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How to Pick Up a God

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Story

Summary: When a man unexpectedly drops out of a portal within Wolfram & Hart, he won't stop hitting on Illyria. She decides to hit back.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Dr. Who/Torchwood > Fred/Illyria-CenteredIgnotusFR1512,6254173,46621 Apr 0921 Apr 09Yes
Notes: You’ll notice that this story plays up certain aspects of the characters and that a few things might be overly done in the portrayals. It's all in the name of good writing of course.

Note, 1 Aug 2010: Fixed a few things here and there. Tidied up in general. A big thank you to whomever nominated this story for Best Doctor Who/Torchwood Crossover.

Timeline: Angel, just after the season five episode, "The Girl in Question". Torchwood, no specific time-frame, but for the sake of argument, late season one to early season two.

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights nor do I have any type of permission from the wonderful people who do. Angel is the property of Joss Whedon. Torchwood, the BBC.



Captain Jack Harkness, former conman, current Head of Torchwood 3 located in Cardiff, walked along the waterfront after a long day full excitement, intrigue, and extraordinary danger. In other words, an average Tuesday.

He had recently taken to walking around Cardiff in an effort to sort through his thoughts. Previously an introspective contemplation alone in his office, occasionally with a nice drink, served that purpose. But when the others grew tired of his introspection (though they called it ‘brooding’; honestly, he did not brood), he decided to take a more scenic route. Actually, he had come to prefer the aimless walking to sitting cooped up in his office alone. Though at times his office did have its own appeal, especially when Ianto would stay late—

What the hell was that?

Jack turned to the rundown building across the street. He stared at the open doorway where he could've sworn he had seen something decidedly inhuman disappear through. It had been big; and looked like the unfortunate love-child of a yeti and a Weevil.

Sighing, Jack pulled out his mobile and called his team. Telling them in few words his position and situation, Jack disconnected the call and started following the creature. As he reached the door, he drew his gun.

Jack slowly worked his way further into the decrepit building. There was something happening inside. There was a feeling in the air akin to a build up of static, like just before a really violent thunderstorm. He was following noises coming from a room in the rear when he saw a flash of bluish light come from up the same room.

Running down the hallway quickly, he whipped through the doorway and into the room, gun raised. What he saw when he got there wasn’t the most welcome sight. Hanging in the centre of the room was what looked like a physical tear in the air. An electric blue fringe ran around the edge and bolts of energy crackled and sputtered. The thing that opened it stared at him in surprise for a moment, completely frozen in its tracks.

Jack stared back, wondering just what this creature was trying to do with his rift. The creature moved quickly. It lunged for Jack who dove to the side. He raised his gun once more.

“Stop, or I’ll shoot!” he shouted.

The warning didn’t phase the creature in the least for it lunged at him again. Jack jumped to the side once more, but one of the creatures massive arms caught him in his stomach and sent him careening towards the rift in the air.

He missed it by inches and fell to the floor. Regaining his footing quickly, he turned to the creature and fired six successive shots into its chest where most humanoid species would have their heart or other vital organs. The creature stopped and peered down at its wounds in shock. It then collapsed to the floor. A bilious yellow liquid, the creatures blood, began seeped out from under the body.

Jack turned sharply as he heard a crack. The portal wavered. It shrank in size partially, but the tendrils of energy crackling around the edge flew through the air more violently than before. One bolt of energy barely missed Jack’s head. Another scorched the opposite wall. Realising that the portal was about to collapse — most likely explosively — Jack stumbled backwards and made for the door.

Only to slip on the pus-like substance now coating the floor around the alien body. He flailed for a moment, overcompensating in his attempts to stay upright and fell forward, toward the rift. Another tendril of energy shot out of the portal and struck him in the chest. He closed his eyes to the expected pain. And then opened them again when there wasn’t any. He looked down and saw the tendril had wrapped around his body. With a tug, the tendril pulled him into the rift.

* * * * *

“I don't care how far he's coming from. Harmony, I'm busy. Reschedule the meeting.” Angel slammed the phone down in annoyance at Harmony's interruption. He sat back in his chair and stared across his desk.

Wesley stared back. The two were trying to discuss the issues they had been having lately involving Illyria. Along with the erasing and fabrication of memories concerning Angel’s son, Conner. Wesley wasn’t very happy. Both with the situation regarding Conner and the most recent situation of Fred's visiting parents. He didn’t really know how he stayed together through the time Illyria played at being Fred.

The weren't letting anything interrupt them.

There was a loud bang, followed by a shout of, “Bloody effing hell!”

