Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

About two hours after arriving at Caritas Angel showed up, he didn’t stay for long. I watch as he walked over to where Lorne was talking to someone. He tapped Lorne on the shoulder, and they talked for a few moments before Angel nodded and left. This confused me, but Lorne was not telling me what was going on, so I suppose that it must not be that big of a deal. I shrugged it off and turned back to the red demon who was singing on stage. He was pretty good.

A hand brushed over my blue and black hair, causing me to turn around quickly. Luckily Spike was standing right there, or I would have been like a bear skinned rug on the floor. I was pretty sure that there were not many demons in here that would be nice enough to walk around me rather than over me.

“Cupcake, I didn’t get the chance to tell you how much I’m diggin’ the hair,” Lorne told me, as he took a seat and motioned for me to do the same. I followed his example and sat next to him. A blush creeping up on my cheeks, as I brushed my hair to the side self-consciously.

“So tell me, Bella, are you going to sing for us?” Lorne asked me. I shook my head vigorously to let him know that it was not happening.

“But you have such a lovely voice,” Gunn piped up from his seat next to Fred. Wesley had stayed behind to continue his research. I didn’t think he was going to find anything, but anyway, that left me, Fred, Gunn, Jaden, Lorne and of course Spike, whose hand was on my thigh. It was making it very hard for me to concentrate on what was going on around me, but I didn’t want to cause a scene by forcefully removing his hand.

“Um,” I mumbled. “Well, I don’t really like singing in front of people.”

“Let me tell you, cupcake, everyone in this place, would rather hear your voice than his,” Lorne told me, pointing to the furry demon who was singing a Lady Gaga song. I nodded my head in recognition, but at the same time I knew that I would not be getting up on that stage anytime soon.

“Nope,” I told them, picking up my drink. It was really good, whatever it was. Lorne had assured me that there was no alcohol in it, so I was quite enjoying it.

“So I heard that a friend of yours was coming?” Jaden asked from next to Spike. I smiled as I thought of Jake coming.

“Yeah, he really wanted to come and see me, so I couldn’t tell him no. Well it was my idea, really,” I explained. “He misses me, and I miss him. Plus I had to tell him, that I don’t think I’ll be going ‘home’.”

I started to play with Spike’s fingers on my leg as I fidgeted in my chair a little bit. Next to me Lorne nodded his head, and I realized that he must already know this. He knew lots of stuff about me now, now that he had heard me sing.

“It will destroy him when I tell him, but I see this as my home now. I don’t think I could go back and be happy now,” I told them all honestly. I could see Fred grinning at me, no doubt happy that I was sticking around so that she would not be the only girl around until Cordelia got back. Speaking of Cordelia…

“When is Cordy coming home?” I asked suddenly.

“She told Angel that she would call tomorrow to tell him,” Gunn told me.

I nodded my head, and looked back up at the hairy demon who was still singing. Wow this was a long song…and he was really bad. I had to lift my hand to my mouth so that I didn’t giggle too loudly. Spike’s hand squeezed mine, and I realized that I still had his hand in mine. I smiled softly and squeezed back. His skin felt cool against mine and made me feel tingly.

I yawned suddenly, and Spike laughed.

“You ready to go, Ducks?” Spike asked me. I nodded and he pulled me up.

“I’m going to get this cripple back home,” he announced to the group.

I pouted up at him. “Hey, this is your fault! And I’m not crippled!”

Spike just chuckled, and steered me through the crowd of demons and vampires.

Once we got to the hotel it appeared to be empty, so Angel and Wesley must have gone out to help someone. I hope they could handle it on their own. I felt worried immediately, and also guilty for not being here when the phone rang, that was my job after all.

“When he came in earlier to Caritas…he asked Lorne to make sure you got home in safe hands,” Spike told me suddenly. I had to think for a moment.

“Angel, you mean?” Spike nodded his head.

“Oh, so Lorne thinks you’re safe?” I asked a little smile on my face as we made our way up the stairs.

“Safe for you maybe,” he told me grinning. I shook my head, and opened my door.

“Good night, Spike,” I told him.

“’Night, Ducks,” he whispered back to me. I slipped into my room and got ready for bed.

All day when I had free time, I had been thinking about the night before. I had been thinking about how different Spike was when we were just lying there in his dark room. He seemed more open, more…something. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I liked both Spikes. The one that thought he was always right and the one that would tell me anything. The one that liked to spar with me and the one that liked to hold me close and feel my warmth even while sleeping.

I slowly turned from my bathroom mirror and climbed into bed. In that moment for the first time in a long time, I wished that Alice was there for me to talk to. She would have great advice for me. She would know the right thing to say to me. I picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

“Hello?” a croaky voice asked me.

