A Strange Mishap
Title: A Muggle Perspective
Pairing: Spike/Xander, Harry/Draco, Ron/Hermione, Remus/Sirius
Summary: Running out of hope, Dumbledore performs some ancient magic to get some advice, but winds up with a muggle and a vampire instead. Maybe they just need a different perspective.
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Harry Potter or their respective characters
Warnings: Slash, language, maybe some violence
Timeline: In Buffy it’s somewhere between S4 and S5. In Harry Potter anything past the GoF hasn’t happened.
Chapter 1: A Strange Mishap
The living room at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place had been prepared for the spell hours ago, living room furniture pushed to the side and the old rug rolled up and placed in a corner to allow for the chalk circle to be drawn on the hardwood flooring. The members of the Order of the Phoenix that were not involved in the spell had vacated the room, congregating instead in the kitchen to avoid being in the way of the actual spell casters, but still be close enough that if anything went wrong they could rush in and help.
The four chosen to do the spell had been chanting for a while now, Snape, McGonagall, Sirius, and Remus standing at the four corners, chanting from memory and flicking their wands in complicated arcs while Dumbledore stood off to the side preparing himself for the period of questioning that would follow once the spell was successfully completed and the spirit materialized.
As the spell came to a close, the moment of truth approaching, the voices of the four spell casters rose and the feeling of magic built in the room, finally reaching a crescendo where there couldn’t possibly be more magic channeled into the spell and there was a loud POP almost like displaced air and two bodies fell to the ground.
All four of the chanters lowered their wands and blinked at this before hearing the sound of voices coming from the pile of bodies and raising their wands again in caution.
“Dammit, Fangless! Get your bony knees out of my side!”
“Oi! My knees aren’t bony! And why don’t you get your skinny arse off my leg?”
“Don’t you think I’m trying? Stop moving! You’re just making things worse!”
“I’m making things worse! You—
“Hah! Freedom!” One of the men that had fallen to the floor finally seemed to remove himself from the writhing display of flailing limbs he had been involved in only to stand up and finally notice the wands pointed his way. The smile on his face instantly disappeared.
“Uh, Spike?” he said carefully, slipping into what was obviously a defensive stance. “I think you may want to get up as slowly and unthreateningly as you can.” Then, seeming to think again, he added, “And don’t talk.” The man had an American accent, which was strange, and was wearing strange muggle clothing. He didn’t seem like a threat, he actually didn’t seem much older then some of their students, but then the spell had obviously gone wrong so who knows where these men had come from.
The other man—Spike?—got to his own feet and seemed to completely disregard his friend’s warning, brushing himself off as if he hadn’t a care in the world. When he finally did deign to notice the four wands pointed at his head, he merely raised a brow and asked, “And wot’s this then? Did we interrupt some geek’s cosplay attempt?” But despite his words and though his stance still looked as casual as ever, they could tell that he was prepared for anything they might throw at him. He was also dressed as a muggle and neither man had pulled a wand on them, but Dumbledore was wary of labeling them as safe. There was something about the two that just didn’t seem right. Plus the blond looked far too much like a Malfoy for Dumbledore to be comfortable.
“Okay one: Shut up. These people seem serious,” the dark-haired man said, watching the four wands drawn on him with wary, too experienced, eyes. “And two: how the hell do you know about cosplaying?”
The blond smirked and said, “Oh, I know about lots o’ things.”
“You didn’t know about that one demon’s tendency to explode,” the dark-haired man pointed out.
The smirk vanished and then the blond just looked irritated. “Oh right. So I didn’t remember one little thing. Give a bloke a break and stop bringin’ that up, will ya? It’s gettin’ old fast.”
The dark-haired man opened his mouth to respond and Dumbledore finally decided that he should probably speak up or these two would just continue their banter and nothing would get done. “Yes, well, I’d like to say welcome gentlemen,” he began nicely enough, “but I’m afraid we have a bit of a situation.” He narrowed his eyes and spoke seriously, “Just how did you two get here?”
The dark-haired man was still watching the wands, but the blond had turned to him with narrow eyes as if evaluating him. That one would be the real threat, Dumbledore decided.
“Oh you know,” the dark-haired man said almost casually, with just enough wariness about him that the casualness wasn’t quite believable, “We were walking along, trying to do our bit to save the world, and I feel this ripping sensation right in my stomach and then I’m on the floor up close and personal with Fangless over there.” He pointed his thumb at his friend and then continued, “You mind telling me just why I now know what Spike feels like squirming beneath me?”
