Hello all, I’ve decided to do this somewhat like a recent Firefly story I read. I can’t remember the name up it, but it was at the top of Xander centered Firefly stories. Check it out, if you like Firefly.
Anyway, I can’t figure out how to do a months of a story, so I’ve decided to do this one somewhat differently. I’m going to make each for the following chapters a month. Now I don’t’ know a lot about New York, or it’s holidays and such, so I have to do this with what I know.
I do not own BtVS or G.B. they belong to Warner Brothers
Xander sat back in relative peace as he wrote up his report for the Watchers Council. He’d enjoyed this month okay after the first day.
I had finally gotten all of that damned sewage off of him. The ride home had been embracing since they’d made me sit on the hood, but he’d dealt with it, and hadn’t’ left the shower since. Walking into the kitchen, I took one of the six or so pieces of Pizza remaining and headed down stairs to watch his Saturday morning cartoons.
Of course that also had to be the day a bastard level three mischief Nymph showed up. I swear Janine still blushes when she sees me, how was I supposed to know that the nymph was female, I swear when it pulled my pants down and shoved me into her desk I should have known.
Luckily or maybe it’s righteous paranoia Janine scanned my boxers that were trying to strangle me and alerted the others before they succeeded.
I decided to keep the thing as a pet, I may have sent it to a certain dark haired Irish vamp, and it’s his own fault.
I decided after the previous day to keep my proton pack near me at all times. This turned out to be a good idea as Slimer escaped.
I now understand why Peter hates it.
An Iodine shower is unpleasant. An Iodine shower with another male is even more so. An Iodine shower, with another male, while the one responsible is laugh his floating green ass off is most unpleasant of all. I was minutes away from calling a priest I know to send the little spud to hell when Peter suggested I make up with the little creature.
So, I decided for the next few weeks he’s going to have an all vegetarian and soy diet.
That THAT, THAT LITTLE ONION HEAD. That’s it; I have had it up to my head and over it.
I could understand some pay back, and I deserved it.
BUT NO ONE STEALS MY TWINKIES!
I owe Willow a serious favor. I had her spell the little green snot bubbles “Cell” now not even an act of god would let him out of that cell. Four crystals, one in each end, create some kind of mystical barrier.
And now I understand why Dr. Venkman eats a candy bar in front of it at least once a day.
Next time the guys suggest I stay in, I’m going to take them up on it.
Apparently, going to the “Hen house” isn’t as much fun as I figured. It was an actual hen house, with 15 level 8 swarmers. Level 8 swarmers enter objects somewhat at random, and then try to hurt you with the objects, and it was a HEN HOUSE! Of course they were summoned by a level 15 free floating full torso apparition.
I swear, have you ever seen an egg flying at your face with the force of a shotgun blast, I’m covered in egg, from head to toe.
If I didn’t know better I’d swear Spike or Slimer were responsible. The onion head laughed at me as I delivered the court papers to Janine.
Oh yeah, instead of getting thanked, we’re getting sued. I like hanging out with the busters, but I swear to the gods if something fun doesn’t’ happen soon I’m going to I don’t even know.
Oh and of course while I was playing paintball with the highly painful eggs, the guys were getting the “Big” ghost. I wish I could have watched them more, but I was kind of busy. Afterwards I had to pick pieces of eggshell out of my body.
Today was a bad day. No, today w as a VERY bad day.
It all started with a nice quiet morning, and then as the day proceeded we got a call. It seemed there were a couple class three full torso apparitions.
Me and Doc. Venkman both went to the call site, and would you believe it was a strip club?
So we went in, proton streams primed no one but strippers there. It turned out the ghost report was a lie, but they needed some support so they hoped if word got out we’d been their they’d’ get more business.
They offered us free dances if we’d stay awhile, so me and Doc. V agreed.
I should have remembered my luck with women.
Fifteen minutes later, one of the strippers bit me HARD, and not in the way Faith likes. This was when I noticed my PKE meter had been separated from me, and it was going wild across the room.I kicked the woman off and grabbed my Walkie and yelled, “THEIR NOT NORMAL DOC. V.”
Suddenly I heard the sound of proton stream firing and yell of female pain. I ran forgetting my pants thinking Doc was in serious trouble. So I burst into the scene, me wearing only my Twinkie boxer’s, Doc. V. has one of the proton streams down one of the thing’s throat stream on full. Shortly after she exploded covering both of us in bright blue blood.
It turned out the real strippers had been eaten by six harpies and six succubus’s, Doc. V looked at me and said, “Where’s your pack?”
I realized THEN that my pack had been gone since I’d run in here. Opening the door I got about three feet before I realized I was surrounded by at least forty VERY pissed off looking females with glowing eyes. I did what any of “my girls” would expect me to do, I turned tail and ran faster than Road Runner, and I still barely got the door closed in time. Ten claws pierced it as I turned to doc and said, “It was in my room, but not useful now.”
Doc. V nodded as he said, “Too bad kid, I really don’t’ want to go out there by myself, even if I set my pack to Dark matter shock blast.”
