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The Palest F#*%ing Slayer, Ever

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Slayers that Never Were... Thank God". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: The family that slays together stays together. (Yes, I did steal that line from "The Venture Brothers," but they aren't in this story.)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Addams' Family, The(Past Donor)vinniebatmanFR1519723294,8431 Apr 091 Apr 09Yes
Title:The Palest F#*%ing Slayer, Ever

Author: vinniebatman

Fandom: BtVS/The Addams Family

Rating/Warnings: This one is teen.

Spoilers: Through BtVS, Season 7, and the first two Addams Family movies.

Disclaimer: I so totally own these shows. Bow Down! *Doctor's Note: Patient exhibits delusions of grandeur and any claims of ownership are pure fantasy. No harm is meant. Seriously, it's better than her throwing rocks at people.*

* * * * * * * * * *
The vampire shoved Sarah against a tree. She hit hard, her head ricocheting off of the surface. The vampire, looking like a twisted, nightmarish version of one of those High School Musical kids her daughter was in love with, grabbed Sarah's hair and roughly jerked her head to the side. She battered it with her fists, but that only seemed to amuse the creature.

"You know, it's rude to bite someone without their permission," a voice intoned. At the moment, Sarah saw a hand tap the vampire's shoulder.

The vampire paused, a confused look on his face before turning to look at the hand... which was attached to nothing. The vampire shrieked, slapping at the hand while jumping and flailing. Once he'd moved, Sarah could make out the sight of a young woman, in her mid to late teens, standing there. She was odd... pale with long black hair pulled into braids. Sarah's gaze fell on the large broadsword the girl carried.

The hand jumped away from the body, giving the vampire a moment to regain his composure. "Good, now I have dinner and desert," he snarled, glowering at the girl.

"No, I'm not desert. I'm Wednesday, a Vampire Slayer," she corrected.

This phrase registered with the vampire, his eyes widening in fear. Turning away, he began to run. But before he could get more than two feet away, there was a noise, a "thwang", followed by the vampire collapsing and screaming. A young man dressed in a striped shirt walked up, a crossbow resting on his shoulder.

"You missed, Pugsly," Wednesday intoned.

"No I didn't. I just wanted to see if damaging a joint would slow it down," he shot back, glaring. Wednesday merely raised an eyebrow.

"Excellent shot, son!" a man called. The oddness of Sarah's night increased as she turned around to see a man in a pinstriped suit, smoking a cigar and carrying a mace while a woman in a form-fitting black mermaid dress walked beside him, a black parasol opened over her head.

"Thanks, Dad."


The couple walked forward, the man extending his hand. "Gomez Addams, good to meet you!"

Sarah simply stared at the offered hand in shock. Gomez shrugged, then turned.

"And this is my wife, Morticia, and our children, Wednesday and Pugsly," he said, proudly introducing them as the bodiless hand crawled up his body. "Oh, and this is my dear old friend, Thing. And you are?"

"Sarah Morris. What's going on?" Sarah asked. She looked up and grimaced as Wednesday lifted the vampire to his knees and beheaded it, the body and head falling away to dust. Gomez's eyes lit up with pride and mania.

"Well, as it turns out, our daughter is part of a proud legacy of vampire slayers, a noble calling that pits her against the demons and vampires that just don't follow etiquette."

"Etiquette?" Sarah echoed.

"Yes, the Addams are very much a live and let live group. And while we have no problem with vampires or demons in theory, we really must object to those that would forcefully take blood or kill people without permission," Morticia explained. "That's just rude."

"Yes, proper manners must be vigilantly maintained, especially with the appalling lack of decorum in today's world," Gomez added.

"So you're here to protect her?" Sarah asked, vaguely waving in Wednesday's general direction.

"Oh goodness no! Wednesday killed her first vampire when she five, before she was a Slayer," Gomez said. "The impolite ruffian wanted her blood, but he didn't even bother to ask! No no, our girl is quite capable of defending herself. But we feel that family is cornerstone of any civilization, and the family that slays together, stays together. Besides, we can't let her have all the fun."

"So if the vampire had asked, she would have given him blood?" Sarah asked. Her head was practically spinning.

"Yes, our family is quite fond of supporting charities. All they need to do was ask," Morticia said. She paused and frowned. "Pugsly, where are Fester and Grandmama?"

"Oh, Grandmama wanted to collect some of the mucus of the Fyarl demon Wednesday beheaded, and Uncle Fester volunteered to dispose of the body," Pugsly explained. Somewhere deep in the park, a loud explosion sounded.

"I guess they're finished," Pugsly said, shrugging.

"Now my dear lady, what are you doing out so late without so much as a stake or flame-thrower for protection?" Gomez asked.

"I, I was late picking my daughter up from her friend's house, so I cut through the park. My car is in the shop," Sarah muttered.

"Ah, very good parenting, except for almost getting killed and possibly leading your child into a vampire habitat. You always need to make sure you children are safe from all the scurrilous fiends out there. Well, at least until they master a few medieval weapons," Gomez said. He turned and yelled into the shadows, "Lurch!"

Twenty minutes ago, Sarah would have been shocked at the sight of a pale giant emerging from the shadows while carrying an enormous battle axe. But now? Not even a blip on the radar.

"Lurch, could you please drive Ms. Morris wherever she needs to go? She's running late for her rendezvous," Morticia said, smiling. Lurch groaned and nodded.

"Tish! That's French!" Gomez cried. He haphazardly tossed his mace over his shoulder, then grabbed his wife's hand and began pressing fervent kisses to her skin.

Sarah could only watch, horrified, as Mr. and Mrs. Addams began to... writhe against one another before falling to the ground. Lurched groaned again, then turned away and began walking out of the park. Wednesday and Pugsly trailed after him.

"Let's leave," Wednesday said, calling to Sarah over her shoulder. "I don't think you want to see my parents having sex."

The End

You have reached the end of "The Palest F#*%ing Slayer, Ever". This story is complete.

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