I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Looney Tunes. They belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Brothers respectively.
This fic contains spoilers for BtVS Seasons 2, 3, 5 and 6! Also some very slight ones for 4.
Some of the people might say I'm bashing the Trio, but I don't think so... :p
~~Bunnies… Evil BunniesEthan’s Costume Shop
October 31st 1997
Xander sighed in utter despair. This was getting incredibly frustrating. He wished he’d been able to go yesterday with the girls but he’d gotten sidetracked by Larry beating the living daylights out of him. ‘Maybe I should have let Buffy defend me just that once. My masculine pride has never been all that powerful anyway. And if I had managed that, I might have gotten here in time to get a weapon to go with my fatigues.’
It was a desperate Xander that Ethan found in his store, just an hour before Xander was due to meet Buffy and Willow. “Is there anything I can help you with, young man?”
Xander shrugged and hoped for the best. “I’m hoping to dress as the type of guy that nobody can fail to take seriously. I was planning on going as a soldier, but you don’t appear to have any fake weapons left in stock.”
Ethan merely motioned around his store. “I’m afraid what you see is what I have left. In adult sizes, you are pretty much left with those odd animal costumes over in the corner. Apparently they were used on some television show, but I’m afraid I’m not familiar with it.”
It was then that Xander spotted it. ‘Now there is a character whose opponents always took him seriously’. “Is the grocery store still open?”
Ethan looked confused at the apparent non sequiter. Yes, I believe it is. Why?”
Xander grinned. “Just thinking of a prop I might use. How much for the grey bunny costume?”
Ethan considered for a moment. The boy was obviously lacking in time and funds and it would be fun to have one more helpless person out there. After all, what could a bunny do? “I’ll give it to you for two dollars. That’s how much it cost me. Better that then having to get stuck with a costume that I won’t be using and that, after Halloween, I won’t be selling either.”
Xander’s grin became toothy. “It’s a deal. After this, I’m off to do an emergency grocery run. Thanks a lot, pal.”
“My pleasure, my boy.”
**Streets of Sunnydale
October 31st 1997
Willow watched in horror as her most beloved friend since forever completed an unprecedented transformation, appearing as a four foot tall, counting his ears, cartoon bunny rabbit that was, even, nonchalantly chewing on a carrot and looking at her with a mildly quizzical expression on his face. “Enh… What’s up, Doc…?” It was then that Willow gave thanks that ghosts couldn’t faint…
**Sunnydale High School ~ Library
November 1st 1997
“Good lord.” Giles was polishing his glasses on overtime now. “Whatever will we do now that transformation seems to have… well… stuck to the poor lad?” Giles said to no one in particular.
The former human in question, Xander Bunny thank you very much, did not break stride as he chewed on a new carrot. “Enh, what’s the trouble, Doc?”
Giles shrugged. It was obvious to him. “I suspect that Snyder would look poorly on educating an animated rabbit.”
Xander smiled, a smile that looked even more disturbing on his cartoon rabbit face. “I suppose it’s a good t’ing I’m master of disguise then, Doc…” With that, Xander slipped into Giles office and banging about was heard until a willowy, blonde beauty with an oddly hairy face walked out. “Jessica Hare, at your service…”
**Sunnydale High School ~ Library
November 7th 1997
The gang still couldn’t believe it. They had all told Xander that his disguise would never work. They had all claimed that even the Sunnydale effect could not have counted on the mighty power of the cartoon effect. Despite the knowledge on the part of the audience, the Scooby Gang in this case, that it was a disguise, none of the characters would ever see through it because of the cartoon effect.
Thusly, it should perhaps have been less shocking that Snyder acted the perfect gentleman whilst showing the new southern girl from Texas around. It should not have been surprising that Cordelia would befriend that new girl, never realising that half of Jessica’s servile comments sounded blatantly mocking to anyone not named Cordelia. It should also have not surprised anyone that Jessica was hit on, and shot down, no less then three different guys. It didn’t matter. It was surprising.
January 17th 1998
The Judge trudged towards the mall, seemingly unstoppable. The terrible being had already killed five people and was gradually working up the power to destroy even more of the people in its path.
