Disclaimer: I own neither the JLU nor BtVS.
Xander looked around him blurrily, or rather looked below him blurrily, as he was currently on the ceiling.
The founding members of the JLA stared at the young man, who was sprawled out on the ceiling above the table where they held their weekly meetings.
“How did you get in here?!” demanded a certain dark cowled figure.
“This isn't my bedroom floor?”
“No, dude it’s the ceiling of our conference room,” the Flash replied, wondering how drunk you had to get to mistake one for the other.
Wonder Woman flung her magic lasso far too late to do anything aside from catch him around the waist as he slammed into the table.
Everyone winced at Xander's impromptu belly flop.
Xander gave out a muffled “Owww” as he rolled off the table and fell onto the floor the lasso tangling around his waist.
“Are you ok?” Superman asked.
“That depends, am I in the Watchtower and are you the JLA?” came the voice from the floor.
“Yes to both, now how did you get in here?” Batman demanded.
“Well it all started at a strip club in Oxnard...”
“Exploiting women to satisfy your own base lusts?” Wonder Woman interrupted.
“Hey, someone wearing an outfit that would fit in on stage isn't allowed to comment and for your information I wasn't a customer, I was a dancer and as far as base lusts goes, if you haven't had massive amounts of lesbian bondage sex I'll eat Batman's cooking,” Xander retorted wondering when he was going to wake up. His head felt bloated and he still felt halfway drunk.
A shocked silence filled the room as everyone froze in place, hoping that if they didn't make any movements she'd forget they were there.
Wonder Woman's response stunned everyone who hadn't considered what the social life of someone who lived on an island populated solely by un-aging young women would be like, IE everyone but Xander, who had spent countless hours with his best friend Jesse during their teenage years speculating on just that subject.
“What constitutes a massive amount?”
“If you have to ask, then you've already had it.”
“Which pisses you off more; the stripping or the stripping for the opposite sex?” Xander asked, still lying on the floor watching the room spin a little crankily.
“There's nothing wrong with stripping in a private setting for someone you care for. It’s just that the males I have seen that frequent such places are … lacking in base humanity.”
“You should see the women that frequent the male strip clubs, I haven't seen a lack of humanity just a serious lack of restraint.”
“I'll have to go to one before I can comment on that.”
“Ahem! We're getting off topic,” the Green Lantern interrupted gruffly.
“We had a topic?” Xander and Flash chimed in together.
“HOW.DID.YOU.GET.HERE?” Batman growled out.
“Well as I was saying, I was working as a stripper so I could get my car repaired – cuz the engine decided to drop out of it when one of the women ripped my g-string off with her teeth for some reason this prompted a rush on the stage and I was right in the middle of some interesting flash backs when a demon appeared and offered me a wish.”
“A demon offered you a wish?” Hawkgirl asked skeptically, glancing at his waist to ensure the lasso was still in place.
“Well yeah, personally I think she didn't like the idea of all those girls pawing at me when we'd just gone on a date a couple of weeks before.”
“You dated a demon?” Superman asked, wondering what had happened to the morals of his youth.
“She was human when I dated her, and it was just the one date! I took her to the Prom, she hadn't been human very long and I felt a bit sorry for her. Sure she was the patron saint of scorned women...”
“You dated Anyanka?!” Wonder Woman exclaimed.
“Yep, a good dancer, very pretty, but her conversational skills were still stuck in the Vengeance against all things male. So a lot of patience and a strong stomach was a must.”
“So what did you wish for?” Shyera spoke up, her wings fluttering a little as she leaned to the side and stared at the dark haired young man who seemed quite content to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling.
“Well you have to understand, I was in the middle of a panic attack at the time but me and some friends had talked about what we would wish for if we were ever granted one, and although this was a wish it was more of the monkey paw variety since a demon was granting it. But she did have a nice time on our date and said I was the least scum like male she'd ever met. So I figured I had about even odds of something good happening or ending up in hell being tormented for all eternity.”
Gasps and shudders met Xander's matter of fact announcement as the Capes around the table imagined the risks he'd took.
“She really said you were the least scum-like male she'd ever met?” Wonder woman asked intently.
