We're All Mad Here
Therefore I’m Mad
Lightning_SkiesSpoilers/Warnings/Pairings/Disclaimer – See first chapter
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*= Chapter 2 – We’re All Mad Here =*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=“Buffy! Thank god we found you. Something crazy is happening. The kids all turned into monsters and attacked each other and Xander doesn’t know who he is- he thinks he’s a cat and I was dressed as a ghost and now I’m a real ghost and I think I might be dead and I don’t know what to do. What do we do? Tell me what to do.” Willow babble seemed to be super powered now that she lacked the need to gasp for breath periodically. She had only stopped so that she could hear whatever professional words of wisdom the Slayer might provide.
“Demon!” Buffy screamed, pointing at the glowy-eyed Xander-cat. Or more accurately at where he had been standing, watching them with interest.
In an instant a duplicate had popped up behind the transformed Slayer, cowering behind her shoulder looking intently at the copy she was pointing at even as the afterimage unraveled and faded away with a cheery wave. “A demon? Here? That’s ever so strange. Are you really quite sure?”
In that very moment the strong and courageous Slayer, who had faced down and defeated the Master himself, did what came naturally to her- she shrieked and fainted dead away.
Willow glared at the Xander-cat. He had been standing right next to Buffy when she fainted and hadn’t bothered to try and catch her, instead watching passively as she swooned, even going so far as to vanish his body below his waist so she wouldn’t land on his feet.
“Did you really have to scare her like that?”
“I don’t have to do any of the things that I do, which is why I enjoy choosing to do them ever so much. Obligation and responsibility aren’t any fun at all. I avoid them whenever possible.”
“Well, at least now I know you’re still Xander.” Willow muttered under her breath as her furry friend lost interest in the downed girl and went to bother a nearby kid-demon. He was bouncing around the irritated scaly munchkin, evading swipes of its claws and vanishing parts of his body when he couldn’t dodge. “Yeah, you just go play taunt the vicious man eater. Next thing you know it’ll be time to run around in traffic and run with scissors.”
Buffy regained consciousness with a delicate moan. The sound attracted the Cat’s attention and he froze for a moment, ears perked and then appeared beside Willow as they peered down at the prone noblewoman. With her over-reactions she was far more interesting than any old demon.
“Buffy? Are you okay?” Willow knew with a sinking certainty that neither of her friends was going to be any help in this situation, and even worse she was going to have to be the one to protect them both (probably from themselves) and somehow save the day- night, whatever. When the brunette opened her eyes, and looked at Willow, there was no sign of recognition.
“Why do you persist in calling me Buffy?” ‘Princess Slayer’ as Willow mentally dubbed her, demanded imperiously, reminding the one still sane Scooby far too much of Cordelia.
“She’s not Buffy.” Willow turned to the Xander-cat for some sort of confirmation, sympathy- something.
“Is a Buffy like a Xander? Animal or mineral? Are such things edible? Of course they’re edible, everything’s edible. The important question is whether you’ll regret eating it later.” She rolled her eyes, why had she thought he might be any sort of use here.
Turning to see who was talking, Buffy lurched back with a squeak and looked ready for another round of narcoleptic Slayer.
“Buffy, its okay. He won’t hurt you. We’re your friends.”
“I beg your pardon. I know not this Buffy. I am the Lady Elizabeth and I am quite certain that I have never associated myself with a low born street woman such as yourself.” Buffy stood up carefully with perfect posture and a regal air and gave Willow’s outfit, the one she’d forced the redhead into, a look of utter disgust. She was obviously focusing on the more mundane problems and totally ignoring the oddness that was the Xander-cat.
Seeing that he wasn’t getting a reaction the Cat shrugged and vanished with a grin, off to find a more interesting diversion. His overly bright teeth and eyes seemed to be the last things to fade out. There was no way for Willow to keep Xander in one place even if she had been tangible, and he seemed to be dealing with the demon outbreak just fine, so she just let him go and decided to concentrate on the friend she could help.
“Alright, I apologize for being so forward, my Lady. I am merely trying to help. What’s the last thing you remember?” Willow figured the best way to get ‘Elizabeth’ to cooperate would be to soothe her pride; otherwise she was likely to be stubborn and difficult. Years of dealing with Cordy had taught her that this particular personality type was really easy to manipulate as long as you kept them happy. With all the fawning she knew was going to be needed she felt like she’d voluntarily joined the Cordettes or something, it was a very slimy icky feeling.
“I was returning to my family estate after the Governor’s All-Hallows Eve Ball. How did I come to be here? The last thing I recall was being in father’s carriage.”
