Pairing: Pre-Slash for now, Xander/??, Xander/??, Xander/??/?? Figured it out, but it's going to be a kind of obvious surprise.
Disclaimer: Buffy and company belong to Joss Whedon, House and characters belong to Fox
Author Notes: Take one warped mind (mine), add one fic a day challenge, and insane list sibs whirl together and this is what you get.
"So Wilson," House asked as he finally tracked his elusive friend down to his office. "Care to tell me who exactly this Xander kid is?"
Wilson bit back a small laugh at that. "Still haven't figured it out yet Greg?"
"Well, the nurses betting pool has a couple of interesting ideas. The first is that I've tossed you aside and that he's a boy-pro who is keeping you entertained. I've also heard a rumor and a small number of bets that you're sharing him with Chase," House offered suggestively, watching as his friend spluttered. "So I take it from your reaction neither of those is true then. That leaves the final two bets, or three if you count the one that combines the other two. One is that he's a relative of yours, that you've kept carefully hidden away, which doesn't really make sense, given what I know of your family. The other bet is that he's dating Chase...which is rather interesting, as Chase has been in a happier mood of late. The third bet of course is that you set him up with Chase, as a relative of his, to keep him out of my 'evil clutches'. So which is it?"
Wilson let out a soft sigh at that. "Fine, close the door and I'll tell you Greg."
Reaching up House shoved the door closed the rest of the way with his cane. "So what's the real story Wilson?"
"A little bit of the last three. Yes he went out on a date with Chase, more as friends than a date, but they did go out together. Yes I had a hand in that. And Chase is so amused of late, because the 'kid' got the best of you and the fact he knows something that you don't."
"All right...so you set the two of them up, which would indicate you know something that I don't. I didn't know Chase swung that way. And it also implies he is related to you somehow. So that leaves the question of how he's related to you."
"He's my son Greg, that's how he's related. I had an affair with his mother many years ago, and she never told me that she was pregnant."
House let out a long, low whistle at that. "Well I certainly wasn't expecting that one. So shall I pass out the cigars, since you're now a father?"
"No thanks Greg, it's a bit too late for that by a number of years. Thankfully he doesn't blame me for not knowing about him. If I had..." Wilson said trailing off slowly.
"Uh huh, resentment, anger, and I think a touch of guilt there, So I take it his parents were that bad?"
Wilson just nodded at that. "That and he draws the worst type of people when he tries to date. Think a child between you and Cuddy with both of your levels of snark and attitude, for who he's dated in the past."
House shuddered at that thought.
"So yeah, I'd rather he went out with someone nice and sweet. Since he did show a little interest in Chase..." WIlson offered trailing off to a stop when House started to growl.
"If I didn't know better Greg, I'd almost think you were jealous of one or both of them. But that's impossible, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Wilson," House said, shoving himself up and out of the chair abruptly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have ducklings to terrify."
Hunting Chase down, he muttered softly under his breath about idiots and fools who dared to poach on his territory and watch.
"Ah, there you are Chase," House called out as he spotted his prey. "A rather pleasant day, filled with some interesting gossip amongst the nurses."
Seeing House's expression, Chase forced his face to a neutral expression. "Yes it is a rather nice day, but I'm afraid I'm rather busy. Maybe we could talk later?"
"No, I rather think I'd like to have this discussion right now Robert, after all it won't take all that long," House said shooting a deadly glare at his former student. "Back off. That simple enough? Leave Wilson's relative alone, as he's rather obviously not your type. After all, you've always tended to go for soft, simpering little twits with little if any brains."
Forcing himself to stay calm, Chase replied. "I rather think that such a matter is between Xander and myself. We do have a fair bit in common, plus this isn't the place to have this discussion. Maybe later after work, when we can speak privately would be a lot better."
"Nope, I've said all that needs to be said. If you are foolish enough not to listen...." House said trailing off and making his meaning very clear with how he was clenching and releasing his fists.
Glancing at his phone as an unfamiliar number popped up, Xander considered briefly letting it go to voice mail, but instead answered it. "Hello,"
Listening as the familiar voice of House replied on the other end, he smirked, since it couldn't be seen. "Yes I do remember you Doctor House. What can I do for you?"
Xander burst out in a fit of laughter at the reply. "Cute really, but why would I want to go out with a grumpy, sarcastic bastard like you are supposed to be.... uh huh, while that is true, what makes you think I wouldn't prefer someone sweet and caring for a change..." giggling at that reply he shook his head. "No I doubt that, but even if it was, I'm sure I could show him a thing or two....fine, I'll meet you down there at nine, don't be late or you won't get a second chance."
With that Xander hung up the phone and shook his head in amazement. "Well Dad's certainly going to be pissed off when he finds out about this. I'll lay odds that Chase would step up his game though, if he thinks House has a chance..."
Sitting back Xander considered one thing that Anya had always nagged him about, but which he'd never really dared take a chance on. A three way relationship, would definitely be a lot of work...but with the sweet kindness and loving nature of Chase to balance his sarcasm and House's...hmmmm that would definitely be an interesting and always fun bed. Plus, he might finally get the chance to get worn out, instead of being the one to do the wearing out.
Finishing off his dinner Xander headed in to get a quick shower, right when his phone decided to ring at that moment.
Sighing, he grabbed it and answered, “Xander’s House of Madness, …. Hey Chase, yep it’s good to hear from you.”
Nodding he listened to what Chase had to say about the earlier conversation between himself and House. Chuckling softly at the offended tone in Chases’ voice he smiled. “Yeah well, he called me and begged more or less for a date…well I did promise him that I would meet him for a drink, but left it as friends or associates going out, rather than a date, date.”
“No, I wouldn’t cheat on you Chase. That’s why I’m letting you know since you called me. I was just about to grab a shower and I was planning on letting you know after I was done.”
Nodding at the more reasonable attitude that the statement produced he laughed at what Chase said next. “Well sure, why not the more the merrier. Plus we can see how insane the two of us can make him.”
Listening to Chase’s next comment made him shake his head. “Before I answer that, let me ask you the same thing in return. Are you interested that way? Because I could definitely be talked into the thought of trying out a three way relationship…. Well the two of you each balance me in different ways and understand different parts of me…. Would that be so horrible?”
Listening as Chase groaned about teasing him with such evil thoughts, Xander smirked. “Well then come on out with us… yeah that’s where we’re going…. Uh huh, I’m supposed to meet him there at nine, we can spring the surprise on him then and blow his mind completely.”
As Chase let loose with his own burst of evil laughter at that suggestion, Xander joined in. “Yeah well, I wasn’t suggesting literally…at least not just yet.”