This is something I wasn't feeling after a few pages were written up. But now I've managed to salvage it slightly and turned it into a semi-crackfic. So try not to take it too seriously. And yeah, it really ends at the worst possible moment, oh well maybe somebody will adopt it. At least I can finally claim to crossover with one of my favorites.Disclaimer: Joss owns Xander and all the rest, Lucas and Fox owns all things Star Wars. I don't, I never claimed otherwise, don't shoot me.
The loud throbbing of his head made him cringe at the equally loud banging of the door, fumbling for his eye patch Xander discovered there was one too many limbs in the vicinity of his torso, two arms belonged to him. They were both attached at the shoulder so check that, but the third was of the slender female variety. Smooth tanned flesh darker in color than his tan by a few levels capped by slender fingers looking quite nimble, obviously she worked with them in some field.
Her head was topped by a messy tangle of brown hair that was two shades lighter than his own, the banging of the door subsided and a whispered argument could be mutely detected, the words were difficult to make out so Xander didn’t bother to even try. Although at one point he though he heard a man’s voice snark something about Harrison Ford and get lost. The room they both occupied looked tacky, not cheap but definitely something someone cooked up for tourists of a certain flavor. There was a big Star Trek flair to it, making Xander think it had something to do with a theme, science fiction, God awful cheesy science fiction not the good kind.
Reaching once again for his eye patch his hands brushed across something else and groggily he picked it up, it looked like the handle of a lightsaber, probably part of the décor. One free fake lightsaber compliments of the management for giving them his money. Returning it to the dresser he tried again to find the wayward eye patch mulling over the thought that he’d kill Andrew for booking this place, if it was the geek who arranged it, his memory was understandably fuzzy.
“Long Island Ice Tea does not go with Mint Julep, Beer, two Martinis and a shot of Bourbon,” he grumbled. Yet again he failed to find what he was looking for, instead he picked up a bouquet of white roses and tulips. Finally focusing long enough on the task at hand he got his eye patch on.
“You had more then that,” the woman told him startling him as she slowly pushed herself up revealing a pleasant sight indeed, she was the picture of beauty with ice blue eyes and a facial design that compliment her roguish good looks. The fact that he got an eyeful of at least a C cup sized chest made the three ring circus in his head take a powder. “Then again I think I still drank you under the table.”
“I seem to recall a bad Captain Kirk imitation muttering something about… nope, lost it.”
“Well I haven’t dear, or did you forget I’m Misses Xander Harris now?” she asked with a sweet little smile.
“Please tell me you’re joking because I don’t have a ring,” Xander said holding up an empty ring finger.
“Not the custom to always use one where I come from,” she returned sliding out of bed and reaching for a pair of panties that took Xander longer then a second to figure out that they were panties. Their design wasn’t familiar to him at all.
“Where’s that?” he asked with a smirk as he also got out of bed and fished around for his clothes. “Europe somewhere?”
“A little bit further then that,” she replied cryptically passing him a piece of paper and admiring his special attributes again, “here’s the proof.”
“Marriage certificate,” he observed his heart falling slightly. “Damn, and I thought I could safely say I skipped the whole got dead drunk and married in Vegas cliché,” he said with a sigh. He read her name and instantly went on guard. “So, you got a last name or is there some other reason you only gave a first name?”
“I didn’t want to stand out,” she replied softly tucking her hair back into a tight ponytail as she spoke.
“Is it that bad?” Xander asked tugging his shirt down. “By the way shouldn’t we be freaking out?” he added thoughtfully. His blushing bride smiled slightly and clipped the lightsaber to her belt sending off an odd signal to his brain, which he promptly ignored.
“Usually, but I’ve seen worse and I’m trying to keep you calm because judging from the early morning wake up call dad found me. Plus I don’t look it, but I’m younger than you might think.” Xander nodded dumbly before her words sank in and whatever influence she was trying to use on him shattered, at first he stood with his mouth open trying to form words. But then he started to hyperventilate as the situation finally broke through his alcohol induced haze, or rather the after effects of said binge drinking from the previous night. Xander did the only thing he could think of in this situation, he screamed, pulled out the emergency call pin Willow made for him and almost managed to activate it when the door to the hotel room broke open and a seven foot creature barged in fangs bared throat emitting a loud roaring.
“Chewie wait!” a voice cried from behind the walking fur covered giant. But the Wookie had a full head of steam on and had Xander in a headlock hanging upside down before the young man could do anything besides thinking, this does not compute
“Chewie put him down,” his wife ordered sternly, “dad how did you get him in here?”
