A/N: Just a quick addition I've found on my harddrive. These are the rules Buffy and Gwen talk about in chapter 67, written on the wall next to the uber cool dragon. I hope you get a laugh out of it.
+As written down by Captain J. Harkness, Leader of Torchwood Three.
And Buffy, temporary leader of Torchwood Three.
1. We do not mess with the Rift. No, really. We don’t.
2. We are ready. Never doubt that.
3. Suzie may be a genius but we do not let her near the coffee machine. Or any other kitchen appliance.
4. We do not make applicants strip in order to get a ‘comprehensive picture of their skills’.
5. Even if they don’t mind. Don’t be a bore, Suz. – CJH
6. We do not order pizza under the name ‘Torchwood’.
7. Same goes for all other orders we make. It was a joke! - DOH
8. If we spot a blue box anywhere, we tell Jack. What? – TS, Just do it, please. CJH, Did Jack just say please? – DOH
9. Let the dead stay buried.
10. We do not take alien artefacts off the base unless we have the Captain’s permission.
11. We do not engage in any sort of sexual activity with prisoners, Gwen. Funny. –GC
12. We do not call Gwen ‘Cop girl’ just to get a rise out of her.
13. Even if it works surprisingly well.
14. We do not hide our cybergirlfriends in the basement. Shut up, Owen. – CJH
15. Ianto is part of the team. He is not the butler.
16. We do not feed the Weevils with pizza. We know they can’t digest them, Owen. That was Tosh. – DOH
17. When Buffy says she has a bad feeling about something, we believe her.
18. We do not let Jack take us camping. I didn’t know there would be cannibals. – CJH
19. We only get to tease people about their mistakes for a week. Longer only if they almost ended the world. You deserve it. Cannibals, Jack. - GC
20. We do not touch the coffee machine unless we want to face Ianto’s wrath.
21. If we come into the possession of alien artefacts, we hand them over to Torchwood immediately. We do not keep them.
22. We do not read other people’s minds. That only leads to trouble. Sorry. – TS
23. We do not use Owen as bait.
24. We do not forget that we are using Owen as bait and leave him to fight the Weevil alone.
25. Let the dead stay buried.
26. We do not use retcon to brainwash people.
27. We do not ask about the stopwatch.
28. We do not lock Owen is the vaults and tell him he won’t get out until he does a strip tease for us, Buffy.
29. We do not press buttons because ‘they are shiny’. Spoilsport. – B
30. We do not mess with the Rift. Even if it is to save people’s lives. Even if those people are Jack and Tosh. We just don’t.
31. WE DO NOT MESS WITH THE RIFT!
32. We do not shoot Jack. Thank you. – CJH
33. We do not call the Wise and Glorious Emperor of the Seventh Moon of Thulak a ‘tiny green guy’.
34. Nor do we giggle at him and hum the ‘War of the Worlds’ theme song every time we see him.
35. Buffy is only allowed to drive in apocalyptic emergencies.
36. There is no need for Kathy to know everything, no matter how many questions she asks.
37. We do not drink alcohol from alternate dimensions under any circumstances, ever, at all. They said it was rum! – DOH
38. We do not leave for longer than a couple of hours without telling anyone where we are going, Jack. I said I was sorry. – CJH
39. We have faith in Jack.
40. We do not take people for granted. Life is too fragile for that.
41. Owen is not allowed to make more than five teaboy jokes a day. He is not allowed to write them down and save them for later either.
42. Buffy is not allowed to use future technology to upload nasty screensavers to Owen’s computer, thus making it impossible for him to remove them. Fair play, children.
43. Tosh is not allowed to feed Janet or Myfanwy. At all.
44. We do not trust our ex-anythings and we do not let them inside the Hub.
45. When Jack tells you not to snog someone, you obey him.
46. Actually, we do not snog anything that is not completely human and from Earth. Unless we are Jack or Buffy. They know what they’re doing. Most of the time. – GC
47. We do not make dirty jokes about Blowfish.
48. We do not allow Rhys to keep a scrapbook.
49. We do not ask Jack and Buffy about their past. It only leads to tears.
50. We do not try to sell CCTV footage of Jack and Ianto having sex on ebay. Nor anywhere else.
51. Buffy’s first rule trumps any but the first and ninth Torchwood rule.
52. Buffy’s rule: Don’t die.
53. We do not cross timelines if we can help it.
54. ‘Confidential’ does not mean ‘hack into and learn by heart’.
55. The locked room in the archives is locked for a reason and if you try to get in there, you deserve to be zapped.
56. ‘Janet made me do it’ is not a legitimate excuse for anything.
57. If we get the Captain killed, we buy him dinner.
58. If we get Buffy killed, we buy her shoes.
59. We do not need to know what happened during those two lost days.
60. Neither do we need to know where all the sand in the vaults came from.
61. If we spill alien substances on the floor, we clean them up.
62. We do not tease Ianto about his diary. Thank you. – IJ
63. Even though he’s not allowed to take it outside the Hub. Sorry.
64. We do not enter alien spacecraft unless we are sure they are empty.
65. We do not poke fun at UNIT members.
66. We do not write ‘Torchwood does it better’ on their reports and send them back. Ianto. I swear. – DOH
67. We do not use any knowledge gained during time travel to gain an unfair advantage at sports events.
68. Even if we are short on cash.
69. Pretending to stumble and pour coffee into Tosh’s keyboard is not funny. Oh, come on! – DOH
70. Owen is not allowed to proposition Martha more than three times a day.
71. No more gloves. No more mittens. No more resurrections.
72. We do not call Buffy ‘Owen’s Sugar Mommy’, even if he does follow her like a lost puppy.
73. We do not scream ‘Brains!’ every time Owen enters the room.
74. Neither do we ask, ‘does it smell like something’s dead in here?’ He deserved it. – IJ, Oi, a little respect for the dead!? – DOH
75. Asking Jack to explain how 69 works with three people is rude. I don’t mind. – CJH We do. – GC
76. Nor do we ask for pictures.
77. We don’t ask Buffy and Jack about the funny voices. Ianto knows. That’s enough.
78. Any and all pregnancy jokes are herewith banned inside the Hub. And on missions. – B
79. We still do not let Rhys keep a scrapbook.
80. We do not call anyone’s mother an ugly bitch to her face. It’s true! – CJH
81. The fact that Ianto caught the bouquet does not mean anything, so stop it, Owen.
82. ‘I’m pregnant with an alien baby’ is only a legitimate excuse when it’s true.
83. When Jack tells us to leave well enough alone, we do, Gwen. I can’t, Jack. – GW
84. Jack does not always know best. Thanks for that, Ianto. – CJH
85. Buffy and Jack are Buffy and Jack. Always.
86. We do not ask about the voices.
87. We do not blow up half the damn city, John. Bugger off, Jack. – CJH2
88. The end is where we start from.