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An Angelic Surprise

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Summary: Once a one-shot, now a real story by popular demand. Watch as a new kind of Angel is born, much to the horror of The Metatron, the fear of the PTB's, the lust of Lucifer, and the amusement of God. With guest appearances from Jay and Silent Bob.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered
Movies > Dogma
TheLaughingManFR1837,0941412422,66623 Feb 0926 Feb 09No

Revelations And An Old Enemy

AN: Here's the third chapy that you guys have been yearning for.


They weren't what Buffy was expecting the Angels to look or act like, and especially not dress like. She was expecting halos, togas, and glowing light. Not two average, though definitely cute, looking guys. The taller one reminded her of Xander as far as looks go, his face was thinner, hair shorter and more wavy, and his chin was stronger but other than that they could pass for brothers. The shorter one also reminded her of Xander too, his hair was longer like Xander's though it was a different color, his face was broader like Xander's, but it was his easy grin that was pure Xander. It almost looked like they could be family. The taller one seemed more polite than his companion and had an air of intelligence and leadership that his fellow Angel didn't have, but his friend seemed much more light hearted and friendly, though both looked easy to get along with.

Meanwhile, Bartleby was restraining himself from killing the Slayer, and he knew that she was the Slayer, in front of him. She had caused great pain and rejection to his son many times. He could see it as all Gregori could, but he could also see that she cared a lot for Alexander and that if she could take it back she would. Therefore, she was an innocent. Loki's first impression was that she was bossy, but also someone who cared for those she bossed around. Street smart, but not someone he would put in command of any squad, because while she might be a great warrior she was hopeless at strategy. All in all, someone he could get along with but not someone he would be best friends with.

"Whistler said that you guys could help cure Xander." Buffy finally broke the awkward silence between them. She saw the alarm in both of their faces at her words.

"What's wrong with Alexander?" Bartleby asked, concern in his eyes and voice. He put a hand on his compatriot's shoulder to keep Loki from bursting through the whole building to find their son. It amazed Bartleby how fast they had come to care for Alexander without even meeting him. It was probably Her influence, but he wasn't about to complain. He would care for Alexander regardless, but the extra help was appreciated.

"We don't know." Buffy said, frustration lacing her voice. "We've been trying to figure that out. We checked every book, scroll, and ancient tomb we can get our hands on and nothing matches his symptoms. He just became bedridden over night, no fever, no cold sweat, no poison, his body just started shutting down."

"Take us to him." Loki commanded harshly, surprising her with his sudden change from cheerful to coldness. Buffy noticed the taller Angel whisper in his companions ear. Whatever he said caused the blond Angel to relax slightly, but the impatience on his face remained. "Please take us to him right the fuck now! Ow! What, man? I said please."

"Forgive my friend here, he's a little..." Bartleby paused as he tried to think up a word that described Loki, before he finally gave up. "Well, whatever he is, it's him. Could you please show us to Alexander?"

"Sure, follow me." Buffy said, a small frown on he features. Definitely not what she was expecting from two Angels, but, hey, she'd take what she could get. She led them deep into the mansion which was far bigger inside than it appeared to the center of the Slayer training school. They had put Xander in the center of the heavily guarded building, hoping that it would help negate some of the effects of whatever was killing him. It didn't, but the room was still one of the most heavily protected rooms in the mansion, the others being the library and artifact vault, but they couldn't put him in either of those.

As they arrived at the room, the other Scoobies stood up when they noticed the new arrivals. Buffy could see Faith reached behind her in a fake casual manner, no doubt grabbing the knife that Buffy had finally returned to her. Willow flexed her fingers, loosening them up in preparation of a spell. Robin, even though he didn't like Xander much he came to his respect for the bedridden man, didn't bother with casualness and grabbed a battle axe. Giles moved toward where the rapiers hung on the walls in the falsely decorated seal of the Watchers. Riley reached under his jacket where he kept a 1911 Colt .45 just in case with Sam surreptitiously following her husband's example. Oz's eyes took on an amber tone as he prepared to transform in case a fight broke out. Dawn glared icily as she grabbed a dagger that she hid in her boots. Even, Clem, who she had never seen show any hostility, moved his folds of skin around in a threatening manner. But it was Spike and Angel who surprised her the most. Her heavy hitters were backing away from the two Angels with mirroring pained expressions on their faces as if just being around the Loki and Bartleby hurt them.

