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Enter the Merc

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This story is No. 3 in the series "Chronicles of a Freak". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Almost a year has passed since Halloween, and since I've gotten my lazy butt to write something.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > DeadpoolEarthDragonFR1844,98121612,10810 Mar 0916 May 10No

Conversations and cake

AN:It didn't take you guys long to think of some inappropriate things involving Bea Arthur and Betty White now did ya. Anyways here's the next chapter hope you like and remember a stroked ego is a good motivator for uploading.


“So we’re agreed then,” Death said with a smile “would you like to go back to your body now?”

“Don’t you need me to do a job?” Xander asked and raised his brows.

“No need to worry about that it’s in the corporeal world,” she said and took a sip of her espresso “and don’t worry about the details you’ll know all about the job when you wake up.”

He looked at his body and said “If I have to, do I need to lie on top of myself or massage my own feet?”

She looked at him with curious eyes and said “Really? You’re into feet?”

He gave a playful grin and said “Yes I find that women love to have their feet massaged. I could massage your feet; on the condition that I get to be naked.”

“Why would you be naked and not me?” she asked with a giggle.

“I just like the feeling of nakedness,” he replied and wagged his eyebrows “do you want to be naked in a more mischievous way?”

She smiled and shook her head “Silly boy,” then snapped her fingers, and Xander was back in his body looking up the nostrils of several people and down the blouses of a couple girls.

“Hey everybody,” he said with a hazy smile “I was dreaming and you were there and you were there and.”

Cordelia rolled her eyes and said “he’s okay,” and walked away to get some punch.

“Xander!” Buffy was the next person to say something but angrier “what were you thinking?”

“That’s an answer you probably wouldn’t want to hear,” he said and got back to his feet to hear the sweet sound of Angel yelling as he fell to his face.

“HARRIS!” Angel yelled face flat on the floor.

“Wasn’t me!” Xander managed to say between chuckles “I was unconscious/semi dead.”

Angel mumbled something no one could hear, and undid the rope that was tied around his legs.

“Dear lord,” Giles said in his usual stressed out tone and polished his glasses “what do you mean by semi dead Xander?”

Willow took this time to get a little huffy and said “youcouldn’thavediedyouwereunconsciousforfiveminutes!andyourheartwasbeatingandyoudon’thavefangsandandand.”

All Oz said was “yeah.”

“I wasn’t all the way dead,” Xander attempted to defend his word choice “just dead enough to have a conversation with Death.”

The Scooby-gang became confused again with Buffy answering first “You did what!?”

He rolled his eyes and said “talk to Death…duh.”

Giles threw his question out next “you spoke with the actual Grim Reaper?”

Willow was next “what was he like? Was he a talking skeleton?”

“Cool,” Oz said and went to go get some chips.

Angel was about to say something about how he didn’t talk to Death when he died, but he saw the blue arm attempt to grab Buffy who jumped out of the way in time and yelled “Bad Arm!” that was when the wheels in his head started turning. He shook his head and said “It can’t be. She wouldn’t”

Xander thought that angel meant Death wouldn’t talk to him so he said “Hey if you were the one who talked to Death you would probably be like ‘whose got two thumbs and just had a conversation with death? This guy’ and Buffy be like ‘wow Angel that’s totally awesome swoosh your jacket so I could get shiver down my spine’ and then I would be like ‘balls’.”

Angel didn’t have a reply to that since he wasn’t paying attention to Xander instead he walked even closer to the arm. Buff looked to him with worry in her eyes and said “Angel?”

He didn’t hear her instead he just started to the arm “I-It’s a legend,” he paused and waited for the right words “before my time,” he paused again just for a dramatic effect “of a demon brought forth to ride the Earth of the plague of humanity separating the righteous,” he looked toward where Buffy was standing and saw she had a concerned look on her “and the wicked,” he turned his head and glared at Xander who was guzzling one of Giles’s Guinness and stuffing his face with nachos somehow at the same time “they call him the Judge.”

“The Judge?” Giles asked and took his beer back from Xander “This is he?” he asked and took a swig himself.

Angel shook his head and said “Not all of him.”

Still confused, Buffy raised her hand to grab the attention of the two men and said “um, still needing back story here.”

Giles removed his glasses and started to polish them. He then said “Um..” very articulately then continued “He, he, he, couldn’t be killed, yes? A-an army was sent against him. Most of them died, but, uh, finally they were able to dismember him,” he placed his glasses back on his face “but not kill him.”

Angel tore his gaze away from Buffy and back to the Judge’s arm and said “The pieces were scattered,” he returned his gaze to Buffy and walked to her “buried in every corner of the Earth.”