“Yep,” Xander stated proudly. “And then she demanded a good night kiss and said she would like to stay and have me give her many orgasms, but she wasn't going to risk her newly acquired mortality on me and my friends ability to stop a demon ascension ritual.
“That sounds bad,” Flash said, unaware of just how big an understatement that actually was.
“Back to the topic at hand,” Batman growled out.
“Right,” Shyera agreed. “What exactly did you wish for?”
Batman suppressed a growl of frustration as the young man spoke up, “You have to understand that I was drunk at the time.”
“You were drunk and stripping?” the Green Lantern asked.
“Yep, see I was hired as a dishwasher, but one of the dancers broke a leg and there was no way I was going up there sober.”
“And the wish?” Superman asked, curious himself.
“A Buddhist walks into a Burger King and says...” Xander grinned and waited while everyone looked at each other in confusion.
The Flash being a natural joker figured it out first. “HOLY SHIT!”
Everyone stared at his uncharacteristic use of profanity.
“Sorry guys I mean... Well no, holy shit about covers it,” the Flash nodded meaningfully.
“Wash that a joke or are you serious?” Shyera asked, wondering if this was just some Earth cultural thing that didn't translate well.
“Both,” Flash and Xander answered at once, confusing everyone once more.
“What was it like?” the Flash asked, wonder and shock apparent in his voice.
“Do you remember when you first rode the lightning?”
“Like that, only more so.”
“I don't get it,” Superman voiced what everyone save the Flash was thinking.
“A Buddhist walks into a Burger King and says... make me one with everything,” Flash said.
Questions were fired from everyone but Flash let out an ear splitting whistle and everyone fell silent.
“Forget it, unless you've gone through it you can't understand. Trying to explain it is like trying to explain sight to a blind man... No it’s more like trying to describe virtual reality games to Helen Keller.”
“So you can't describe it at all?” Wonder Woman asked.
“Describe the un-describable?” Xander said. 'Maybe an analogy.' “It was like clinging to god's breast with her nipple in my mouth, listening to her giggle.”
Flash nodded thoughtfully a far off look in his eye. “Yeah that pretty much covers it.”
“What is it with men and breasts?” Hawkgirl grumbled rhetorically.
“Hey!” Xander complained, finally climbing off the floor and taking a chair between Hawkgirl and the Flash. “Everyone who's been one with at least one facet of reality raise your hand.”
The Flash and Xander both raised a hand and looked around the table.
Xander turned to the Flash. “What's the nature of reality?”
“An all encompassing warmth and softness that radiates love and fills a void you never knew existed.”
“Now doesn't that sound like a breast to you?!” Xander demanded.
The other male members of the JLA began to nod, but stopped at Shyera's glare and Wonder Woman just blushed and avoided eye contact.
The Flash was completely unrepentant. “What's the nature of reality?”
Xander grinned. “An indescribably beautiful and wonderful woman with indescribably perfect breasts, whose nipple I was glued to.”
“So reality is a woman and you decided to attach yourself to her nipple?!” Hawkgirl asked doubtfully.
“Not really,” Xander shrugged. “That’s just where I was pulled to when I passed the border of reality and ascended to the metaplane. I didn't plan on landing there, but I was pulled like an iron filing to a magnet.”
“So you're magnetically pulled toward breasts?” Hawkgirl said sarcastically.
Xander nodded “Yep, I can point out any pair in the room with my eyes closed, it’s like a sixth sense.”
“I find that hard to believe, lasso or not,” Green Lantern stated, his arms crossed across his chest.
“No, it’s true,” the Flash declared. “I can do the same thing. It’s a side effect of ascending reality.”
“Then why have you never mentioned it before?” the Dark Knight questioned, giving up and joining the conversation.
The Flash shrugged. “I've never had reason to before. Can you really think of a time when my ability to sense breasts would be mission critical?”
Batman being more literal minded than most computers, had a reply before the Flash could finish his question, “Search and rescue operations.”
The Flash shook his head. “It’s best to search an area for all survivors, unless you only care about the ones with breasts. I only use it after I run a standard search pattern.”
Batman snapped his fingers. “That's how you've managed to be more effective at search and rescue than the computer projections. You run a standard search pattern and if you haven't found anything you scan for breasts. If the size of the breasts is a factor, it also explains why you tend to save large breasted women first.”
Hawkgirl snickered, “Then he should be able to sense Power Girl anywhere on the planet.”
Xander and Flash tilted their heads to the side and their eyes lost focus.
“She's either taking a shower …” Flash's voice trailed off.
“... or she's having sex, from the way her breasts are moving,” Xander finished.
Superman turned his head for a moment before returning his gaze to the group. “Shower.”
“Did you just use your X-Ray vision to peep on Power Girl in the shower?” Wonder Woman asked, stunned.
Superman shrugged. “We needed to verify if what they said was true.” He seemed completely unfazed by his act of super lechery.
“And you're not worried that she'll beat ten tons of hell outta you for seeing her naked?” the Green Lantern asked.
Superman shook his head. “Of course not, she's Kryptonian.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Hawkgirl demanded.
“To a Kryptonian, pretty much everyone is naked most of the time,” Superman explained. “Our vision cycles through various modes when we're not concentrating on any one thing. It’s an involuntary reflex.”
“So that's why she keeps pinching my rear!” Flash exclaimed.
There was a lot of shifting in place as everyone realized they were all sort of involuntary nudists to the resident Kryptonians.
“Enough about nudity and sex,” Batman demanded while making a mental note to line his uniforms with lead. “HOW.DID.YOU.GET.HERE?”
“I thought you didn't want to talk about sex?” Xander asked.
Superman and Wonder Woman each put a hand on Batman's shoulder to keep him from leaping across the table at the slowly sobering teen.
“I think he means, how did you end up on the ceiling in the Watchtower, not how did you come into being,” Flash clarified amused at seeing Bats actually lose his cool.
“I was talking about how I got on the ceiling in here!” Xander protested. “Sex is involved.”
“You had sex with all of existence?” Wonder Woman asked eyes wide.
“Don't be ridiculous, she is so far out of my league it isn't funny. No, I had sex with one of her daughters.”
Wonder Woman had relaxed for a moment but was now back to being shocked.
“You had sex with a goddess?!” she exclaimed.
“No, I didn't have sex with a goddess,” Xander deliberately let her relax this time before continuing, her attitude getting on his nerves, “I had sex with a Personification which is as high above a goddess as a goddess is above a mortal.”
He found her stunned incoherence very satisfying.
“What’s a personification?” Flash asked.
“It’s a physical representation of a universal force. In this case, an absolutely gorgeous brunette called Gravity.” A dopey smile made an appearance on his face.
“You had sex with Gravity?” One of the Green Lantern's eyebrows crawled up his forehead.
“Yep, I was enjoying my time with existence or as you'd describe her ‘The Creator’. It’s not something anyone can do for long term, unless they're willing to give up their mortality, so we knew that my time with her would be short. My mind expanded enough to see various possible places to go, and I noticed Gravity was feeling a bit down so she sent me to her.”
“And you decided to cheer her up by having sex with her?” Batman asked.
“No, I told her jokes and got her talking and she decided we should go out dancing, which led to drinking, which led to sex, but as with existence, spending too much time that close to her would change me into something else. So she sent me home, or at least that was the idea, but my mind kinda wandered, which is how I ended up here,” Xander finished.
“So you got Gravity drunk, and had sex with her and in her drunken stupor she sent you to the wrong place?” Wonder Woman demanded.
Xander glared at her. “No, she got me drunk and seduced me, not that it was a hard thing to do for a woman of her beauty and personality. The alcohol was needed to dull my senses a bit so I could spend the amount of time needed for sex, without becoming a higher being. Sending me here was my fault not hers, because my mind wandered mid transport.”
Wonder Woman had the grace to look abashed. “Sorry, but it did sound bad.”
Xander's glare softened. “It only sounds bad if you consider Gravity a mortal woman with a mortal woman's limitations. Well that and buy into that men are always the sexual aggressor line, which I don't. Of course the reason I don't is that every time I've had sex I wasn't the aggressor, I was the aggressee and speaking as the aggressee I can say I heartily approve of their actions.”
