Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Last Minute Transport

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: Xander decides that a boat just isn't the way to get the Judge's arm out of California. X-over with The Transporter.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Transporter, TheBarefootXOFR1311,4249323,99728 Apr 0928 Apr 09Yes
I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or The Transporter. They belong to Joss Whedon and Corey Yuen?

Last Minute Transport

The Bronze
January 16th 1998

“No… No… NO!!” Xander Harris was utterly disgusted. “We are not having Deadboy bring a highly volatile, apocalypse level artifact to an exposed dock by himself, with a vampire that can see the future looking for it. No, dammit!”

The Scooby Gang was utterly shocked. This had never happened before. Not really, anyway. Before now, Xander Harris had usually just gone along with whatever plan that Buffy, Giles or whoever posed at the time, regardless of any feelings he might have had about the plan’s viability. It was just unheard of for Xander to basically inform the gang that the stated plan would not do.

“Here is what is going to happen. We are all going to accompany the Judge’s arm back to the library where we will fortify our position until morning with both Angel and Buffy guarding it at the very least. Meanwhile, I am going to place a call…”


Sunnydale High School
January 16th 1998

As the Scooby Gang, still reeling from Xander’s sudden take-charge attitude, silently obeyed their orders, Xander picked up a very new cell phone that none of them had ever seen before.

Dialing a number that none of them recognised, he recited a well-rehearsed phrase. “I’m in need of a Transporter.”

“I’m listening…”

“Can you reach Sunnydale by sometime during daylight tomorrow?”

“High noon at best.”

“That would be ideal. Cargo is as follows. Package number one is a heavy metal cargo container, dimensions are 3’ by 1’ by 1’, weight is exactly 100lb. Package number two is a body bag, dimensions are 6’1” by 2’ by 1’, weight is exactly 165lb. It is absolutely critical that you give strict adherence to Rule Number Three on this assignment. Failure to do so will result in all manner of trouble. There will be one passenger, myself. Pickup will be in front of Sunnydale High School at high noon. Delivery must be in sufficient time so that I and my two packages can board the 3pm flight to Honolulu out of LAX. Payment for services will be provided by me just before I pass through the departure gate.”

“Understood. Job accepted.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you then.”

The Scooby Gang was back to staring at him, causing Xander to smile slightly. “What the bloody hell are you doing involving a civilian in this manner, Xander?” Giles’ voice held a slight note of reproach and a whole bag full of curiosity.

Xander grinned. “In a moment Giles. Willow, I’ll need you to order me a ticket to Honolulu, coach if you please. Then I need you to get me some authentic-looking documentation that allows me to bring along a corpse and a severed arm as cargo. The corpse should be destined for burial, it was requested to be returned to Hawaii by the deceased’s last living relatives. The arm is a science experiment destined for a local laboratory.”

Willow grinned at the challenge. This was the sort of stuff a hacker of her quality dreamed about. She immediately began working the computer, simultaneously ordering the tickets and preparing Xander’s documentation.

Giles’ lips thinned, looking for all the world like a disapproving English school marm.

Xander’s grin broadened. “The person I called is a Transporter. His job is to take unidentified cargo from Point A to Point B for a fixed price. I set up the deal for this coming morning, during daylight, so that we could get the Judge’s arm out of the area post haste by the most secure method possible.”

Giles nodded. It seemed reasonable. “And how do we know that we won’t inadvertently expose someone new to the supernatural?”

“Rule Number Three: Don’t open the package. A Transporter is only as good as the rules by which he lives his life.”

“And the purpose of the body bag?”

Xander’s grin achieved megalomaniacal proportions. “How else does one transport Deadboy during the daylight?”

Angel groaned. Harris would just love this. Any chance to humiliate him. And the worst was, he couldn’t really argue the point.

Buffy, however, was much more willing. “And why does Angel need to do this?”

Xander froze, looking at her oddly. “So he doesn’t burst into flames?”

Buffy shook her head. “No, Miss Calendar and now you are both insistent that Angel has to accompany the Judge’s arm. Why him?”

Xander shrugged. “Couldn’t guess with Miss Calendar, Buff, but for my part it’s blatantly obvious. We need someone of supernatural-type strength to guard the arm from capture. You’d be missed, Angel wouldn’t. End of story.”

Buffy’s face appeared to collapse in on itself in the face of that insurmountable argument. She could rave on about Xander being jealous all she liked, but at the end of the day Xander’s points would still be perfectly true. “Okay. But how can you disappear with him? Won’t you be missed?”

Xander’s smile returned. “Couple of differences between me and Deadboy, Buff. Firstly, he’ll have to catch a boat back, since a corpse being transported to Hawaii and back again would be suspicious. I, on the other hand, can simply board the flight back and be gone two days at most. Secondly, my parents won’t miss me and Snyder won’t miss me. Especially since Willow is going to pretend to be my Mom and call in sick on my behalf.”

Willow grinned at the printer. “Darn tootin’.”


Abandoned Factory
January 16th 1998

Drusilla sobbed violently. “It’s gone Spikey! The nasty little Kitten has stolen my birthday present and is going to break it all to pieces!”

Spike hushed his lover quietly. “Now now, Love. Dalton will get it back if he knows what’s good for him.”

“No he won’t, Spikey. Clever Kitten has called forth the mighty cat to help whisk my birthday present away.”

Spike just patted Dru’s back and wished he could understand her more then half the time…


Sunnydale High School
January 17th 1998

Rupert Giles and Xander Harris stood waiting calmly as the BMW pulled up, a body bag and a metal cargo container sitting on a stolen ambulance gurney.

Xander walked up to the driver. “You’re right on time.”

The driver’s lips quirked. “It pays to be punctual.” He glanced at the body bag and the cargo container. “Packages appear to be as advertised. Cargo container in the trunk, body bag in the back seat. You’ll be sitting up front.”

Xander nodded and motioned for Giles to assist him with hauling the stuff around. When all was secure Xander entered the passenger side and told Giles not to wait up.

Giles merely smiled and walked back to the school where he met Jenny. “Do you know why Xander picked Hawaii, rather then Tibet?”

Giles’ lips quirked. “As I understand it, he plans to fling the arm into the nearest active volcano. I have to admit, it might just work.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Judge cannot be destroyed by any weapon forged by man. Molten rock is not a weapon, is certainly not forged and is not, in fact made by man. Besides, it’s nice to see that young man has studied at least some English literature.”


“I’m assuming he stole his solution from The Lord of the Rings…”



January 17th 1998

Frank Martin and Xander Harris walked up to the departure gate, Angel and the Judge’s arm having long since been placed in cargo. A faint smile graced Xander’s lips at the thought of the vampire’s discomfort. It might have been necessary, but Xander certainly considered it a lovely bonus.

Frank held Xander’s arm before he walked towards the gate. “You going to tell me what this was all about?”

Xander grinned enigmatically. “You ready to tell me the real story about the Senator’s wife?”

Frank barely managed to hold in a blush. “Got it. Never-mind.”

Xander chuckled. “Thanks for the ride. What’s your payment, this time?”

Frank allowed the faintest hint of emotion to cross his face. “The usual, I think.”

Xander nodded stoically before wrapping his arms around Frank in a fierce hug. “Thanks, Dad. I owe you.”

Frank almost... almost… smiled. “I’ll see you later, Son.”

And with that, Xander Martin walked out the departure gate, off to complete whatever assignment he had given himself. One thing Frank was sure of though, whatever it was, it was a better use of his time then most of his Transports.


That's right... Frank is Xander's dad... :p


The End

You have reached the end of "Last Minute Transport". This story is complete.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking