Here There Be Scoobies
Dislaimer: *pouts* Like I needed to be reminded that I don't own House, M.D. or BtVS. Just borrowin' the characters for a bit. Promise to put them back with nary a scratch or bruise.
A/N: This is my first crossover, so if it sucks...I'm so blaming the computer. Stupid new-fangled machine musta garbled my writing! Feedback is always welcome (especially if you spot an error, please and thank you)!
Dr. Gregory House had just gotten out of the tub when he heard yelling outside of his apartment. He moved aside his blinds and peeked out to see a man with an eye patch holding a box, heatedly yelling at another, smaller man, who was holding a video camera. The smaller man stomped his foot and yelled something back before whirling around angrily and stomping away with a pout on his face. The man with the eye patch rolled his eye and turned towards what had been an empty apartment for several years.
House snorted to himself. Ooh, fun. New neighbors, he thought before turning around to go find something clean to wear.
Dressed in jeans and an old Led Zeppelin t-shirt under his motorcycle jacket, House went outside, locking his door behind him. His head whipped around at the sound of yelling.
“Seriously, if ya don't stop with that video camera and the stupid quotes I will punch your face in! I am not shittin’ ya, man!” an irate looking woman said. She held a large box up with one hand and was holding a sword with the other. Her face looked annoyed, but her hands showed control. She could probably use that sword on this guy, but she wouldn’t.
“Faith, we need him unloading boxes, not bleeding,” said the man with the eye patch who’d been yelling before, eyeing the sword in the female’s hand. He was pretty young, maybe in his twenties. The eye patch was a curious thing for someone too young to have been in the army long enough to get it. The smaller man from before was standing there with a small box and the video camera still in his hand. His eyes were wide and he was eyeing the sword as well. If this guy was that afraid of her, there was a good chance she could use the sword.
The woman called Faith didn’t look appeased. “Technically, he could do both,” she snarled and glared at the smaller man once more, before walking into the apartment across the way.
The man with the eye patch sighed. “Andrew,” he said, looking at the smaller guy, “put the camera down, stop quoting Lord of the Rings, and start helping a little more unless you want me to beat you with a sack of doorknobs. Capiche?”
The Andrew guy nodded and turned the camera off, sullenly following Faith into the apartment.
With a defeated groan, the guy with the eye patch turned and was startled to find House looking at him. “Um, hi,” he said and gave a little finger wave before darting after Andrew into the house.
House smirked. This might be fun after all.
When House got back it was sometime around midnight, and his new neighbors were sitting outside their apartment. They’d grown in numbers since he’d left. There was now a tall, blonde man wearing a trench coat and red-headed woman who was sitting in Faith’s lap. Andrew once again had his camera out, but no one seemed to mind now. At the moment it was focused on the pirate guy, and he was talking animatedly, his hands moving as he told the camera a story.
House was so distracted watching the small group that he was startled when a voice behind him said, “Hey, new neighbor.”
Startled for the second time in one day, House turned to see a smiling brunette. She was young, probably barely out of high school. “You belong to that weapon-happy group?” he asked, jerking his thumb in the direction of the apartment across from his.
“Yep. That’s my slightly deranged, weapon-happy family. Uh, the guy with the video camera is Andrew, probably the most annoying person you’ll ever meet. And the blonde guy, that’s Spike. The two girls are Faith and Willow’s the one sitting on Faith’s lap. The other guy is Xander; I wouldn’t ask him about the eye, he probably won’t give you a straight answer anyway. And I’m Dawn,” she told him.
House looked back and forth between the group of adults and Dawn. “Family. Right,” he said skeptically. He was hoping she’d fill in the blanks if he riled her. He was curious. One of the women could probably use a sword and the Xander guy had an eye patch that apparently he didn’t like to talk about. And none of them looked anything alike or shared any traits. He would bet that none of them were related biologically.
Dawn only smiled wider and shrugged. “They’re as close to a family as I’ve ever had. Wouldn’t trade ‘em for all the biological family in the world. Not even Andrew, who most of us have wanted to kill at one time or another.”
House’s eyes narrowed. She knew what he was doing. What kind of teenager is this, he thought. “So you wouldn’t happen to want to tell me about Xander’s missing eye, would you?” he tried, using a direct approach.
Dawn’s face suddenly closed off and the smile was gone. “I better get back to them or else they might think I’ve been kidnapped.” Her smile was there again. “After all, it is a Tuesday,” she said as if it should mean something, before walking away and ignoring his question.
House smirked. Secrets. Whoever these people are, they’re hiding something. They have secrets, he thought, as he got off his bike and went into his apartment.
House was pretty much not surprised to be wakened by shouting. These people seemed to shout a lot. Slowly, House pulled himself upright and popped two vicodin. When the pain had abated some, House got out of bed and padded into the living room. He opened his door to find Faith and Pirate Guy sparring and Dawn looking on. She looked up smiling and waved at him. House’s eyes narrowed.