"Wow." Loki said, looking taken aback as he saw the collected Scoobies ready themselves for a fight. "I'm really sensing the hostility here."

"Guys, don't worry. They're here to help." Buffy said, as she looked at each of the Scoobies in the eye to show them that she wasn't under some sort of spell. She didn't know why she was trusting these guys so much as they could be lying about being the Angels that Whistler told her were coming. Then again, if the Powers That Be found out about the Angels only an hour before they arrived then she doubted the demons could find out fast enough to send these guys. Even if they were demons in disguise they would have to be crazy to try to take all the Slayer in the building, the most powerful Wicca in the world, the two strongest Slayers, two master vampires with souls, Rupert 'The Ripper' Giles, two highly trained Special Ops who hunted demons, a demon of unknown strength, and two demons hunters.

"We just want to see Alexander." Bartleby said placating. It didn't work, if anything the group only got more hostile. "You guys are welcome to watch us to make sure that we don't try to hurt him, okay. Afterward we'll explain everything. I promise."

The group looked at the two Angels then at each other, seemingly communicating without saying a word. Bartleby almost smacked himself in the head as he remembered the Wicca. Of course, they were communicating telepathically. Finally they seemed to reach an agreement.

"Alright, but Buffy, Faith, and me go in with you." Willow said, sternly. An action that looked humorous given her pixie-like features and short stature. Bartleby could hear Loki snicker and shot him a warning look.

"I'll go in first, then Willow will go in with these two-"

"I'm Bartleby and he's Loki." Supplied Bartleby. Buffy nodded at him.

"Willow will go in with Bartleby and Loki, and Faith will follow up. Everybody clear?" They nodded and Buffy opened the heavy oak door to Xander's bedroom. Once, Bartleby saw Xander a look of relief came upon his face to the confusion of everybody else in the room, except Xander who calmed down for some reason.

"Thank you." Bartleby breathed, looking upward. He smiled at Loki as the former Angel of Death walked up to the bed and knelt at Xander's side. Loki's hands trembled as he brushed his son's hair away from his forehead and he looked at Xander's form with amazement and pride. Bartleby joined his counterpart by their son's bed, his face holding a mirroring look of amazement.

"He looks like us." Loki said, his voice breaking. Buffy, Faith, and Willow stared in confusion at the odd, yet sweet scene before them. It didn't make any sense to them. These two had never seen Xander before to their knowledge and yet both were looking at their fallen friend as if he was the most precious thing they had ever seen.

"A perfect combination of us. He's has your face and skin with my hair and build." Bartleby breathed out, his eyes wide in amazement and adoration. He reached out to cup Xander's cheek, causing Xander to subconsciously lean in to his father's hand.

"Dad?" Xander muttered in his sleep causing Bartleby and Loki's eyes to well up with tears. They both nodded reaching out to stroke his head gently. Angels were naturally very affectionate beings and because the sex obstacle was out of the way they could touch or hug one another without it being considered inappropriate. Angels needed love and affection, even if they could have sex they wouldn't stop being extremely affectionate and touchy feely with one another.

"Yeah, we're here kid." Bartleby whispered, smiling at his sleeping son. Loki gently rubbing the boy's brow. "The pain will stop soon, okay? Chances are She is giving you the rundown right now. God doesn't do that for just everybody, She has a great fondness and big plans for you, but it's your choice. It's always been your choice."

"We better let him rest B, c'mon." Loki said softly, gently leading his friend away from their son. "He has a big day ahead of him tomorrow and he's going to need every bit of strength he can get."

"You're right." Bartleby agreed painfully, not wanting to leave his son but knowing that it was best. He turned toward the others in the room. "We better go to a living room or something if you guys want to know what's happening to Alexander. Don't go in his room until tomorrow night at midnight, he's going to need peace and quiet until then."


"Okay talk." Buffy demanded, crossing her arms across her chest. They were in a spacious living room that was obviously made for extreme comfort. "You say that you're Angels, how about you prove it. Show us your wings, that is if you even have them."

"Fuck yeah, we have wings." Loki said standing up and looking offended. Bartleby reached out and touched his best friend's shoulder calming him down. Loki threw one last glare at Buffy before he sat down. "And mine's longer than his."

"I'm sorry for Loki here. He tends to wear his emotions on his sleeve, but yes we have wings." Bartleby said, trying to keep things from escalating. He looked sideways at his compatriot and smirked. "And mine's thicker."

