Phoebe Buffay, The Vampire Slayer
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers, NBC, and Bright, Kauffman, Crane Productions respectively. No infringement is intended.
Note: This is intended to be comedy, so if I insulted anyone or anything in the process, I’m sorry. I love "Friends" as well as "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer", so this story was just dying to be written- I hope you enjoy it.
Scene 1- Interior Monica Rachel's Apt. Phoebe is laying on the couch, covered in a blanket, and reading a magazine. Rachel sits at the kitchen table looking at a clothing catalog. Monica enters from the hallway.
What is this, the New York Public Library?
Very funny, Mon. It's just that it's Monday
night and there's nothing to do.
Phoebe are you feeling any better?
No, not really. Do you mind if I stay on
the couch tonight? My Grandmother has a
date tomorrow, and she said if I give her my
cold, she'll kill me!
That's fine with me. Rach?
No problem. But we should really find something
else to do before I buy all the clothes in these
Quick, Phoebe, turn on the TV. I can't afford
to spot Rachel the rent again.
Phoebe turns on the television, just as Joey, Ross, and Chandler enter.
What time is it?... 8:55? What's on at 9 on Mondays?
Oh hey, I know, turn on the WB network, there's
a good show on at 9.
Joey, I don't think the girls will want to watch any
show you think is good.
Yeah, what is it, Baywatch or Cops?
It's not either one of those. It's
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Oh good, Joe, the movie didn't suck enough?
Hello, wasn't Luke Perry in that? Good choice!
Give it a chance. The lead actress won an Emmy
on All My Children before she was on this show.
That's the Oscar of Daytime you know!
Anytime a soap actor makes a primetime
series, I make a point to watch it- it's like
the honor code of Daytime Actors.
What are the other laws of this code?
Is it anything like the Boy Scout Honor Code?
Just watch it, you'll see!
Cut to Opening Credits.
Scene 2- 1 hour later... Everyone is quiet as the credits roll. The episode was "Angel".
God, I can't believe her boyfriend turned
out to be a Vampire- that so sucks.
Would you have still dated me if I was a
Yeah, sure- if I bathed in Holy Water first!
What was Buffy's real name?
Sarah Michelle Gellar?
Do you think she's a relative, Ross?
That would be kind of cool! We'll have to ask
Mom and Dad.
If she is, would you guys introduce me to her?
I guess. Why?
So I can ask for a part on the show.
Oh good idea Joe, Hey I'm friends with your
relatives you've never met, so can I have a
part on your show? Or is it part of the daytime
honor code that she has to say yes?
It doesn't hurt to ask!
What did you think Phoebe? Phoebs..
oh, she fell asleep.
Chandler, let's go to your apartment so she
can get some sleep- maybe her fever will
Good idea. Then we can watch some more of
Joey's favorite shows. What's next? Xena?
No...that's not on tonight.
Everyone but Phoebe exits. Phoebe is asleep on the couch. The camera moves closer, and we notice she begins to toss and turn- she is obviously dreaming. The camera pulls in to a close up on Phoebe- the picture turns fuzzy, and we enter Phoebe's dream.
Scene 3- Phoebe's Dream. We are standing in a grave yard as a blonde woman dressed in black pants, a white tank and leather jacket is fighting a vampire. Her back is to us. She whirls on her left foot and delivers a roundhouse kick to the vampire's head. He falls to the ground and she pulls a stake from who knows where and drives it into his heart. He turns to dust. She stands and turns to the camera.
I guess that's what you get for messing with
Phoebe Buffay, the Vampire Slayer!
The Buffy Opening Music rolls, except that the names and faces of the stars have changed. It reads as follows: Phoebe Buffay as Phoebe Buffay the Vampire Slayer, Monica Gellar as Willow, Chandler Bing as Xander, Joey Tribbiani as Angel, Rachel Green as Cordelia, and Ross Gellar as Giles.
Scene shifts as the credits end, we are at the library where Ross/Giles stands holding a weather beaten book. Monica/Willow sits in front of the computer and Chandler/Xander is sitting on the table next to Monica/Willow. Enter Phoebe.
Well, isn't anyone going to ask me how
my day went?
How's it going Phoebs? Slay anything?
Just one. Anyone seen Angel today?
Ever since we found out he's a vampire
he's been hiding out- you know that.
Just wishful thinking I guess.
Yeah, I wish you never brought him up!
Well if it's of interest to anyone, I think
I found a new prophecy to worry about.
Please tell me this isn't another prophecy
that leads straight to the Museum of Natural History's Dinosaur exhibit again!
Hey, just because I got distracted when we
were checking out the Inca Mummy Girl...
Hello! Can we hear the prophecy already?
Well, it says that tonight, a threat from below
will rise to challenge the slayer, one whom
she has known in human form. It will be
someone whom she has caused great discomfort.
Great discomfort? What am I a hangnail?
Maybe you're a third nipple!
Enter Rachel/Cordelia dragging along Joey/Angel.
