Hello Goodbye and back again
Title: No happy endings
Summery: Dawn tells dean what she is; Dean freaks and reverts to type
Spoilers: Season 5 BTVS none specific for Supernatural
Rating: PG 13
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners I am only playing for angst value. Everything belongs to Joss Whedon and Eric Kripke
notes: thanks so much to everyone who has stuck with me through this story. And my heartfelt thanks as always to my beta maraliz for her continued support and advice.
Dawn’s breath hitched in her throat involuntarily and she instantly slapped a hand over her mouth in dismay.
Dawn took a moment to compose herself; trying to keep anticipation and dread at bay.
There was a shuffling noise on the other end of the phone and Dawn waited, wishing she could put the phone down and just run away, but she was somehow frozen in place, waiting for signal to breathe again.
“What do you want?”
Dawn took his brusque tone in stride, It was the way he always answered the phone until he knew what the caller wanted.
“You called me. I was returning the favor.”
“I didn’t exactly call you.”
“And you didn’t expect me to answer the phone,” Dean continued. Dawn shut her eyes tightly, knowing her silence would be the answer.
"Guess that makes us both cowards.”
Dean cleared his throat,“Your sister gave me some advice.”
“She likes imparting,” Dawn agreed thinking back to the numerous speeches she had given the baby Slayers back in Sunnydale and wishing her life were that simple now.
“Yeah. And threatening.”
There was silence across the connection ,and Dawn could feel it, the history hanging over them, the remembrance and the pain crowding in her head bringing tears to her eyes. His voice had the power to do that to her, to rip away her self-control.
“Did you mean what you said in the parking lot that night?” Dawn asked. “When you said...”
“When I said I loved you?” Dean finished. “At the time I meant it.”
Dawn squeezed her eyes shut tightly. Dean always meant what he said in the moment and when the moment passed so did he.
Dawn let out a choked out sob of surprise. After so long they were talking about it, after all the yelling and the anger and accusations they were going where there was no roadmap no signposts for either of them and fear gripped Dawn with icy talons. She had wanted this, the chance to talk it out but now it was here, Dawn didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to hear Dean tell her he didn’t love her, that he could never love her. Couldn’t he let his silence speak for him? Couldn’t he leave her to her self-imposed exile so she could pretend she was just fine with the prospect of being alonewithout him?
“I mean it now.”
The breath froze in her lungs, a painful sensation that made her feel as if she were choking.
“But I don’t know if it changes anything.”
“You asked me to stay,” Dawn replied rigidly, the cold icy feeling was spreading through her chest painfully, making her feel as if every breath was a struggle.
“You think we would have ended up here if I had stayed?”
“I think it would’ve been worse,” Dean said softly. “I think it would have destroyed us.”
“I think it already has,” Dawn whispered.
His answer made Dawn angry, slowly burning away the coldness that had taken over her. She was so sick of this, this stagnant, suffocating feeling that haunted her, she was sick of waiting for Dean to acknowledge their relationship, of feeling alone and cut off.
“Is that all you can say? I risked everything telling you what I was and you didn’t even give me a chance.”
“You told Sam before you told me,” Dean responded heatedly .
His anger ignited her own and before she had time to fully think about the consequences, she snapped back,
“What the hell does that matter?” Dawn demanded.
“It means that this huge soul baring secret that you carried around was easy enough to reveal to Sam but not to me...”
“Because I knew you’d be like this,” Dawn heatedly retorted. ‘Because I didn’t want to lose you,’ she added silently.
“Or maybe it’s because you think Sam’s better than me.”
Dawn rubbed her temples with the heel of her hand, wondering just how they had gotten here, just where the road had diverged off the straight and narrow and off into left field.
“I love Sam like a brother.” Dawn said slowly, “I don’t need to justify that to you. It has no bearing whatsoever on how I feel about you.”
She knew she should use the past tense but she couldn’t think about tenses when Dean was ripping yet another unexpected hole in her again.
“You’re the one who’s hiding Dean, first behind Cassie and now Sam. It’s not fair.”
The fight had had gone out of them both,; Dawn felt she had gone a couple of rounds with Faith in the training room. She could hear him breathing, could imagine the grim set to his mouth, the darkness in his gaze eyes as he struggled for control.
“I don’t love Cassie.”
It was the last thing Dawn had expected him to say. She had prepared herself so thoroughly for rejection that she hadn’t thought about the alternative,; she hadn’t allowed herself.
“I guess I loved the idea of her."
Dawn curled into herself; somehow it was more intimate, just hearing Dean’s voice,than having him in the room with her. It was somehow more bearable to hear his confession over a distance, and she knew it was the same for him.
“Do you think I love Sam?”
There was a long pause. “No. You probably should though.”
Dawn let out a shaky breath, “Yeah, I probably should. But I don’t.”
“It’s weird being here alone.” Dean said after a moment. “I uh...I miss....” He couldn’t finish and Dawn finally felt the tears that she couldn’t shed during their fight begin to fall.
Dawn took another shuddering breath, it was now or never. They could move forward or they could continue torturing themselves, making excuses and talking through their siblings or they could suck it up, take stock and move on. Dawn knew this would define their relationship and if it was the end, at least she would know. There was no going back, at least for her.
“Ask me again,” she said, her voice remarkably steady even with tears on her face. She felt grim and composed her whole body humming in anticipation of the answer.
“Stay with me.” Dean said without hesitation.