Phoebe Buffay, The Vampire Slayer

by Danielle

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers, NBC, and Bright, Kauffman, Crane Productions respectively. No infringement is intended.

Note: This is intended to be comedy, so if I insulted anyone or anything in the process, I’m sorry. I love "Friends" as well as "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer", so this story was just dying to be written- I hope you enjoy it.



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Scene 1- Interior Monica Rachel's Apt. Phoebe is laying on the couch, covered in a blanket, and reading a magazine. Rachel sits at the kitchen table looking at a clothing catalog. Monica enters from the hallway.

Monica

What is this, the New York Public Library?

Rachel

Very funny, Mon. It's just that it's Monday

night and there's nothing to do.

Monica

Phoebe are you feeling any better?

Phoebe

No, not really. Do you mind if I stay on

the couch tonight? My Grandmother has a

date tomorrow, and she said if I give her my

cold, she'll kill me!

Monica

That's fine with me. Rach?

Rachel

No problem. But we should really find something

else to do before I buy all the clothes in these

catalogs...again.

Monica

Quick, Phoebe, turn on the TV. I can't afford

to spot Rachel the rent again.

Phoebe turns on the television, just as Joey, Ross, and Chandler enter.

Phoebe

What time is it?... 8:55? What's on at 9 on Mondays?

Joey

Oh hey, I know, turn on the WB network, there's

a good show on at 9.

Chandler

Joey, I don't think the girls will want to watch any

show you think is good.

Ross

Yeah, what is it, Baywatch or Cops?

Joey

It's not either one of those. It's

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Rachel

Oh good, Joe, the movie didn't suck enough?

Monica

Hello, wasn't Luke Perry in that? Good choice!

Joey

Give it a chance. The lead actress won an Emmy

on All My Children before she was on this show.

That's the Oscar of Daytime you know!

Anytime a soap actor makes a primetime

series, I make a point to watch it- it's like

the honor code of Daytime Actors.

Chandler

What are the other laws of this code?

Is it anything like the Boy Scout Honor Code?

Joey

Just watch it, you'll see!

Cut to Opening Credits.

Scene 2- 1 hour later... Everyone is quiet as the credits roll. The episode was "Angel".

Rachel

God, I can't believe her boyfriend turned

out to be a Vampire- that so sucks.

Ross

Would you have still dated me if I was a

Vampire, Rachel?

Rachel

Yeah, sure- if I bathed in Holy Water first!

Monica

What was Buffy's real name?

Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Do you think she's a relative, Ross?

Ross

That would be kind of cool! We'll have to ask

Mom and Dad.

Joey

If she is, would you guys introduce me to her?

Monica

I guess. Why?

Joey

So I can ask for a part on the show.

Chandler

Oh good idea Joe, Hey I'm friends with your

relatives you've never met, so can I have a

part on your show? Or is it part of the daytime

honor code that she has to say yes?

Joey

It doesn't hurt to ask!

Rachel

What did you think Phoebe? Phoebs..

oh, she fell asleep.

Monica

Chandler, let's go to your apartment so she

can get some sleep- maybe her fever will

go down.

Chandler

Good idea. Then we can watch some more of

Joey's favorite shows. What's next? Xena?

Joey

No...that's not on tonight.

Everyone but Phoebe exits. Phoebe is asleep on the couch. The camera moves closer, and we notice she begins to toss and turn- she is obviously dreaming. The camera pulls in to a close up on Phoebe- the picture turns fuzzy, and we enter Phoebe's dream.

Scene 3- Phoebe's Dream. We are standing in a grave yard as a blonde woman dressed in black pants, a white tank and leather jacket is fighting a vampire. Her back is to us. She whirls on her left foot and delivers a roundhouse kick to the vampire's head. He falls to the ground and she pulls a stake from who knows where and drives it into his heart. He turns to dust. She stands and turns to the camera.

Phoebe

I guess that's what you get for messing with

Phoebe Buffay, the Vampire Slayer!

The Buffy Opening Music rolls, except that the names and faces of the stars have changed. It reads as follows: Phoebe Buffay as Phoebe Buffay the Vampire Slayer, Monica Gellar as Willow, Chandler Bing as Xander, Joey Tribbiani as Angel, Rachel Green as Cordelia, and Ross Gellar as Giles.

Scene shifts as the credits end, we are at the library where Ross/Giles stands holding a weather beaten book. Monica/Willow sits in front of the computer and Chandler/Xander is sitting on the table next to Monica/Willow. Enter Phoebe.

