Divide by Zero
by P.H. Wise
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer shortfic
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of its associated characters. I'm not doing this for profit. Please don't hurt me.
He couldn't remember the license plate of the truck that had run over his head, and his mouth tasted like an angry cat had taken an enormous crap inside of it, but all in all, it wasn't so bad. So this was a hangover. Look at him being all hung overy. Overy. Ovary? What did that remind him of? Probably wasn't important.
Awareness of the outside world returned to Xander Harris in stages. First, of course, was mind-numbing pain. Then god-awful taste. Then blinding white hot needles in his eyes, and we're suddenly back on the subject of mind-numbing pain. Eventually, the white needles resolved into the light of a small, dim lamp on the side of the bed, and he became aware of the silk sheets that covered him. Actually, hangover aside, this was a pretty comfortable bed.
Presently he realized that he was not alone. As his sense of touch grew less muted and the film that sleep had laid over his senses began to peel away, he realized that he was spooning with someone. A female someone. A female someone with sizable breasts, actually, which his hands were currently resting upon. He gave an experimental squeeze. Yep, pretty sizable. None of this had set off any alarm bells yet, of course. He was just shy of awake enough for that.
At last, he cracked his eyes open and held them open long enough for the female someone's body to swim into view. Hot. Blonde. Naked. No condoms in sight. Unprotected sex, then. Somewhere in Xander's mind, alarm bells were ringing, but the larger part of it was thinking, 'I just totally slept with Buffy!' And to think he almost had decided not to go to Vegas with his senior class! Oh, sure, they were supposed to have been going to see some fancy art museum, but things hadn't exactly turned out that way. Smiling contentedly, he rolled over as quietly as he could, trying not to wake Buffy.
That was when his eyes fell upon the official looking piece of paper on the night stand.
The blonde beside him stirred and looked up, but Xander's whole world was now focused on the paper: he wouldn't have noticed her if she'd given him a blowjob. … Well, ok, maybe then. But the point is, he was horrified.
It was a marriage license.
An honest to goodness MARRIAGE license! From Vegas!
And the blonde... THAT. WASN'T. BUFFY.
Tired, sore in places she'd rather not have been, and more than a little hung over herself, Harmony Kendall sat up, took in the situation, and then uttered one word which expressed Xander's own feelings on the matter far better than he could have done in a thousand such words: