Authors Note: Taking place after season 7 of an alternate Buffyverse and during Harry’s 5th year, strange things are afoot. We do not own any of the characters from Marvel, Harry Potter or BTVS that are featured here. Also thanks to kisen for betaing the chapter.
Professor Dumbledore sighed silently to himself as Dolores Umbridge ah-hemed once again. Stepping aside to let Fudge’s spy take the podium to talk, she prattled on to the students of Hogwarts who were obviously starting to get bored and restless which was being ignored by Umbridge, herself. Stifling a yawn himself he listened to her babble on about old traditions and not liking the new ways of teaching, now he was only…
The door at the end of the long dinner room slammed open abruptly silencing Umbridge as all eyes turned towards it. Standing there was a dark haired young man about twenty-three. Wearing the least conservative attire a person could wear in Hogwarts, a white shirt, the holey jeans and red sneakers; the black haired male rushed in.
“Sorry, whoops, coming through. Sorry I’m late…got held up at customs, jeeze, I mean you know, I thought they only strip searched people in jokes…” Some of the muggle born students cracked a smile, while most of the others watched on in confusion. Vaulting the teachers table and then falling on the other side, his head popped up still maintaining the same off balance grin. Dumbledore watched in amused silence as Umbridge finally recovered her voice.
“Ah-hem, excuse me young man. I don’t know who you are, but you’ve inter-“
“Oh phew classes didn’t start; thank god I thought I was a day late…”
Obviously, every time Dolores tried to get a word in edge wise she seemed to be cut off constantly by the dark haired youth. Albus decided to take matters into his own hands.
“Students, I forgot to mention, we have a special treat. Since we had an opening in Muggle studies we decided to take on an…interesting exchange teacher. Mr. Alexander Harris.”
One Month Ago
The Purple cloaked professor knocked on the door to the apartment in Cleveland. Opening it, Xander Harris grunted.
“No, I DO NOT do parties. Jeeze…”
“What? No! I don’t strip anymore either!”
“Huh, …How much extra…What am I saying…No!”
Dumbledore smiled as he looked at the man. An amulet hung around his waist as some sort of belt buckle. He wore a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a white wife-beater t-shirt. He was shoeless. The room was obviously his living room styled in an early demolition motif. On the walls were pictures of several friends and one in particular he noticed right away. A dark haired slightly graying handsome man with a goatee wearing a blue shirt and a cloak of red and blue, his eyes seemed to dance to a joke not yet told.
Xander finishing his call turned to the older guy saying, “Yeah what can I do for yah?”
“Oh no. Mr. Harris, I have needs of your real magical abilities. I believe…”
Xander’s palm rises, silencing the confused old man and he reaches into his pocket again pulling out his cell phone. Pressing one number he waits and responds “Very funny Faith how much did ya pay the nice old guy? Hey you’re the one that paid for that Hooter’s girl…What do ya mean…Oh, okay…I’m sorry, but I was in the can at the time…So this isn’t your doin’. But remember if I find out otherwise that can of hairspray you apply everyday will be a can of pink spray…Bye.”
Facing the white haired older man, he took in the black suit and bow tie on the white shirt with the black loafers and said, “Sorry about that, but I had to make sure.”
“Albus, Albus Dumbledore, pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m here looking for a very special person, a Sorcerer of untold power and I believe he is you.”
“Okay, go on.”
The professor pulls out a sheet of a paper reading from it….
“You’ve dealt with the dark arts before? Stopped…at least three apocalypses…know that slayers exist?”
“Seriously? Well this could also mean you’re a bit crazy, I mean, you’re wearing a purple robe over a nice dark suit, are you, like, okay in the head?”
“Well, I have been known for my eccentricities, but I am just as sane as you are, the bearer of the eye of Agamotto, though I thought it was to be hung around your neck with an unbreakable chain…hmmm ”
Xander flushes red and then grins.
“FINALLY, at least that proves you’re in the know about magic and all that jazz, what can I do for you…”
The white bearded wizard walks around, a smile in his eyes and then seemed to catch the portrait of the man winking at him, but when he looked at it…nothing. Shaking his head he turns and says, ”Have you ever thought of adding teaching to your resume….”
Agatha Hersy, a pureblood Ravenclaw in her 5th year had no idea what to expect when entering the Muggle Studies class room. Professor Harris was the talk of the school, even overshadowing that Umbridge woman from the Ministry. The red head was often accused have having some relation to the Weasleys even though their families have never intermingled as of yet.
Entering the class, she was a bit taken back by the fact Professor Harris was there, sitting in his seat…snoring and wearing something a bit more conservative, jeans and a t-shirt with sneakers. The students mumbled amongst themselves before one of them, a Hufflepuff, she couldn’t remember his name walked down and tried to wake the sleeping American Wizard.
“Wha huh err umm…heh everyone here…sorry I guess it doesn’t matter whether I’m a student or a teacher I still sleep in class. Ah well, I’m Xander Harris. And no don’t call me professor, makes me sound like someone old and cranky. Now then…”
He claps his hands together…
“Today we’ll be learning…”
People begin to get out their quills and papers as Xander stops…
“Umm what are you doing?”
They stopped a bit confused so Agatha decided to speak up.
“Mr. Harris, we’re just getting ready to take notes…”
“BUT YOU’RE USING FEATHERS!!!”
They stop and look around confused about the problem with their quills.
“Okay look….” He goes to his desk and picks up a long skinny looking item. “This is a pen, a Muggle pen, it has ink in it. No need for feathers or those little toilet bowls of ink, Muggles like, completely passed those. Here I have plenty of them…”
Professor Harris started to pass them out. Trying them the students saw the ease to which the pens worked much preferable to the quill and ink pot.
“Just a warning, the ink sometimes leaks out usually in your shirt pockets, but hey you have those cloacky things on so you can always cover it up, so…umm our first topic.
The class continued as strangely as it started. They were learning a bit of the Muggle history of the world instead of the usual magical history told by the boring old ghost down the hall, and this time, it was actually pretty interesting.
As the class was dismissed she began to hear Professor Harris talk to himself…
“Professor Harris, jeeze, just kill me. Maybe I can call myself Doctor…YES… Stephen… I KNOW I don’t have a degree like you but come on. I’m never going to call Giles G-man again... Oh who am I kidding of course I am, but if I ever start wearing tweed, I want you to dimensionally port over and kill me…What do you mean with pleasure…Yes of course I know she’s still here”
Turning towards her he says, “Agatha better get a move on you’ll be late for your next class.”
News of the new teacher’s…different ways about him were beginning to spread over the school, but right now Harry Potter couldn’t care less. Clutching his hand after the horrible detention with Umbridge he was in a rush to get back to his room, anger quietly seething inside him.
Not watching his steps he accidentally ran into Professor Harris.
“Whoa, hey you okay there? I must not have seen where I was going…”
“Umm no professor…” Harry tried to cover his hand with his cloak, He didn’t want the Professors to know and give Umbridge the satisfaction…
“It’s my fault.”
“Ah no harm done…hey aren’t you the Harry Potty kid I heard about?”
This took Harry back a bit. Usually people he just met knew him in some shape or form, for good or bad. This guy however had no idea who he was or what he’s done, he even got his name wrong.
“No Professor Harris, It’s ummm, Potter. Harry Potter.”
“Oh right, right. Sorry, new here but you already know that. Xander Harris, not professor. That makes me sound like I should be on a second hip using a cane.”
Xander walked with Harry a ways to his dorm room.
“So, you look sorta down dude, what’s up?”
Harry looked at Xander. Beneath the smile it seemed the “goofy” new teacher was smarter and more in the know then most of the others had given him credit for. Xander saw right through his façade.
“Just had a detention with Umbridge…”
“Oh for what?”
He stopped and sighed, looking straight into Xander’s eyes. “Telling the truth. Voldemort came back last year.”
He was waiting for a reaction. He currently had two prevailing ones, one where he was being treated as a liar and the other where people were just scared. Xander, however came up with a third.
“Ah right, Voldywart came back. Yeah, Albus gave me the heads up on the big bad. Listen, don’t let Mrs. Snyder…”
“Oh right, Umbridge, sorry she reminds me of an old principal of mine. Except….Pinker…which is actually more disturbing, but moving on. You can’t let short pink, and ugly get to you. You have more allies then you know. Put trust in your friends, they’ll give you a hand.”
Xander smiles and pats him on the shoulder, waves to the fat lady, and takes his leave whistling. As Harry looked at the portrait of the fat woman, giving the password for it to slide open he had a strange thought. Had Xander realized about what she did to him…
Looking up from some papers, Dumbledore responds. “Come in.” The door slides open and Xander walks in.
“Ah Xander…I heard about your…exploits in muggle studies. It seems you are on the fast tract to becoming the favorite teacher this year, even though most of the students don’t take the course.
“Yeah well, it’s fun. I mean, I get to talk about normal stuff, I mean come on, and who doesn’t use an ink pen any more.”
“Yes, I do dare say we are sometimes too steeped in tradition, a fresh face definitely brightens up these moldy old castle halls. Tell me Xander…” He stands up to bring the American a cup of tea.
“How do you find our school.”
“Honestly, If I was in a place like this, I might actually have stayed awake during class…Or not. Schools just a school no matter where you are, I guess.”
He shrugs. “The kids are great, well at least I think, I don’t seem to have any of that Slytherin house in any of my classes so I can’t tell.”
Dumbledore nods, “Well most of the children in that house don’t seem to be under the impression their above Muggle studies, I’ve tried for years to get it mandatory for purebloods but…well things just don’t always work out.”
Studying the American youth Dumbledore’s smile drops. “So what’s the problem my friend.”
“Ms. Pinky seems to be under the impression students are…”
Dumbledore sighs. “I apologize Xander. Her…employment here isn’t something I decided. She was appointed to her position here by Fudge who…”
“So…a candy decided to put that bitch in control.”
A hint of a smile crossed Dumbledore’s lips. “I’m sorry. Cornileous Fudge is the minister of magic I told you about. He seemed to place her in the position at the last minute. He seems to think that by forcing his will onto me and Hogwarts, Voldemort will disappear.”
“Ah yeah, king of denial guy. Gotcha. Buuuuuuut…since the bitch isn’t really a part of the staff…mind if I declare war on her?”
A hint of a frown crossed the old wizards lips. “My dear boy, I don’t think as the head of this school that I should listen to this. I dare say Enough! I will not hear anymore of this, Ms Bit…umm…Umbridge is still a teacher here.”
“Ummm…yes sir I won’t…”
Before he finished Albus said with a smirk, “that of course doesn’t mean that having some innocent fun between the ranks is forbidden…”
Xander smiles and stands up, downing the cup as he starts to head out the door.
“Oh before you go Xander?”
He stops and turns around looking.
“Two questions? Could I have stopped you if I had tried?”
Xander gave quiet smile and said, “I fought a god one time a few years ago while I was still being trained by a guy named Strange at the time, and she lost. You tell me?”
Shivering Albus moved on asking, “What did you, pray tell, turn the tea into?”
Xander gave a sheepish grin. “I’m sorry Al, tea is just...not my cup and I had a hankering for a coke so…”
Dumbledore chuckled a bit and waved him off. Taking the cup he took a smell of the sugary drink left inside. Wondering how the man transformed it without any words of power?
“Hmm perhaps I should make a trip to a Muggle store tomorrow…”