Third Nipple... I know you guys are into
some weird stuff...but that's just gross.
No, it's not gross! It's really, really cool!
I swear!- Back me up Willow!
Xander, you know how I feel about you,
but she's right, that's gross!
Whatever- look who I found hanging out
in the parking lot. I guess he was just waiting
for someone cool to come along and invite him in!
I, uhh, was, uhh, just trying to find my car!
Nice try- you don't have one!
Oh yeah. Okay, Okay- I was coming to check if
you heard anything about a new prophecy.
As a matter of fact, I was just telling them about it.
Yeah, things have been getting pretty weird
lately. First, I thought I had a car, and now
this third nipple talk- it all adds up!
You would think that in 240 years the guy
would have learned something- but you'd
Hello! Can we try to concentrate on
the problem. We have to figure out
what the prophecy means!
Yeah. Phoebe- is there anyone whom
you have really annoyed in your life?
Nobody that I can think of. Unless you
you count all the people I've sung for at
Great- we're dead!
Not so fast. It says that the threat will
come from below. Maybe it's someone
who lived in the apartment below her!
Good thinking! Now Phoebe, can you think
of anyone you lived above that hated you?
Only Mr. Heckles- but he's dead...
That's it- he is dead! But nobody
saw him die! Who's to say he wasn't
killed by Vampires and then turned into one!
Why the heck would they want Heckles?
He's got worse fashion sense than
Willow! And he was more annoying than
Watch it Cordelia- or I'll tell the
whole school about your "deviated septum!"
You wouldn't even try it! And who
would ever believe that I had a nose job?
Don't forget we've still got a
copy of the Prom Video!
Fine- whatever. Now how are we
going to find out what Mr. Heckles
is up to?
Easy- we go to the Bronze. That's
where everything happens in Sunnydale.
Good idea- let's get going.
Great- we can take my car!
Everyone exits. Cut to Commercial.
Scene 4-The Bronze. Actually it's Central Perk, but with a much darker, more gothic motif. The lights are dim, and the stage is set up for a band. Enter everyone.
Oh great the stage is all set up!
I'll have time for a song before I slay
Before anyone can stop her, Phoebe jumps up onstage, and grabs a guitar. The others run to get to the couch before anyone else can get it. Phoebe begins to tap on the microphone, then she starts to talk:
Hi everyone- here's a little song
I wrote. I'm sure you'll all be able to relate.
Everyday I want to sing and play
but everyone says that I must slay
Hey hey hey hey
I am so sick of killing Vamps
all I want is to plug in my amps
Hey hey hey hey
Giles he says I must make new stakes
and after I'm done my body aches
Hey hey hey hey
Willow and Xander are my best friends
If I don't save them, they'll meet their end
Hey hey hey hey
Cordelia is a really big snob,
but we all know she had that nose job!
Hey hey hey hey
Angel wants to kiss my neck,
he's got fangs but what the heck!
Hey hey hey hey
That's the end of my slaying song
Next time you all better sing along!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey!
Phoebe jumps off stage and heads for the couch where the gang is waiting.
Way to keep your secret identity
a secret, super spy!
And thanks so much for mentioning the
No problem, Cordy. Now, Giles,
when do you think Mr. Heckles
is going to show up?
According to my calculations, any
Scene 5-The Bronze- Several hours later. The gang is pretty much asleep on the couch, except for Ross/Giles and Phoebe.
...any minute now.
Well if he doesn't show up soon,
I 'll just have to sing another song!
Mr. (or should we say Master) Heckles enters at that moment, followed by a bunch of Vampires.
No, not another song! That's the problem
with you- always making all that noise!
It drove me crazy all those years! Now
I'm going to make you pay!
You don't like my music? Okay, now
I'm gonna have to kick some ass!
Treeger- Get her, I command you!
Mr. Treeger, Monica and Rachel's landlord, runs forward from the pack of Vampires to attack Phoebe.
You were so annoying when you
lived in that apartment with Monica.
I always wanted to kick you out-
(his face changes and he lunges for her)
consider yourself evicted!
(she moves quickly and he misses her)
Oh yeah, well, look at you taking orders
from Mr. Heckles. What kind of person
follows a guy who used to sit around
in his bathrobe all day writing in his
"Big Book of Grievances?" And I thought he
was a loser!
Mr. Treeger screams and attacks Phoebe. She easily dodges the overweight landlord, and lands a kick square in his face. He falls to the ground, struggling to regain his feet. Phoebe puts one foot on his chest and pulls out a stake.
This is for all the times you came to our
parties uninvited and ate every piece of
food in the apartment!
Phoebe stakes him, then smiles. She turns around to tell off Master Heckles but notices the only person there is Joey/Angel.
Angel- where is everyone?
Oh, Master Heckles and his gang grabbed
them while you were fighting Treeger.
Why didn't you say something?
I wanted to make sure you finished Treeger
off. One time when he made me be his
ballroom dancing partner, he put his hand
on my butt! That's just wrong- he deserved
But now we have to go try to find them,
and make sure Master Heckles doesn't turn
all our friends into Vampires!