Phoebe

Well, isn't anyone going to ask me how

my day went?

Chandler/Xander

How's it going Phoebs? Slay anything?

Phoebe

Just one. Anyone seen Angel today?

Monica/Willow

Ever since we found out he's a vampire

he's been hiding out- you know that.

Phoebe

Just wishful thinking I guess.

Chandler/Xander

Yeah, I wish you never brought him up!

Ross/Giles

Well if it's of interest to anyone, I think

I found a new prophecy to worry about.

Phoebe

Please tell me this isn't another prophecy

that leads straight to the Museum of Natural History's Dinosaur exhibit again!

Ross/Giles

Hey, just because I got distracted when we

were checking out the Inca Mummy Girl...

Monica/Willow

Hello! Can we hear the prophecy already?

Ross/Giles

Well, it says that tonight, a threat from below

will rise to challenge the slayer, one whom

she has known in human form. It will be

someone whom she has caused great discomfort.

Phoebe

Great discomfort? What am I a hangnail?

Chandler/Xander

Maybe you're a third nipple!

Enter Rachel/Cordelia dragging along Joey/Angel.

Rachel/Cordelia

Third Nipple... I know you guys are into

some weird stuff...but that's just gross.

Chandler/Xander

No, it's not gross! It's really, really cool!

I swear!- Back me up Willow!

Monica/Willow

Xander, you know how I feel about you,

but she's right, that's gross!

Rachel/Cordelia

Whatever- look who I found hanging out

in the parking lot. I guess he was just waiting

for someone cool to come along and invite him in!

Joey/Angel

I, uhh, was, uhh, just trying to find my car!

Phoebe

Nice try- you don't have one!

Joey/Angel

Oh yeah. Okay, Okay- I was coming to check if

you heard anything about a new prophecy.

Ross/Giles

As a matter of fact, I was just telling them about it.

Joey/Angel

Yeah, things have been getting pretty weird

lately. First, I thought I had a car, and now

this third nipple talk- it all adds up!

Chandler/Xander

You would think that in 240 years the guy

would have learned something- but you'd

be wrong!

Monica/Willow

Hello! Can we try to concentrate on

the problem. We have to figure out

what the prophecy means!

Ross/Giles

Yeah. Phoebe- is there anyone whom

you have really annoyed in your life?

Phoebe

Nobody that I can think of. Unless you

you count all the people I've sung for at

the Bronze!

Chandler/Xander

Great- we're dead!

Monica/Willow

Not so fast. It says that the threat will

come from below. Maybe it's someone

who lived in the apartment below her!

Ross/Giles

Good thinking! Now Phoebe, can you think

of anyone you lived above that hated you?

Phoebe

Only Mr. Heckles- but he's dead...

Ross/Giles

That's it- he is dead! But nobody

saw him die! Who's to say he wasn't

killed by Vampires and then turned into one!

Rachel/Cordelia

Why the heck would they want Heckles?

He's got worse fashion sense than

Willow! And he was more annoying than

Xander!

Phoebe

Watch it Cordelia- or I'll tell the

whole school about your "deviated septum!"

Rachel/Cordelia

You wouldn't even try it! And who

would ever believe that I had a nose job?

Phoebe

Don't forget we've still got a

copy of the Prom Video!

Rachel/Cordelia

Fine- whatever. Now how are we

going to find out what Mr. Heckles

is up to?

Chandler/Xander

Easy- we go to the Bronze. That's

where everything happens in Sunnydale.

Ross/Giles

Good idea- let's get going.

Joey/Angel

Great- we can take my car!

Everyone exits. Cut to Commercial.

Scene 4-The Bronze. Actually it's Central Perk, but with a much darker, more gothic motif. The lights are dim, and the stage is set up for a band. Enter everyone.

Phoebe

Oh great the stage is all set up!

I'll have time for a song before I slay

Mr. Heckles!

Before anyone can stop her, Phoebe jumps up onstage, and grabs a guitar. The others run to get to the couch before anyone else can get it. Phoebe begins to tap on the microphone, then she starts to talk:

Phoebe

Hi everyone- here's a little song

I wrote. I'm sure you'll all be able to relate.

Here goes!