“It was easy, we just used the roof entrance,” her father explained marching jauntily up to the barely functioning groom. Xander had dropped the pin and was taking a few deep breaths trying to stave off the rush of blood to the head effect.
“You two are impossible,” a woman stated coming up on Xander’s blind side making him flinch.
“He married our daughter while we were tracking down the cause of our accidental trip here,” the man accused brandishing the marriage certificate in Xander’s face. “She’s only sixteen you slimo, honestly Jaina, what part of ‘Stay Put’ did you have trouble with?”
“Dad I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions,” the girl reminded with a sigh, “and I’m seventeen now.”
“It’s still not legal in my eyes kiddo,” he shot back protectively.
“Could we please have a rational discussion without my being upside down and rapidly losing consciousness due to lack of oxygen?” Xander pleaded. The man looked like he was going to argue the point at first, but then inclined his head in the Wookie’s direction.
“Chewie put him down,” he said. Chewie grumbled something and unceremoniously dumped the Scooby onto the bed, struggling into a sitting position Xander stared at all three newcomers. Correction four, another man stood off to the side with a grim look about him. The weird thing was Xander recognized all four of them, or rather who he thought they looked like.
“This has got to be a joke,” he said shaking his head and eyeing the Wookie nervously.
“It is not a joke, we are who you think we are,” the man in the corner stated with a slight incline of his head.
“But that’s crazy, there is no way my life could pull off this level of a stunt. I mean, you’re freaking Luke Skywalker, or at least you look like him.” Xander reached up to rub the bridge of his nose fighting off the effects of a hangover compounded by his upside down rag doll imitation of earlier had to be playing with his vision. It was the only explanation.
“How do you think we feel?” Han Solo demanded twirling what could very well be his famous blaster in his hand. “You have any idea what it’s like to find out your lives are nothing more then entertainment for a bunch of…”
“Han,” Leia chastised cutting him off.
“What, I’m just sayin’ it isn’t exactly a good thing,” he shot back his expression seeming so familiar to Xander as though it had been lifted from the movie.
“Ok look, if this is some crazy demon initiation ceremony I promise not to cut off your heads, but to make me think you’re all characters from the movie, I wasn’t born yesterday.” Xander trailed off at the looks he was getting from all five of them and he felt a little bad about hurting them like that, but how could fictional characters just suddenly show up if magic wasn’t involved? Getting off the bed he paced over to the window trying to figure this out unconsciously adopting a stance familiar to those in the room, as his gaze fell to the hotels swimming pool below a sudden nagging sensation began to tickle at the back of his skull.
“Jaina how could you marry this man without consulting us first?” Leia questioned in a hurt tone.
“I’m sorry mom, but… something compelled me, as though the Force were trying to tell me something,” she explained.
“Yeah well you know my feelings on the matter young lady, you’re getting an annulment as soon as we can find somebody competent on this planet to legally do it who isn’t going to raise a fuss because of who we look like,” Han declared.
“That may be unwise if the Force drew Jaina to this young man there must be a reason for it,” Luke cautioned.
“She’s only sixteen Luke,” Han snapped.
“Seventeen,” Jaina corrected.
“Whatever,” Han muttered.
“Yet she has acted mature enough to do battle against many threats in the past,” Luke noted calmly.
“She’s my only daughter damnit, don’t my feelings count for anything anymore?”
“Han stop acting like a child, of course Jaina won’t remain married to him, at least not until we’ve gotten better acquainted. Then she can marry him if she wishes, but first we should sort out why she was drawn to him to begin with,” Leia stated. Xander turned back to the group with a look of absolute stunned disbelief on his face.
“You are them,” he blurted.
“Oh great now he’s going to act all nutty like the rest of the people we’ve run into,” Han said rolling his eyes.
“No, ok maybe just a little, you’re famous,” Xander said smiling broadly, “but this is completely. I mean… man I wish, I wish nothing, I mean I’m not wishing, see this is me not making a wish. Not even a tiny seemingly insignificant one that could blow up in my face or backfire like on I Dream of Jeanie. Nosiree not making any wishes,” Xander babbled channeling Willow. Laughing nervously as he studied the room carefully, Chewie shot him a mystified look and said something to Han.
“Search me Chewie he’s acting a little spacier than the old man did,” he commented.
“Sorry I almost made a stupid mistake, it is so not good to use the W word around here, never know who could be listening,” Xander explained.