They ought to be easy to find. We'll just
follow this trail of blood they left behind!
C'mon we better hurry!
You know what's cool- we can find them
even faster in my car. Now if I can just
remember where I parked it...
Scene 6- Mr. Heckles old apartment. It looks like the Master's underground cavern. Monica/Willow, Ross/Giles, Rachel/Cordelia, and Chandler/Xander are all chained to the wall.
You'll never get away with this. Or
something less of a cliche.
I can't believe this- these chains are
cutting into my wrists and look at my dress!
Could we have less of your whining and
more plans to get out of this mess?
Don't worry- Phoebe will figure it out!
Don't get me wrong, I love Phoebe as
much as the next guy, but she's not
exactly a brain surgeon- and look who
she's got helping her- a vampire who's
so less than intelligent, he makes
Cordelia look like Einstein!
Hello- can we have a little more faith
in Phoebe? She's gotten us out of some
tough spots before, and she can do it again!
For a second there I thought you were going
to break into a chorus of "Phoebe, Phoebe,
she's our man..."!
Just shut up- I've had enough of you and
your attitude! Besides you are the brainless
cheerleader, not me!
Stop all that noise before I come over there
and kill you all myself! You're driving me crazy!
Oh, we couldn't possibly do that-
Angel's the one with the car!
Shut up, Xander!
Meanwhile, Phoebe and Joey/Angel have snuck in through a window, and are now hiding behind the couch.
So, now what?
Now we go kill them and free everyone!
God and you think I'm dumb!
I mean do we sneak up on them, or
maybe I challenge Master Heckles to
a fight, or...
Or maybe I hear you making all that noise
and I just come kill you!!!!
Hey- that could work!
Master Heckles runs behind the couch and grabs Phoebe by the shoulder and throws her across the room. She hits the wall and gets up to go fight Heckles. She throws punches and kicks at him but nothing seems to work. Finally he grabs her by the neck and is about to bite her.
Have any last words, slayer?
Yeah, I just want to say that I'll miss
you guys, you've been great friends.
And I'll miss you Angel, 'cause I love
you. And most of all I'll miss singing
at the Bronze for the people who really
love my music.
Phoebe begins to sing her slaying song again. Master Heckles drops her and begins to scream.
Noooooo, no more noise! I can't take it!
That's it Phoebe- keep singing, it's
He's not the only one it's killing!
Phoebe continues to sing her slaying song as Master Heckles falls to the ground in pain. As she finishes up the song, Phoebe takes a stake out and kills Heckles.
Who ever thought that Phoebe's singing
would have been a good thing?
Not me. So can you get us down now,
I guess. Angel- get them down. I
have something to take care of.
I have to go make sure those stupid
Vampires didn't break my guitar!
As she moves to leave, we see the picture get fuzzy again and we return to the real world.
Scene 7- Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is still tossing and turning on the couch. Monica and Rachel come in and hear her muttering in her sleep about her guitar. They wake her. The guys enter as well.
No, no, no, don't touch my guitar,
you stupid Vampire... ah! Where am I?
You're asleep on our couch- where
did you think you were?
Nevermind- and watch that attitude
with me little miss perfect!
And quit trying to take Joey away
What are you talking about?
Dreaming about you and Joey, huh?
Yeah, that's pretty funny!
Oh shut up the two of you- you didn't
even think I could rescue you! Monica
is my only real friend- she believed
in me when Mr. Heckles and the rest
of the Vampires had you guys!
Phoebe, it was just a dream- we were
watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
Oh...okay. I'm sorry guys, I guess
I was just confused from my dream.
I thought Mr. Heckles was a Vampire
who was going to kill me because I drove
him crazy with my singing!
He wouldn't have to be a Vampire
to want to do that!
Cut to Commercial.
Scene 8- to be shown as the credits roll. Central Perk- all are seated on the couch. Sarah Michelle Gellar enters. She walk over to the couch.
I'm looking for Ross and Monica Gellar...
That's us...Oh my god, you're Buffy,
Yeah, I'm Sarah Michelle Gellar- I'm
your third cousin. Your dad said
you wanted to meet me. They said
you'd probably be here.
Yeah, I can't believe we've never met.
We saw the show for the first time the
other night, and we wondered if we
What made you guys watch the show?
Well, it was actually our friend Joey here.
Hey, I know you...you're Joey Tribbiani!
You played Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days
of Our Lives! I loved you!
That's right, and you were Kendall on
All My Children!
Is that why you watch the show, the Daytime
Well, at first that was why, but now I really
Thanks! Hey I was just about to get a
bite to eat- you want to come?
Monica and Ross, you don't mind,
do you? We can catch up at the next
Nooo, no problem, you two go ahead.
Hey, thanks. See you guys later.
Joey grabs his coat as he and Sarah start out the door.
I really like the show alot. Do you
guys have a lot of people audition
for roles on the show... I mean just
out of curiosity, how hard is it to get