Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or plot points recognisable as those belonging to JK Rowling in regards to her Harry potter franchise. I earn no money from this.
Harry James Potter was going to throttle his two best friends. Azkaban or no Azkaban! The Boy-Who-Lived, fore-told doom of Voldemort and Saviour of the Wizarding World was going to beat the pair with a Golden Snidget until they bled Quaffles!
Just because it was Valentines Day didn’t mean Hermione and Ron had to be so relentlessly in love. Harry hated how this ridiculous holiday made couples so….couple-y! It was nothing more than an over commercialized invention of the card making companies! And it made people who were NOT part of a couple feel bad!!
People like Harry.
“A’ right Harry?” A sudden cherry voice interrupted his sulk…..err, heavy thinking session. Harry looked up from his inspection of his goblet as the speaker sprawled in the chair next to him.
“Kelsey.” He nodded to the Hufflepuff Chaser before dropping his eyes once more se he didn’t have to look to long at the great hall. All crepe paper hearts and confetti. And the irritating ‘rain of roses’ from the enchanted ceiling.
“Y’know Harry, yarely shouldnae blabber on so. Let a girl get a word in edgewise why don’ ye!” The brunette snarked before blue eyes widened to anime proportions as she noticed the performance of Hermione and Ron across the table. “INNENAME!! Potter, izzit jus’ me? Or is there a pair o’ octopi mating across the way?”
“Frightening isn’t it?”
“Almost as frightening as the looks Trelawney’s givin’ ‘He Who Is All That Is Potions’ up the way!” Kelsey replied absently, still staring at the entwined Gryffindors.
Harry looked with sympathy to the head table where Professor Snape could be seen trying to fend of an amorous, sherry soaked Seer.
“I hate Valentines Day!” He grumped.
“Aw C’mon! ‘Snot that bad!”
“NAH! Don’t those two need to breathe? F’r instance. Y’could be getting a special Valentine from ol’ Moldy warts. Something along the lines of ‘I love you. Now please die.’”
“Har-Har! It is to laugh!”
“Honestly Harry!” Came from across the table. “Kelsey’s right. It’s just another day.”
“Don’ speak with yer mouth full, Granger.” Kelsey sneered and rolled her eyes before turning back to Harry. “Harry there’s only one sure way of combating the Valentine Doldrums!” she declared officiously, pointing a finger in the air.
“And I suppose you are the keeper of this most wondrous of secrets?” He snarked back. E couldn’t wait to hear this!
“Sure! It’s tattooed on the opposite arse cheek from my ‘I HEART DeathMunchers’ tattoo!” Harry was glad he wasn’t sitting across from Neville, who had just hosed poor Seamus down with pumpkin juice on catching the last announcement. “Squite simple really. Ye just mock the people who are the most lovey-dovey!” Kelsey finished blithely.
Harry suddenly found himself with an armful of Hufflepuff as she flung herself across his lap and cried…
“Oh RONALD! You great Hunk of Gryffindor manhood you! How did I ever attract such a man as you?” A hand pressed to a dramatically contorted brow. “To think! All that time I spent in the library reading ‘Hogwarts: A History’, when all along I could have been wrapped in your manly keeper-ish arms! Can you EVER forgive my blind ignorance, my love?!”
Snickers could be heard through out the Great Hall as everyone stopped what they were doing to watch the show.
“Oh HERMIONE!” Harry cried, clutching her closer. “How could I not forgive you? YOU! The light of my life! The spring in my step! Witch of witches! I’m NOTHING without you, Pumpkin Eyes!”
“Oh Muffin Lips!” ‘Hermione’ quivered with emotion. Or repressed laughter. “ Tell me, my red-headed Romeo! Speak the words my House Elf Campaigning heart longs to hear. Cry out for all to hear why THIS Weasley is my KING!”
Oh, me love you long time-y!
You make grown Wizards say ‘blimey’
Because your arse is so fine-y.
Up your staircase I yearn to climb-y
Without your love I’d be quite whiney
You make me glad to be a limey.
You’d love a book even if it was slimy
And when you read your eyes get shiny
That’s why I’ll always love my Hermione!”
“Oh RONALD!!” I completely renounce the library! Henceforth, you and only you shall be the sole focus of my overloaded, blabber mouthed, know-it-all brain!”
“HERMIONE! I adore you, my bushy haired temptress!”
“ And I WUV you! My lion housed lothario!”
“Bloody Hell, mate. We’re not THAT bad!”