Jenny took this time to add her input “so all these parts are being brought here.”

“By Drusilla. The vamps outside were Spike’s men,” Buffy stated with a nod.

Angel looked down feel the weight of his regret for Drusilla “she’s just crazy enough to do it.”

“Do what, reassemble the Judge?” said Willow from her spot next to Oz.

Angel nodded and said “and bring forth Armageddon.”

“Is anybody else going to have cake?” Cordelia asked and headed to the pool table where the real cake was and headed upstairs.

“I'll take some of that action,” said Xander who then finished the rest of his nachos and grabbed some cake.

Giles shook his head and said “we need to get this out of town. Xander can you teleport this somewhere remote or perhaps into the middle of the ocean?”

“Can’t,” Xander managed to say with a mouthful of German chocolate cake “got stuff to do.” He then went up the stairs as well

Before Giles asked what could be more important than this Miss. Calender said “Angel.”

Buffy looked at the computer teacher with a confused look and said “what?”

Jenny ignored Buffy and said to Angel “You have to do it. You’re the only one that can protect this thing.”

Buffy got a little angry at the teacher and said “what about me?”

Jenny shook her head and said to Buffy “What, you’re just gonna skip town for a few months?”

Buffy put on a confused face looked to Angel and asked “’Months?”

Angel gave her a gentle smile and said “She’s right Buffy. I gotta get this to the remotest region possible.” He took this time to walk up to her.

She looked up into his face with pleading eyes and said “but that’s months.”

“I got to catch a cargo ship to Asia, maybe trek to Nepal…” Angel said with overly dramatic gestures.

Buffy looked at Angel with a little anger and a lot of desperation and said “You know, those newfangled flying machines really are much safer than they used to be.”

Angel shook his head and said “I can’t fly. There’s no sure way to guard against the daylight.” He took this time to meet her eyes and said “I- I don’t like this anymore than you do Buffy. But there’s no other choice.”

“When?” she asked and conceded to his argument.

Angel took a moment to think and stated “Tonight, as soon as possible.”

She looked down at the floor and said “but it’s my birthday.”

Jenny walked over to the two and said “I’ll drive you to the docks.”

Meanwhile in the upper area of the Bronze…

“Jeez dweeb boy,” Cordelia said as she put her top back on “what got you so riled up?”

Xander looked over at her and said “I told you I had a conversation with Death right?”

She thought about it, suddenly became angry and seethingly said “so you decided to have this life affirming experience?”

“No,” he smiled and shook his head “but that is a good reason as well.”

“Then what’s up?” she asked and looked at him feeling a bit confused.

“Well she asked me to do a job,” Xander said with a smirk.

“She who?” Cordelia asked still feeling a bit confused.

“Oh that’s right,” he said and sat in one of the chairs “well when I saw Death she was in the form of a woman.”

“So Death is a girl?” she asked and sat down next to him.

He pictured the goth girl in his head and said “The one I met was.”

She looked at him with a smirk and asked “was she prettier than me?" but then blinked and said "wait what kind of job did she ask you to do?”

Before he could answer Willow and Oz walked into the room. Willow said “there you are Xander; Giles wants to talk to you.”

He looked over to Cordelia and said “duty calls,” and transported himself to where Giles was, and surprised the British man.

“Wha- oh it’s you Xander I have something to ask of you.” Giles said and picked his glasses up from the floor.

“As long as it’s not about the location to my shrine of Kelly Kapowski ,” Xander said and grabbed some more cake.

“Uh no,” he said and moved his beer to a more secure area “I wanted to ask you about your conversation with Death.”

“Ask away G-Man,” Xander replied with a grin.

Giles placed his glasses back on his head and started with the question “did you really talk to Death or is this another of your childish antics?”

Xander frowned and said “I’m pretty sure it was real. If it wasn’t real I couldn’t have tied Angel’s legs together, so I’m going to say that it was real.”

Giles mulled that over in his head and said “all right what did you all talk about then?”

Xander rolled his eyes and thought about it for a little bit and replied with “Well I don’t feel like doing that much expository dialogue so let’s end the chapter here, and I’ll explain it to you then off panel.”


Hey don't look at me that way. While you were thinking about the Golden Girls I was thinking of some hot Bayside action.

P.S. I don't own Saved by the Bell but I do own a VHS that has some episodes on it.

The End?

The author is currently looking for one or more beta readers for this story. If you are interested, please email the author or leave a private review.

You have reached the end of "Enter the Merc" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 16 May 10.

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