(singing)

Everyday I want to sing and play

but everyone says that I must slay

Hey hey hey hey

I am so sick of killing Vamps

all I want is to plug in my amps

Hey hey hey hey

Giles he says I must make new stakes

and after I'm done my body aches

Hey hey hey hey

Willow and Xander are my best friends

If I don't save them, they'll meet their end

Hey hey hey hey

Cordelia is a really big snob,

but we all know she had that nose job!

Hey hey hey hey

Angel wants to kiss my neck,

he's got fangs but what the heck!

Hey hey hey hey

That's the end of my slaying song

Next time you all better sing along!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey!

Phoebe jumps off stage and heads for the couch where the gang is waiting.

Chandler/Xander

Way to keep your secret identity

a secret, super spy!

Rachel/Cordelia

And thanks so much for mentioning the

nose job!

Phoebe

No problem, Cordy. Now, Giles,

when do you think Mr. Heckles

is going to show up?

Ross/Giles

According to my calculations, any

minute now.

Scene 5-The Bronze- Several hours later. The gang is pretty much asleep on the couch, except for Ross/Giles and Phoebe.

Ross/Giles

...any minute now.

Phoebe

Well if he doesn't show up soon,

I 'll just have to sing another song!

Mr. (or should we say Master) Heckles enters at that moment, followed by a bunch of Vampires.

Master Heckles

No, not another song! That's the problem

with you- always making all that noise!

It drove me crazy all those years! Now

I'm going to make you pay!

Phoebe

You don't like my music? Okay, now

I'm gonna have to kick some ass!

Master Heckles

Treeger- Get her, I command you!

Mr. Treeger, Monica and Rachel's landlord, runs forward from the pack of Vampires to attack Phoebe.

Mr. Treeger

You were so annoying when you

lived in that apartment with Monica.

I always wanted to kick you out-

(his face changes and he lunges for her)

consider yourself evicted!

Phoebe

(she moves quickly and he misses her)

Oh yeah, well, look at you taking orders

from Mr. Heckles. What kind of person

follows a guy who used to sit around

in his bathrobe all day writing in his

"Big Book of Grievances?" And I thought he

was a loser!

Mr. Treeger screams and attacks Phoebe. She easily dodges the overweight landlord, and lands a kick square in his face. He falls to the ground, struggling to regain his feet. Phoebe puts one foot on his chest and pulls out a stake.

Phoebe

This is for all the times you came to our

parties uninvited and ate every piece of

food in the apartment!

Phoebe stakes him, then smiles. She turns around to tell off Master Heckles but notices the only person there is Joey/Angel.

Phoebe

Angel- where is everyone?

Joey/Angel

Oh, Master Heckles and his gang grabbed

them while you were fighting Treeger.

Phoebe

Why didn't you say something?

Joey/Angel

I wanted to make sure you finished Treeger

off. One time when he made me be his

ballroom dancing partner, he put his hand

on my butt! That's just wrong- he deserved

to die!

Phoebe

But now we have to go try to find them,

and make sure Master Heckles doesn't turn

all our friends into Vampires!

Joey/Angel

They ought to be easy to find. We'll just

follow this trail of blood they left behind!

Phoebe

C'mon we better hurry!

Joey/Angel

You know what's cool- we can find them

even faster in my car. Now if I can just

remember where I parked it...

Scene 6- Mr. Heckles old apartment. It looks like the Master's underground cavern. Monica/Willow, Ross/Giles, Rachel/Cordelia, and Chandler/Xander are all chained to the wall.

Chandler/Xander

You'll never get away with this. Or

something less of a cliche.

Rachel/Cordelia

I can't believe this- these chains are

cutting into my wrists and look at my dress!

Ross/Giles

Could we have less of your whining and

more plans to get out of this mess?

Monica/Willow

Don't worry- Phoebe will figure it out!

Chandler/Xander

Don't get me wrong, I love Phoebe as

much as the next guy, but she's not

exactly a brain surgeon- and look who

she's got helping her- a vampire who's

so less than intelligent, he makes

Cordelia look like Einstein!

Monica/Willow

Hello- can we have a little more faith

in Phoebe? She's gotten us out of some

tough spots before, and she can do it again!

Rachel/Cordelia

For a second there I thought you were going

to break into a chorus of "Phoebe, Phoebe,

she's our man..."!

Monica/Willow

Just shut up- I've had enough of you and

your attitude! Besides you are the brainless

cheerleader, not me!

Master Heckles

Stop all that noise before I come over there

and kill you all myself! You're driving me crazy!