Before House could say anything though, a rumpled looking red-head stuck her head out of a window and yelled, “Is it necessary for you to practice at this god-awful hour, Faith?”
Neither Faith nor Xander stopped, but Faith smiled and yelled, “If I wanna stay in shape, s’totally necessary, Wills.” She then did some complicated maneuver that left Xander without a sword and her’s pointed at his heart. “But I’m finished now,” she said and looked up at Willow.
House couldn’t see Faith’s face, but Willow’s face softened and he was almost positive her eyes were dilated. Willow stepped back further into the room crooking a finger and Faith, with an unusual show of athleticism, jumped through the window, turning to shut it behind her.
House looked back down at Dawn who was rolling her eyes and making a “gag me” gesture with her finger and mouth at Xander, who was grinning.
“She just jumped through that window,” House said.
Xander looked up. “She’s in really good shape,” he said.
Dawn was smiling. “He wants to know what happened to your eye,” she said to Xander.
“Is that so?” Xander didn’t look pissed like House would have guessed. “Well it just so happens that I want to know what happened to his leg.”
House’s eyes narrowed. “Really bad charlie horse.”
Xander smiled. “Bb gun accident.”
Scowling, House stomped back into his house, Dawn’s light giggle following him.
House was leaving his apartment for work, when he was ambushed by the teenager.
“We’re having a sorta fiesta type thing tomorrow and Xander made me come over here and ask you if you wanted to hang with us,” she said cheerfully, as she bounced up to him.
House narrowed his eyes at her. “You guys don’t even know my name yet.”
“You’re Doctor House,” she told him smugly.
House smirked. “So you know how to use Google; color me impressed,” he said sarcastically.
“Actually, Willow’s the computer nerd and she’s eternally curious, hence the creepy knowing of your full name, Gregory John House, your birth date, June 11, 1959, and your social security number, 295-13-7865. Oh, and that you’re an army brat which means you probably hate your father, although, seriously, I totally understand where you’re coming from with that one. My sister could be such a militant ape sometimes. All, no boys, no slaying, no shoplifting, blah, blah, blah. I don’t shoplift anymore. Totally over my klepto phase. So not worth the insane dancing and singing and young bride-ness that can occur in extreme instances. So, fiesta? You game?” she finally ended.
House just stared at her. He had never seen someone with that kind of lung capacity before. It was unnatural and kind of annoying. And they had his social security number? Who are these people, he thought. Out-loud he said, “Um, I have to check my schedule,” before darting towards his bike as fast as was possible for fear that she’d start talking again if he didn’t get the hell out of here. He shoved his helmet on and started his motorcycle quickly, and then roared away.
It was raining when House was ready to leave, so he waited for 15 minutes for Wilson to be finished with a patient and then talked Wilson into driving him home and staying for chinese and The L Word.
When they pulled up, Xander was outside hammering away and Willow was sitting cross-legged on the lawn with her computer.
Willow looked up as they got out of the car and waved. “You coming to our house warming, or rather, apartment warming fiesta?” she asked excitedly. “You can bring your friend if you like. It’s fully casual, so bring a couple friends if you like.”
“But please remind anyone that you invite that pants are a requirement, not a polite suggestion,” Xander added with a grin.
“Right. That means we’ll have to leave Cuddy at home again. Shucks,” House joked to Wilson.
Wilson chuckled. “House didn’t tell me he had new neighbors. Is it just you two?” he asked politely.
“Oh no. They have a full house,” House answered the question. “Of nuts,” he said under his breath, but loud enough for Wilson, Willow, and Xander to hear.
Wilson shot a dirty look at his friend before turning back to Willow and Xander, who had gone back to hammering. “Excuse House, please. He has never quite grasped the concept of socially acceptable,” Wilson said.
Willow smiled. “Sorta sounds a lot like our Faith, although she’s gotten much better since she got out of jail,” she said.
Wilson wasn’t sure if she was joking or not. “Um, so Faith is another person you are living with?”
“Yeah and Dawnie, Spike, and Andrew as well. Dawnie is like a little sister to all of us. We sort of inherited Spike, and Andrew is…an annoying stray. But he bakes all sorts of yummy-ness, so we mostly forgive him,” she answered.
Wilson and House shared a look. “Um, wow. That is a full house,” he said and the little voice in his head (that sounded suspiciously like House) added, “Of nuts.”
Willow looked like she knew what he’d been thinking. “We’re all used to living together, so when one of us wants to move, the rest of us tend to go along for the ride. We’re actually short two Scoobies. Buffy, who’s Dawn’s actual sister and lives in Italy with her boyfriend, and Giles, our…father type. He’s busy rebuilding the company we all work for in England.”
