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Staking out the Trash

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Summary: Spike meets Edward passing through Forks. Warning! This is meant as a comedy at the expense of Twilight.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Twilight > Spike - CenteredUncagedMuseFR1317291252,44026 Feb 0926 Feb 09Yes
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners, Stephanie Meyer/Twilight and Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N Again I will warn that this is supposed to be humorous and contains Twilight bashing. If you can not deal with this type of humor then please use the back button and leave now.

Thanks to the wonderful and perfect spikeslovebite, bestest friend, for the quickie beta and redwulf50 for laughing and saying it was good w/the bashing.



Staking out the Trash
(bad, but fun pun intended.)


He’d seen things that would make the strongest man cry, done things that would have the saintliest man alive begging to give up his entire family just to stop the pain, but this…this was wrong on a completely different level. This was…Angelesque.

The evil vampire even had his grandsire’s puppy dog eyes and brood down pat, Spike noticed as he watched him feed the young girl another load of bollocks while he waited for the innocent to leave.

“Oh, Edward, I don’t care about any of that. I love you,” the poor girl cried, clinging to the demon like her life depended on it.

“But Bella, I have to do the right thing. Don’t you see? Being together is wrong, no matter how much I love you,” Edward stated, shoving her back and holding her at arm’s length.

“No! Our love could never be wrong, Edward. Promise me you’ll never leave me. Promise you’ll always love me,” Bella begged, gripping his arms tightly.

“It’s late, my love, and your father will begin to worry. I promise to do nothing rash until we’ve talked some more. I do love you, my sweet Bella. So much it’s tearing me apart,” he replied with a suitably tortured expression.

Even from this distance, Spike could clearly see how the evil shit was ramping up the sad eyes like a pro. Bile rose in his throat as he listened to the obvious lies dripping from the sod's mouth. It reminded him of the way Angel kept Buffy suspended in their tragic Romeo and Juliet first love affair for so long.

‘This was a must slay situation,’ he thought. ‘And when did I start thinking in Buffy-speak? Bloody hell, there I go again. Girl’s got me by the short and curlies, she does. Doesn’t matter, she’ll be all hot and bothered when I get home and tell her what I found and stopped before it could get started.’

“Now go, before your father comes looking for you,” Edward commanded as he turned to walk further into the forest, leaving the heartbroken girl behind.

When the other vampire got closer to Spike’s hiding place, he stepped out into his path. “Seems you got a nice set up here, mate,” he commented, causing Edward to flinch away from him with a high-pitched shriek.

“Should really pay attention to your surroundings, boy. Never know what sort of nasties might be lurking about.” Spike leaned against the tree and lit his smoke, grinning manically. “Now, the way I see it, you’ve got that cute little girl all revved up and ready to do whatever you want, right?” he asked nonchalantly.

“Who the hell are you and what business is it of yours what I do?” the dark haired vamp bristled.

“Spike’s the name, and seeing as how you’re either toyin’ with that innocent’s emotions before ripping her throat out, or just a pedophile wantin’ to turn a young virgin, so you can pop her cherry every shag, makes it my business,” Spike replied.

“But…but you’re a vampire. Why would you care what I do with the food?” Edward stuttered, feeling the tingling of strength that screamed master coming off Spike in waves.

“Since I’m a white hat, and all, it matters in ways you couldn’t imagine,” the bleached blond smirked as his mind once again wandered to Buffy. “And my girl’s gonna be real appreciative, if you get my drift?”

Edward suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest. Quickly he looked down and caught a glimpse of the stake a second before he turned to dust.

‘Slayer muscles used in all the right places,’ Spike’s mind drifted as he walked back to his car with a silly grin on his face and a hard on that could cut through steel.

And just for shits and giggles, on his way out of town, he ran over the sign announcing, Welcome to Forks.

The end.

The End

You have reached the end of "Staking out the Trash". This story is complete.

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