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The Scariest F#*%ing Slayer, Ever

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Slayers that Never Were... Thank God". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: While out one night, J.D. and Elliot encounter a trio of vampires, and the scariest slayer... ever.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Scrubs(Past Donor)vinniebatmanFR1318883133,8909 Jan 099 Jan 09Yes
Title: The Scariest F#*%ing Slayer, Ever
Author: vinniebatman
Fandom: BtVS/Scrubs
Rating/Warnings: This one is teen.
Spoilers: Through BtVS, Season 7, and all of Scrubs, but in a vague fashion.
Disclaimer: I so totally own these shows. Bow Down! *Doctor's Note: Patient exhibits delusions of grandeur and any claims of ownership are pure fantasy. No harm is meant. Seriously, it's better than her throwing rocks at people.*
Author's Note: Was edited and reworked based on a suggestion from jrabbit. Thank you!
* * * * * * * * * *
It had seemed like a good idea for J.D. and Elliot to walk to his apartment nearby. Between their shifts at the hospital and and J.D. being a father, they never seemed to have time to just hang out. But they both had the next day off, and J.D.'s son, Sam, was with Kim. So it had seemed like a good idea to go drink and have fun, then walk home. As they turned down a side street, a group of two men and a woman were walking in the opposite direction. As J.D. and Elliot moved past the others, the trio suddenly attacked.

The attackers' faces turned ugly, inhuman as they snarled around fangs. One of the males immediately went for Elliot, pulling her tightly against his body. J.D. tried to help her, but was quickly felled by a strong kick to the gut. He tried to get up, but the female vampire (because they had fangs, so really, what else could they have been?) had pinned J.D. to the asphalt. J.D. watched, horrified, as a part of his brain pointed out that he was about to see Elliot die, as well as himself.

"Hey!" a woman's voice yelled. The vampires looked away from their victims and faced the source of the voice. J.D. frowned at the site of Jordan and Dr. Perry Cox standing right behind them, glaring at the vampires.

"Put down the Stick," Jordan ordered, looking at the vampire that held Elliot.

"But you're the one with the stick," the vampire replied, frowning as he focused on the stake in Jordan's hand.

"Oh my God, how stupid are you, you pitiful jackass?" Perry asked.

"Hey, I'm not stupid! And you're the jackass, jackass," the vampire shouted back.

"Wow, that was a brilliant comeback. What's next, 'I'm rubber, you're glue'" Perry teased.

"Whatever. Okay idiots, listen up: I have five minutes to kill you all and get across town for my Botox party, so please form an orderly line so I can kill you." Jordan said.

"Honestly, if I were you, I'd take her up on her offer. It'll save time and will probably be less painful for you," Perry added.

"Aren't you too old to be a slayer?" one of the vampires asked.

Jordan's eyes narrowed as Perry grinned maniacally.

"Tell me, Scooter: when they were handing out demons, how long did you have to wait to get the dumbest one in the history of Hell? Because what you just said guarantees that she will miss her party in order to slowly and painfully kill ya. And let me tell you, as her ex-husband, I can promise you that no one can torture a person like her," Perry said. "I mean, honestly, if former members of the Scourge of Europe fear her, so should you."

"Wait, who?" the female vampire asked.

Perry groaned as Jordan rolled her eyes.

"God, they just keep getting dumber and dumber," Jordan complained.

"I know, they're like interns," Perry said.

"So, are we going to fight?" one of the men asked.

"Actually, no. I don't want to ruin my dress," Jordan said.

"Wait," J.D. wheezed, "You can't just leave us."

"I didn't say I'd leave you D.J., I just said I wouldn't fight them," Jordan corrected.

Before anyone could question her meaning, Perry reached into a messenger bag he wore and pulled out several water balloons. He handed two to Jordan and kept two for himself. Without speaking, they threw the balloons in tandem, and within seconds, the vampires were screaming as their skin burned, victims forgotten.

"What in the Hell did you throw at them?" J.D. asked, scrambling away from the attackers.

"Holy water," Perry answered.

Once J.D. and Elliot were clear, Jordan and Perry went over. They threw more water balloons, distracting the vampires further. Using their stakes, Jordan and Perry each killed one vampire, the bodies turning to dust. The third, in a moment of self-preservation and surprising intelligence, ran from them. Perry said nothing as a he pulled out a small crossbow and handed it to Jordan. She raised the crossbow and it seemed as if she hadn't even bothered to aim at the vampire. But the bolt shot out with a "thwang" and landed in retreating vampire's back, piercing its heart.

J.D. and Elliot could only watch, amazed as yet another vampire disintegrated into dust.

Jordan and Perry turned and walked away, saying no more.

"What the frick was that? I mean, I've seen some strange things, but that was just, I mean, I need answers, people! This isn't the kind of thing I can talk to my therapist about!" Elliot yelled.

"Here, Barbie," Perry said, fishing a business card out of his pocket. "Call this guy; he's got he answers. And besides, I think you'd get along with him."

Elliot walked forward and took the card from Dr. Cox. Jordan and Perry then walked away. As J.D. and Elliot watched them walk away, stunned, she looked down at the card.

"Who the Hell is Andrew Wells?"

The End

You have reached the end of "The Scariest F#*%ing Slayer, Ever". This story is complete.

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