Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Roald Dahl characters are the property of their original owners.
Somewhere in Europe, while prowling through the dimly-lit cellars of the biggest factory he’d ever visited, Spike was losing his patience. After having to jump off his train when he’d been disturbed over his latest meal, a rather skinny conductor (Spike never ate firemen. The taste of coal got in their blood.), the vampire had wandered through the city, until the onset of dawn forced him to take shelter in one of the buildings around him.
Spike wasn’t sure exactly where he was. Probably Germany, or somewhere further east, judging by the architecture and the street signs. Whatever, he’d jumped over a factory wall and found a cellar door that could be pried open for him to descend into the depths of the largest building Spike had ever come across. It was crammed with steaming pipes and vats filled with liquids he could hear bubbling through their containing walls.
What it didn’t have was people. Spike had thought working hours should have started by now, and from his experience with human nature, SOMEBODY should have skived off, nipping down here for a quick smoke, and providing a decent, honest vampire having an empty tummy with his elevenses, or whatever damn time it was up there.
His temper finally snapping, Spike roared, “Where the bleedin’ hell is everyone?!”
“Away from you,” a man quietly murmured, all while intently watching and listening through a primitive closed-circuit television screen in his office, frowning at the demon that was currently stalking through the cellars of his factory. Turning in his swivel chair at the anxious cheeping from the group of small people nervously clustered behind him, Willy Wonka nodded reassuringly at the Oompa-Loompas, “Yes, yes, I plan to get rid of him. Let’s see now…. I have it! Get the ingredients and make up a batch of Compound 23-Apricot, and then put them in Room W-BB49(z). Add the usual display, too.”
Wonka beamed at how the faces of his employees brightened at this, and how eagerly they scattered, to get to work. Turning back to his control board, the maker of the most delicious candies in the world started pushing several of the buttons on the immense electrical machine that controlled every part of his factory.
Hours later, a very hungry Spike now skulked through an office building of some sort. After cautiously ascertaining it was dark again, the vampire had taken the factory stairs up, to find himself in a place with lots of corridors with rooms on both sides of these passageways. All locked, unfortunately, and with signs on the front of the doors composed only of letters and numbers, with no indication of whatever they were used for. Spike couldn’t hear anyone behind any of the doors, either.
Seriously considering kicking down one of the doors at random, Spike grumpily continued, until his eye was caught by something he hadn’t seen so far. At the end of the corridor, the door there was opened a crack, with a light shining through. The vampire’s mood promptly improved at the first sign of life he’d found so far, and he soundlessly tip-toed towards the door. He still couldn’t hear or smell anyone in there, but he kept going anyway, until he found himself in front of the door. Staying as quiet as possible, Spike gently pushed the door open until he could peek through the gap.
The room was empty.
Giving a disappointed snarl, Spike shoved the door open the whole way, and stalked into the room, catching the door when it bounced back and impatiently shutting it after him. Spike now found himself in a small area with glowing lamps attached to the walls, which was totally bare except for a waist-high metal display stand in the middle of the room. Glowering at this, Spike saw on top of the stand a small wooden box the same size and shape of a cigar box, with its lid closed. Looking around, the vampire saw nothing that revealed the purpose or contents of the box, though Spike blinked at something on the far wall he hadn’t noticed before, a screen filled with hundreds of tiny electrical light bulbs, all currently unlit.
Shrugging, Spike stepped towards the stand, and when he was in front of it and leaning forward to touch the lid of the box to open it, the vampire suddenly flinched back in panic. The reason for this was that the electrical screen had suddenly lit up in an immense flash, every bulb abruptly coming on for a second, and then going dark again.
Spike stood there tensely, ready to dash out of the room, if there was any sign he’d somehow tripped an alarm. Then, still watching the screen, the demon’s jaw dropped, as he uncomprehendingly saw what happened next.
Specific individual bulbs on the electrical sign now lit up, spelling out letters to show the word:
Spike whirled around, searching the room with all his vampiric senses for any witness who’d turned on the sign. There was no indication of this, and Spike then warily turned back, to again disbelievingly stare at what had now appeared on the sign:
WELCOME TO TESTING ROOM W-BB49(z). CURRENT ITEM: COMPOUND 23-APRICOT FOR THIS YEAR’S HALLOWEEN. WARNING! TO BE CONSUMED IN LIMITED QUANTITIES ONLY DURING TESTING! WARNING! NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CLOTHING OR TEETH STAINS!
Spike scratched his head, relaxing slightly. Apparently, he’d wandered into some kind of research laboratory, and that sign over there was for both identification and cautionary purposes. Nothing to worry about, then. Still….something for Halloween, and teeth stains? Was this something to eat? As his face brightened and the hungry vampire stepped again towards the display stand, the electric sign went dark, only to glow again with more information:
CAUTION! AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY!
