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Harry Potter and the Random Hufflepuff

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Summary: Started off as a Valentine's Day challange for the AUHPS (now disbanded:

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS StoriesIrnBruOrDeathFR1343,466032,20228 Mar 0916 Jun 09No

I shall now entertain you with song!

AN: My muse is on crack. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

(“ blahblah”) indicates singing in unison. And um…..this is my first attempt at a song-fic type thing.

Severus Snape was determined that all his early morning focus would remain on his second mug of coffee. It would not under any circumstances be spared for one second on the lunatic pie-eyed werewolf to his right. No, he would enjoy his customary three cups and then retrea…. Make his way to his private lab to continue some pressing experimentation. Or research. Or anything that wouldn’t be classed as hiding behind his wards out of reach of the lecherous lycanthrope. Which he most definitely wouldn’t be doing.

“Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes!”

Was that Draco? Yes it was, standing on the Slytherin table singing at the top of his lungs.

“Dies Irae - Dies Illa.” Zabini and Nott intoned from their seats behind the clearly demented Prince of Slytherin.

“Here she LIEEEEEEES!”

(Kyrie Eleison Yitgadal V' Yitkadash)

“No one knew her worth!

The late, great daughter of Mother Earth.

On these nights when we celebrate the birth…

In that little town of Bethlehem

We raise our glass…” And sure enough the blonde lifted a goblet high in the air as Pansy hopped up beside him with her back to the rest of the hall. “You bet your ASS!” Draco continued as Pansy promptly exposed herself to the gob smacked watchers. The action accented by Dumbledore sputtering his lemon tea all down his beard in shock.

“La vieeeee Boooo- heme!” Draco carolled before tossing back his drink as Pansy flipped her skirt back down and demurely returned to her seat. And then the entire table was on their feet. Singing in chorus.

(“La Vie Boheme

La Vie Boheme

La Vie Boheme

La Vie Boheme”)

Draco began to strut down the table. His singing suddenly rapid.

“To days of inspiration,

Playing hookey, making something

Out of nothing, the need

To express-

To communicate,

To going against the grain,

Going insane,

Going maaaaaaaad!

To loving tension, no pension

To more than one dimension,

To starving for attention,

Hating convention, hating pretension,

Not to mention of course,

Hating dear old mom and daaaaaaaaaad!

To riding your bike

Midday past the three piece suits-

To fruits- To no absolutes-

To Absolut- To choice-

To the Village Voice-

To any passing FAD!”


“To being an us- For once-

Instead of a them-”

(“La Vie Boheme!

La Vie Boheme!”)

Suddenly Weasley was running up the length of the tables with a scroll and quill in hand.

“So that's five miso soup,

Four seaweed salad

Three soy burger dinner,

Two tofu dog platter

And one pasta with meatless balls!”

There was a pause during which someone in the direction of Ravenclaw piped up. “Ewww!”

Zabini leered at them all. “It tastes the same.”

Pansy smirked. “If you close your eyes!”

Weasley continued as if the interruption had never occurred. “And thirteen orders of fries

Is that it here?”

(“Wine and beer!”)

As Weasley suddenly fled from sight. Luna and Kelsey jumped atop the Ravenclaw table, Snape should have known the demented Hufflepuff was involved in this somehow. The girls pranced from either end of the table. Before meeting in the middle and performing some kind of dance.

“To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries

To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese

To leather, to dildos, To curry Vindaloo

To Huevos Rancheros and Maya Angelou!”

Zabini twirled Pansy across the floor. As the both sang.

“Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion,

Creation, Vacation-”

Draco popped up again. “Mucho masturbation!”

“Compassion, to fashion, to passion

When it's new”

Zabini suddenly cried out “To Sontag!”

Lovegood leapt into the Slytherin’s arms carolling back. “To Sondheim!”

(“To anything taboo”)

As Luna skipped away as other students bagan to join in the dancing. Potter flung an arm round Zabini’s shoulders as they intoned. “Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage!”

“Lenny Bruce!” Zabini grinned pointing to Potter.

“Langston Hughes!” Potter retorted pointing back.

