Disclaimer: I don’t own the Addams Family or Buffy.
Summary: Xander picks up Wednesday for their date and is invited to have dinner with her family.
As Xander walked towards one of the more foreboding houses in Sunnydale, he was wondering what was happening to him. Here he was about to go on a date with a very dangerous girl, a girl that he had been hiding from only a few months ago.
This wasn’t natural; he was supposed to have better survival instincts than this. There was some outside factor changing him, but he had yet to figure out what it was.
Oh yeah, Wednesday was a hot girl, and he was a normal teenage male that thought about sex constantly. Though, if it was normal for a guy to start ignoring those blaring red alarms in his head that warn him of danger, just to impress an attractive girl, it was a miracle that the human race had survived for so long.
The strangest part about the whole thing though was that Wednesday didn’t fit the equation that he and Jesse had come up with to quantify the hotness of a girl. Okay, so they had simply agreed that the fewer clothes a girl wears the hotter she is, but that’s high level math as far as teenage boys are concerned.
Still, Xander found Wednesday attractive. In fact, he found her so attractive he had asked her on an official date, and she had said yes.
As he knocked on the door to the mansion Xander began to wonder what Wednesday’s family was like. He knew that her parents could dust vamps while dancing a tango, but had no idea what to expect from the rest of the family.
When the door opened Xander had to look up, then he had to look up even further. Standing before him was someone with height most MBA players would envy.
“Hey, I’m here to pick up Wednesday,” said Xander, extremely proud that his voice only wavered a little.
The large man just groaned and made a gesture inviting Xander in. Xander didn’t know if the man simply didn’t speak, but decided that was a good way to check for vampires, a vital skill while living on the Hellmouth.
“Xander!” cried an enthusiastic male voice.
“Hey Mr. Addams,” said Xander.
“Perfect timing my boy, we were just about to sit down to dinner, come and join us.”
At the mere mention of food, the beast that is a teenager’s stomach let out an inhuman growl, letting all know of its dominion over the body. The lower regions may rule when there was an attractive female around, but at times like this, the stomach was supreme.
“No use trying to turn down the invitation now, I think everyone in the house heard that,” said Gomez.
“If it’s okay with Wednesday,” said Xander. He may not scare as easily these days, but his few survival instincts told him that making Wednesday Addams wait for him would be a very bad thing.
Before anything more could be said, Xander’s instincts told him to step to one side, and by doing so he barely avoided being cut by a kitchen knife wielded by some dwarf with a mustache.
“Pubert, how many times do I have to tell you to introduce yourself to the guests before you try and stab them? It’s common courtesy after all,” scolded Gomez.
“But uncle Fester says that it’s best to take them from behind when they aren’t looking,” whined Pubert, right before a three foot hairball with a pink bow on top came running into the room.
“That’s when you’re outside the house, or when someone breaks in. When it’s a guest, you always introduce yourself first.”
“Okay dad,” said the, apparently, not midget as he turned towards the large hairball. “Come on What, let’s go play with someone else.”
The hairball squeaked at Xander and then rushed after Pubert.
“Well, it was nice of her to apologize for him,” said Xander.
“I’m impressed, not many people outside the family can understand cousin What or her father,” said Wednesday as she entered the room wearing a black Chinese dress.
“Eh, after learning to understand Willow babble it wasn’t that hard,” said Xander with a shrug. So the hairball talked quickly and in a high voice, it wasn’t anything he hadn’t dealt with before.
Wednesday didn’t comment, but took in his clothes and said, “I believe that we were supposed to dress up in clothing from another nation.”
“We are, but this was the best I could come up with that fit my budget. Besides it also works for carrying weapons around without being obvious about it,” said Xander as he showed the simple dagger and wooden stake he had hidden in the baggy western clothes.
Wednesday’s response was to draw a large broadsword from somewhere. How she could have hidden it in such a tight dress Xander didn’t know, but his hormone filled mind was providing some interesting possibilities.
“Well your intentions were in the right place at least,” said Gomez. “Now I’ve invited this young man to have dinner with us Wednesday, but he has left the final decision up to you.”
“It would be interesting to see how he likes Grandmama’s cooking.”
“It’s settled then! Lurch set one more place for dinner!”
The groan that came from the kitchen was either from aggravation at having more work, or a simple acknowledgment of the order, Xander honestly couldn’t tell. Maybe he should start hanging around the jocks to get the hang of grunt and moan speech.
“Ah, it’s so nice to be able to serve everything. With Pugsley at military school and Fester starting his own family with Dementia, I always seem to make too much these days,” said an old woman as she shuffled out of the kitchen. In Xander’s opinion she seemed to fit the stereotype of a witch perfectly, but she didn’t seem any more threatening than the other members of the Addams family.
“Too bad we didn’t move to the Hellmouth until after he was enrolled. All the bullying, favoritism, and random cruelty are the reasons he wanted to go to military school in the first place,” said Gomez as he sat down next to his wife, and let Lurch pile food into his bowl.
The first thing that assaulted Xander when Lurch served him was the smell. It wasn’t the worst thing he had smelled, but it was unnatural for food.
The thing that made his stomach hit the red panic button was when the stuff that was put in his bowl began to move. The stomach considered itself to be tough, but it had one unshakable rule, food that moves is not food.
Unfortunately libido had cut the wire that connected the stomach’s panic button to the brain. It was a well known fact that not eating something a girl or her family cooked cost nookie points, and libido was determined to get as many points as possible.
Xander was only dimly aware of the two major forces fighting each other in his body. All he really knew was that whatever had been placed in front of him didn’t look appetizing at all, but he was still going to eat it so Wednesday didn’t get mad at him.
Deciding that the best course of action was to make the muck stop moving first, Xander stabbed it with his fork. This didn’t go as planned however, because the stuff in his bowl grabbed his fork and took it out of his surprised hand, and soon the goop was trying to stab him with his own utensil.
“Looks like you got the lively bit there Xander, try using your knife,” said Gomez.
“Got it,” said Xander as he picked up the knife next to his bowl. This he could handle, forget about questionable foodstuffs and girlfriends, and just kill the strange thing with a sharp and pointy object.
His initial stab was blocked by the fork the goop was still holding. That set the tone for the entire battle, with one blocking and the other stabbing. Xander quickly found that when trying to stab something so small, reach meant nothing, and joints were a bit of a hindrance when fighting something that was one fluid mass.
Luckily the stalemate was ended when the goop was stabbed from behind. Looking over to thank whoever helped him for their assistance, Xander was surprised to see a severed, but not bloody, hand holding an improbably large knife.
“Xander, this is Thing,” said Wednesday as if that statement alone explained everything.
“Thanks Thing,” said Xander, at least now knowing what to call the appendage before him.
“You seem a bit nervous Xander, are you all right?” asked Morticia.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s just that I see a moving severed hand, and my mind gets flashbacks from Evil Dead. He helped me with my dinner though so I’m really trying not to judge, hence me being nervous and probably being more truthful than I should be.”
“It’s to be expected with the company you keep I suppose, and you are making an effort to be polite. However I should warn you that I will not stand for people insulting my friends and family, especially under my own roof,” said an unusually sober Gomez.
“I can under stand that Sir,” said Xander.
“Wonderful, now eat your dinner before it recovers.”
Surprisingly enough the dinner didn’t taste too bad. It struggled a bit whenever he swallowed, but still it didn’t taste bad and that was the important thing.
After that the date was rather tame by Hellmouth standards. They only had to dust one vampire at the Bronze, and fend off Cordelia’s pack of sheep. All in all a nice evening, though Xander had to wonder what would come next.