The blond, Spike, looked disgusted by this and glared at his friend. “As you kiddies would say ‘Eww’. Keep yer bloody disgusting fantasies to yourself in the future, mate. I don’t want t’ know.”
The dark-haired man flushed. “I’m not – I didn’t – That wasn’t what I meant!”
Sirius couldn’t help it. He smirked a bit. These two were amusing.
Snape just looked disgusted by the by-play, wanting to get this over with so he could get away from, well, everybody.
Dumbledore looked considering. The spell had obviously backfired quite considerably, but why would it send them these two individuals in particular? It seemed that something more was at work here. He would have to keep these two close in order to discover just what would make them the targets of a spell done with the intention of receiving help. “Then I suppose apologies are required. I’m afraid the spell we were attempting may have backfired considerably. If you would—what are your names?”
“Can you, you know, lower the sticks?” the boy asked, still eyeing the wands with some degree of wariness, “I don’t know what they are, but they look like wands and I’m thinking that them pointing at us is not of the good.”
“Of course,” Dumbledore agreed easily, as it didn’t seem as either one of their surprise visitors was going to attack. He nodded at his fellow Order members and motioned for them to relax then turned back to their guests, “Now, names, if you would.”
The boy seemed happy enough now that the wands were lowered, even seeming to look relaxed though there still was an edge to him that said he was waiting for an attack. “My name’s Xander. And the blond there’s Spike. You?”
Dumbledore smiled. “My name is Albus Dumbledore and these are Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Professor Snape, and Professor McGonagall.” He waited patiently to see if there would be any recognition to any of the names, specifically his or Sirius’, but Xander just smiled and nodded as each individual was introduced and Spike just looked bored. Dumbledore smiled again. “Good. And now that we have all been introduced I believe that we have quite a bit to discuss. If you would please follow us into the kitchen?” Dumbledore motioned for Spike and Xander to go first and, exchanging a strangely speaking look, the two men obediently moved for the door.
Xander walked through the kitchen door only to be on the receiving end of six more wands. He froze and Spike bumped into his back.
“Oi,” Spike complained, “Get moving, whelp.” Then, obviously deciding to take matters into his own hands, Spike pushed Xander out of the way only to stop as he realized why Xnader had frozen in the first place. “Oh,” he said calmly, “More of you lot.”
Thankfully Dumbledore chose that point to come walking in behind them and he smiled at the people present in the room. “You can put your wands down now. It’s quite alright.”
The people in the room cautiously lowered their wands, but still looked at Spike and Xander with some suspicion. The girl with bright blue hair eventually asked the question they all were thinking. “Then who are these two then?”
Dumbledore smiled again and introduced the two, “These young men are Spike and Xander. And before you ask, I’m afraid we’ve had quite a mishap with the spell we were performing. Why doesn’t everyone sit down and have some tea while we discuss things.” The redheaded lady immediately went for the teakettle as everyone settled back down around the table. Snape made himself comfortable against the wall on one side, while Lupin and Black seemed to be comfortable enough leaning against the kitchen cabinets.
Xander rolled his eyes as he took the seat offered to him. “Oh yeah, we *must* be in England. Everyone here drinks tea.”
“You’re American then?” the girl with blue hair asked.
Xander nodded with a smile. “Born and raised.”
“The accent wasn’t enough for you, luv?” Spike asked, looking at the girl in some derision.
The girl scowled back at him for both the endearment and tone of voice. “I just thought . . . never mind.”
“So what are your guys’ names?” Xander asked looking around the table at the twin redheads, the two that must be their parents, the blue haired girl, and a man with a seriously bad lazy eye. The girl with the blue hair took it upon herself to introduce the others and she went around the table with the names, interrupted only once by one of the twins’ cry of, “No, I’m *Fred*. He’s George.”
The other twin nodded. “He’s right. I’m Fred. He’s George.”
Xander looked confused for the moment it took for the redheaded woman that was apparently their mother to whap both twins upside the head. “Stop that,” Mrs. Weasley said sternly then she smiled at Xander and Spike and told them the correct names of the twins. “That one there is Fred. This one’s George. Don’t let them confuse you.”
Still confused, Xander just nodded. “Right.”
Mrs. Weasley went on to fill up the teacups of those around the table, even handing Spike and Xander a teacup each. “Here you are, dears.”