The Judge spun about to see a smirking rabbit, standing behind him. Had the Judge been more vigilant, he might have noted that his vampiric comrades had all deserted, Drusilla quietly muttering about Monty Python’s terrifying prophecies or some such. Still, the Judge did not notice and so was not frightened by the strange rabbit. After all, he was the Judge, what could possibly harm him? “Silly rabbit!” he roared “No weapon forged by man can destroy me…”
Xander looked at the carrot in his hand. Did the Judge honestly think he was being threatened with a carrot? Obviously this demon was high on brawn and low on brains. “I think your line was… ‘Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids’, Doc. Not that I’m interested in cereal anyway. Carrots are much better for you, healthwise.”
The Judge was utterly confused. Where was the panic, where was the attempted attack? Usually humans would take one of the two paths. This bunny had chosen neither.
Finally, after letting the Judge stew awhile, Xander let loose. “So… What’s up, Judge?”
The Judge twisted about, as if watching for an attack from the rear. This couldn’t be it, could it? Finally, unable to figure out a trap, the Judge decided talking couldn’t hurt. “I am going to the mall so that I may kill many humans and grow strong enough to end the plague of humanity for good.”
Xander merely chomped on his carrot, seemingly unconcerned. “That’s nice, Doc, but that’s not what I asked.”
The Judge was utterly confused. “What?”
Xander pointed upwards. “What’s up, Judge?”
It was then that Judge made his critical error and looked up. It is a rule of cartoon physics that an object over one’s head will not fall until the victim is aware of its presence. With the acknowledgment of its existence, the suspended anvil proceeded to slam down, crushing the Judge into a pancake.
Xander grinned at his hidden friends. “Ain’t I a stinker?”
**Sunnydale High School
December 18th 1998
Anyanka was on the prowl. Cordelia Chase had just dumped Larry Blaisdell after catching the man cheating on her… with Percy West. This was some very prime material for the Patron Saint of Scorned Women, and so she was hanging out with Cordelia and the rest of the Cordettes.
It was then when she knocked into Jessica Hare, whose wig came off. Jessica turned to her, smiling ingratiatingly. “Don’t I know you from some place?”
Anyanka, however, was not listening. Instead she was staring at the newly revealed long ears, as well as the suddenly noticeable big teeth and the equally noticeable cottontail that stuck out the back of Jessica’s skirt.
After a long moment in which Anyanka tried desperately, nay frantically, to come up with a solution that did not include the hate subject, Anyanka couldn’t help it anymore. “Bunnies… floppy, hoppy bunnies…twisted, dark and wicked bunnies… evil bunnies…” Finally finished the inane muttering, Anyanka let out a high-pitched scream and tore out of Sunnydale High. Let Cordelia find her own vengeance, Anyanka would never cross a bunny if she could help it…
**Fabulous Ladies Night Club, Oxnard
July 13th 1999
A light rumbling shook the stage and went unnoticed among the gyrating dancers on stage, even when a small hole opened up and a bunny head popped out. As Xander looked about he sighed. This wasn’t Pismo Beach! “I knew I should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque.” Unsure of how to get to his proper destination, Xander decided to just take in the sights here. Xander grinned. After all, he was a bunny… he wasn’t dead…
June 12th 2001
Xander watched curiously as Doc began to set up for slicing his little Dawnie open on the platform. This just wouldn’t do. Not in the slightest. “Enh, what’s up Doc?”
Doc, not really taking notice of him at first, simply answered him. “I’m readying the Key so that we can open the portal for return to her home.”
Xander nodded as if that was perfectly logical and perhaps to Doc it was. “I bet that’s mighty thirsty work there, Doc. ‘Specially when you consider how hot it is. Wouldn’t you like to have some tea to revive you a bit ‘fore you cut into that Key there?”
Doc nodded, still not seeming to notice that Xander was not on his side. “I sure would, but I don’t have any tea.”
“No tea?” Xander feigned shock and quickly set up a prim little tea table on the platform as if by magic. “We can’t have that. Why don’t you come over here and I’ll serve you?”
Doc glared at Xander, for the first time seeming to realise that this rabbit was not one of his Mistress’ minions. “How do I know it’s not poison?”