Always ready to defy authority, Spike sneered at the sign.
THIS MEANS YOU!
Now Spike was really glaring. He promptly reached over and flipped open the lid of the box, culminating his actions by sticking out his tongue at the screen, which promptly went dark. Spike nodded in virtuous satisfaction, and looked down at what he’d opened.
On the underside of the box’s lid were printed the words: Have Fun On Halloween Night With Wonka’s Perfectly Red Fake Blood! Utterly Delicious! (Fangs Sold Separately).
An astonished Spike stared into the box at an even row of pure scarlet globules of some sort of large jelly bean, about a dozen or so, all half the size of an egg. Still looking at these candies, Spike’s lips unknowingly twitched, and then widened into an actual grin, until the vampire’s mouth opened into snickers that soon turned into uproarious laughter.
For an entire minute, one of the most dangerous monsters on earth whooped with delight.
Finally calming down to quiet chuckles, Spike thoughtfully considered the candies, and then made up his mind. His hand went out to pick up the furthest right jelly bean, and the Englishman brought up the candy to his face, to carefully sniff and squeeze it during his examination. It didn’t seem to have any kind of odor, but it gave gently in his grip, just like a normal gummy candy. So, it seemed time for the next step.
Opening his mouth, Spike put the candy in there, tentatively biting off a scrap of the jelly bean. It had the same texture and substance of those confectionaries, and as the piece laid on Spike’s tongue, the vampire cautiously waited to see what it tasted like.
The fragment of the candy…. It had melted on his tongue, to somehow increase in volume to fill his entire mouth, and running down his throat was the finest, most delicious, warmest mouthful of human blood he’d ever had in his entire unlife!
There wasn’t any possible mistake. It not only tasted identical (no, better!) to what he’d fed on for decades, but as soon as that liquid reached his stomach, his entire body shivered as Spike felt his whole being absorb the sustenance he’d desperately needed for the last couple of hours!
His eyes bulging, Spike jerked up the hand holding the jelly bean to in front of his face, and then, without even thinking about it, the vampire crammed the entire candy into his mouth. As he chewed, Spike started gently moaning an enthusiastic mmmm! through his nose, as more and more blood was produced inside his mouth and then swallowed. Finally, his mouth was empty as all of the liquid was consumed, and the edge was off of his appetite’s keenness. Perhaps he’d had enough.
Looking at where the rest of the jelly beans rested in the box, Spike had a two-word answer in his mind as to that suggestion: *Sod that.*
In the next few minutes, an ecstatic Spike consumed every one of the blood jelly beans, shoving them in his mouth one after the other when the last one finished draining down his throat.
Finally, Spike was lying on his back on the floor and dreamily gazing up at the ceiling, idly patting his bulging belly, and feeling totally satiated. *Blimey, the last time I had a meal like that was when Dru and me and the poofter did that Bucharest orphanage, down to the last kiddy, back in ’08. Wonder if I can get my hands on more of that stuff?* Too content to move more than cocking an inquiring eye at the display stand, which now held a totally empty box that had formerly contained candies, Spike burped.
Then, he burped again, loudly. And once more, even louder.
Feeling a little concerned about his sudden attack of eructing, Spike’s attention was suddenly distracted by his stomach beginning to rumble like a small volcano. Alarmed, the vampire lifted his head to look down his body, and Spike’s eyes widened, as he both saw and felt that part of his body beginning to inflate. A frantic demon clapped the palms of his hands against the round ball that now consisted of his lower torso, and his panic only increased when he felt his hands being pushed away by the swiftly-increasing inflation that was beginning to cause his shirt and coat to tighten, and then to tear.
As the vampire managed to stagger up to his feet, Spike felt with horror whatever was happening to his stomach beginning to extend further to the rest of his body. The waistband of his pants now burst open, with his button fly promptly following, sending these small fasteners zipping away like shrapnel. His chest began to expand, continuing the ruination of his shirt.
As his arms and legs also began to grow, Spike lurched towards the room door, desperate to escape and find someone to help him. Gritting his teeth as his pants legs and shirt arms split with sharp cracks, the vampire managed one awkward step after the other, despite feeling like his feet were going to explode any second in their tight-fitting shoes. Just before he was in front of the door and about to try for a grab at the doorknob, Spike put down his left foot in one last stride -- and didn’t touch the floor.
Horrified, Spike tried to look down over a neck the thickness of a bucket, not to mention the rest of his now-obese body, and discovered his foot was floating an inch off the ground, and no matter what, he couldn’t force it down. Shifting his body weight over to his left side, the vampire wobbled, and then his right foot also lifted off the ground.
“YAAAHHHH!!!!!” screamed Spike, as he begin to rise into the air.
