Title A Day In San Francisco
Characters Buffy, Willow, Xander, Lily, Charlie, Sophie, Abby
A/N A thought I've been obsessed with is to send the Scoobies to the San Francisco in the books by Christopher Moore. A Dirty Job, Bloodsucking Fiends, and You Suck are all highly recommended by me. But this just focuses on the A Dirty Job cast. There's not much background that you need. But it should be important to note the girl Abby Normal (Who I don't call her by name) was told in the book "You Suck" that Buffy does not exist.
Disclaimer: I own neither BTVS or A Dirty Job
Takes place very shortly after "Chosen"
“ ‘Reports of bizarre activity coming from San Francisco?’” Xander kicked an empty can on the street as the three Scoobies made their way down the busy streets. “It’s –San Francisco- everything is bizarre here.” He complained.
“It’s more than that, got a tip off that there’s a bizarre concentration of lost soul thingies here, and there’s this guy, we don’t know much about him, but he calls himself a death merchant… sounds bad...” Buffy said.
Willow walked slightly ahead of Buffy and Xander looking at each storefront with a kind of scrutiny. “Oh come on, it’s kinda fun. Doing some roaming demon fighting for a while, going where we’re needed. It’s like a road trip!”
“No, see, road trips should be all about fast food and cheap motels. Not smelly hobos that talk to dogs.” Xander complained.
“That was the Emperor,” Willow said, her encyclopedic knowledge shining through, “He patrols the towns with his soldiers, Bummer and Lazarus. Show a little respect.”
“Emperor or not, he’s a smelly hobo.” Xander complained.
“Ever wonder why there’s particularly high concentrations of evil in California? Sunnydale aside- Los Angeles, San Francisco, I hear there’s this little town called Pine Cove up a ways that’s had a few demon and zombie run ins.” Buffy said, lost in her pondering, “I mean Cleveland has a Hellmouth, so why isn’t there mass evil in… like Oberlin or something.”
“I’m surprised you know Oberlin exists.” Willow commented.
“I’m not that stupid, I know things. And… my aunt Arlene suggested it during my mom’s “College in Elsewhere” phase.” Buffy said.
“This is it,” Willow said, stopping in front of a store. The sign proclaimed it to be Asher’s Secondhand. “I’m getting serious mojo vibes.”
After a few moments of hesitation, Buffy stepped forward and opened the door. The store had looked so normal from the outside and inside was mostly normal, racks of old clothing and shelves filled with old knick-knacks. On either side of the cashier’s counter stood two excessively goth girls dressed in, in Buffy’s opinion, more PVC than should be legal. One girl had an employee nametag proclaiming her name to be Lily. Also, toddling around was a infant girl, probably no older than three, playing with a bunch of what appeared to be reanimated roadkill.
Upon hearing the bell signifying an entering customer, the two girls looked up. The purple haired employee spoke, “Welcome to Asher’s Secondhand- family owned by bourgeoisie douche waffles for over thirty years.”
“Um… hi” Buffy said, not really sure how to answer such a bizarre greeting, and feeling excessively less comfortable noting that the other girl was staring at her with her jaw completely slack. “We’re here to see the owner, right guys?”
She turned to look at her friends, but Willow and Xander were both already preoccupied. Willow was fixated on a shelf of objects with a sign- DO NOT SELL OR DISPLAY. She held her hand over each object, a look of extreme confusion on her face.
The tiny girl, who was currently holding a small creature that looked to be part chipmunk, part ferret, and part pigeon in her arms, had accosted Xander, and was showing it off proudly to him. He smiled through his confusion and squatted down to eye level with her.
Lily turned and shouted over her shoulder, “CHARLIE! WE HAVE TOURISTS!”
Buffy cringed at the sound, “Alrighty then.” She began to back away slowly.
About half a minute later a tall skinny man appeared from the doorway behind the counter. His attentions went first to Xander and the little girl. “Oh Sophie,” he said rushing over and scooping her up into his arms, “Let’s not bother the customers.”
“Ah, she wasn’t a bother.” Xander said, standing back up and waving it off. “She’s a cutie.”
Charlie beamed, “So what can I help you with today?”
“Actually, Mr… Asher? We’ve got some reports about you.” Buffy said.
“These.... things,” Willow said unsure how to qualify the collection of Converses, porcelain boxes, watches, and other odds and ends. “They feel… like there’s something in there.” She turned to Charlie, “Like they are alive. They have souls… and they are waiting to be released.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow and looked at the nerdy man who was looking incredibly uncomfortable, “Care to tell us what that’s about? What, do you steal souls? Is that what a Death Merchant does?” She circled him like a vulture, arms crossed over her chest.
“Not again,” Charlie groaned. “It’s complicated. When a person dies, their soul is left behind in their most treasured items. It’s my job to keep the souls safe, and if required, move them to their next life, put them in the right body. To me, that object appears to glow red, it’s how I know.” Buffy didn’t look like she was buying it. Desperate to prove his point, Asher looked at Xander, “It looks like you lost a loved one recently… do you have any idea where her soul might be?”
Xander paused in thought. “Something from the Magic Box? Her ATM Card?” He looked over at Willow, who apparently had been doing some thinking of her own, but there was a sadness that reminded him, “Whatever it is... it’s buried under a thousand tons of Sunnydale.”
“Oh the earthquake… I heard about that, I’m so sorry.” Charlie said.
“Well… thing check out.” Buffy said disappointed she didn’t get to kick any butt, “Stay out of trouble. I’m gonna kill Giles for this one. Come on, let’s go.” Perkiness found it’s way back to her voice, “We can finally find a mall.”
As the three filed out of the store, the gawking girl finally spoke, “I knew she was real.”
Though right now, if Charlie could see under the ruins of the Hellmouth he’d see many things glowing. Among them would be an engagement ring and a rare Doll’s Eye Crystal.