"Oh, yeah? Then why do you read so much, huh? You're compensating for having a short wingspan." Loki grinned, his wings coming out of his back and flaring impressively. They were beautiful, each wing was at least nine feet when fully extended and were covered in pearly white feathers with some having black tips. The former Angel of Death turned to face the awestruck Scoobies with a smug grin on his face. "See? My wings are jaw droppingly huge."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." Bartleby muttered, before flaring out his own wings. His were a few inches shorter than Loki and were covered in light gray, almost white feathers with the occasional darker gray feather. They were, however, definitely a few inches wider than those of Loki's. "Told ya."

"Apparently, wing size is like penis sizes for Angels." Spike said, smirking at the exchange. He had never met an Angel before and, even though his demon was screaming bloody murder, he found himself liking the duo. Angel nodded in agreement before stopping when he realized that he was agreeing with Spike.

"You know they may have a point." Bartleby said, frowning in thought. "Angels never had argument about wing size back when we still had cocks."

"Y-you guys don't have a penis?" Buffy asked in shock, her eyes looking like they were going to pop out of her head. The other Scoobies looking just as shocked. She threw a suspicious glare at Dawn and Faith, both who had cursed upon hearing that bit of knowledge. She got one innocent look that wasn't fooling anybody and one sinful smirk.

"Nope, we're pretty much Ken dolls." Bartleby said, pulling down his pants and showing them the smooth skin where a penis should be on any male. He pulled his pants back up. "Something that I blame genius over here for."

"Hey, I wasn't the only one in that orgy!" Loki said defensively. "I remember seeing you and Lucifer hittin' it off."

"That's possibly the only thing that you remember about that night." Bartleby shot back, crossing his arms. "Besides, you were the only one to get caught with Lucifer."

"C'mon man, it was the Morning Star. She's not just some chick you leave in the morning, you stay around for a 'good morning, maybe we should just be friends, please don't kill me, how about a good bye fuck, and please don't rip my balls off'." Loki shouted, waving his arms around to accentuate his point. "Besides there was a truce between us all that night."

"You slept with the Devil?!" Buffy screeched, mouth hanging open. The others were in a similar state, except Faith who gave Loki a thumbs up.

"He did too!" Loki defended, pointing his finger at Bartleby who was trying to look as small as possible. Not an easy thing when you have huge wings coming out of your back. Loki grinned smugly at the fact that he had successfully diverted the attention from himself and onto his counter part.

"Anyway we're getting off topic here." Bartleby changed the subject. He looked at the group's suspicious faces and knew he had to do something or he would never live it down. "You wanted to know what's wrong with Alexander?"

"You know?" Willow asked, her big green eyes impossibly large and filled with hope. Bartleby shuddered at the look. It reminded him far too much of Lucifer's 'I'm cute, innocent, and harmless face' which was usually followed by 'Muhahahahaha'.

"Well, he's not so much dying as being reborn and unfortunately dying is apart of that." Bartleby said, looking at all the Scoobies in the eye in turn once more. They were all innocents for the most part. Some mistakes were made by all, but they fought the good fight and were trustworthy..mostly. "Around twenty five years ago God started an experiment. She wanted-"

"Wait a minute! She?" Willow interrupted, looking inordinately pleased with herself. She turned to the other Scoobies with a smirk and held out her hand while they grudgingly pulled out their wallets. "Told you God was a woman."

"Explains why life's a bitch." Faith muttered, only to fall silent as lightning flashed in the clear blue sky outside and thunder rolled ominously. "Hehehe, just joking."

"Please tell me that she did not use the word joke as an excuse to God." A horrified Loki begged Bartleby, who for his part covered his eyes with his hand. "She did didn't she?"

"Unfortunately." Bartleby muttered, looking like he wanted to crawl into a hole and never come back out. Loki was mirroring his expression perfectly with an addition of looking like he wanted to cry.

"What's wrong with using joking as an excuse?" Faith asked looking confused. Bartleby and Loki groaned as if they had just been tortured or were having great sex.

"God's considers Herself a prankster." Loki explained while Bartleby tried to crawl into the couch. "She's responsible for some of the greatest gags of all time and when someone says that they were joking, She takes it as a personal prank war against that person to show that She has a sense of humor. Congrads, you have just initiated a prank war with the Almighty."

"Aw, fuck. The Xanman was bad enough, now God's joined in." Faith said, looking depressed. At least she could get even with Xander, with Her there was no way to even up the score. "I'm screwed."