For the next few moments, a true monster had hysterics, as the remnants of his clothing dropped to the floor. By the time the last shred of material had fallen, the terrified bawling had been reduced to pitiful whimpers.
Outside the door, Willy Wonka pulled out his pocket watch, glanced at the time, and did some calculations in his head. Nodding with satisfaction, and replacing his watch, the man’s hand went to the doorknob, and turning this, the candy creator calmly entered the room. Glancing at the scraps and tatters of clothing scattered all over the floor, Wonka then lifted his head to look at the ceiling.
A six-foot wide pink ball floated against the ceiling, gently bouncing against the upper part of this room when the area’s minor air currents stirred this object. A pop-eyed Spike stared down over his swollen flesh, with only his head above his lower lip, the tips of his fingers, and the soles of his feet showing themselves to the world by the now-spherical vampire. Catching sight of the man looking up at him, Spike desperately croaked, “Get me down! Do something to turn me back to what I bleedin’ was!”
Wonka slowly shook his head, his features calm as he looked up at the frantic fiend. The man spoke in a composed tone, “Assist a vampire in any way? No, thank you.”
Spike’s heavy face contorted in rage, and then quickly ran through other expressions as he considered his situation: fear, cunning, despair, and finally, sullen acceptance. The vampire eventually spat out, “So, get it soddin’ over with! Though, I don’t see how you’re gonna shove a stake into my heart, when I’m like this! You’d have better luck usin’ a spear!” Gasping after his rant, Spike glared down, to the man who‘d clearly done this to him now having a look of extreme regret appear on his features.
Sighing, Wonka said, “Unfortunately, my dear vampire, at this time of my life, I am following the precepts of pacifism. I will do no harm to any man, though he may not feel so towards me, but instead rather live my life in a peaceful manner. Nor, in the case of dangerous animals, shall I take their lives, but rather safely and harmlessly transport them to a more fitting environment, where they may live their own lives without injuring another.”
A dumbfounded Spike hung there in the air, looking disbelievingly at the man staring back at him, until the demon started guffawing. “Well, I ain’t any of that! If you’re not going to kill me, I’m going to get through this and then come back here and destroy you and everything you hold dear, like a good vampire should!” A look of pure evil now appeared on Spike’s thickset features.
Wonka only lifted a quizzical eyebrow over this vicious threat, and dryly spoke, “Ah, but that presupposes that you ARE indeed a vampire. At this specific moment, you are something entirely else.” Saying that, the man reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a small metal device, a little box with an electrical switch at the top of the box. Still looking up at a puzzled Spike, Wonka’s thumb flicked the switch from the off position to on.
A faint rumble shook the entire room. Alarmed, Spike’s eyes darted around, until he saw with disbelief the edge where the ceiling met the far wall had changed into an actual gap, one that was growing! Somehow, the roof of this place was actually moving!
Helplessly bouncing along the sliding ceiling, Spike watched with horror as the night sky showed itself through the increasing gap. As the edge of the moving roof came nearer, Spike again frantically glanced down at the human still watching him, who said a concluding statement, “Right now, what you are is….a balloon.”
“YOU BAAAAAAAA--” Spike’s own final bellow in Wonka’s presence was ended, both by the action of his body finally escaping through the now-wide enough roof gap, as it buoyantly zoomed straight up and then away into the dark skies, and by the dwindling sound of his shriek of rage as the vampire quickly passed out of sight.
Chuckling, Willy Wonka flicked the switch on his device again, causing another rumble as the roof began sliding back into place. As the inventor of Compound 23-Apricot (By mistake, really. He truly hadn’t meant to create actual blood jelly beans. Just FAKE blood jelly beans. Hey, he’s Wonka. He needs a reason?) put the roof-operating mechanism back into his pocket, a small figure slipped around the half-opened door. Looking around with wariness that swiftly changed into glee, the Oompa-Loompa tugged on a tail of his chief’s purple coat.
Peering down in benign expectation, Wonka inquired, “Yes?”
The Oompa-Loompa made a short cheeping noise.
Looking puzzled, Wonka thought it over, working out the specific direction Spike had traveled, and answered, “Yes, the vampire went sailing through the air towards the west. Why on earth do you want to know?”
Lifting his hands into the air and then making wiggling gestures with his fingers, the Oompa-Loompa, through his giggles, explained in his language that sounded like bird calls. By the end of this, Wonka was also roaring with laughter.
Waving the pleased Oompa-Loompa away to go back to work, Willy Wonka wiped away a tear of mirth with his other hand, and then looked up to grin right at the ceiling of the now-closed roof. Still mischievously smiling, Wonka proclaimed, “Ah, that vampire looked like he might have once been rather artistic. I’m sure that he’ll feel most fortunate that quite soon he’ll be able to study the glories of nature at extremely close range. Specifically, the thunder and lightning of the massive thunderstorm he’s heading towards right now.”