“Jake, it’s Bella,” I murmured.

“Bella,” Jake breathed on the other end.

“Hey, did I wake you up?”

“Yeah, but hearing your voice is worth it.”

This hurt me; it hurt me to hurt him. And even though that thought was confusing, I knew it was completely true.

“Jake…” I didn’t know what to say. How do you tell someone who is in love with you that you don’t love them back. Not the way they want you to, and not the way that they deserve. Jacob deserved so much better than me, he just didn’t see it. He just didn’t understand. Someday he would understand, someday when he had a beautiful girl to come home to every night, but that beautiful girl just couldn’t be me. Not now and not ever.

“Bella, is something wrong?” Jake asked me quietly.

I paused for a moment, not knowing how to answer the question.

“Not really,” I told him truthfully, “But in a way, I guess I’m…growing up. And it’s scaring me.”

“Bella, you are the most grown up 18 year old I’ve ever met. Whatever is going on, I know you’ll end up excelling at it. So don’t worry, just go for it.”

I sighed, if only Jake knew what he had just told me to do. He had just encouraged me to leave him behind, and have what I wanted with Spike. No matter what I would always love Jake, but not in a way that I need in order to be happy.

“Thanks Jake.”

“Any time, Bella. I have to go, but we’ll talk again soon,” he promised.

I murmured a goodnight, and we hung up.

I pushed myself off my bed and walked to the door. The hallway was long, but eventually I made it to the door I was looking for. I knocked but no one answered. Either Angel knew it was me and wasn’t answering or he still wasn’t home. I turned and wondered for a while. I ended up in front of Spike’s door, and didn’t even think about it before I was pushing the door open and climbing into bed with him again.

“Ducks,” Spike murmured sleepily against my cheek. “Is this going to be and every night thing?”

I pulled back and started to climb out of the bed.

“I’m sorry, I thou-“ I started to apologize.

Cool arms wrapped around me, and pulled me back. “Don’t you dare leave this bed,” Spike grumbled in my ear. He made sure not to bump my bad shoulder, and soon I was wrapped up just as tight as the night before. “So warm,” he murmured, his breath hitting my neck. Shivers running up and down my spine.

“I tried to find Angel, but he’s not back yet,” I said suddenly.

“Why would you do that?” Spike asked me seriously.

“I need to apologize to him. I said some things that should never be said. No matter what the circumstances.” Thinking about the pain in Angel’s eyes when I had told him, brought tears to mine. Spike was suddenly sitting, as if he had smelled my tears. Maybe he had heard them in my voice.

One traitorous tear leaked down my cheek. Spike sighed and wiped it away.

“I’m so scared,” I whispered. I hadn’t realized it until that moment, but I was scared. I was really scared. I was scared of the way I felt for Spike, and I was scared for that fact that Lorne hinted that the Cullens were going to find me. I was scared for Jake, and how he would take my news. I was scared that Angel would never forgive me, and I was scared that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this life after all. What if Edward had been right? What if I should be living a normal life right now?

“It’s okay to be scared sometimes, Ducks,” he told me, “its all part of growing up.”

I looked up at him with watery eyes.

“Whatever it is that has you scared, it’s not as bad as it feels right now. It’s like you’re sittin’ in a dark room. You can’t see anything, but soon the sun’s goin’ to come out. And by God when it does, you’ll see so clearly…everything will be lit with beauty and so brightly…” Spike trailed off, as if he was thinking about the sun.

“What’s it like? Not being able to look at the sun ever again?” I asked suddenly.

“It’s not something I treasure about this life. I miss it,” he confessed. “I miss the heat, the brightness…I even miss the sunburn. To be able to stand in the sun again…I’d give anything.” His eyes connected with mine. “Almost anything,” he murmured, his eyes never leaving mine. Did he mean me? Was he trying to tell me that he would give up anything, but me? A tingle started in my toes and worked its way up to my head, leaving my feeling dizzy.

Slowly he lowered himself back down next to me, pulling my close again. I drifted off to sleep. I was sure that was a smile on my face.

*****
Yawning, I stretched and the first thing I noticed was that my shoulder felt better. Yes. The second thing I noticed was that I was not in bed alone, and immediately I remembered that I had crawled into bed with Spike again. Rolling my eyes, I turned over as carefully as I could. This happened to be very difficult, because he was wrapped around me so tightly, as if he couldn’t get enough of my heat.

I thought back to the conversation we had that night before about how he missed being warm. I pushed closer trying to share more of my heat with him. If I could give him that, something so small, it was the least I could do for him.

I looked up at his face, and saw blue eyes looking back at me. I was startled.

