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Master of the Vamps

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Summary: A Song Filk, taking place in the first season. To the tune of Master of the House from Les Miserables

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Original CharactersVampireConfuserFR71706013499 Feb 099 Feb 09Yes
Master of the Vamps

By Benji The Vampire Confuser

All Characters herein are the intellecual property of Joss Whedon and the creators of Buffy. The song Master of the House is from the Musical Les Miserables, which I likewise have no claim to whatsoever. It was written by Robert Hossein, Claude-Michel Schonberg, and Alain Boublil, which is itself based on the novel by Victor Hugo.

To be sung to the tune of Master of the House from Les Miserables


Welcome my prey,

Give up the fight.

Prepare to live in eternal night.

Of all the necks,

I get the best.

Your soul will rest,

But here your body will nest.

Never will you be,

Of my will free.

So just be content,

With the life you've spent.

Master of the Vamps,

Evil Incarnate.

Make the Slayer tremble

With fear of her fate.

Angel was my fave.

Put Darla in her grave.

Anointed one will take his place,

And I'll save face.

Want the Slayer out of my way,

So I can rule the earth one day.

But all my children fail,

It takes the wind out of my sails.

Master of the Vamps,

My conscience long since flew.

Ready to relieve 'em of a pint or two.

Planning an attack,

Drinking a light snack.

Think I need more Vampires to take up the slack.

Everybody love and fear me,

Everybody bow your head.

I do whatever pleases me

And won't I win out in the end?

Master of the Vamps,

Quick to take your life.

Never one to pass up causing pain and strife.

Inhabitant of hell,

In it's mouth I dwell.

If I can kill the Slayer soon my ranks will swell.

Everybody's lord and father,

Think I'll have them call me sir.

But pissed as all bejeezus,

Jesus, want to skin her to the bone!

Enter my prey,

Open your veins.

I've nothing to lose,

But everything to gain.

Anointed One,

On you I dote,

When your lessons are done

That'll be all she wrote.

Mankind's goose is cooked,

Baked boiled or fried.

The kid will stay down here,

Till I'm satisfied.

He's evil beyond compare,

Evil beyond belief!

Except that when he smiles,

He's still got human teeth.

Never was a corpse,

Can't turn to a bat.

How the bloody hell

Did they come up with that?

New recruits are more than welcome,

Long as they keep occupied.

Pointless to object, just sit back

And enjoy the ride.

When they attack in twos and threes,

She kills them with ease.

If she beats them all at once,

I'll look like a dunce.

If I had a plan,

I would be the man.

If I can get behind her

I'll kick her in the can.

When it comes to killing people,

There are lot's of tricks I knows!

God knows how I love it,

When they won't go quiet,

Jesus you think I care if you say no?!

Master of the Vamps,

One day I'll be the champ,

If only she knew how many

I have in my camp.

My new plan is great,

Anointed One is bait.

She'll comfort him,

Go down with him,

And walk through Hell's gate.

Everybody pay attention,

Give me everything you've got!

Dirty bunch of losers,

I can't believe you're still alive!

Anointed One:

I used to dream that I would live till six.

But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the Vamps?

He's just gotten old.

Think this job requires someone much more bold.

His plans are much too weak,

And his BO reeks.

Think it's time for him to go,

To sow what he reaps.

His cunning is all gone,

Thinks I'm still his pawn.

God knows how we've lasted,

Being led by this old louse!

Master of the Vamps

He won't be for long!

He thinks that he's the strongest,

Think she'll prove him wrong.

His lectures are a bore,

To tell the truth he snores.

Wants me to bring the slayer

And give her the Grand Tour.

Everybody fears the master,

Even though he looks like a mouse!

Everybody raise a glass!

Raise it up the Master's ass!

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the Vamps!

The End

You have reached the end of "Master of the Vamps". This story is complete.

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