Xander turned from whatever he was building looking serious for the first time since House had met him. “Don’t forget about Anya, Wills.” He looked really old, his remaining eye filled with a deep sorrow.
Willow looked up at him with sadness. “Never, Xander. None of us have forgotten Anya,” she reassured him. She looked up at House and Wilson. “Anya was our friend and Xander’s fiancé once upon a time. Never afraid to speak her mind or tell it like it was. She died saving Andrew,” she told them. She looked at Xander when she said, “We all miss her. Even Giles who positively wanted to strangle her most of the time.”
Xander smiled at Willow and once again went back to his hammering.
Wilson and House shared another look. These people were seriously strange. And therefore in House’s case, intriguing.
Before either could say anything, Faith sauntered out of the apartment and sat down next to Willow, planting one on her before looking up at House and Wilson, who was now staring incredulously.
“So what’s the what? Who’s the extra fella?” she asked.
Wilson managed to get his gaping under control and said, “I’m James Wilson. We were just discussing your, um, rather unique family.”
“Is thatta nice way of sayin’ ya think we’re all a buncha crazies?” Faith asked, sounding more amused than offended. Wilson blushed and House smirked. “‘Cause, ya know, it’s not much of a secret that we all escaped from the Cuckoo’s Nest otherwise known as Sunnydale. Pretty much guarantees that we’re all a few fries short of a Happy Meal.”
“Sunnydale?” House asked. The name triggered something in his memory, but he couldn’t quite recall where he’d heard it before.
“Yeah, ya know, The Crater Formerly Known As Sunnydale. Whole city had a hissy fit of an earthquake and fell in on itself,” Faith helpfully supplied.
Ahhh, House thought. The little city in California that had just vanished into a hole. The scientists had been flummoxed. “You all lived there?”
Willow nodded. “Xander and I lived there from birth. Faith, Buffy, Dawn, and Giles showed up around the time that we were in high school. Spike’s was in and out since about that time as well. Although come to think of it, Faith was rather in and out as well. Anyways, Anya showed up about the same time we graduated and our school was blown up. Later we all just moved in together when Buffy and Dawn’s mother died. Andrew didn’t show up until later, a little while before Sunnydale became a crater.”
“Actually,” Xander said smiling, “Andrew was more of a hostage than our little stray baking machine at first.”
“Hostage?” Wilson said, alarmed at the thought that these people had kidnapped someone.
“Don’t get yer panties in a twist. He’s no saint. Fits in perfectly with this crowd,” Faith said.
Willow grinned and looking at Xander, said, “Remember when you and Anya tried to play good-cop-bad-cop to interrogate him?”
Xander smiled fondly at the memory.
“Interrogate him about what?” House asked, while Wilson could only gape.
It was Willow’s turn to look old and sorrow-filled. “He was part of a group of people that were causing really bad things to happen. One of his…associates shot Buffy and my lover, Tara. Tara died.”
Faith wrapped an arm around Willow and glared at House as if he’d done it on purpose. “Wills, why don’t we go inside and see what Andrew is making for dinner?” she coaxed.
Willow nodded and shut her computer before standing up. “Um, it was nice to meet you two,” she said and smiled weakly. “Hopefully we’ll see you at our little fiesta tomorrow.”
Once Willow and Faith were inside the house, Xander turned to face the two men. “Look, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know about Tara, so none of us blame you – well, except Faith, but she’s not a rational creature and she’ll be over it as soon as she gets Willow smiling again. We really would like both of you to come to our apartment warming fiesta. Food, booze, cake, possibly violence – what more could you ask for? So you in?”
House nodded, shocking Wilson, although he supposed he really shouldn’t be so surprised. House would never turn down an opportunity to drink, eat free food, or try to solve a puzzle, and this party involved all three. “We’ll be there, as will my Ducklings.”
“Ducks?” Xander asked. “Not that we having anything against animals, totally with the animal loving here, not in that way – uh, I mean… I’m going to shut up now before I dig a hole I can’t climb out of.”
House smirked and Wilson chuckled, saying, “It’s the nickname House gave his three fellows, Dr.’s Cameron, Chase, and Foreman. And we’ll definitely be there, with bells on.”
Xander smiled. “Right. You know, I’ve never understood that phrase, ‘with bells on’, but we’ll be happy to see you, bells or not.”
Wilson and House nodded and then turned and entered House’s apartment.
“So your neighbors are interesting,” Wilson deadpanned as soon as the door was shut behind him.
House smirked. “I have a feeling we don’t know how true that is. But we will.”
Wilson sighed. “Shoulda known. Others may see this as an opportunity to meet new people, but you see it as a shiny, new puzzle, complete with tragedy, unknown pasts, and beautiful women.”
House just continued to smirk.