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Who Knew?

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Summary: Spike promised Xander they’d be together forever, but then he was gone and Xander was left with a Spike-shaped hole in his heart. **hankie warning* Inspired by the song “Who Knew” by P!nk(Lyrics are included at the END of the fic).

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > GeneralAzureChaosFR1512,467341,36516 Nov 0816 Nov 08Yes
Disclaimer: I don’t own BtVS or any of it’s characters. No money has or will be made from this fic.
Spoilers: Season 7 Buffy (and vaguely s5 Angel).



Who Knew?


Xander sat in the room that had been allocated to him in the Hyperion. To say he was devastated was an understatement. He had a gaping hole in his heart where his love should be. Tears coursed down his cheeks as he sat on the bed, arms wrapped around his bent up legs hugging them too him. He buried his face into his knees as he sobbed out his pain. The world outside carrying on without him.

It had been two weeks since that final big battle with the first. Two weeks since he had sat on the bus waiting for Spike to come bouncing up with a triumphant smirk. But Buffy came and they left without him. He was desperate to shout at them, to demand to be taken back to get him. But Buffy was telling her story to Dawn. The youngster had sobbed her heart out. Then she’d curled up with him and cried on his shoulder.

Spike was gone. Spike had sacrificed himself and burned up in a blaze of glory as he brought Sunnydale crashing down on him.

At first he was numb, like it was a dream and he’d wake up any minute, that it wasn’t real. It couldn’t possibly be real. Spike couldn’t die; he was eternal.

The pain was a solid thing inside him, it was like being burned up from the inside out and he wondered if that was how Spike had felt as he was consumed by the amulet. How was it fair that the thing that saved them killed the one brave enough to wear it?

He thought he’d known love before, there was Cordy and Anya, he thought he’d loved them both. But nothing had prepared him for the intensity of the feeling of love he had whenever he thought of the bleached-blond vampire.

At first he’d resisted the attentions of the vampire, but when Spike decided he loved someone there was little chance of fighting him off. And really, if he was honest he didn’t really want to fight him anymore. When he’d given himself over to it, he found that love, true love, was incredible. Spike’s love was fierce and all consuming. It was like standing in warm sunshine everywhere he went…even at night.

But everyone left him in the end and Xander was convinced that eventually Spike would leave, that one night he just wouldn’t come back from patrol, either by choice or not. Still, the vampire worked hard to convince him otherwise, uttering declarations of love and forever. That they’d always be together, that he would tie him to him forever as soon as they got through the thing with the first. Xan had told him that life wouldn’t be bearable without him and once more there had been promises of forever and eternity. Finally, when Spike stopped Caleb from taking his other eye, Xander believed.

Going into that battle they all knew there was a chance something would go wrong but Xander had faith, things always turned out right in the end. Who knew just how wrong it might go?

A sob broke and his breath hitched. It was getting worse. Every day without his love the pain increased until it was just intolerable. His friends thought he was mourning Anya or his parents or something. They didn’t know about Spike. He hadn’t wanted them to know yet, hadn’t wanted anyone to mock and tell him that Spike wouldn’t stick around, or worse threaten stake-age. He couldn’t have handled anyone telling him that Spike would be gone; that fear was too raw. There would have not only been verbal protest but he was sure that fists would fly too.

He loved Spike and if someone had said in three years time that he wouldn’t be there anymore…that he’d be long gone…just the idea of it would take his breath away with a stab of pain. But Xander knew, because Spike had promised. Only look at what had happened? And now he was all alone again. And no one knew his pain, couldn’t understand what was wrong with him as it tore him into tiny pieces.

Memories flooded his mind of the days before they’d gotten their acts together. When the sexual tension had been so bad between them that they’d be constantly snarking at each other. Gradually the tone had grown less venomous and more affectionate. At some point along the way Xander had actually started to develop feelings for the blond vampire. He worried about whether he was getting enough to eat, if he was taking care of himself and he was jealous of who he might be sleeping with. At first neither one could admit how they felt. Even when Spike had started to pursue him it was in the guise that it was just about sex: because he was looking so buff thanks to all that construction work. And oh, the sex was good and far kinkier than he’d ever experienced before.

It started feeling like the blond was everywhere. Anytime he was in trouble, his vampire would show up to keep him safe and follow it up with a round of smoochies. Xander had started to fall and fall hard. Then Spike vanished and came back with a brand new shiny soul, trying to prove his worth to him. It had melted Xander; he’d felt like a big pile of Xander-shaped goo, even amidst the crazy.

God he missed him, he ached with the need to just reach out and touch alabaster flesh that was almost flawless in its sculpted perfection. He longed for the feel of cool flesh under his, around him; the touch of soft lips against his and strong hands holding him with such gentleness it made him ache. No one had ever loved him like Spike had.

They were lovers, partners, they had sex and smoochies, held hands on patrol and shared inappropriate moments in cemeteries with the threat of imminent danger hanging over them. And Spike had promised he’d always be there.

