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Tha-at! Tha-at! Dude Looks Like a Lady!

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Summary: Cordelia has a secret she's been hiding from everyone in Sunnydale. She's got a brother in Westchester, a cousin in Sunnydale, and… used to be a boy?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Cordelia-Centered(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1847,38904511,7602 Nov 087 Mar 09No

Chapter Four

Joe's Note: And now the X-Men. This is set between X-1 and X-2; I can't really see Xavier turning over everything he found (or even finding everything at once) and so Logan is in and out of the mansion with the last of his road trips being what we see at the beginning of X-2. This is before it, during one of his in periods. Oh, and I should probably warn you that Emma was demoted to a teen in last chapter because it makes for better Emma/Cordelia interaction.

     "Wow. You guys really do have a giant black jet. I thought you were lying."

     Snorting, Cordelia ran her fingers through her hair in one last effort to make herself as presentable as possible for her brother and her girlfriend. "Considering they go all over the world to rescue mutants and stuff, a tie-dyed van just isn't as useful as you'd think it would be." The others looked at her oddly and she huffed. "The Mystery Machine? Scooby Doo reference?"

     Before one of the others could reply, a ramp lowered from the underside of the jet and a green-haired cannonball came rocketing down the ramp, headed straight for Cordelia. Knowing how affectionate Lorna tended to be, Cordelia just braced herself as the green-haired girl launched herself into the air, wrapping her legs around Cordelia's waist and kissing her hard.

     "Giggity." There was a thump and a squeal, and Cordelia saw Xander dancing back and forth in the corner of her eye, rubbing his arm. "Oww! Willow! I'm just saying."

     Cordelia wanted to snap back at him for being so… well, male, but having Lorna there put her in a good mood she just didn't want to ruin. So instead of breaking the kiss so she could launch a cutting comment his way, Cordelia wrapped her arms around Lorna's waist and enjoyed the smaller girl's warmth until they were forced to break apart for air. "Miss me?"

     There was a dry chuckle as several others descended the ramp. "Miss you? She was bugging your brother every ten minutes for the last two hours of the flight. 'Are we there yet?' 'Are we there yet?' Now I know why Mister Summers was talking about installing an ejector seat in the Blackbird…"

     Turning to look at the speaker, Cordelia gave an overdramatic gasp and flinched back. "Holy shit! That girl has a skunk on her head!" Pausing, she leaned in for a closer look before smiling sheepishly. "…oh, that's just your hair."

     "Love you too, sugar." Marie D'Ancanto raised one hand, tugging off the black glove she was wearing and wiggling her fingers teasingly. "Just remember, I know where you sleep during the summer and I'm not afraid to touch you."

     A strangled gasp had all heads turning to look at Xander, who blushed a bit at the attention but waved a hand at Marie to try and deflect some of it. "Did anyone else here go to a very naughty visual place when she said that?"

     Two hands shot into the air quickly, neither of them a surprise. Bobby Drake, Marie's on-again off-again, circling each other in what promised to be a train wreck on the level of Buffy and Angel, crush was rather predictable. After all, teenage boys were incredibly perverted and he liked her. Of course his mind would make that sort of leap. Renee LeBeau wasn't particularly hard to predict either; she'd opted to stay at Xavier's after her adventure with Sinister but had resisted an offer of psychic treatment akin to Cordelia's and had a very male mind living in her very female body.

     When a third, hesitant hand joined the other two in the air, Cordelia's jaw dropped. "Et tu, Willow?"

     The redhead blushed and her hand dropped back to her side. "Well, it was awfully naughty sounding. And she's really pretty, and you're really pretty even if you are horribly mean most of the time, and you obviously like girls, although I don't know if she likes girls, so maybe it wasn't that naughty but it sounded really naughty and so it's not my fault my mind ran away with it… and I'm going to stop now before I dig myself into a hole I can't get out of as far as the saying and thinking bad things category."

     "Dig down another inch, Willow, you might get to see China." Cordelia waded into the crowd as new arrivals descended from the belly of the plane, suddenly glad they had a very big house with plenty of guest rooms. As they cleared the ramp, Cordelia offered up names for the sake of the Scoobies. "Lorna, I'm going to assume you recognize from the pictures and the PDA. The girl with the skunk stripe is Marie, codename Rogue, and her not-boyfriend there is Bobby, also known as Iceman. The one who sniffed a few times and then wandered off growling is Logan, who goes by Wolverine. Super tall boy with hands big enough to palm your entire head is Piotr, whose post-human name is Colossus. Red shades and red hair are my brother Scott and his wife-if-he-ever-grows-a-pair-and-pops-the-question Jean. And…" Cordelia's eyes settled on the white-clad figure and she groaned loudly. "Telepath Barbie. How utterly delightful of you to honor us with your presence."

     Emma Frost gave a sniff as she crossed her arms over her chest and looked around disdainfully. "Cordelia. Still slumming, I see." Reaching the bottom of the ramp, she poked the ground with one toe before retreating. "Living on the mouth of Hell with a bunch of useless flatscans, and… is that… are you actually shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch these days?"