“Okay, that’s good. Do you know that year it is?”
“1776, of course. Are you really so uneducated?”
Willow grit her teeth against her anger at the sheer arrogance of the noblewoman possessing her friend. Thinking quickly she came up with a lie that might keep her quiet. “I was simply checking your memory. You were in an awful carriage accident and hit your head. Quite often when someone has hurt their head, they might see strange things or even forget who they are. Your footman has gone on ahead in order to locate help and has asked that we be the ones to take care of your needs until he returns.”
“Yes. I had heard that the shock of such violent happenings have been known to addle the wits. It is truly lucky that I am no weak willed woman to be deceived into panic.” Willow wisely chose to ignore the screaming and fainting and hoped that Buffy’s denial lasted until she was normal again.
“We should get you inside my lady, the fall night is chill and you have no shawl or cloak.” Willow was glad for all the cheap historical fiction romance novels she’d read. Not that she’d ever admit to anyone that they were her source material for talking like someone from the 18th century. Not even Xander knew about her guilty recreational reading. “I know of a residence nearby where we might rest ourselves.”
Spike was wandering the town reveling in the chaos. He wore his full vampire face and no one even took notice. It was quite liberating. Some sort of strong magic had swept over the town and he watched in amusement as half the population of Sunnyhell transformed and turned on the other half. The streets were teeming with demons, monsters, aliens and other assorted creatures that hadn’t ever walked the earth before tonight. Screams and animalistic cries echoed around him. It reminded him of the Boxer Rebellion and the night he’d taken his first Slayer. With a grin he decided that he might just be nostalgic enough that tonight he’d go for his third. It had a poetic feel, that the setting for both deaths would be so similar.
“Well, this is just neat. Can’t wait to see what the Slayer’s wearing tonight. Won’t be no duster, but it should be plenty amusing all the same.”
He had just passed by what looked like a group of Ewoks barbequing someone’s dog when he saw the entire Universal Studios monster lineup (ala Karloff and Legosi) chasing a bad acid trip wearing black jeans. Whatever species their prey was, it appeared to be mostly humanoid with big pointy purple ears, a long tail and bright pink stripes. He watched for a moment as the mystery creature easily outran the stumbling monster pack, hanging back just enough to keep them in the chase. The bloody thing didn’t want to get away he noted with some amusement. It was playing with the little slaggers, leading them on for fun.
The Slayer could wait, this was amusing. Spike lit up a cigarette and followed the chase down the street. Curious, he watched the very one sided game as the feline figure ran circles around the increasingly frustrated movie monster classics, before running straight up the trunk of a nearby tree, paying no mind to gravity and the like. The transformed kids circled the tree, growling and scratching, but ultimately unable to climb up after their prey. Frankenstein’s monster and his bride grabbed the trunk and shook, but nothing fell from the branches.
“Well, shows over then.” He dropped his ciggy and ground it out with his boot. He wasn’t environmentally conscious or any of that rot, but lit fags were known to spark up fires and vamps made nice tinder if they weren’t careful. He turned to continue on his Slayer hunt, only to find himself staring into glowing yellow eyes less than an arms length away.
With a snarl he jumped back into a defensive position, eyes darting over the figure in front of him. No one had gotten the drop on him like that for decades. He hadn’t heard or smelled anything and had no idea how long the purple cat-boy had been standing- hang on. He glanced at the tree, most of the mini monsters had lost interest and scattered. But the wolf man and ugly bloke from the black lagoon were still clawing at the trunk.
Looking back at the feline, he noted that it hadn’t made any move to attack. It cocked its head at him, “Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!”
Straightening up, Spike took a closer look at the transformed human, the kid looked familiar. He imagined the face, muscled chest and tight stomach in a nicely tanned golden color instead of fuchsia and mentally toned down the bright yellow eyes and purple hair to a dark chocolate brown. In a flash it came to him. It looked like the boy had been hiding quite the body behind that ridiculously clownish kit of his. He let his game face smooth out and smirked at the teen. “Well, if it ain’t the Slayer’s sidekick. You’re looking a right treat, whelp. Got yourself all caught up in the mojo did you? Whatter you s’posed to be then?”
A giant grin spread over the boy’s face. “Well that depends entirely on whether or not I am what I’m supposed to be. Supposing I’m not what I was before and aren’t what I will be or shall be. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!”
“Sounds as if you’ve gone right round the bend then.” Spike studied the transformed human. “Hang on a mo’. Ye’r obviously barking mad-“
“As a hatter.”
“-ye’r quoting Jabberwocky at me-“
The boy’s grin grew even larger, “So rested he by the Tumtum tree, and stood awhile in thought.”