“Well, now that that's settled,” Batman growled at what he perceived as an attack on a … friend, “how do we get you out of here?”
Xander shrugged. “Search me, personally the last 24 hours have been so unreal even for me that I'm pretty sure I'm just dreamin'. This isn't even my home universe but since I'm dreaming I figure I just have to wait until I wake up, and in the mean time I might as well say everything I've ever wanted to say to you guys after learning so much about you.”
Xander stood up and stretched before turning to Superman. “Lex needs to die, it’s either kill him or watch as he causes thousands of deaths repeatedly. Oh and don't believe anyone who claims to be his son, it’s just Lex in a clone body. Talk to the President and get permission if you need to, but killing him really would save tons of lives.”
Xander turned to Wonder Woman. “How does it feel to know your entire culture has become the very thing they hate? Don't believe me, fine what would you think if you ran across an island solely populated by males who killed any woman who set foot on it and preached about the evils of woman kind? As for this being ‘man's world’,” Xander made quote marks in the air with his fingers. “I was raised mostly by my mom, who told me what to do. I went to school where most my teachers were female, who told me what to do. I've spent most of the last three years fighting demons commanded by a Slayer, who told me what to do. If we look at ‘man’s world’ (again with the quote marks) we see a more sexually equal society than at any time in history. If we look at Paradise Island we see a society that killed off all the males and preaches how superior women are. Your society is even more evil and oppressive to the opposite sex than the oppressive culture it sprang from.”
Not letting her respond he quickly turned to the Green Lantern. “Get the stick out of your ass and study graphic design, just because you're a hero doesn't mean you have to be a nice guy, but that attitude of yours is really pushing it.”
Having seen Xander make two blitz attacks and move on Green Lantern was prepared to catch him. “And the graphic design?”
“Your ring is powered by four things; the battery you can't improve, the faith you have in your oath is already pretty damn impressive, your willpower is also about as good as it gets, your ability to visualize and design things on the fly however can be improved. I'd suggest watching more cartoons as well, but I dunno if you're mentally flexible enough to get anything out of it.”
Xander moved on to his next victim while the Green Lantern stroked his chin. “If you have a future with the bald guy with the ring it'll happen, but it won’t happen for at least a decade. So let go of the jealousy and anger and move on, it’s turning you into someone who neither one of you likes.”
Turning to Batman he grinned, and it wasn't a nice grin. “And last but not least, the Caped Cuckoo – I'd suggest therapy and a heavy Thorazine regiment, but that would blunt your edge and you are needed as you are. You are one of the most pathologically driven people in existence. Of course, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but I felt like saying it. You are a bigger asshole than GL over there, but in your case it actually is a mental condition that would require medication to treat – and like I said you're needed the way you are. The only thing I can really say is that you need to treat the people you care for a bit differently; they have the right to fight and die for what they believe in, just like you do, but they'll never have the drive you do and letting them know how proud you are of them once in a while won't blunt their edge, it'll increase their drives a bit and make their lives a bit brighter.”
Batman's face was impassive. “Is that all?”
Xander scratched his side. “Kill the Joker before he adds any more children to his list of victims. If you can't do that, may I suggest a pre-frontal lobotomy to calm him down?”
Batman nodded. “Noted.” and Xander knew he was actually considering what he'd been told.
“Hey what about me?!” Flash protested.
Xander just grinned. “You're already doing great. You work hard, make time for all the normal people in your home town and do your best to keep everyone's spirits up, come what may. What more can anyone ask for? I'd say be a little less impulsive, but for someone who became one with acceleration you're already doing an impressive job on that. So, really all I can say is keep up the good work. Oh, and try and flirt with Hawkgirl a bit more, she's way too gloomy.”
“Hey!” Hawkgirl protested, her feathers actually ruffling. “I don't need anyone ordered to flirt with me.”
“It’s true,” the Flash chimed in, “between her looks and her way with a mace, if she couldn't fly she'd be mobbed by fan boys.” The covert thumbs up he flashed Xander was only caught by Superman who suppressed a grin.