Xander felt more then a little insulted. “I swear on my honour as a good guy that there will be no poison in this tea.”
Doc nodded as if that were good enough. And, to Doc, it was. After all, good guys never lied when they swore on their honour, right?
Doc was, perhaps, lucky that Xander had no intention of lying. There was no poison in any of his things. Xander calmly poured the tea and then put some milk in his. “Milk?”
Xander placed three lumps of sugar in his tea. “How many lumps would you like, Doc?”
Doc grinned. He loved sugar. “I want a whole lotta lumps.”
Xander grinned in response. “You asked for it, Doc…” And with that, Xander proceeded to beat the living hell out of Doc with a giant wooden mallet. “Sometimes I wonder if Pete the Puma had any children when I come upon a situation like this.” Then Xander shrugged and released Dawn, walking happily away from the scene.
**Evil Lair of the Trio
October 16th 2001
Warren nodded towards his fellow members of the Trio. “You both know why we are here. We have to find a way to deal with the greatest threat to our power in Sunnydale… Xander Bunny. I’m open to suggestions…”
Jonathan and Andrew both considered the problem seriously. It was Jonathan who thought of an option first. “I can use my reality-altering magics to turn myself into a copy of Lola Bunny. Bugs was never able to resist her and Xander shouldn’t either. With her image as mine, I should be able to lure him into a trap.”
Warren smiled proudly. “Go to it, Number One.”
Jonathan puffed up with personal pride whilst Andrew sulked at the implied demotion this provided him with.
October 19th 2001
Xander was angry, nay he was outraged. One of these wannabe super-villain had thought that he wouldn’t see through this. Across the road, Xander could plainly see Lola Bunny, fluttering her eyebrows sexily at him. Lola had never been that flirty, for one. Her beauty was purely natural and Bugs had been the one to come on to her, not the other way around.
Normally Xander would not have cared to even bother to combat someone with such a shoddy strategy, but he could not help but be insulted on the behalf of Bugs’ long-time girlfriend. Fine, he wanted to play Toon, Xander would help him.
Walking in a manner that could only be described as an enthusiastic trot, Xander moved across the street until he was easy reach of this ersatz Lola. “Of course you realise, this means war.”
Jonathan’s blood froze. This was about to get very bad.
With that, Xander grabbed a handful of reality, tearing a large hole in it before dragging it over a protesting Lola look-alike and sealing it. There, that would fix that.
**Paris, Looney Tunes Universe
October 19th 2001
Jonathan shook his head, dizzy from having transcended realities like that. It was only as he looked at his hands that he realised that something had gone horribly wrong. ‘I’m a black cat?’ Of course, this phrase came out as a feminine ‘Mew?’.
Jonathan began to become incredibly nervous as he realised that the signs were all in French. This was about to become incredibly bad. He was a black cat in a French area. If he recalled his cartoons correctly, only bad things could result from this situation. It was in that moment that he felt a cold trickle down his back. He looked up, praying it was just sweat. No such luck… White paint. Could this possibly become any worse?
Jonathan shuddered. It could. With that he took off, a feminine yowl of fear echoing throughout Paris. Had he been able to speak, the English speakers might have understood better his pleas. “Warren!! Andrew! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!!”
**Evil Lair of the Trio
November 21st 2001
Warren sighed in frustration. “Well, nobody’s seen Jonathan for a month and I know that I’ve seen that darn bunny. Any thoughts on a way to defeat the bugger, Andrew?”
Andrew thought very hard. This was his chance supplant Jonathan as Number One whilst Jonathan was off who knows where. He could not fail. “Ummmmm… What if I was to summon forth one of Bugs Bunny’s greatest opponents. It probably wouldn’t work for the human ones like Fudd or Sam, but it ought to work with one of the more monstrous ones like say…” Andrew suddenly got a diabolical smile on his face. “The Abominable Snowman.”
Warren laughed, remembering the cartoon in question. “Yes, Andrew. That should do just perfectly… Go to it, Number One.”
Andrew puffed up at the praise. Take that Jonathan!
November 25th 2001
Xander was just leaving a late season costume party when he saw a gigantic figure, standing before him. Recognising the beast instantly, Xander thanked his lucky stars that he had warn a pirate costume, complete with a flamboyant hat over his ears. “Enh, what’s up, Doc?”
