Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Buffy and the gang belong to Joss Whedon. The Simpsons belong to Matt Groening and FOX. Stargate belongs to MGM.
*Private mental conversations*
**Private mental conversations with two people.**
***Private mental conversations with three people.***
Xander had everything just right. Snacks on the left, drinks on the right. He was all set for The Simpson marathon. He'd been dreaming about this, all day. A construction foreman's job was never done until the clock hit five P.M. then, it's every man and Trudy, the only woman on the team for him or in Trudy's case herself.
Anya was still at the Magic Box. Giles was taking inventory. She wasn't going to be around until much later. This, he did for himself. He deserved this. He worked hard and he was going to become the perfect couch potato.
He popped open the tab on his can of Mountain Dew and settled in for the night. The first few hours were glorious. He could so be Bart Simpson. That was the life. One caring parent, the other not too violent. Sisters he could play and fight with. The perfect slacker life at school. Most importantly, no hellmouth. Just the occasional Halloween special. What more could anyone ask for?
At eight, Anya walked in the door. She was complaining about Giles, her feet, Giles, taking inventory was the only highlight of the day. She loved making sure that the money was put away properly. Then she complained about the Giles the task master, Giles the slave driver and so on...
"Xander are you even listening?"
"Wha'? Anya, yeah sure Giles, right?"
"Right! He was so unreasonable." she went on to complain some more. Xander only listened with half an ear and that mostly due to his survival instincts kicking in. Something told him that he should at least pretend to be interested, even if she was interrupting The Simpsons marathon.
The first clue he had that he wasn't paying attention was the orange thrown to the back of the head. Anya was screaming at him. How the heck did he miss that.
"Xander I demand that you give me orgasms right now. I've had a very hard day. All you're doing is watching that obnoxious yellow four fingered child, being rude to his elders. Turn it off this minute and service my needs." she demanded.
For some reason Xander's survival instincts short circuited, he totally missed all the danger signs. He tried to save his bacon. "Sorry, sorry I'm your devoted slave." he said, bowing before her feet.
"Really? you're going to ditch the obnoxious yellow child for me. Very well, but there had better be a lot of orgasms." she demanded.
'Dodged the bullet on that one.' he thought. What he said, was something else. "Bart's ok, he's not that obnoxious."
"Oh so you're saying you prefer to spend your time with the yellow child than with me. How selfish can you be? If your watching the obnoxious, then you are not attending to my needs. How selfish can you be?" she asked.
"Ah come on Ahn. There's no harm in watching a little television. It's just The Simpsons." Xander defended himself and forgot the first rule in his relationship. When Anya is on the warpath for orgasms she's always right and he's always wrong. That way he can have lots and lots of sex. For some reason he just wasn't firing with all cylinders.
"Oh so that's it. You prefer to spend your time with with The Simpsons and not me. Well I WISH that you can spend all your time with The Simpsons. In fact I WISH that you and all your possessions and all your friends become one with The Simpsons." she said in anger.
"WISH granted." said a female voice.
"OH NO! I didn't mean it. Take it back." Anya shouted. She realized what she just done and who did it. What she didn't know was why it was done.
For Bart Simpson the day was nice and sunny. He had just finished firing a machine gun at a target down the range. This Military school was the bomb. At first he was against the idea, but after putting up with a little B.S. here and there, with a small lie or two, this was the best school he ever went to. Too bad Lisa had to stick her big butt and horn her way in.
In a few days they would go thorough the eliminator. He was really looking forward to that. After securing his weapon he checked with the "Officer in Charge" and waited until the rest of class was finished. The officer congratulated him, yet again on his perfect scores. That was something that never happened at his old school. There was no praise for the gifts of destruction that he brought.
*Where am I?*
"Who said that?" he asked.
"Said what?" asked the cadet next to him.
"Someone said and I quote "Where am I?" did you hear anything?" Bar asked.
"I didn't hear anything?" answered the cadet.
*Oh dear god no! She made a W.I.S.H.!* said the voice again.
Military school had done a couple of thing for Bart. It gave him a new found discipline and taught him not to stick out. He moved a little away from everyone. he asked again. "Who are you?"
* Xander Harris, but I shouldn't be here.*
"How come I can't see you?" Bart asked.
*I think I'm inside your head.* Xander answered.
**Oh for crying out loud. Harris what the hell did you do? I thought we had a deal? I don't butt into your space you don't butt into mine.** said Jack O'Neill.
***HA ha ha ha ha ha!***
*Oh no! We're stuck with the Bitch.* cried Xander.
"He, he he. You said Bitch." laughed Bart. He was a little disturbed by the voices, but he was starting to pick up some choice word.
**Hey watch the language in front of the kid.** demanded Jack.
Bart closed his eyes for a minute and inside his head he saw an old man in military uniform with a colonel's insignia and a young guy like Otto except with shorter hair. They were fighting with this big wild looking dog. Who was laughing for some reason. 'Too cool.' he thought. He was looking at a sitcom inside his head. He opened his eyes the vision went away. He closed them and it came back. He could have fun with this he thought.
End Chapter 1.
This story would not leave me alone. I had to write it.