Title: Triple Chocolate Chip Cookies with Pecans
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Summary: Willow should really stop doing magic in the middle of the night. Xander suffers from it in his Snoopy Pjs.
Xander Harris was very put out with his Wills. No, he was very cross with her. He thought it sounded much better than what he really was and that was extremely pissed off. But it was his Wills, so he could tell her that he was totally perturbed, rather than thinking about pulling her head off, which he would never admit was what he was thinking. It was the kind of thing he did for his best friend ever, because she would cry if he yelled a lot. And boy, oh boy, he wanted to yell a lot.
After his tour of Africa, he decided to visit Willow. They laughed, watched bad TV, and killed monsters. It was the foundation of any good best friendship. But no, she had to be an uber-witch because a regular witch was too mundane for her overachieverness. So in her off-time, she made spells, decided to test spells, and -oops!- where’s Xander? Hell if he knew.
He was sitting on a street corner, somewhere Clevelandly but not. What was worse was he was wearing his new Snoopy pjs because said uber-witch decided to test said made-up spell in the middle of the night since she knew that everyone hated when she invented mojo. Stuff like this happened every time she made stuff up.
Xander sighed, at least there would triple chocolate chip cookies with pecans in them when he got back. Willow always made them, just for him, when she screwed up. Of course, he had to hide them from Dawn, but they did make being turned into stuff accidentally not so bad.
It was spring, so he wasn’t that cold and he was really glad he had put on his slippers before the journey to where ever. He even had his eye-patch on so he wouldn’t freak out little kids with the big gaping hole. Well, it was after midnight and there were no little kids, but he decided it was the thought that counts, as he rubbed the empty eye-socket.
He wondered is he should try to phone home, after all that’s what E.T. did and he got home in style. Xander always thought that spaceship was the Cadillac of galaxy travel, though he would never admit it to Captain Kirk. He saw a pay phone near and made a call with the change he had in his pocket, where the change came from he had no clue. He got the answering machine for Donna and Keith, not the slayer school. This at least answered what he thought.
He wasn’t in his universe, or was it his realty. Maybe he was lost in time. Maybe there wasn’t even humans in this world. Maybe there was chimp-people or robots. He felt very dejected; he knew the chimp people would stick him in a zoo or experiment on him. (After, that’s what the chimp people always did in the movies.) He wondered if they had shrimp in this Earth, or maybe it wasn’t an Earth but a Bob. He felt kind of sick, he couldn’t live in a perpetual Thursday if he remembered his Anya right. Being in other universes totally sucked!
Willow was definitely making at least five patches of the triple chocolate chip cookies with pecans in them and Dawn wasn’t getting any of them, no matter how puppy-eyed she got. Then Willow was making him brownies. Then she was going to promise to never send him to planet Bob again.
What if Willow couldn’t find him? That thought made him even more miserable. He was after all alone in a world with no ID, money, or even clothes, Snoopy pajamas did not make a man. He couldn’t get a job or a place to live. He would be that crazy guy that collected cans and talked about witches and vampires.
That thought through him off for a moment. What about the monsters?
Was there even vampires here? Should he be freaking out?
He didn’t feel like screaming. He just felt sad and alone. Really alone.
Should he be at least crying?
“Hi.” A small nervous voice said.
“Um, hi.” He said, as he turned left. He saw a middle age guy in a dark suit. He had graying brown hair and very thoughtful brown eyes. The nose was very straight and the chin long and pointy. He seemed like one of those normal everyday guys that you would never notice, yet he had a feel around him. There was something very noticeable about him.
The man looked thoughtful, but searching, like he wasn’t sure what to say. This didn’t make Xander feel comfortable. He wondered why he looking at him like that. Was he somewhere that he shouldn’t be? Maybe the man was supposed to meet someone here. Maybe he was a killer. Then Xander thought that sounded really dumb even in his own mind, people who said hi to him should not automatically equal a killer. But he wasn’t in his own world. Maybe he was in Killer World, where everyone killed everyone. Bored, bad day at the office, well go out and shoot somebody, honey!