     Glancing down at her outfit, Cordelia raised an eyebrow as she looked back up at Emma. "Gee, Barbie, what was your first clue? The t-shirt that has their name written on it in giant white letters? Besides, my clothes didn't bug you this summer. You remember, right? When you told me I was… 'utterly snoggable', was it?"

     "Yes, well, that was before you rejected me in favor of that plump, green-haired trollop of yours." Lorna gave a start at the insult but Cordelia put a calming hand on her girlfriend's wrist. If push came to shove, Cordelia knew Lorna would flatten the blonde telepath, but dealing with Scott, Jean, and Charles in the aftermath would be a pain in the ass. Emma continued to dig her hole deeper, though. "Between that and the living conditions you picked for yourself… your taste obviously isn't as good as I thought it was. You're not quite the choice catch I thought you were."

     Okay, the gloves were off now. "I didn't reject you because of Lorna, Emma. I rejected you because you're a neurotic, conniving bitch." Stepping forward, Cordelia reached up and poked one of the blonde's breasts. "Well, that and I think silicon belongs in dolls. Believe me, after trying both? Naturals feel so much better." Turning her back on Emma, Cordelia sent a parting shot back over her shoulder. "Oh, and Beantown? Lose the Madonna shit. We all know you're from Massachusetts. The fake British accent just makes you sound like you're trying too hard. And it's not even a good accent at that. Time to either spend the money on something worthwhile or hire a better tutor."

     Cordelia stumbled as a mental force pushed down on her brain. 'Now now, children. Am I going to have to put you both in time out?' Jean's eyes had a slight orange glow to them as she looked from Cordelia to Emma and back. 'No? Good. I'd say kiss and make up, but kissing is what seems to have started this problem.' Switching to audible conversation, Jean addressed the rest of the group. "Cordelia's been gracious enough to allow us to stay at her house while we conduct our search… Cordelia, how are we all going to get there? Does your house have somewhere we can land the Blackbird?"

     "Well, there's a big empty spot but I think that's a bit more attention than you want to attract. And… well, your powers are slipping, Jean. Can't you feel them?" Jean's eyes burned a bit brighter and Cordelia felt the power wash over her as Jean cast out with her mind. It took the older woman a moment to find what Cordelia was referring to: the Chase family's maids Maria and Olivia, in the driver's seats of a pair of rented Hummers. "My friends have a van, I brought rides for you guys, and Lorna and I can take my bike back to the house."

     That made Scott's brows shoot up, eyes widening behind his red-lensed glasses. "A bike? You have a motorcycle now?"

     Cordelia nodded, fishing the key out of her pocket and dangling it. "Parents got it for me after the last of my blocks were removed. Kawasaki Ninja ZX-14. Got a custom purple and green paint job done because… well…" Grinning, she reached up to tug on a lock of Lorna's hair. "Which is really going to bite me on the ass if we break up, but oh well. Romantic for now, I figured."

     "Maybe. Depends on whether or not your girlie is into rocketing along on a rice-burning crotch rocket."

     The sudden voice made Cordelia shriek and jump, spinning around to find that Logan had returned. Before she could say anything, Lorna raised one green-nailed hand and Logan went flying backwards. The burly mutant slammed into a tombstone and destroyed it, hitting the ground and rolling a few times before hopping to his feet with a growl. "Christ, Logan, wear a bell. Or one of these days… well, I've always wondered what an unbreakable metal bone looks like. I could remove one or two of yours so I can take a look."

     After a long moment of silence, Xander spoke up. "I think Cordelia managed to find the one girl in the world who's actually scarier than she is."

     Narrowing her eyes, Lorna looked over at Xander and waved her hand. "Hey, that's a nice crossbow you have there…" As she pantomimed the required motions, the crossbow floated up out of his hands and cocked itself before sending an arrow rocking into a nearby tree. "Did I mention I like shiny metal things?"

     "Did I say scary? Because I meant lovely. Lovely, lovely girl."

     Putting her helmet on one handlebar of her motorcycle, Cordelia groaned and stretched as she let her fingers wander through her hair, working the tangles out. "So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess Emma's going to be a problem while she's here?"

     Lorna shrugged as she shifted her backpack to hang off one shoulder, swinging it around front so she could go through the contents. "She's a bitch. Nothing new there. Although I do have a present that'll help on that front." Pulling out a green metal tiara, she pressed it against her own temples before offering up a blue one to Cordelia. The brunette took it dubiously but mimicked Lorna and put it on. "It's a stripped down version of what my father wore. That ridiculous helmet of his. It won't keep the professor or Miss Grey out, but it's enough for Emma or Betsy at least until they grow up a bit."

     "Seriously?" Wow. So no more Emma projecting dirty daydreams into her head or, now that they were bitter enemies rather than anything even remotely resembling friends, images of Lorna getting beaten to death by a mob, cheating on her, or other such unpleasantness. Cordelia leaned in, giving Lorna a deep kiss that left the smaller girl flushed and panting when she pulled back. "Best present ever."

     After a moment, Lorna's eyes managed to open and she grinned lazily. "I think I'm going to give you presents more often…"

The End?

You have reached the end of "Tha-at! Tha-at! Dude Looks Like a Lady!" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 7 Mar 09.

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