Xander blinked and looked thoughtful for a second. “You're right, I should have guessed it, but I'm too used to Buffy complaining about men who can't appreciate a strong woman that I forget how many of us actually prefer them.”
Hawkgirl's feathers smoothed out as she leaned back with a small smirk on her face.
Batman took in the entire setup without a flicker of emotion to give him away. “Since you're dreaming and none of this matters – how about telling us something that we'd not find out normally?”
As much as he detested magic, Batman knew Wonder Woman's lasso was an effective tool and this strange individual seemed to know a lot about them, and his ideas so far … had merit. If there was a chance to give them a bit more of an edge, he'd take it.
Xander shrugged thinking 'What the hell?' “Supes, I'd really suggest studying magic because even if you find you can't use spells, you can always find a way to use magic to protect you from magic and maybe even from green glowing rocks. Of course before you get into that, see about some mental protection so Darkseid can't make you his bitch again.”
“Wonder Woman... spend more time with Batman and see if you can get him to relax a bit. If nothing else he'll be able to educate you on modern crime solving techniques. The exercise in futility will help you learn to control your temper.”
“Hawkgirl the mace and flight thing is nice, but you should know enough about your people's tech to add a distance weapon of the non-lethal variety and a donation of a little advanced medical knowledge will also help convince the common man you're on his side.”
“GL you also have access to advanced tech via the Corps. I'd suggest terraforming Mars as a hobby and claiming you're renaming it Bob when you're done. A little unpredictability is a great asset in battle and a sense of humor can really make people underestimate you, for some strange reason.”
“Batsy I'd suggest studying magic as well, or at least shamanism. You're claimed by the bat totem, which is why you're supernaturally sneaky and even Supes doesn't hear you coming half the time. Echolocation just doesn't work against Bat's avatar. If you really want to add some unusual skills, hunt down Lamont Cranston, he'll be in a Buddhist temple somewhere talking to an ancient kid.”
“Flash, you're gifted with the power of acceleration – which means stopping things as well as making things move very fast. I'm not sure about the vibrating through solid matter bit, but it's worth a try.”
“Is that all?” Batman asked, having already written down everything Xander said and thought of several ways of tracking Cranston down.
Xander shrugged. “Tell Lois who Supes is, so he'll get married and settle down some time this decade. Alfred has some rare disease, so I'd suggest either dropping him in a Lazarus Pit or having a Kryptonian donate some blood for him and then drop him on a nude beach to soak up some rays.”
“And that will cure him?” Batman demanded, a hint of something in his voice that not even Superman could identify.
“Probably, humans are one of the most mutable races in the universe. There are side effects to either method, but nothing I remember from the higher plane offers a better shot.”
“What kind of side effects?” Batman was all business as he questioned Xander putting aside emotional issues so he could figure out the best way to help a man who was like a father to him.
“Well if you use Supes blood, there's a good chance he'll develop a weaker copy of Kryptonian abilities. If you drop him in the Lazarus Pit there's a good chance he'll wind up decades younger with a mild case of megalomania.”
“And if I do both?”
“If you plan on doing both, use the Pit first so there's no chance the Kryptonian powers will interfere with things. If you do both there's a better than even chance Alfred will take over the world. I don't mean by violent overthrow either. There is a saying – if one wants to be a great leader, he must first learn to follow. Alfred as a man in his prime would make one hell of a charismatic leader; add a touch of megalomania to give him the desire to lead and a bit of Kryptonian power to keep him from getting killed by corrupt officials and increase his productivity and people will all but worship him. Personally I can think of worse fates. So if he enters politics, I'll work on his campaign. If I was actually here that is.”
“Cool, he's got my vote.” Flash grinned. Having a competent politician in charge of the world would certainly make their jobs easier.
Batman sat deep in thought as his coworkers began discussing campaign platforms and possible slogans.
'Alfred for President?' AN: Wrote this for fun, but decided I made Xander too much of a Stu and bashed Wonder Woman too much to actually make a story out of it. The idea was that Xander ended up with power over gravity in much the same way the Flash had power over acceleration.
AN2: Everyone thank Godogma for typing this up for me so I couldn’t procrastinate anymore!