Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all associated characters are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, United Paramount Network, and Fox Television. Legally Blonde is property of Amanda Brown, Karen McCullah Lutz, 20th Century Fox, and MGM. Elle’s lyrics are from Legally Blonde: The Musical by Laurence O'Keefe and Nell Benjamin. This work is not for profit, and no ownership of aforementioned copyrighted material implied, nor any infringement intended.
* * *
A sharp knock sounded on the door to the largest office in Wolfram and Hart’s Los Angeles branch.
“Come in,” said the vampire behind the desk.
Bill Carmichael, Gavin Parks’ replacement, entered the office with a frown on his face. “Angel, it’s about the new intern in my department.”
Angel smiled thinly. “I assume you’re referring to Ms. Woods?” Bill was a bit less slimy than his predecessor, but definitely evil under the facade worn to please the new boss.
“Well, yes,” the man said. “You’re familiar with her?”
Angel raised an eyebrow. “She’s evil?”
“No,” Bill said. “And that’s the problem. I know we’re on a whole new track and all, but still. Elle’s just so...perky, it’s disturbing the wa
of my whole department.”
“Wait,” Angel said. “One happy female intern is upsetting your department?”
“I know how it sounds, but it’s true,” Bill continued. “Seriously, I’m concerned for her well-being. I’m worried someone might snap and kill her.”
Angel nodded to show he followed the other’s train of thought, although he didn’t agree. “Where do you suggest I transfer her?”
“Krevlornswath’s department? He seems much less...consciencially-challenged than many of the department heads. Plus he’s got a longer fuse.”
Angel tented his fingers. “Wouldn’t it be safer for Ms. Woods if we just let her go?”
Bill shook his head. “She could be an asset for the firm, eventually, if properly cultivated. I really think we should give her a shot in another area.”
“Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I’ll look into it.” Angel nodded in dismissal and Bill closed the door on his way out.
Angel hit a button on his phone. “Harmony?”
“Please set up a meeting with Lorne at his earliest convenience.” Angel pulled up Elle Woods’ file on his computer and studied it. He sighed, knowing that if Cordy was here she’d have sniped something to the effect of ‘saving the world, one blonde bimbo at a time.’
* * *
The next day Lorne had a genuine smile on his face as Elle tapped on the jamb of the open door. “Come on in, sunshine,” he said.
“Thanks, Mr. Krevlornswath!” The blonde sat primly in one of the chairs facing Lorne and crossed her legs primly.
“Please, call me Lorne.” The green demon smiled. “So tell me, sweetums, were your parents Blues Brothers fans?”
“What?” Elle’s forehead creased. “Why do you ask?”
“Elle...Woods...” Lorne trailed off.
“Sorry,” the intern chirped.
“Would you do me a favor? I always like to have people sing for me; it’s like baring a little piece of their soul.”
“Sure Mr. Krevlornswath—I mean, Lorne. What would you like me to sing?”
“Oh, any old thing.”
Elle thought for a moment, then began to sing, “Though I dreamed of this day long ago...”
Lorne paled slightly. He interrupted before Elle could really get going. “Cupcake, you know what to do for earthquakes, right?”
“You’re supposed to stand in a doorway until the temblor is over. Then, exit the building in a totally orderly fashion.”
Lorne nodded. “And do you know I read people?”
Elle tilted her head at the non-sequitur, then smiled brightly. “Oh, I read 'People' all the time. I knew this was the department for me; you and I have so much in common!”
“Honey, if you’re ever at work and think there’s an earthquake, you need to get out of the building ASAP. Don’t wait, okay?”
“Okay, Lorne. You’re so sweet, being all protective. I’ll be fine here; I promise.”
* * *
A few months later, in May, there was an actual earthquake. Elle remembered Lorne's warning, and headed to the parking garage.
“Darn.” Elle spied her car, crushed under a chunk of rubble. It was totally not fair.
“Elle, over here!”
“I got the keys.” Harmony pressed the remote and a car chirped, lights flashing.
“Ooh, the yellow ‘Vette,” said Elle. “Good call.”
“Yeah. Angel actually let me drive it once before. The little ding was SO not my fault.”
Elle paused. “You mind if I drive, then?”
“As long as it’s not ALL the time,” Harmony said as a tremor shook the ground.
“Time to get out of Dodge.” Elle slid into the driver’s seat and hit the start button.
Harmony’s brow furrowed in confusion. “But we didn’t get the Viper.”
Elle peeled out of the parking garage while the ground shook beneath the car. Harmony looked over at her speculatively. “Elle, did you ever see the movie ‘Bound?’”
“Harm, you’re really sweet, but you’re not my type.”
“What, you don’t like girls?”
“No, I just have a thing about dating vampires.”
“Oh. That’s okay. But we can be friends?”
“Totally! Look, we’re two young, attractive women with our whole lives...er, futures ahead of us.” They drove down the street. Behind them, the law offices of Wolfram and Hart continued to collapse.