Angel stood up from the desk in surprise at the noises from outside his office. Sharing a look with Wesley, the two moved to the door. They arrived in time to see Spike a few feet away from Harmony's desk, staring at a point roughly twenty feet above the floor in the centre of the reception area.

“What the Hell is that?” Spike had to shout over the noise of the portal to be heard.

“It’s a portal,” Wesley replied.

Spike shot him a look. “I know what it is you sod, it just surprised me.”

“Will you two save it for later!” Angel yelled over the sound of crackling energy.

Spike was distracted from making any sort of sarcastic reply by a man falling through the portal. He landed face down on the floor, quite hard if the thump was anything to go by. The portal promptly disappeared after depositing its traveller.

“Damn that hurt,” the man said as he sat up.

He slowly stood up and suddenly noticed the attention the room was paying him.

Angel regained his composure quickly. “Who are you and what are you doing here?”

The man froze. He wasn’t looking at Angel though. He was staring at Spike in shock.

“John?” he asked.

Spike blinked. “What? The name’s Spike.”

The man frowned and then looked Spike up and down. “No, you’re not him. Sure look a lot like him though.”

“Right.” Spike edged away from the man.

The man suddenly smiled and turned to Angel. He walked up to him, stuck out his hand and introduced himself, “Captain Jack Harkness. And you are?”

“Angel. Now what the Hell are you doing here?”

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Harkness replied. He looked around at the people who had gone back to their business, but were still shooting him glances. “Could we move this some place more private?”

“Fine,” Angel replied. “Wesley, Spike.”

The other two followed them into Angel's office, Spike bringing up the rear.

Harkness looked around the inside of the office and then looked out the expansive set of windows. He turned back to the room at large, frowned, and then put his hands on his hips and arched backwards until a large pop was plainly heard throughout the room.

“That fall did nothing good for my back,” he said. “I could definitely use a drink if you have something appropriate?”

Angel stared at him coolly. “How about we get back to the ‘who are you and what are you doing here’ part?”

Spike snorted from near the door. “Don’t be so inconsiderate, gel-boy, I know you have a bottle of Jameson’s in the bottom-right drawer.”

Angel stared daggers at Spike. “I take it you’ve been going through my desk again?”

“Listen, I didn’t mean to cause a lovers spat,” Harkness interrupted jokingly, “and now that he mentions it, you did over do the hair gel a bit today,” he said the last to Angel.

As Spike laughed, letting the ‘lovers spat’ comment go for the moment, one of Angel’s hands reflexively went to his hair. “There is nothing wrong with my hair. Besides, I haven’t used gel in a long time.”

“Well, all right. But his hair,” Harkness gestured to Spike, “that’s a good styling, he pulls the gel off well. And his hair,” he pointed to Wesley. He paused for a moment before he gestured back to Spike. “well… as I said, he has good styling.”

“Man, I don’t care who you are or even if you’re evil, but for that, I’ll buy you a drink,” said Spike, grinning ear to ear. Angel glared at the pair while a frowning Wesley ran a hand through his hair. .

“Wow, been here five minutes and I already have a date. I hope that won’t cause any problems between you two.” Harkness smirked, looking from Spike to Angel.

Spike just stared dumbly at him. “What? Oh bloody hell, I’m not gay!”

Harkness sighed theatrically. “Ah well, probably for the best. You look too much like an ex of mine for comfort anyway.” He looked Spike up and down. “Though I am curious just how far that resemblance goes.”

“Uh, right. Should I be flattered or seriously disconcerted by all that?”

“Probably both,” Harkness replied honestly.

“Hello…” He pushed past Spike and walked to the door which had just open to reveal Illyria, looking like Fred. “Hi there. I’m Captain Jack Harkness. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He took her hand and kissed the back of it.

Angel allowed a small smirk thinking about how Illyria would respond to the annoying man. But to his surprise, she actually smiled and blushed.

“Well, the pleasure is all mine,” she replied with Fred’s Texan accent.

Angel looked to Wesley and could plainly see the anger and pain on his face.

“Illyria.” Wesley gritted his teeth. “I’ve told you not to take that form.”

All expression dropped from her face. She looked over to Wesley and replied in a cold, flat, tone, “Very well.”

The sun-dress that was one of Fred’s trademark pieces of apparel, shifted suddenly; reforming into Illyria's natural armoured exterior. Harkness appeared to not be the least bit phased. If anything, he looked more interested.

“Well now, I must say your natural form is quite nice. Illyria, is it?” he said.

