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Things that have never happened on BtVS

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Summary: 14 things that have never happened on BtVS. No pairings. A slight crossover with the Greek mythos. Now with extra chapters!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Miscellaneous > Myths & LegendsDmitriFR1377,023076,84421 Mar 0928 Feb 11No

#3 extened - no lycanthropes other than Oz

There were no lycanthropes other than Oz

Disclaimer: Almost none of the characters are mine, but belong to Joss Whedon and co.

“...All that I am saying is that there were dozens of other guys out there at the construction site at Gus’s grave but I am the one who ended up cursed!” Xander complained loudly at the Summers’ family’s Thanksgiving table. Even more unfortunately, he chose to complain to Spike who was hardly sympathetic to his plight.

“Here,” the blonde vampire said flatly, “have some honey mustard lest your situation becomes too unbearable.”

Xander roared and shifted into his ursine form as he whirled onto Spike. The chipped vampire, unable to harm humans, was just as eager to take on the new werebear in a wrestling match, and the two began to roll around the dining rooms.

“Enough!” Buffy pulled the two wrestlers apart, her irritation compensating for the gap in strength between her and the two men. “Seriously, Xander, stop jumping onto Spike whenever he says something typical of him, and Spike, stop getting Xander into those situations. Seriously, do you enjoy in him getting the upper hand over you all the time?”

To everybody’s uneasy surprise, Spike appeared to be seriously thinking over Buffy’s more rhetorical question. “Well, I don’t know,” he finally admitted. “Between Rupes’ musings about his messed-up love life and my own lack of any since Drusilla left me... I am really scared about thinking an answer to your question, you know?”

There was a pause, and then Xander went pale and fled into Summers’ family’s bathroom. “Xander!” Buffy yelled, almost shrilly, and then whirled to Giles. “And why exactly where you bonding with Spike over your love lives?”

“We weren’t,” Giles looked faintly ill. “He actually brought it on first, when he began to discuss his life with Drusilla-“

“Lies! You asked me about it for your paper for the Watchers Council or whatever!” Spike yelled back.

Slowly, Buffy’s face began to turn red. “You!” she spoke to both men and neither. “You! And Xander – what’s that smell?”

“That’s him exactly,” Anya said sagely. “The bears, when they are scared, tend to have the runs, and-“

“Okay, new plan,” Buffy said, snarling. “First, I get a plunger and run it up Xander’s ass-“

It was at that moment that Xander appeared back on the scene, now pursued by the ghost of Gus, who was firing arrows at Xander’s backside. Something snapped in Buffy, and snapping off a leg of a chair, she began to whale it at the Amerindian, yelling something indescribable, full of sound and fury, clarifying nothing.

“Ah, the power of a woman,” Anya said a trifle wistfully, “now I remember why I never bothered the Vampire Slayers – I liked them. If I knew that Buffy was the Vampire Slayer back when I granted Cordelia’s wish, I wouldn’t have granted it instead.”

“Sure, and the fact that that wish cost you your demony powers doesn’t mean anything to you either,” Willow said sceptically, and then she paused. “Shouldn’t we help Buffy instead?”

At the same time as Willow asked this, Buffy yelled something along the lines of, “and you can go back from where you came!” and run the ghost through with the chair’s leg. There was a sudden clap of thunder, a sharp smell of ozone, and the ghost vanished... simultaneously with Xander returning to normal.

“Xander! You’re normal!” Willow exclaimed happily, and then frowned. “You are normal, right?”

“He smells as a regular human,” Spike shrugged, “guess the curse is over.”

“Hah, too bad – no more wrestling with me, Spike,” Xander said smugly.

“Why – you’re going to miss it?” Spike said, dryly.

“No!” Xander blanched, and sat down on the nearby chair. Unfortunately, that chair was missing a leg, which was driven into the floor, where Buffy had slayed Gus. Consequently, Xander abruptly fell onto the floor with a loud thump, causing Spike to laugh some more.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something to Spike, to warn or to threaten him, but then she smelled once the smells from the bathroom and closing her mouth shut instead.

“...Everybody out,” she finally said. “This Thanksgiving is cancelled, okay? I have reached my limit today, and if you won’t co-operate, then you better leave. And Anya? That’s not a rhetorical statement.”

“Just what I wanted to know,” Anya nodded and looked at the others. “Well, do we take Buffy on her statement or what?”

To be continued?
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