Xander decided to treat this world like his world. In a normal situation not involving witches that sent their friends to different universes, why would a strange guy talk to a man in pjs on a street corner in the middle of the night. He didn’t like his own answer.
“I’m not a whore.” He told the man with a narrowed eye.
The man jumped slightly as if he wasn’t excepting Xander to say something like that. Maybe Xander said something that was taboo in their world. He wondered if homosexuality was a big no-no here. Or maybe it was prostitution. What if he was cop and now he was going take the Xan-man to the pokey? Willow now owed him peanut butter cookies as well, he decided.
“No, I didn’t think you were.” The man smiled a little like Giles did when he didn’t want to admit that Xander was funny. He found this as comforting, maybe this place would be so bad if it had Giles-like qualities. Would he be forced to wear tweed and drink tea? The fiends! Tea tasted horrible and tweed was itchy, not that he would ever admit to trying on tweed.
“OK, because my butt is so not for sale. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting my butt or wanting guys because my best friend is gay. And she is the bestest but not right now because I’m mad at her.” Xander slammed his mouth shut before he babbled about witches, vampires, or anything else that made him sound stupid or at least stupiditier. This whole situation was making him nervous or nervousier. Was nervousier a word? He thought he should be used to weirdo stuff happening. Also, he should have out-grown the babbling thing that haunted him through out high school.
“Hmmm,” The man said, “Let’s start over. Hi.”
“Hi.” Xander parroted back.
“My name is Dave.” The man, Dave, smiled at him.
“My name is Xander.” He told him.
“My guess is you’re wondering why I’m talking to you.”
“Yes, I am.” Xander said.
“Well, this may get weird.” The man sat down beside him, “Across the street a friend of mine lives and around one in the morning she saw something unusual. A giant, lightening storm appeared and a man fell out.”
“Wow, that is weird.” Xander wasn’t sure what to say to that. Why yes sir, I did fall out a hole in the sky. That is crazy talk and that will get you thrown in the nut house. Yet, Dave didn’t seem freaked out about it. He felt like power to Xander, maybe he was a witch like Willow or would he be called a warlock like Ethan Raine was. Willow tried to explain the difference once but Cordelia was wearing a really small shirt at the time.
Dave didn’t feel scary or threatening to Xander at all. Most powerful, new people scared him. It was logical to him. They usually wanted to kill him and his friends, end the world, or just have sex with him. He didn’t think Dave want to have sex with him but he wasn’t sure. The killing thing maybe but he could have done that already. He wondered why he could feel his power, normally he didn’t feel power at all like Willow and Buffy did and sometimes he thought Giles could too. Dave felt like his friends to him, like family. It was deep sense of home like he knew him all his life. And that wasn’t normal either. Xander decided to trust him; after all, he could be stuck in this new world and he needed help. The most this guy could do was try to kill him, end the world, or just have sex with him.
“Falling out of the sky sucks.” Xander explained to him, “I mean, well the falling to ground part hurt, it was like six feet and I skinned my knees, but the whole new world thing. I know this is Cleveland but not my Cleveland. It feels different and I called my friends and they are not Donna and Keith. I have no ID or money. There is no Xander Harris in this world or maybe there is a Xander Harris in this world. If one of us meets the other do you think the other will stop existing, or is that only time traveling?”
“Alright, OK,” Dave uttered, stopping Xander and rubbed his eyes, “You’re from a different world.”
“Yeah.” He smiled his goofy, I’m completely harmless smile at him. Xander thought that he rather be safe then sorry with Dave. But, just in case, being completely harmless was a sure bet of not getting killed. Unless, he liked to kill the harmless like vampires did.
“As in like you’re from another planet?” Dave said slowly, letting the words sink in.
“No,” Xander assured him, “Like I’m from this planet but a different version. This is plant Earth not planet Bob. Right?”
