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Summary: Silly ficlet inspired by a quote in Dragonelf's signature. The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork hates one form of street entertainment; now he has an ally to help in his crusade against it.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Sir Terry Pratchett(Current Donor)SpeakertocustomersFR131503191,69129 Jan 0929 Jan 09Yes
Disclaimer: Discworld is the property of Sir Terry Pratchett and I am using the characters for amusement only. He doesn't mind us writing fanfic as long as no-one actually shows it to him. As this is a UK fandom I've used real English spellings.

Learn The Words

The door of the Patrician’s office burst open and a beautiful woman walked in. She carried a white-faced street entertainer slung over her shoulder. “I caught one for you, Havelock,” she said. “He was Exploring An Invisible Cage in Sator Square. When I approached him he tried to escape by Walking Against The Wind.”

The Patrician’s secretary followed her into the room, wringing his hands. “I tried to stop her, Lord Vetinari,” he said.

Vetinari turned his attention away from Vimes and Carrot. “That’s quite all right, Drumknott,” he said. “You could hardly be expected to stop Lady Margolotta, and she is welcome here at any time anyway.” He fixed a stern glare on the entertainer. “Have you anything to say for yourself?”

Lady Margolotta released her captive and he dropped to his knees. He clasped his hands together, raised them to chest level, and grimaced. He opened and closed his mouth, spread his hands out wide, shrugged, and clasped his hands again.

“I think that’s quite conclusive evidence of guilt,” Vetinari said. “Sir Samuel, Captain Carrot, take him away. You know the procedure. Scorpion pit, ropes, and the sign saying ‘Learn The Words’.”

“Of course, sir,” Vimes said. “Okay, chummy, walk this way. And if you ‘humorously’ take me literally I’ll assume you’re resisting arrest.” Drumknott left the room, Vimes and the entertainer behind him, and Carrot brought up the rear. As he closed the door Carrot caught a brief glimpse of Lady Margolotta embracing Vetinari and beginning a passionate kiss.

“I’m not altogether happy with this,” Carrot confessed, as they walked out of the Patrician’s Palace. “I know that this form of street entertainment is against the law, and the punishment is exactly as stated, but it’s only like that because the Patrician decreed it. There’s nothing about it in The Laws and Ordinances of The Cities of Ankh and Morpork. Lady Margolotta acting as a vigilante doesn’t sit well with me either.”

“Well, the lads hardly ever arrest anyone for it,” Vimes said, “and she’s within her rights to make a Citizen’s Arrest. Although technically she’s a citizen of Überwald, I suppose, but her dating Vetinari probably makes her eligible. I’m certainly not going to argue the point.”

“They do seem to be getting on very well,” Carrot agreed. “I wouldn’t have thought Lord Vetinari was interested in that sort of thing. I always thought that the city was his only passion.”

“I gather they had a thing a long time ago,” Vimes said, “and it looks as if they’ve picked it up again. Rather intensely, in fact.”

The entertainer made a gesture, involving the finger and thumb of one hand and the index finger of the other, which made Carrot blush and caused Vimes to fix the entertainer with a cold and intimidating glare.

“Yes, they’re very well matched,” Vimes went on, turning back to Carrot. “He is the absolute ruler of the city; she’s a member of the vampire nobility. Together, they fight mime.”

The End

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