“-and you’ve got bloody cat ears and a tail. Ye’r the great sodding Cheshire Cat.”
With a flourish the striped boy bowed low to the amused vampire. “'You are old, Father William,' the young man said, ‘and your hair has become very white.’”
“Was gonna ask you real nice like to lead me to the Slayer bint, but s’not likely I’ll be able to get a bloody straight answer out of you now is it?”
“Oh, there’s nothing straight about me. Everything is bent and crooked and curvy and twisted and it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” As Xander-cat ran his clawed hands down his torso his form shifted, strong shoulders and waist narrowing, chest, hips and ass plumping out. For a moment the cat-boy was a cat-girl, but then his hands moved away and his body returned to normal, or whatever passed for it tonight. Spike blinked quickly, wondering if the boy had really just transformed himself into a woman or if it was an illusion. Interesting trick, that.
“I’m not very stable or balanced, some days I go off my rocker entirely.” The boy fell slowly to the side, impossibly resisting the normal pull of gravity. He took up an enticingly erotic lounging position, floating in mid air. “It’s so hard being me.” With an exaggerated yawn, the Cat gave a long slow full body flex, rolling out each muscle individually the way only a feline could. Spike could hardly tear his eyes away from the rippling pelt. He would have pounced on the boy already, but the small bit of the book loving William left in him reminded him of how easily the Cheshire Cat could vanish.
“Yeah, you’re a right treat, pet, but I’d had my heart set on tearing into the Slayer tonight. Maybe I’ll come back for you later. When you’re back to human, don’t fancy you up and disappearing on me right as things get interesting.”
“To find what you seek, don’t search anywhere you know it’s not. Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction. After all, if you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. The journey is half the battle.” With a wink, the cat began humming and leapt down from his invisible perch, floating down to touching the ground gently. He grabbed his tail and used it as a jumping rope, disappearing mid swing. His ghostly voice echoed even after he left.
“`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves,
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.”Spike stared for a moment longer, then shook his head in bemusement. “Only in Sunnyhell.”
Angel moved silently through the anarchy that had taken hold on the Hellmouth. He made his way quickly to the Summer’s house, hoping to find Buffy or at least the rest of the Scoobies. He was relieved to see the lights on and let himself in through the backdoor. Making his way into the living room, he found Buffy engulfed in a horrifically large pink dress arguing with a scantily dressed Cordelia with cat ears and whiskers painted on her face.
“Oh, good! You guys are alright. It's total chaos out there.”
Buffy turned to him in confusion, “Who are you?”
“What? Did I miss something? Does somebody want to fill me in?” Angel blinked at his usually affectionate girlfriend; the magic that lay heavy in the air must have affected Buffy as well as the rest of the town.
Ignoring his question Lady Elizabeth decided that he was going to hear her grievances, because the duty of seeing to her needs was currently being shirked by both maids. She would have words with her father about this and neither woman would ever work as a handmaiden again. They were obviously not to be trusted with such high responsibility. “Is this your residence? I find that it is rather small and shoddily furnished. It is hardly a suitable resting place for a Lady such as myself, for even a small time.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t live here, you do. Buffy, are you okay?”
She just sniffed disdainfully, “As I told that red haired harlot earlier, my name is not Buffy. You will address me as Lady Elizabeth or not at all.”
Cordy rolled her eyes in exasperation, “Oh, get over yourself.” She turned to Angel with a bright smile, “Hi. There’s this whole thing where she’s got a princess complex and doesn’t remember how socially pathetic she really is. Willow went to find Giles and see if he has any genius ideas, since your mystical warrior girl is currently more useless than normal.”
Buffy huffed at the insult, even if she didn’t quite understand it. “I will not get over anything for someone as low born as yourself.” She turned to Angel, “You should see to your hiring practices. The maids you have now obviously need to be replaced, they are rude and common and I don’t like them at all.”
“Did you just call me a maid?” Cordy screeched.
Angel wondered if it might be a better idea to just sneak out quietly as the girls fought and hide out in his apartment for the rest of the night. He might be remorseful about his past and working for redemption, but he didn’t think he should have to subject himself to getting in the middle of an almost literal catfight. He was about to take his unlife in his hands and brave interrupting the girls when a movement in his peripheral vision caught his eye.
A paw print had just appeared in the middle of the far wall, and as he watched, ignoring the still bickering girls, another appeared, followed quickly by a third and a fourth. A whole trail of prints walked their way down the wall and onto the floor, heading straight for them, but Angel couldn’t see, hear or smell anything in the room with them. He positioned himself protectively in front of the girls and tensed, ready for anything as they finally noticed and fell silent.