The Abominable Snowman was disappointed. “Do you know where I can find a cute little bunny rabbit. The nice man told me I could find one here tonight.”
Andrew. The thought struck Xander like a freight train. Well to could play at this game. “Yes, as a matter of fact I did see one. You head over to the park and I’ll bring him out to you, okay?”
The Abominable Snowman grinned broadly. “Thank you very much, Mr. Pirate. I have been looking ever so long for a cute little bunny rabbit.”
Xander didn’t allow his smile to waver. “Haven’t we all…”
**Evil Lair of the Trio
November 25th 2001
Andrew leapt up and nearly fell down a flight of stairs at Xander’s shout. “I didn’t do it.”
Xander looked at him curiously. “Didn’t do what?”
“I didn’t summon the Abominable Snowman to get you out of the way of Warren’s plots for domination of Sunnydale.”
Xander nodded agreeably. “Okay, I got rid of him anyway. I was just gonna invite you to the costume party today.”
Andrew’s jaw dropped. “That was today? Nobody told me! I don’t even have a costume…” Andrew pouted childishly.
Xander allowed an incredulous expression to cross his face. “They didn’t tell you? For shame. Well, you’re just like I’m here. I happen to have an extra costume for you.”
Xander pulled out a man-sized bunny costume, whose inside was coated with super-glue. Andrew, not considering the implications of the bunny suit, merely put it on. “So where’s the party, Xan?”
Xander smiled that oh so innocent smile. “Why the park, of course…”
Xander merely nodded in solemn acknowledgment. “You deserve this, Andrew. Every bit…”
November 25th 2001
Andrew only had time for a yell of surprise before the Abominable Snowman picked him up and began patting him. “Oh, what a cute little pink bunny rabbit. My own little bunny rabbit. I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him. And pat him and pet him and love him and caress him…”
It was perhaps around this point that Andrew began to seriously regret calling this thing down on Xander. But it was too late for regrets, the costume was bound to his skin and the Abominable Snowman was gleefully prancing towards the Rockies with his new little bunny rabbit. “Xander Bunny, you are despicable!!”
**Evil Lair of the Trio
December 19th 2001
Warren beat his head against his beloved drawing board. Jonathan was heaven knows where now, Andrew was busy as the cuddle toy of the Abominable Snowman and that blasted rabbit was still alive and active, foiling Warren’s plots.
Finally, Warren felt the proverbial light bulb go off over his head. He had it, one of the only times Bugs Bunny was ever truly defeated, which Warren could replicate perfectly. Immediately he sent an order off to the Acme Company for a few key necessities. “I’ve got you this time, Xander.”
December 26th 2001
It was standing on Kingman’s Bluff that Warren began his crusade. This time he wore traditional viking-style gear, right down to the horned helmet and the mighty spear. Infused with powerful dark arts magics that had helped learn to fling lightning and do other necessities, Warren now felt ready to take the war to Xander Bunny. Singing the refrain from the Elmer Fudd classic ‘Kill the Wabbit’, Warren charged at the figure he saw below…
December 27th 2001
It had taken him a full day, doing battle with the clever bunny, but he now had the body of Xander Bunny lying broken at his feet. Unfortunately, without his primary foe, Warren couldn’t help but feel he had somehow taken something from himself in the act of killing his mighty foe. Broken by what he had done, Warren picked up Xander’s body and left Sunnydale forever, singing the same sobbing refrain that Elmer Fudd had sung after his own victory…
December 28th 2001
Buffy grinned at Xander Bunny. “So how’d you get rid of the prince of geeks?”
Xander shrugged, grinning back at Buffy. “I saw him sending away to Acme, so I did the same. I had them remodel the Buffybot as a Bugsybot. I hope they’ll be very happy together…”
Buffy snickered in response. “So what are you going to do now?”
Xander shrugged in reply. “Only thing I can do now, Buff. Porky isn’t here to do it for me, ya see… Th-th-th-th-th-that’s all Folks!!”
*cue Looney Tunes end music*
Sooo... Happier end this time, except for the Trio? :p