“Right,” Han said humoring the crazy person. “Well what are we supposed to do now Luke? We can’t take him back with us in the Falcon.”
“The Falcon,” Xander blurted, “you have the Falcon? Oh that is so.” Han shot him a look. “Shutting up now, now’s not the time for me to go all Fanboy on you guys. Sorry,” Xander apologized.
“I believe if we are to find any true answers we must take him with us Han,” Luke said with a sigh. Chewie roared angrily.
“Yeah, Chewie’s right Luke,” Han agreed with a nod. “How do we know he won’t mess something up? We almost lost Anakin and Jacen recently because of that… well you know.”
“I don’t know, but we can’t just leave him behind because I doubt Jaina will,” Luke said with a knowing smile.
“Darn right I won’t,” Jaina said stubbornly. “He’s my husband.”
“What about Zekk?” Han asked frustrated.
“That was just a silly little crush, Xander is all man, and what a man too,” Jaina stated shooting Xander a fond look.
“Tell me you didn’t,” Han growled matching Chewie in pitch and tone.
“If I said I can’t remember because I was drunker than a Hutt on Nar Shadda would you still blast me?”
“I just might,” Han threatened slowly reaching for his trusty blaster.
“Oh dad,” Jaina said rolling her eyes.
“That wasn’t funny Jaina,” Leia chastised.
“Sithspit mom, alright fine we only did it orally, but come on how could I pass that one up?”
“Let Jacen stick to the comedy Jaina,” Leia said pressing her hand over Han’s shoulder and forcing him to relax.
“Ugh,” Xander said covertly snatching up his emergency call pin, “look there must be a logical explanation for why your daughter felt drawn to me. But I don’t think taking off is going to help, so why don’t we.”
“Oh no you don’t,” Han said snatching the pin from Xander’s hand faster than he could react, “what is it kid. Some kind of weapon?”
“No wait don’t,” Xander tried to warn him but it was too late. Han actually managed to activate the pin and in a flash all six of them were someplace else surrounded by seventeen Slayers, a Wicca and three Watchers. Weapons were aimed at Han, Luke, Leia, Chewie and Jaina and Xander was grabbed by a blonde girl who tried to pull him out of the circle. “Buffy wait,” he pleaded.
“Oh my GOD!” Andrew screamed running past everybody and positively gushing. “You’re Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher! Oh this is so cool, can I have your autographs?” he exclaimed fishing for a piece of paper on Giles’s desk.
“Oh no,” Han groaned.
“I suddenly get a sense of déjà vu,” Luke commented, “only these people aren’t cute or cuddly like the Ewoks.”
“Ewoks?” Willow repeated turning to face Xander.
“Ok boytoy what did you do?” Faith asked with a playful smirk.
“Um, would you believe I got married in Vegas to a fictional character?” he asked sheepishly. Buffy flung her arms in the air and finally let him go.
“Jesus Xander Harris, only you could pull that off,” one of the baby Slayers blurted.
“Wait, you mean these are the really real?” Andrew asked trailing off as he shot Luke a look. “Oh please, please, please can you make me a Jedi? I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like your father.” Xander practically face palmed grabbed Andrew by the arm and started dragging him away from the Jedi Master before he said anything else he’d regret.
“Andrew, sit,” he ordered pushing the man down into a chair.
“Stay,” Xander ordered. Andrew slumped in his seat and whimpered.
“You’re no fun, I mean you would have said the exact same thing if our situations were reversed.”
“Does anybody else think he’s been hanging around girls too long?” one of the baby Slayers asked in a whispered tone.
“No, he always acts that way,” Vi returned with a shrug.
“I would not,” Xander snapped, “now kindly stay here and let the grownups discuss this situation by ourselves,” he said. Andrew shot him a glare.
“Don’t patronize me Harris, remember I was a villain once, I could easily summon some Hellhounds to eat you,” he threatened half-heartedly.
“Right, sure you do that then, meanwhile we’ve got to figure out two things. Well maybe three things, first, how do I get out of this marriage, second why was Jaina drawn to me by the Force and third how did they get here?”
“Uh, Xander I think we have something a little bit more important to worry about at the moment,” Dawn said with a nervous edge to her tone.
“Really? What could possibly be more important Dawnie?” Xander demanded whirling to face the others, standing in the doorway to Giles’s office was a familiar figure dressed head to toe in black his breathing rasping from a mask. “Oh Sith,” Xander cursed.
“Indeed,” Vader remarked offhandedly.The End?