Only now he wasn’t. And Xander was angry: angry at the blond for breaking his promise; at the powers for taking his champion; at the universe for the unfairness of it all, and; everyone else for not knowing what was under their noses. How could they not know after all that time, when it was right there in front of them. He wished they’d had the nerve to tell them, but it was just never the right time. If only he could go back and do it again.

There had never been a time when Xander had called Spike a friend. They seemed to go straight from enemies to bedmates, partners, lovers, companions. He felt bad about that, that he’d never called him friend and almost wished that Spike was there now just so he could call him a friend and acknowledge the depth of what he was to him. Friend didn’t seem like that heavy a word to most people, but Xander had few and he was very selective in who got to carry that title. If only he could have a do-over.

And now all that was left were the memories in his head and he was so afraid that they were fading all too fast. He felt like he was fighting to hold on to them continuously. Suddenly that fear was more consuming than his grief. In a burst of energy, Xander hopped from the bed and scrabbled around looking for something and coming up with an unused diary that Dawn had given him several Christmases ago, he started to scribble in it furiously, tears still flowing freely and occasionally dripping on the pages. He would remember, he’d get it all down and then the memories could never leave him. And when they met again it would all be there. Spike had died a hero, he had to be in heaven and when Xander’s time finally came he hoped to see him there.

He started at the end, with the most recent memory. The last kiss they’d shared as they stood in the dusty dimness of Buffy’s basement. That soft brush of lips that was full of so much pain and had felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest it had hurt so much. In hindsight, he wondered if he knew what was coming or if he thought he would be the one who wouldn’t make it onto the bus. Part of him wished they’d never left that safe haven of the basement, but he knew that none of them would be there now if they hadn’t.

Spike was the hero, he had saved them all and proved without doubt that he was a champion of the light. Not that Xander had doubted that for some time. Even before the soul.

Every day Xander wrote two or three times in his diary. The flow of tears dried up and he suspected that he had none left to shed, but the pain remained like a very real tangible thing inside him. He packed himself off to Africa in search of newly activated slayers, and surprisingly no one tried to stop the grieving man. He needed the distance from them all so that he could come to terms with what had happened.

Time was supposed to heal, but it never, it just faded his memories, he hated that he would have to fight to remember details that should be clear as day. He was scared that he was forgetting what the man looked like. And there were times when he woke with a start in the middle of the night sure that he already had. The dreams were sporadic but they came and were both a blessing and a curse. It was a torment to see the one that he couldn’t touch any more and often he would wake with drying tears on his face or a wet pillow because even though he could see Spike in those dreams, he could never seem to touch him…hold him.

For over a year Xander ran from his pain but never managed to leave it behind. It was a different man who arrived at the Watchers’ Council HQ in England. Tanned and at the peak of physical fitness, his eye carrying a haunted look to it. The cold rain had been something of a shock to the system and that was just from the short walk from the bus to the building in front of him. He hadn’t told them he was coming, it had been a snap decision having woken up from a dream that had told him it was time to go home.

His heart was still heavy but it was twitching with the excitement of seeing his friends again as he lifted the knocker.

At first there was no answer, then there came the sound of scrabbling from inside and he smiled brightly at the young woman that opened it. Dawn had grown up so much. And then she squealed an ear splitting sound and flung herself into his arms. Xander had barely enough time to drop his bag and catch her. He took long moments to enjoy the feel of a real body in his arms and held her to him like he might drown without her. His eye squeezed tight.

When she pulled back she looked him over and gave a wink of approval. “Buff much?” She said with a smirk.

Xander rolled his eye and she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the hallway. It was full of wet and bloody people milling around, some were injured but with others it was obvious they had been the one doing the harm. There was a flash of something in his peripheral vision and he turned his head. What greeted him froze him to the spot. Time stopped and the room fell away until they were all that was left.

“Spike,” he whispered almost reverently.

Right on cue, the blond head came up and blue eyes locked with one brown one. And suddenly the space between them seemed immense. Xander pushed his way through slayers and the odd witch until he was right in front of the blond vampire.

No words were uttered and in the next instant they were wrapped in each other’s arms sharing peppered kisses, soft lips once more pressing against his and tears falling fast and furious. Spike’s arms tightened around him in a way unlike anyone ever hugged him. And Xander finally felt like he’d come home.

“Oh god, I love you, you’re here, how are you here, I missed you, I love you, I love you,” Xander’s voice became a whispered litany for the vampire’s ears only.

The gathered crowd watched in stunned silence at the reunion.

“I so knew it,” Dawn crowed triumphantly.

Her words went ignored as Spike tried to stem the flow of Xander’s tears to no avail.

“I’m here, pet, promised didn’t I?”

Xander’s voice hitched as he tried to agree; instead he pulled back just enough to look into the vampire’s piercing eyes and nodded. He didn’t care how or why, just that it was.

“I believed you,” Xander whispered.


The End.


Who Knew – Pink

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you’d be around
Uh huh, that’s right

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that’s right

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
‘Cause they’re all wrong

I know better
‘Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I’d give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong

But they knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew? Yeah yeah

I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won’t forget you my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
‘Cause they’re all wrong

And that last kiss I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?

My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling, I miss you
My darling, who knew?

The End

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