Just a foot or so away the footprints split and circled around them, rejoining on the other side and continuing on. The prints stopped and Xander appeared, bare clawed feet planted firmly in the last of the footprints. Illogically, he was standing backwards in the prints, facing the trio instead of away from them.
Cordy gaped at him without a trace of her usual calm elegance. Buffy was pale and gasped shallow breaths rapidly. Angel just stared stoically at him as he looked around briefly and studied them with a bright grin. “A girl in a cat suit and a man in a monster in a man suit? Oh, I do so love this place.”
Angel was the first to break out of his stupor. “Xander? How did you- Do you have a tail… and ears? Are your eyes GLOWING?”
Xander crossed his eyes, as if trying to check them for illumination. “I do so hope my ears and tail are still there. I would be ever so upset if they had run off without me. And who is to say that I have ears and a tail, perhaps it is more accurate that my tail has ears or that my ears have me. As to how, I should like to think that it was that I was born with them, or possibly acquired them along the way.”
“But what
are you?”
“It is important to be what you would seem to be -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”
Cordy eyed him speculatively, noticing that aside from the fur, he was pretty much shirtless. He actually looked half decent for once, but she would never admit to that out loud. “Purple and pink are so not your colors, dweeb boy.”
“I have a color? Do tell, if not purple or pink, then what color is my color? Is it a nice shade of argyle, perhaps a hue slightly more polka dot than stripes? Perhaps a simple plaid?” Xander-cat canted his head to the side and blinked his big yellow eyes owlishly at her.
Whatever words of fashion wisdom on the relative un-simplicity of plaid or comment of undiluted snark Cordelia had been about to provide, she was cut off when a snarling overgrown lizard broke in through the large front window in a shower of glass. Buffy jumped behind the cheerleader with a cry and clung to her as Angel dove onto the monster knocking it to the ground.
“Quit it with the grabby hands, Princess Useless.” Slapping her hands away, Cordy stepped away from Buffy, but the noblewoman followed and continued to use the taller girl as a shield. With a sigh, she gave up and turned back to the fight. “Angel, you can’t kill it. It’s some poor idiot magically trapped in his bad choice of a Halloween costume.”
“You couldn’t have said something earlier?” Angel turned in full game face and snarled at the unrepentant teen, still grappling with the furious reptile.
“Oh, stop complaining. I’m saying something now.”
With a gasp Lady Elizabeth pulled away from the maid in horror. This man was a monster and still the woman conversed with it with ease. She must be a witch, a servant of the devil, after Elizabeth’s very soul. And the other was still there, watching it all with those evil animal eyes that glowed with the light of hell itself. “These horrors are no mere visions. You have bewitched me. I’ll not stay here amongst demons.”
She threw open the front door and dashed out into the night, ignoring Angel’s shout behind her. “Buffy! No!”
“Oh, faboo. I suppose you want to go track her down now.” Cordy asked the vampire, once he’d knocked lizard boy out.
“We need to find her before she gets hurt. She’s not the Slayer right now, and she’s even more helpless because she doesn’t know anything about this time period.” Angel brushed the broken glass off of himself quickly. As he left Cordelia looked back at the Xander-cat who’d been watching everything with the utmost glee.
“The chase is on, the prize is winning the race, but who shall claim the prize in the end? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you join the race? You see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”
“God, you are like totally weirder than usual aren’t you?” Cordy questioned as she followed the vampire, who’d followed the Slayer, who’d run off.
“You have no idea.” The power cut out, leaving nothing but a bright white smile and slit yellow cat eyes glowing in the darkness.
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*= TBC =*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=A/N:
Good god, writing the Cheshire cat is difficult, it's even worse trying to keep tabs on who's got Scooby-speak, Spike-isms, Cordy snark, or the Lords proper English going on. Let it be said that dialogue is not easy.
“Beware the… …frumious Bandersnatch!” – “I wonder if I've been changed… …Ah, that's the great puzzle!” – “'You are old, Father William,' the young man said, ‘and your hair has become very white.’” – “Be what you would seem to be… …appeared to them to be otherwise.” - “You see, it takes all the running… …you must run at least twice as fast as that!” – Direct Lewis Carroll Quotes
I tried to write wilting wallflower Buffy, but she’s kinda turned into more of a scary arrogant Lady Macbeth type. I kinda like it better this way.
Distribution: FFN (Lightning_Skies), Twisting the Hellmouth (LightningSkies)
Author has given no other permissions. Message if you want it.
3,809 Words - 8 Pages – 10/27/09
