her butchery there is some good news, nothing’s infected and you should be able to remove them in about 2 days. So how’d you get these? Someone get all pissed off on the ship because you stole their rum so they stabbed you in revenge?”
“Actually no,” he answers, snarky look on his odd features. “I was patrolling and got jumped by two Vampires and one of them got a lucky hit in before I dusted them. That’s the downside of fighting the forces of darkness on a regular basis.”
“Very witty,” I reply. He’s got an active imagination, even if he does look ridiculous.
“Anyway, your fine so run off and go make someone walk the plank or whatever you do for fun".
“Gee thanks,” he replies as he gets up and heads out the door.
“Idiot,” I mutter under my breath as he leaves.
“Jackass,” Xander muttered to himself as he walked out of the examination room within earshot of Dr Cuddy, who out of his sight merely rolled her eyes knowing House was going to make this a long day.