"Back to the subject here." Bartleby said, wanting to get this over with. "About twenty five years ago, She came up with the idea to start up a new Choir of Angels that She called the Protectors. Their job would be to protect humans and those that are important in the fight, kind of like a pissed off body guard. A Protector would be the combined essence of two Angels and would be implanted into a human woman for birth, then they would be human for the next twenty four years. When they neared their twenty fifth birthday, there body would start killing off the human part of them. Organs, blood cells, all of that which an Angel doesn't need would die. When that is completed, on the very second that they were born, they would transform into Angels if they were found both worthy and willing. While they're indisposed, God will explain the situation to them and offer them a choice. Alexander is a Protector, he was created to be the most powerful Protector from two very powerful, loved, and feared Angels who She liked.

Alexander will end the Balance. There won't be a reason for it anymore as once the Protectors are assembled then Heaven's power will be at it's peak. As you can imagine, those on our own side who profit from the Balance aren't very happy with and have tried subtlety to either destroy him, corrupt him, or keep him from finding a reason to keep fighting. They failed and now they have given up the subtle approach and are going balls to the wall to make sure Alexander never Ascends because if he does then he will see what they have been up to thanks to having a Gregori as one of his parents. He will destroy them utterly and they know it, thus them allowing the so-called First Evil into this reality. The Powers That Be don't care about the Balance or this dimension anymore, all they care about is saving their own asses. They are going to throw everything that they have at him. We're here to make sure that they don't succeed."

"But I don't want my Xander dickless!" Dawn screamed, jumping up and pacing. "I'm turning eighteen in two months and I want my promised Xander-loving and he needs a penis for what I want! Xander needs a penis!"

"I'm with little D, yo!" Faith said, her expression panicked. "Xan's dick is one of his best traits." Here Loki and Bartleby high fived each other. "If God is really a chick then She won't deprive womankind of Xander-cock, not after all the work Anya did on him to insure that he's be a mindblowing fuck! It'd disgrace her memory!"

"Hey!" Loki yelled, getting both girls' attention. "Calm down. Alexander won't be dickless, alight? As a Protector, hell, THE Protector he'll have certain human privileges. Like having reproduction organs, he won't be able to have kids but he'll have all the working parts, he'll be able to drink, and he will have free will. He's getting a sweet deal, one any Angel would want. Plus he'll have Angelic stamina which let me tell you is nothing to scoff at."

"Alright!" Both Dawn and Faith cheered in unison, high fiving one another with radiant expressions on their faces. Faith looked up at the sky with gratitude. "Thanks, ya a real friend."

"The other reason we were assigned is that-" Before Loki could finish blurting out the reason, the wall next to them exploded sending debris everywhere and people flying. A familiar figure stepped out of the dust and walked slowly toward the Scoobies who were just getting back up.

"Okay, what the FUCK!" Loki cursed as he stood up from where he slammed into the wall. Bartleby nodded in agreement, a dark look coming over his features.

"Well, if it isn't the skinny bitch and my Key." A feminine voice drifted out, causing Dawn to turn as white as a sheet. A voluptuous body stepped into view along with a face that could have belonged to a Dallas Cheerleader. "Isn't it just frustrating when you look everywhere for something then you find it and lose it again, then it turns up when you don't need it anymore?"

"We're Alexander's fucking dads, alright!" Loki shouted, finally saying what he had been wanting to since the beginning. Everyone looked at Bartleby and Loki with dumbfounded expressions. When he noticed everyone looking at him, Loki turned sheepish. "Sorry, just wanted to get that out."

"And he does it again." Bartleby said, smacking his forehead.

"Ooookkaaayyyy." Glory said awkwardly, looking confused. She shook her head as she remembered her reason for coming to the Cleveland Hellmouth. "Oh, yeah, do you guys know where Xander Harris is? Some guys wearing white said that if I killed him then they would send me home."

"Wow." Loki said, reaching up and tearing his shirt open to reveal his Angelic armor with the standard red undershirt. He flared his wings out behind him impressively and Bartleby followed his friend's example. "Man-o-man, did you ever pick the wrong fucking time to say that."


AN: I promised you guys a big chapter, didn't I? Well, for the Willow Bet part you can thank Fyrloche as it was his idea and I just liked it. Also, would anyone be willing to do Fanart for this piece? Because I would love to see some. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapy and don't forget to REVIW!

The End?

You have reached the end of "An Angelic Surprise" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 26 Feb 09.

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