“Yes,” she answered. “However, I find this shell to be woefully inadequate.”

“You know, since you’re apparently stuck with this ‘shell’, you may as well take full advantage of the perks,” he said suggestively.

“I would kill you where you stand if not for their constant harassment about me doing such things.”

Angel snorted and mumbled. “Not liked I’d care with this guy.”

Apparently, Illyria’s hearing was very good. She looked towards Angel and then, taking his words as an assent, brought her arm up quickly, backhanding Captain Jack Harkness. He crashed through the double doors behind him and into the conference room beyond. Angel, Spike and Wesley all rushed to the shattered doors to check on their unknown guest. Before they even got halfway across the room, Harkness stumbled over the wrecked doors back into the room, sporting a bloody lip and a smile.

“Now that’s a punch,” he said.

He ran towards Illyria, bent low, and tackled her, sending them both crashing through the glass wall separating Angel’s office from the reception area.

Not to be out done, Illyria recovered quickly and grabbed the still floor bound Harkness by his leg and swung him up, around, and let him loose. He flew through another of the glass panels, back into the office, and continued on right into Angel’s desk which collapsed from the force.

“Ah, crap, I just replaced that desk,” Angel muttered.

Illyria entered and looked to the still, and seemingly dead, body on the floor. The others were cautiously approaching the body to check the validity of that when he groaned and rolled on to his back. Shaking his head, he got to his feet. He swayed for a moment before steadying. Seeing Illyria, he grinned and once again charged her.

Prepared this time, she spun and kicked, catching him in his side and throwing him out into the main area again. She stalked after him. He stood up once more and waited for her. When she was within reach, he lashed out with a punch that connected with her cheek. Her head barely moved. He punched her again. Nose. Chin. Stomach. She stood her ground as he threw punch after punch at her. After a few moments, he stopped and glanced at his bloodied knuckles. When he looked up again, she reached back and let loose a punch to his chest.

The entire room was treated to the sound of multiple ribs breaking as he was thrown backwards from the force of the punch. He flew straight into the elevator that had just deposited two Grivnik demons into reception. The doors closed with a ding, hiding the bloodied and battered form from view. After a few seconds of silence, another ding on the upper level signalled the arrival of the elevator there.

The doors opened.

Harkness shot out of the elevator as the doors opened. He jumped over the balcony railing, aiming straight for Illyria, who motionlessly watched him. At the last moment, her leg came up in a roundhouse kick, catching him in mid-air, sending him right into Harmony’s desk which exploded in a shower of wood debris and paperwork. The vampires around dove every which way to avoid the various bits of flying wood.

Recovery for Harkness was slow. He got up sluggishly, turning his neck this way and that with an accompanying crunching sound. He shrugged his shoulders to loosen them up. Grabbing a length of wood from the now broken desk, he sauntered over to Illyria. He swung the makeshift bat at her, connecting with her ribcage.

She didn’t flinch.

She grabbed the plank as it came at her again and pulled it out of his hands. Left with nothing else, he tackled her once more, sending the both of them to the ground. He held her arms to her side as he straddled her. Illyria glanced down at the arms pinning her and, with no apparent effort, flipped them over. Their positions reversed, it was her turn to stare down at him from her resting place on his stomach.

“Now, I’m all for foreplay, but if we keep this up we’ll destroy the place.” He smirked up at her.

To all the witnesses surprise, Illyria stood up and started to walk away.

“Hey, where’re you going?” He sat up and actually pouted. “I thought we were just getting started.”

She stopped and turned. Angel could have sworn he saw a faint smile on her lips, but only for an instant. “These surroundings are ill equipped to handle further activity. This shells apartment will be more suitable.”

“Well then, let’s go.” He got up and started to follow her. He stopped and quickly turned to Spike. “Sorry. Looks like I’ll need to cancel our date.”

Angel and Spike stood there shocked.

“Did she mean what I think she meant?” Spike finally asked.

“I have no idea, and I’m not sure I even want to know,” Angel replied. He glared at the two retreating backs. “Who the hell is this guy anyway?”



End Notes: Now, I'm in something of a quandary. For the moment, I have this marked complete so it can end here as a (hopefully) humorous one-shot. But I'm also wondering if it can be continued. If I did, it wouldn't be for a long while (I prefer to keep my on-going stories to a minimum), but I'm wondering if anyone can see, or would like to see, this continued in the future because really this is all I have as of this moment. Never mind, quandary solved.

The End

You have reached the end of "How to Pick Up a God". This story is complete.

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