Disclaimer: I do not own either Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the Addams Family. No copyright infringement is intended, this story is only for fun and not profit.
It was ironic. After years of vamp and demon slaying and saying the old joke: “Did anyone get the number of that truck?,” he was done in by a truck. Xander Harris could barely make out the final words his lover was try to tell him through the loud ringing in his ears. He turned his head to get one last glimpse of him but his vision was growing fuzzy. Platinum blonde hair and sharp cheek bones were shaking back and forth as Xander felt the sensation of wetness on the part of his torso that was still attached.
He found himself praying. ‘God, I love him. God, I want to be with him. Please let me come back to see him after I die.’
He heard his female friends and father figure screaming and puking. ‘Please don’t let munchkin see,’ he thought. ‘Dawn would never recover.'
“I’ll be back,” he promised and then… he found himself somewhere cramped and small. He wondered if it was hell. Wherever he was, he made a promise and he intended to keep it.
Wednesday Addams looked on with interest as she watched her mother giving birth to what would be the fourth child in their bed at home. She was a teenager now, almost off to some college where the weather was beautifully horrible and depressing. (Right now she was looking into Sunnydale Community, which was located on such a convenient Hellmouth.) As such Granny had said it would be best if she knew what to expect after she had lured a mate into her web… right before she ate him of course. Or buried him alive like she did with her first boyfriend… whatever suits her mood.
Granny, acting as traditional midwife, was kneeling between Morticia’s legs as a dark head of hair made its appearance. “Enjoy the pain while it lasts, my dear. I don’t think you will be able to have another one after this.”
“That is why I refused the hospital Grandmamma. They would insist upon drugs like they did with my poor Pubert.”
Gomez kissed up and down his wife’s arm. “Oh, Ticia. If only we had a drug to delay this moment forever.”
Morticia smiled. “If only, mon chér.”
If possible Gomez’s smile widened even more. He began kissing up and down her arm with renewed passion.
“It’s a boy!” Granny announced. She took a towel to clean the unusually thick layers of fluid off the male baby. What she found beneath made her scream, almost dropping the baby if Wednesday hadn’t been there to catch it.
“What is it?” Morticia asked with fright. Oh dear Hecate let this child not be…
Wednesday’s eyes bulged as she stared down at the… infant. It was disgusting. She wanted to just drop it right there but the usual knowledge shinning in the infant’s eyes as it stared back at her made her relax a little. Somehow, its skin was a healthy shade of pink and not the paler her siblings and herself had been born with, its hair was too normal a shade of dark brown, and its very manner except from those intelligent eyes screamed it was far too normal.
“My poor, poor son,” Gomez exclaimed as he reached hesitantly forward to take the ugly creature from his lovely daughter’s arms. He turned back to Morticia and said, “Do not worry, my love. We will find a way to fix this. He is an Addams after all, just look at those wide open eyes. We might be raising the next Addams cannibal!”
“He’s too normal. I can almost smell it on him,” Granny spat out in disgust. “His eyes show a little too much intelligence, yes, but mark my words that boy will have no mental issues. He will love playing in the sun and will probably hate our games. Don’t allow him to corrupt young Pubert.”
“Hush, Grandmamma,” Morticia commanded. “Gomez is right. This is our son, we will fix him.”
They tried and tried for years to help their son rid himself of the horrible affliction known as normality. While the boy loved his family, Granny was proven right. Puck refused to dig in the cemetery for ‘wake the dead’ with his brother Pubert or play death row. He played soccer instead of dodge the landmines and went swimming in ‘clean’ water instead of playing the crocodiles in the swamp. He was growing up tan and muscular and disgustingly normal.
However, thankfully Puck was showing some signs of mental instability. He kept talking about some blonde vampire he was seeing in his dreams. And from the time he was eight, the year Wednesday graduated from her university with a ‘Goth boy’ mate, he was describing in graphic detail the sex the ‘adult him’ and this blonde guy were having in said dreams. This out of all the other things unnerved his sister’s mate so much they had to tie him up to stop him from leaving before Wednesday was ‘finished with him.’ Nine months later, the man disappeared and Wednesday gave birth to twin red haired versions of herself.
When he was fifteen, his blonde started to vamp out in his dreams. He called him ‘Xander.’ God,what a weird name. At fifteen, Puck or Xander (as Pubert had taken to calling him after he told his family about his dream the next morning) had also began to exhibit some great fashion sense that thrilled his father. While his siblings preferred black and white, Puck wore loud and awfully mismatched colors specially tailored to him like Gomez although his were usually ‘Hawaiian shirts.’ When he saw how happy his family was with this and how differently they treated him, he began to try to fit in.
"It's worked Ticia," Gomez would exclaim while he watched his youngest son crash model trains with pure glee a week after he ordered a replica of his father's suit to wear. "I think he is starting to act like an Addams." Over the next two years, Puck allowed his skin to grow pale.
When he was seventeen, he delighted his family even further with his choice in school. Wednesday's alma mater at the hellmouth.