Xander looked down at his teacup with some trepidation. He didn’t want to be rude and turn the tea away, but he really didn’t like tea. It just wasn’t his thing. Looking around the table, he found the others conjuring up a thing of honey and then milk and passing these around. Xander waited for his turn and poured a good helping of both into his tea then tried it. He immediately pulled a disgusted face and decided tea just wasn’t ever going to be his thing. He turned to see how Spike was coping with the tea only to be annoyed when he found the vampire calming sipping his tea like everything was fine and dandy and they were actually at home instead of thousands of miles away in some weird area of England.
Eventually Dumbledore cleared his throat and the discussion about what to do with Spike and Xander began. After explaining to those around the table about just how the two new men had appeared, Dumbledore went on to explain to Spike and Xander just what they had been hoping the spell would accomplish. Apparently a spirit was supposed to have been summoned that would give them some advice on the war they were currently involved in. “It was supposed to be maybe not a simple spell, but certainly it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this,” Dumbledore finished apologetically.
“And what war are you guys talking about?” Xander asked curiously. He’d never heard of any war going on in England.
“There’s this evil wizard,” Tonks started to explain. “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named—
“Voldemort,” Dumbledore offered and everyone in the room besides Spike and Xander tried to hide the fact that they had shuddered.
“Yeah, him,” Tonks said, obviously getting over her fear and determined to continue. “Anyways He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named absolutely hates muggle-borns and muggles, which is what we call non-magical people and the witches and wizards that are born from non-magical families. He’s determined to kill them all. We’re trying to prevent that.”
“But I’ve never heard of any war going on in Britain,” Xander said.
“Muggles don’t know about us,” the twin Xander was pretty sure was Fred said. “We try to stay hidden.”
Xander nodded. “Well that makes sense. It certainly explains why I’ve never heard of any real robe-wearing, wand-waving wizards before. Witches, yes. But wizards?” Xander shook his head. “Never.”
Dumbledore looked interested at this. “If I may ask. You two. You are clearly muggles and yet you seem not the slightest bit surprised by the existence of magic.”
Spike smirked. “Oh, I’m not a muggle, mate.”
Everyone but Lupin looked at Spike in varying degrees of confusion and Snape sneered, “Then what are you?”
“A vampire,” Lupin said softly and everybody fell silent, looking at Spike.
“A vampire?” Mr. Weasley echoed, starting to look nervous.
“How – how did you know that?” Xander asked, looking between Spike and the man in the tattered robe in surprise.
“He doesn’t have a heartbeat,” Lupin said though how he knew that from all the way over there Xander had no idea.
And clearly this question was written on his face or something because Spike then informed him, “He’s a werewolf.”
“Oh. Okay then,” Xander said and calmed down. The others stared at him as if his reaction was strange somehow.
“You find out that he’s a werewolf and that’s your reaction?” George asked incredulously.
At that, Xander looked confused. “Why? Is being a werewolf some big thing here? I had a friend who was a werewolf back in high school. He was totally cool.”
Snape snorted for some reason, but everyone ignored him with what seemed like long practice.
“And again,” Dumbledore said, only looking more intrigued. “You are a muggle and yet you spend time with vampires and werewolves and, you say, witches. How?”
Xander shrugged. “Well that’s life on the Hellmouth for you.”
“The Hellmouth?” Tonks echoed, sounding unsure.
Xnader didn’t seem to notice. “Yeah. It’s where I’m from. Sunnydale, California. Hellmouth central.”
“I’ve never heard of this Hellmouth you speak of,” Dumbledore said, still looking increasingly intrigued. “But it sounds as though it may be a dangerous place to live.”
Spike snorted softly at this and Xander smiled grimly, saying, “You could say that.”” But he didn’t go into any more detail.
“Then you must be great warriors if you live in such a dangerous area,” Dumbledore said mildly.
Spike shot him a look at that and even Xander could tell that the old man was obviously going somewhere with this. So Xander was careful when he answered, “Well, I guess Spike’s an okay fighter, but I’m just the normal human guy. My biggest weapon is my crazy good ability to pick the right donuts for everybody.”
“And what are donuts?” Mr. Weasley asked, looking interested.
Spike raised a brow at this curiosity but answered, “Round pastry. Hole in the center. Usually with sugar or chocolate icing. You eat ‘em.”
Mr. Wealey only looked more intrigued. “Really?”
But Dumbledore seemed to be very carefully concealing his disappointment. “So you have no special skills?”
“Well I guess I’m pretty good with a tool box,” Xander said. “I can fix a leaky pipe like nobody’s business.”
“And he’s right good bait too,” Spike added in what was not a very helpful way, “Demons can’t resist ‘im.”