“To the stage!” Lovegood called draping herself over a suit of armour.

“To Uta!” another voice.

“To Buddha!” Trelawney shrieked bouncing to her feet.

(“Pablo Neruda, TOOOOOOOOOOO!”) The entire student population seemed to be getting in on the farce.

Draco and Kelsey jumped onto the teacher’s table. With their hands in the air. “Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow. To blow off Auntie EM!!”

(“La Vie Boheme!”)

Weasley, Parkinson, Zabini, Lovegood and Potter all joined Draco and Kelsey on the table, flailing and dancing about. Much to Severus’ own horror Dumbledore and McGonagall had now joined in, dancing some variation of the tango. Hagrid was jiving with Trelawney and Hooch while the rest of the faculty stamped their feet and clapped their hands to the beat of the song. The entire world had gone mad!

“Bisexuals, trisexuals, Homo Sapiens,

Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men,

Pee Wee Herman

German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein

Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa

Carmina Burana”

(“To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy

Vaclav Havel- The Sex Pistols, 8BC

To no shame- Never playing the fame game”)

Lupin even got into the act. “To marijuana!”

(“To sodomy

It's between God and me

To S & M!”)

(“La Vie Boheeeeeeeeeeeeme!”)

Zabini moved forward. “In honor of the death of Bohemia an impromptu salon will commence immediately following dinner…” Reaching out a hand he grabbed Lovegood by the hand

To twirl her into his chest. “Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the eleventh street lot, will sing Native American

tribal chants backwards through her vocoder, while accompanying herself on the electric cello- Which she aint never studied!”

They all leapt from the table Potter laid a hand on Draco’s shoulder. “And Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on high holy days.”

Draco sneered at Potter before turning and pointing to Kelsey who was still on the table. The girl tossed her hair and laughed as she gyrated across the length of the table.

“And Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred!”

Turning again Draco leaned one hand on the table and grinned at Severus who arched a brow. “And Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song.”

Severus refused to aid and abet this madness.

Draco paled slightly under the growl as he swiftly turned away. “That doesn't remind us of 'Musetta's

Waltz' “

Zabini ducked under Hooch’s feet as Hagrid pulled the witch through a particularly enthusiastic spin. Before grabbing Trelawney and pushing her forward. “Angel Dumott Schunard will model the latest fall fashions from Paris while accompanying herself on the 10-gallon plastic

pickle tub.”

Trelawney giggled shrilly and pulled Zabini back in front of herself. “And Collins will recount his exploits as an Anarchist- Including the tale of

his successful reprogramming of the

MIT virtual reality equipment to self-destruct as it broadcasts the words:”

(“'Actual Reality - Act Up - Fight AIDS!'“)

The Hufflepuff table hooted and cheered as Kelsey leapt onto her own houses table. “To DANCE!” The badgers roared.

“No way to make a living, masochism, pain, perfection, muscle spasms, chiropractors, short careers, eating DISORDERS!” The girl chanted dancing amongst the now forgotten breakfast platters.

Draco hopped onto the Slytherin table as his house mates yelled. “To FILM!”

“Enter tedium, no family, boring locations, darkrooms, perfect faces, egos, Hollywood and SLEAZE!”

“MUSIC!” The Gryffindors bellowed announcing Potter’s turn.

“Full of love, emotion, mathematics, isolation, rhythm, power, harmony and heavy CONVERSATIONS!”

“ANARCHY!” Ravenclaw next, with Zabini and Lovegood on either end.

“Revolution, justice screaming for solutions, forcing changes, facing dangers, making noise and making FREE!”

(“To Faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross dressers too!”)

“TO ME!” Kelsey yelled.

“TO ME!” Potter roared back.

(“To me and you and you, you, you and YOU!”

To people living with, living with, not dying from disease!

La Vie Boheeeeeeeeme!


And that was the last Snape heard as he finally managed to slip out the door and walked briskly to his chambers.

He was beginning to think he had joined the wrong side ion this war. At least Voldemort didn’t sing!

AN2: The song of course is La Vie Boheme from the musical RENT.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Harry Potter and the Random Hufflepuff" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 16 Jun 09.

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