Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Live on New Server

Hallmark Doesn’t Make I’m Not Dead Cards

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: Daniel forgot to tell someone he wasn't dead. Slash One shot

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Pairing: Daniel JacksonMissChrissFR1311,29418436,97022 Aug 0922 Aug 09Yes
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Stargate

This is Slash and does have a few curse words in it so don’t read if it offends you

This is story 2 in my Xander-athon but can be read alone as the fics have nothing to do with each other. The other is a Buffy CSI crossover staring Greg Sanders and of course Xander.

Hallmark Doesn’t Make I’m Not Dead Cards

“Do you think they have the blue Jell-O today?” Colonel Jack O’Neill asked Captain Samantha Carter. “It’s the best flavor, right Teal’c?” Jack asked as he elbowed Teal’c in the ribs.

The alien Jaffa raised his eyebrow “Indeed.” One of these days, Jack thinks, maybe he’ll get more than a one word response out of the man. Jack proceeded through the line grabbing a container of red Jell-O cubes topped with whipped cream. “Good but not as good as blue; it will have to do,” Jack muttered as he made a bee line over to a table on the left hand side of the cafeteria where Dr. Daniel Jackson was sitting. “So Daniel, the Rangers are playing the Flyers this weekend, what say you to a few beers and watching the game. I can try to educate you to the wonders of hockey.”

“Not on your life. I will never understand you and that sport. Besides I want to work on some of these translations. With all the time we spend off world I hardly have any left to work on what we find.” Daniel responded.

“Err more geek work. You need to let your brain idle once and a while or it will go poof.”

“If I let my brain idle as you so nicely phrased it I would become like you.” Jack noticed that the barb caused Sam to laugh and Teal’c to raise his eyebrow.

“Hey I resent that. Teal’c, buddy old pal, you’ll still come watch the game with me while the geeks look through old stuff,” he looked over at Sam, “and play in their labs?”

“Yes Colonel O’Neill. I will come watch the sport where they run while standing on knives.” Teal’c answered.

“Not knives, ice skates.” He was treated to another raising of the eyebrow. Jack looked up and saw General Hammond walking towards him. Both he and Sam quickly stood up to salute his superior officer. “Sir.”

General Hammond quickly saluted back to them before turning to speak with Daniel. “Dr. Jackson just the man I was looking for. I know that you have been working exceptionally hard on translating the texts that have been off world. The SGC has decided to hire another full time translator. This man while a civilian comes highly recommended by Homeland Security and The President himself gave this man high praise. I would like for you to meet…” Jack noticed the General Hammond never got to finish that sentence because a tall man with messy black hair and an eye patch walked up behind Hammond and promptly dropped his tray spilling food and red Jell-O with whipped topping all over the floor.

“Daniel?” The man was barely able to get the name out of his mouth.

“Xander, I can ex…”

“Why the Hell aren’t you dead?” the man screamed. Now Jack noticed the cafeteria was quiet and every eye was looking at them. Daniel just opened and closed his mouth looking like a fish. Wow Daniel at a loss for words he had to give pirate boy some credit there. “I’m pretty sure you’re dead I went to your funeral. What you can’t call or something? Don’t you have any manners? Heck send a card.”

“Hallmark doesn’t make I’m not dead cards.” Daniel snapped back.

“Don’t get snippy with me buster. I’m the one who gets to be snippy here.” Both Daniel and the new man Xander stated to argue back and forth in another language. Jack guessed they didn’t want anyone to spy on their fight.

“I guess they know each other.” General Hammond piped in as they watched the two argue. He moved to interrupt the two but Jack quickly put his hand up to stop him. Jack figured that the two were obviously friends and if they were going to work together they needed to get things out in the open.

“I think Daniel is in trouble.” Jack said in a sing-songy school boy taunting voice.


“Do wish we had some popcorn though.” Jack mimed eating a handful of popcorn “It would make this show even better.”

“I prefer twizzlers.” Sam said with a smirk.

“Milk duds for me,” added General Hammond.

Jack tuned back into the argument taking place in front of him noticing that every so often words and phrases would be said in English.

“General Hammond, exactly how much is he allowed to know?” Daniel asked as he walked to stand in front of Xander. “Everything; he signed the non disclosure.” Daniel looked like he was trying to explain everything to Xander when they all of a sudden started screaming at each other again.

Jack was starting to tune out the meaningless yelling which was as far as he could tell some African language. Daniel usually preferred them when he was angry. All of a sudden SLAP Daniel was clutching his cheek which was turning an interesting shade of red. Xander’s voice roared out “What do you mean you got married? Did it not occur to you that you were engaged before you left?”

Jack leapt out of his seat to protect his friend when Daniel turned to him and said, “I think I deserved that.”

“Think you deserved it, you damn well did deserve it.” Xander shouted.

“Look it was an accident.” Daniel responded.

“How do you accidently get married?”

This revelation nearly floored Jack. His mind started racing engaged Daniel was engaged, to who. Xander’s sister maybe, that would explain the anger. Jack could just see Daniel dating someone’s sister and then running off to marry some alien. Daniel was always so scatter brained and fascinated by alien civilizations. Jack was almost too busy visualizing what kind of woman Daniel would be engaged to when he heard Daniel shout in English again.

“Spike, you with Spike…but…but Spike’s so…so blond.”

So this Xander fellow got together with someone named Spike. Jack had to do a double take Spike was a guy’s nick name, or a dog, but definitely a guy. His mind was reeling with this idea.

“No,” Daniel told Xander. Their argument seemed to be calming down as the two were speaking rather than yelling at each other.



“General Hammond said.”

“I don’t care what he said no.” Daniel turned to face the General “Sorry sir,” and turned back to face pirate boy.



“Fine!” He looked once more at General Hammond and quietly whispered “Did you really tell Xander that don’t ask don’t tell does not apply to the SGC and that anyone who says otherwise has to deal with you.” The General nodded yes.

“See I told you.” Xander teased.

“I said fine.” Daniel then got a serious look on his face and pushed his glasses up. Jack leaned in closer he knew that Danny was going to say something important he always got that look and pushed his glasses when he was going to say something important. “I’m sorry I faked my death, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was still alive when I got back to earth. And I am sorry that I broke our engagement and married someone else. Happy now?”


Jack promptly fell out of his chair onto the floor landing in a pile of red Jell-O.

Please leave a review it would be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

The End

You have reached the end of "Hallmark Doesn’t Make I’m Not Dead Cards". This story is complete.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking