I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Independence Day or Stargate. They belong to Joss Whedon, Roland Emmerich and MGM respectively...
Warning: This fic is not meant to be insulting to women who believe themselves to be overweight, or to anyone who likes opera. It is just playing on a recurring line from Independence Day... It is meant in good fun. Please don't take offence...
~~Not Until the Fat Lady SingsEthan’s Costume Shop
October 30th 1997
Xander Harris was frustrated. Nay, he was infuriated. Ethan’s didn’t have a single automatic weapon in sight. How could he be a proper soldier without one?
“Can I help you, young man?”
Xander nearly leaped out of his skin. “Jeez man, don’t do that.” He turned to find himself facing a smarmy-looking face that belonged on a used car salesman. ‘Great, this is all that I need today.’ “I was looking for a toy automatic weapon to go with the fatigues I got at the Salvation Army.”
The man, another Brit, scoffed loudly. Why ever would you want to go as some Neanderthal with a machine-gun, my boy. I’ll have you know that I could set you up with a few props that are much more sophisticated, while still in keeping with your military motif.”
Xander stared at Ethan for a long time, attempting to figure out what the man was up to. Unable to figure out, he finally surrendered to the inevitable and allowed the man to show off whatever it is he wanted. “All right, then. Let’s see this stuff of yours.”
Xander had to say that by the end of things he was very impressed. A couple of patches, a set of wings indicating he was a qualified flier and even a set of authentic dog-tags that had apparently been donated by a member of the family of a real flyer who’d died in a training exercise. Now Xander just needed to pick up his father’s cigar. Xander sighed. As if the man didn’t have enough bad habits, he had to add smoking to the mix and try to kill Xander too…
**Streets of Sunnydale
October 31st 1997
It should be noted that on the night of Halloween 1997, Xander somehow forgot to give his father the requested cigar, and thus he was still carrying it when the spell hit. It should also be noted that the cigar was just enough impetus to change Xander Harris into an experienced Jimmy Wilder from an alternate reality, rather then the poor sap in Xander’s own reality who had bought it in a training exercise.
And thus, on that October night, Jimmy Wilder once again walked the Earth, a silly grin on his face that was a frighteningly good match for Xander’s.
Jimmy Wilder looked about in utter shock. ‘I’m alive? I’m alive! I thought I was toast and here I am.’ Jimmy grinned and set his but down on the nearest bench, digging for his cigar and lighting the thing up, before placing it in his mouth. He completely ignored the surrounding chaos as he gleefully celebrated being alive by smoking his victory dance.
**Sunnydale High School ~ Library
November 1st 1997
Giles wanted to cry. If he had to continue to listen to Willow complaining about Xander and Buffy’s attitudes from the previous night when she knew full well that both had been possessed, Giles was going to cry.
Apparently Buffy had been a haughty aristocrat of the eighteenth century and had happily ripped into Willow for her choice of clothing the previous night, a fact made even more irritating to the young lady by the fact that Buffy was the one who had suggested it, though God alone knew why that had been.
Xander, on the other hand, had been a singularly unhelpful Marine Captain of some description who had quite happily informed Willow that he had just survived a dogfight with some crazy aliens and that he was not about to risk his recently saved skin on saving the local stripper and her uptight best friend. He had said that he’d be interested in Willow if she wanted a tumble, assuming the price was right. It was debatable would ever forgive Xander for that remark.
The arguing was still running fierce and Giles’ headache was worsening. ‘Please God just let me die…’
**Sunnydale High School ~ Library
June 27th 1999
Xander sat, calmly grinning at the situation that had most of the Scooby Gang in a tizzy, but he wasn’t about to clue them in until he was good and ready.
“Dammit, Xander, how can you be so calm?”
Xander merely kept his benign grin in place. “I’ll have you know that I know how to take out the mayor, but no one’s going to like it…”
After a quick fifteen minute lecture on what his idea was, Xander found that he was right… nobody liked it at all… It didn’t matter. Hate the idea though they might, almost everyone eventually grudgingly agreed that it was their best shot.
It was too bad, to Xander’s mind, that Faith had joined the other side. She would have loved this idea. Of course Faith loved anything that included grand theft, senseless destruction and high speeds…
**Sunnydale Air Force Base
June 29th 1999
It was nearly midnight when Xander snuck onto the small Air Force base that was located just outside of the Sunnydale city limits. Xander quickly slipped into a cockpit, concealing himself. The missiles on this baby were fairly low yield ones, but considering what he was gonna be shooting at, that was probably a blessing. Now he just had to hide out until the time was right. His hand twitched towards his new cigar before he mentally chastised himself with Hiller’s mantra. “Not until the fat lady sings.” Xander snorted. “Which in California is probably about a quarter to never…”
**Sunnydale High School
June 30th 1999
The vampires were rather shocked when the strategy of most of the locals of Sunnydale seemed to turn to running like God himself were chasing them, the very second that Buffy had led the one-time Mayor into the school. The people who knew the plan knew that the school and its surrounding area were about to get very inhospitable and were quickly pushing their loved ones along as they headed for the hills.
Buffy Summers, meanwhile, having gotten the Mayor hung up on himself in the library, was also booting it for the nearest bomb shelter. Xander’s plan was rather messy, but just so long as the Mayor was still stuck when Xander got there, a pretty sure thing give how little room to maneuver there was for a giant snake in an ordinary high school, Xander should be more then able to hit the target.
**In the Air
June 30th 1999
Xander smiled as he got tone. “Knight Two, Fox Three!” He then watched as the missile flew headlong into the school, blowing it to smithereens. “Knight Two to Watcher Man, target has been neutralised. Mission accomplished.”
“Knight Two your transmission is acknowledged. Come home.”
“Copy that, Boss. Knight Two, out.”
Xander grinned sheepishly as he noted two fighter craft pulling alongside him. “Hi there. Don’t suppose y’all are here to congratulate me on my good work, huh?”
“Unidentified pilot, you are required to stand down and return to LAX with us immediately. Any deviation from the flight path we will be providing you with will be taken as an act of aggression and result in your being blown out of the skies.”
Xander nodded. “Knight Two acknowledges and will comply.”
July 1st 1999
“You’re in a lot of trouble Mr. Harris. You realise that, don’t you?”
Xander grinned ingratiatingly at the irritated-looking marine. “Realise what, sir?”
The marine glared fiercely at Xander. “I want information Watcher Man and Knight One. And I want it now, kid.”
Xander’s grin never wavered. “You want all that, do you Big Daddy? Well let me tell ya straight that Knight One doesn’t exist. Knight Two is a personal callsign I use because it amuses me. It may imply that a Knight One exists, but I can assure you one doesn’t, or if one does it has no bearing on this because I don’t even know him or her.”
The marine stared for a long time at Xander before deciding that Xander was telling the truth. “And Watcher Man? We know you were talking to him via your communications, so we know he exists.”
Xander’s smile became maniacal. “Wilder, A.L. Captain. 39729966.”
The marine sneered in response. “Nice try kid, but you’re not military and your last name is Harris. That much we are sure of.”
Xander sneered right back. “I don’t care what you think you know about me, Lieutenant. I know who I am, even if you don’t. Even my parents don’t know who I really am.”
“And who is that?”
“A victim. They still think it today, but I stopped being one of those a long time ago.”
July 24th 1999
George Hammond listened carefully as the President informed him of the situation with Wilder. Alexander L. Wilder, né Harris, had been picked up by the military for vaporising his high school with a missile. Hammond had, at the time, thought that this had to be the most unusual school shootup ever. It had gotten stranger when they had discovered almost no one had been killed, despite a graduation ceremony having been scheduled, and that Wilder was claiming that the school had been destroyed as a method of preserving national security. What had been utterly shocking was when factions of the NID had quietly reported in and confirmed this fact with the President.
These days, Wilder was a candidate for a new flight program that was still in its fledgling stages. He was assigned to Area 51 permanently until the program was off the ground. Apparently a marine lieutenant had put in for a transfer in protest…
June 26th 2004
“Our orders have changed. We are not going to be attacking Anubis’ mothership. We’ve been assigned to fly cover for SG-1. They’re over Antarctica at this time. Apparently they think they’ve found the Lost City of the Ancients…” Cam Mitchell’s voice came out smooth and calm, handing out orders.
“Antarctica? You’ve gotta be kidding me…” Sampson apparently thought that orders were to be questioned. Silly man.
Xander just smiled as Cam basically told Sampson that this was SG-1 and that Sampson could just eat it if he thought Cam gave a damn what he thought. “Let’s kick the tires and light the fires, Big Daddy.”
Cam loosed a playful grin at Xander’s attitude. “You got your victory dance, marine?”
Xander spun about flipping the cigar out of his concealed pocket. “I got it right heeeeeeeere…”
Cam just laughed at the antics of his wingmate. “You marines are crazier then blue jello, you know that, Wilder?”
Xander just smirked. “Best not let Colonel O’Neill hear you take the name of blue jello in vain there, Major. Otherwise he’s like to have you assigned to flying an alien garbage scow through hostile territory.”
Cam shook his head. “Wouldn’t take your route then?”
Xander’s grin broadened at the memory. Cam had said something nasty about twinkies during a squad meeting and had wound up getting his head jammed in a toilet because of his denigration of Xander’s favourite snack food. After all, food was sacred… “Naw, Cammy. O’Neill’s your superior officer, he’s got no need for physical attacks when he can just assign you crappy duty.”
Finally the two slammed their helmets down and hopped into their cockpits.
Cam smirked at Xander and stated firmly. "We don't light up until the fat lady sings, right?"
Xander grinned mischievously. "Naught but our enemies, Boss Man."
June 26th 2004
Cam glared at the incoming vessels. “All right, Knights. SG-1 is on board that cargo ship. Target the al’kesh and then the gliders. Prometheus will watch our back door. Let’s move people.”
Xander grinned inside his helmet. “And may the Force be with us…”
June 26th 2004
Teal’c grinned as he heard the comm light up with a pilot beseeching the Force to be with them. That was always a good sign. Teal’c had great respect for people who sought to emulate the Rebellion against the evil Empire. He thought the series was a wonderful metaphor for the struggle of his own people. “May the Force be with us, indeed…”
Sam Carter glanced over at Teal’c. “What was that, Teal’c?”
Teal’c merely offered the benign almost smile that was his trademark. “Nothing, Major-Carter. I was merely thinking aloud…”
June 26th 2004
“Shaft, we’ve got an al’kesh bearing on that bomber.”
“I see it Yokel, I’ve got it in my sights. Knight One, Fox Three.” Cam launched the missile, barely missing the swiftly juking craft. “Come on, come on…” He had just realigned his sights on the enemy craft when his own began to shudder under attacks from a glider behind him. “Yokel, where the heck are you? I need some cover here.”
“I got your back, Big Daddy. Yokel’s been taken out.”
Suddenly Cam heard an explosion, indicating that the glider was dust on the wind. “Thanks, Reverend.” And with that he realigned his sights again before he fired on the al’kesh, taking it out. “Nix one al’kesh. You still got my back door, Reverend?”
“I’m your wing, Shaft. Let’s take it to these guys.”
“White Knight Squadron, this is Prometheus. SG-1 is safe and the cargo ship is out of the line of fire. Engage fighters at will. Prometheus will be moving to intercept the Goa’uld command vessel.”
“Copy that Prometheus. We’ll keep the home fires burning…”
The battle was fast and furious, but with Wilder by his side, Mitchell would not be shot down in the line of duty and be forced to learn to walk again. Mitchell’s heroic stand against the al’kesh that would have vaped SG-1 was still noted and he was still assigned to lead the new SG-1 after it was disbanded. The difference was that Cam was far more confident then he would have ever been had he been shot down. He took the position offered with relish and built a new SG-1 from the ground up, with Wilder being his first pick. It was perhaps unfortunate that the old gang would never be together again, but without Jackson’s expertise, they didn’t come upon Avalon, which meant the Ori never discovered them. Overall, it was a trade-off that many would have been glad of…
May 2nd 2009
"What in heaven's name are you doing outside the Sydney Opera House on your week off, Wilder?"
Xander turned to his C.O. Mitchell really could be such an idiot. "Where else could I do this properly?" he pointed at the smoking cigar hanging loosely in his mouth.
Cam looked at him quizzically until he faintly heard the female vocalist starting. Then it came to him. "You have some serious issues, my friend."
Xander grinned. "That I do, that I do... How's Marie?"
Cam glared at Xander for a moment until he realised the man was serious. "She's good." He paused a moment, consideringly. "Hey man, how come you never give me any guff about dating a stripper. Nearly every other guy on base teases me about it, but you never do."
Xander smiled secretively. "Let's just say that I had a friend who felt really strongly for a stripper at one time. He was willing to pretty much eighty-six his chances of getting into NASA for the privilege of marrying her. Anyway, you remind me a lot of him."
Cam cocked his slightly, as if inviting Xander continue. When he didn't Cam asked anyway. "So who is this guy?"
Xander shrugged. "You wouldn't know him. But he was a good man. I lost contact with him a while back. I hope he and Jasmine were very happy together." And with that, Xander turned away from the opera house, humming and smoking a cigar, leaving a confused Cam in his wake...
Soooooo... How bad was this one... :p