Chandler/Xander

Oh, we couldn't possibly do that-

Angel's the one with the car!

Everyone

Shut up, Xander!

Meanwhile, Phoebe and Joey/Angel have snuck in through a window, and are now hiding behind the couch.

Phoebe

So, now what?

Joey/Angel

Now we go kill them and free everyone!

God and you think I'm dumb!

Phoebe

I mean do we sneak up on them, or

maybe I challenge Master Heckles to

a fight, or...

Master Heckles

Or maybe I hear you making all that noise

and I just come kill you!!!!

Phoebe

Hey- that could work!

Master Heckles runs behind the couch and grabs Phoebe by the shoulder and throws her across the room. She hits the wall and gets up to go fight Heckles. She throws punches and kicks at him but nothing seems to work. Finally he grabs her by the neck and is about to bite her.

Master Heckles

Have any last words, slayer?

Phoebe

Yeah, I just want to say that I'll miss

you guys, you've been great friends.

And I'll miss you Angel, 'cause I love

you. And most of all I'll miss singing

at the Bronze for the people who really

love my music.

Phoebe begins to sing her slaying song again. Master Heckles drops her and begins to scream.

Master Heckles

Noooooo, no more noise! I can't take it!

Ross/Giles

That's it Phoebe- keep singing, it's

killing him!

Chandler/Xander

He's not the only one it's killing!

Phoebe continues to sing her slaying song as Master Heckles falls to the ground in pain. As she finishes up the song, Phoebe takes a stake out and kills Heckles.

Monica/Willow

Who ever thought that Phoebe's singing

would have been a good thing?

Rachel/Cordelia

Not me. So can you get us down now,

or what?

Phoebe

I guess. Angel- get them down. I

have something to take care of.

Ross/Giles

What's that?

Phoebe

I have to go make sure those stupid

Vampires didn't break my guitar!

As she moves to leave, we see the picture get fuzzy again and we return to the real world.

Scene 7- Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is still tossing and turning on the couch. Monica and Rachel come in and hear her muttering in her sleep about her guitar. They wake her. The guys enter as well.

Phoebe

No, no, no, don't touch my guitar,

you stupid Vampire... ah! Where am I?

Rachel

You're asleep on our couch- where

did you think you were?

Phoebe

Nevermind- and watch that attitude

with me little miss perfect!

And quit trying to take Joey away

from me!

Joey

What are you talking about?

Chandler

Dreaming about you and Joey, huh?

Ross

Yeah, that's pretty funny!

Phoebe

Oh shut up the two of you- you didn't

even think I could rescue you! Monica

is my only real friend- she believed

in me when Mr. Heckles and the rest

of the Vampires had you guys!

Monica

Phoebe, it was just a dream- we were

watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer,

remember?

Phoebe

Oh...okay. I'm sorry guys, I guess

I was just confused from my dream.

I thought Mr. Heckles was a Vampire

who was going to kill me because I drove

him crazy with my singing!

Chandler

He wouldn't have to be a Vampire

to want to do that!

Cut to Commercial.

Scene 8- to be shown as the credits roll. Central Perk- all are seated on the couch. Sarah Michelle Gellar enters. She walk over to the couch.

Sarah

I'm looking for Ross and Monica Gellar...

Monica

That's us...Oh my god, you're Buffy,

aren't you?

Sarah

Yeah, I'm Sarah Michelle Gellar- I'm

your third cousin. Your dad said

you wanted to meet me. They said

you'd probably be here.

Ross

Yeah, I can't believe we've never met.

We saw the show for the first time the

other night, and we wondered if we

were related.

Sarah

What made you guys watch the show?

Monica

Well, it was actually our friend Joey here.

Sarah

Hey, I know you...you're Joey Tribbiani!

You played Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days

of Our Lives! I loved you!

Joey

That's right, and you were Kendall on

All My Children!

Sarah

Is that why you watch the show, the Daytime

Honor Code?

Joey

Well, at first that was why, but now I really

love it!

Sarah

Thanks! Hey I was just about to get a

bite to eat- you want to come?

Monica and Ross, you don't mind,

do you? We can catch up at the next

family thing.

Ross

Nooo, no problem, you two go ahead.

Joey

Hey, thanks. See you guys later.

Joey grabs his coat as he and Sarah start out the door.

Joey

I really like the show alot. Do you

guys have a lot of people audition

for roles on the show... I mean just

out of curiosity, how hard is it to get

a part.....

THE END