I nodded, I’d seen the effect of that in some training, and it was similar to a shotgun except for ghosts and stuff. Suddenly I realized something, “Doc. I’ve been fighting physically since I can remember, the packs are nice but.”
I went over behind the private bar, and pulled out two bottles. Breaking them over the bar he said, “Let’s do it Doc.”
As Doc. V nodded and said, “Okay kid, let’s do this on three.”
At the same time me and him both yelled out “Three” and kicked the door outwards, yelling a battle cry.
Only for Dr. Stanz, Spengler, and Zeddmore to look at us like we were idiots.
Yeah that’s right, apparently when my panicked cry of “Their not normal Doc. V” were heard out loud, over ALL the G.B.’s radios. This means that for those of you not in the know they all arrived a minute later. I’d probably just ducked back inside when they’d arrived. I sighted dropped my bottles and said, “I’m going to go put my pants back on and get my equipment.”
Apparently according to Dr. Stanz “Peter, there’s a setting on the pack for more physical manifestations, it’s the dial right next to the power one, the more powerful the higher we turn it, since ten is over kill on ghosts, it’s for large golem type things, this is why you should study.”
I didn’t think it was possible. Willow said it ISN’T possible.
Somehow the little onion head escaped from his “Cell” again.
This time, he didn’t only steal my Twinkies. He also went back to the Sedgwick, and haunted it again. To say I was annoyed would be an understatement. I’d just gotten back from the “Strippers from hell” episode, barely gotten into bed, when I heard that stupid ass alarm.
So I got up, and went to get a Twinkie, and by gods they were all gone, the wrappers all around, and a mess of slime was present.
I knew then and there it was going to be a bad day.
And BOY was I right, five class five full torsos, eight class three slimers, two class four mucusizes, and of course Slimer himself.
I was drenched in head to toe slime. Imagine if you were covered in luke warm snot, from head to toe, but instead of being all runny it was sticky like hair gel. It was even in my boots.
Although, I did have some fun, I sent dead buy some negatively charged stuff in one of his favorite hair gel bottles. I can just see his hands trying to strangle him.
Nothing really exciting happened today, I’m kind of getting used to this I guess.
I swear Ethan Rayne cast some kind of chaos spell on me.
Okay, so the day started out simple enough go to a ware house, a ghost was scaring people there.
Easy right, until it turned out the ghost had enough Psychokinetic energy to pull in various items from the ware house and make itself into a FUCKING golem. Oh, and that isn’t the use of a swear word, it turns out the ware house stored locally made sex toys. I can’t make this stuff up.
So, me and the other busters, or should that be the other busters and me, anyway, we were blasting the stupid thing trying to blast it through god only knows how many layers of vibrators and strap ons, while also trying to avoid getting hit with either a volley ball sized blast of battery acid, OR sex toys that are propelled by the ghost and well we saw one go through a foot of concrete.
While the battle is going on, my PKE meter starts going crazy shining blue. So I follow it to the signal and see a crazy dildo vibrating it looks to be made out of crystal. I scanned it, and it turned out it was “Rowena’s crystal Dildo, the lonely witch Rowena made this magic toy for her pleasure while sealed away in the crystal Cavern of Numianna, some say it led to her death, though she died smiling.”, I sent it to Willow afterwards warning her of what it might do.
By the time I got back to the main battle the guy’s had it mostly handled.
Nothing really happened today. I just relaxed after yesterday.
Again nothing really happened, although I did eat a couple Twinkies in front of Slimer.
Why me, apparently someone decided to act out a Friday the 13th movie. They brought movie horror types to life by accident.
I’m sure everyone who’s read my file knows I hate clowns, vampires easy, demons nothing.
So, who do I end up fighting, Freddy, Jason, Chucky, nope, none of those.
I “Get” to fight fucking Zippy.
That’s fucking right, Zippy the clown, the one who gave me the nightmares in the first place. “Oh it’s a clown movie, it will be fine” Willow says, and then she falls asleep, and leaves me to watch it alone. Watch as Zippy kills people then eats their bodies, or feed them into wood chippers, or makes them into hamburger meat and feeds them to their friends filled with poison.
Although, when I was alone with him in the dark alley, well it was laughable.
I mean sure I was scared somewhat, but compared to a vampire, or the master, hell even Angelus, what does a fucking clown have on any of them?
Then it turned out he had his Deus Ex Machina powers to never die or be defeated no matter what happened to him.
Yeah, that sucked.
Luckily I had my own little Deus Ex Machina, it’s called a thrice blessed collapsible axe.
The first chop went through the clown’s forehead, and then I took him apart in inch by inch chunks, before blasting them with six Boson darts.
Nothing quite like Hell mouth style closure.
I slept today, too drained from yesterday.
Today, oh today was the day that the real fun started. It all started when some idiot opened a vault of spirit’s labeled “Do not open” in Sumerian. Gods, why do I have a feeling that after “Hoss” get back I’m going to need a vacation?
There we go folks, the real “Big plot” hits next chapter. Let me know what you think. Ttrunks out