“No, not planet Bob.” He smiled kindly at him. “Are you sure you’re from another version of Earth and not this Earth?”
He tilted his head and looked at the street around him. “Yeah, it feels different. Not like mine, it feels… stronger, cleaner, not cleaner but pure-er. Is purer a word?”
“No, I don’t think purer is a word. I think it was more pure but I’m no school teacher so I wouldn’t know. Well, let’s see how different your world is from mine. Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.”
“Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.” Xander answered with a nod as they correlated to his own world then he frowned. He quietly asked, “You think I’m crazy. Don’t you?”
Dave swallowed but smiled slightly, “No, not really. The world is a crazy place.”
“Yeah, so is mine.” Xander nodded in understanding, “Does this world have shrimp?”
He gestured vaguely. “Yeah, my ex told me there was a world out there without shrimp. She knew that kind of thing.”
“Was she a witch?” Dave asked.
Xander smiled, there were witches in the world, or really this world, but witches all the same. Maybe they had their own Red Witch to send him home. He hoped so and grinned harder as he answered, “No, she was a vengeance demon. Well, former vengeance demon. So, is there shrimp or not?”
“Yeah, we have shrimp. We have demons but not many. Not sure about the vengeance demons, not a expert on the paranormal.” Dave stated calmly though Xander could tell he was a bit frightened as well he should be because Anya on her bad old days was very, very scary.
Xander decided to try to lighten him with a quick quip and hopefully a subtle question. “So vampires, witches, oh my!”
“Yup, all that. We even have lycanthropes.” He nodded with a questioning look.
“Lycanthropes?” Xander never heard that term before but it sounded familiar, like Giles had said it before, he knew he should stop tuning him out, or maybe it had been in a bad movie or something.
“You know were-rats, were-wolves, were-cats.”
“Oh, yeah. We have those, not the rats or the cats but the wolves. One of my friends is a were-wolf.” Xander smiled; at least he knew what the guy was talking about. It made him feel far less stupid. He wondered when would be a good time to ask when can you get me home.
“So, your not one.”
“Huh?” Xander asked, confused. He wasn‘t a rat or cat or anything as far as he could tell. Maybe they had were-humans on this world. He looked at the moon and noticed it wasn‘t full at all. He told him, “No.”
“Then what are you?” Dave looked at him sharply. “You feel like one of us.”
“Us, what are you?” Xander asked, as he finally realized where this going.
“I’m a were-hyena.” He said very carefully looking Xander straight in the eye as if he was looking at something Xander couldn’t see.
“I was possessed in high school by a hyena spirit. She was really…something. Are you going to eat me?” He told him quietly.
“No.” Dave managed to get out before he started laughing hysterically.
At first, it was a normal laugh then it turned into the scary whooping laugh that haunts Xander’s nightmares, where he raped Buffy and ate Willow, covered in blood and crunching her bones. Xander was pulled back into the memories of when he was so strong because she was. The alpha hyena chick in his head, telling him to be a bad boy, smiled cruelly. He had felt her power dancing on top of skin to the tips of his fingers. He could remember running so fast that the wind whipped at his bones. Then the scariest feeling, he could still feel her a bit sometimes and he was feeling her now. She was still there a little bit, like she left a tip of her soul with Xander. In Xander.
Dave’s eyes flashed. Then he narrowed them and growled at Xander. Xander growled back and pushed something from inside him. Something that felt like her. An indescribable it that felt like Africa, tall grass, earth, and blood. It’s always blood, a voice that sounded smarmy and like peroxide, smirked in his head.
“Yeah,” Dave nodded at something only he knew because Xander had no idea what was going on, “Come with me. We’ll figure it out.”
Xander watched him walk away for a second then quickly got up to follow. What else was he going to do? He could be stuck in some strange world or not. But this way he would not be alone in it. Like Dave said, we’ll figure it out. Now, Willow owed Dave some cookies too. He looked like an oatmeal raisin guy to Xander.