“Demons don’t exist,” Snape sneered again, sounding as though he thought Spike and Xander were idiots to think otherwise.
Xander looked at him as if he were the crazy one. “Um, yes they do? I think I would know, you know. Living on a Hellmouth here.”
Dumbledore frowned, some worry reaching his face. “No, he’s quite right. Demons haven’t existed since the Great Inquisition back in the late 1600s.”
Now Xander frowned. “But I’ve seen them. Spike here’s living, or unliving, proof that demons exist.”
Tonks shook her head. “Vampires aren’t demons. They’re magical creatures.” She shot another worried look at Spike and added, “Dark creatures.”
Now Xander was starting to get concerned. “No, vampires are demons. Spike, you tell ‘em.”
Spike sighed as if this was some great burden and said in an incredibly bored voice, “Vampires are demons.”
Dumbledore shook his head slightly, that frown still on his face. “I once had a good friend that was a vampire and he was quite adamant that vampires were simply magical creatures. Any ties vampires had to demons had been erased by centuries of good breeding.”
“But,” Xander started, hopelessly confused, “But what does that mean?”
Everyone in the room exchanged looks with each other, everyone but Xander and maybe Spike seeming to understand something that Xander couldn’t quite get. And wasn’t that comforting? It was just like at home.
Finally Dumbledore spoke again, gently this time, as if he was going to impart some particularly bad news. “It means that we may have pulled you from farther than we first believed. I’m afraid we may have pulled you across dimensions.”
Xander stared. “Dimensions? You mean this is an entirely different *dimension*?” Xander laughed briefly, sounding a little hysterical even to himself. “And here I was thinking we could just get a plane ticket and be on our way home.”
“We will, of course, do our best to help you get back home,” Dumbledore hurried to assure him, “But you may have to stay with us for a length of time.”
Xander shook his head and, talking to himself, said under his breath, “Another dimension.”
Annoyingly, Spike just shrugged, not looking in the least bit startled by this news. “Could be worse, whelp. Could’ve landed ourselves in some hell dimension.”
Xander sighed. “Well, I guess you may be right there. Especially knowing my luck.”
Dumbledore seemed pleased that they were taking the news so well. “Wonderful,” he said with a smile, “But I’m afraid I must ask one more question.” He turned to Spike. “You. I know you are a vampire, but coming from another dimension you may have different powers or needs. Do you need to hunt to get the blood you need?”
Spike shook his head, a frown forming on his face. “Can’t. Got this chip shoved in me brain, yeah?”
The twin Xander was pretty sure was Fred frowned, “Chip? You mean you have—
The other twin, George, copied his frown and broke in, “food in your brain?”
Xander shook his head, knowing Spike wouldn’t want to explain. “No. It’s a computer chip. It makes it so he can’t hurt anything human. It shocks him when he does.”
Mr. Weasley started to look interested again. “Really? A computer chip? How does it work?”
Xander frowned at him. “Well, I’m not really sure. Like any other computer chip, I suppose.”
“Does that mean—
Mrs. Weasley interrupted him here. “You can ask him about it later, dear. We have other things to worry about now.”
Mr. Weasley seemed mollified by that. “Ah, yes. Yes, of course. I’m sorry. Do go on.”
Dumbledore smiled. “Yes, thank you Arthur.” And he turned back to Spike, “Then I suppose I will not have to ask that you suspend your hunting while you are staying with us. We shall, of course, supply you with the blood you need. But onto my other questions. I simply must ask, what other special abilities do you have? In our universe, vampires are known to be able to hypnotize their victims and have twice the strength of an ordinary man.”
Spike nodded and leaned back casually in his seat, almost lounging. “Well, I can’t hypnotize anybody. My Sire could, but I never really got into it. An’ I am stronger than a human. About six times stronger, I think. An’ I’m faster, have better senses, can heal up pretty fast, but that’s pretty much it.”
Again Dumbledore seemed to be very carefully hiding his disappointment. He even smiled. “How interesting.”
Spike shot him a sharp look. “Yeah, interestin’.” There was a pause. “Is that all th’ questions you ‘ave, then?”
Dumbledore looked at the others as if to see if they had any other questions themselves, like maybe McGonagall, Sirius, or the man that had been introduced as Moody would actually say something. When nobody spoke up, Mr. Weasley almost visibly trying to restrain himself, Dumbledore nodded. “No, I believe that is it. Molly, if you could please show our guests to a room? Thank you.”