“Jeeze, warn a girl before doing that,” I screeched.

He laughed and shook his head.

“I should tell Angel sorry,” I murmured suddenly. Memories of the night before flooded my mind, and I cringed slightly at the thoughts of what I had said to Angel.

“Ducks, can’t you just forget ‘bout it for now?” Spike asked my, a little pout on his lips. I laughed and nodded my head.

“Whatever you want,” I laughed.

“Whatever? I might have to take advantage of that.”

The next thing I knew his lips were on mine. He pushed me back until he was on top of me. Mmm…everything he did lit me on fire. He pressed into me hard, his body seeking my heat. I lifted my arms up and wrapped them around him, then did the same with my legs. There was something so sinful about kissing this man. It made my heart race, and my head spin. His hands were cool, sending shivers along my body, as he slid under my shirt. His fingers brushing my stomach; I moaned lightly, arching into his fingers. Suddenly one hand was in my hair, pulling my head up off the bed. Closer to him.

I wanted closer, so much closer.

I wanted to crawl inside his body.

I wanted more….but that wasn’t something that I was willing to give. Not to anyone, not until Edward, but he didn’t want me.

I pushed on Spike’s chest and he released my lips, looking down at me. I sighed. Edward hadn’t wanted me, so why would Spike? I didn’t understand.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked.

“What, Ducks?”

“Why do you want me?”

I felt stupid the moment I had asked this. I didn’t know that he wanted me. He might just be in it for some fun. A few laughs and giggles, then he would be done with me. I was being stupid and naïve.

“You want me to tell you all the things about you that make me want you?” Spike asked me, a little smirk on his face.

“No,” I grumbled pulling away from him, rolling out from under him.

I didn’t need to hear anything from him. I didn’t need the hole in my chest to rip open again. I had just started to close it up for good. I barely even thought of Edward anymore. I made to move to the door, but Spike’s words stopped me.

“You’re stubborn and klutzy. You smell like fruit and you can sing, very well. You blush at everything and nothing, and every night before going to bed you always say goodnight to anyone who’s still in the lobby. You tap your foot to music when Gunn plays it. And you like lavender soap when you take a bath, and you try not to cry, so hard, when you talk to Jacob on the phone. You love everyone who lives in the hotel, even Lorne. You worry way too much, and you bit your lip when you think too hard. Your voice doesn’t change when you answer the phone, but you’re always nice no matter how mean people on the phone are. You’re fearless, strong, and selfless. But most of all…you share your heat with me and only me. And that, Ducks, is why I want you,” Spike told me, his voice soft the whole time.

I turned back to him, tears in my eyes.

It was amazing how differently people perceived you. I didn’t see myself even close to how Spike saw me. He saw someone I had never met before. It was like he was describing someone I didn’t know. Someone that sounded so much better than the person I was. Someone who deserved Spike and all the love that he could give them, because whoever this person he was talking about…he loved them. It was in his voice, in every word he spoke.

“Ducks?” Spike said quietly.

“That doesn’t sound like me,” I explained.

“Then you don’t know yourself very well.”

I watched as he slowly stood and walked to me. His hand cupped my face, and in that moment I wanted to stay here forever. In a place where I felt loved. Where I didn’t have to worry about the Cullens, Angel, or any of my other problems.

His lips brushed mine lightly, but he pulled away much too quickly for my liking.

“Do you want me?” Spike asked me quietly.

I nodded my head and knew it was true. I did want him. Possibly too much.

******
“Holy shit, Bella!” Gunn yelled. “When did you get good at fighting?”

I laughed. “That was just luck,” I told him. Moving my dagger from his neck.

“It was not, Ducks,” Spike told me with a wink. I blushed and looked down. I could feel everyone’s eyes on the two of us, but no one said anything. For that, I was grateful.

“Sometimes I wonder,” I mumbled. Spike and Jaden laughed. No one else heard.

I walked back over to where Jaden was lounging on a new large chair that Angel had bought. He smiled, I smiled back…suddenly I was smiling at the tiled floor.

“Or, maybe it was luck,” Spike laughed at he hauled me off the floor.

“Ha-Ha, very funny,” I said dryly.

Spike pushed me onto the couch, and turned away to start sparing with Gunn. I looked over at Angel’s office door. According to Wesley, he and Angel had not gone out the night before. Angel had mumbled something about going for a walk and had not come home. Spike and Jaden had both assured me that he was in his office now, but that didn’t stop the guilt from leaping up in my stomach every time I thought about what I had said to him. I stood slowly from my spot and crossed the room. I dodged Gunn and reached the door without too much difficulty.

I didn’t knock, but just opened the door. I found Angel at his desk drawing on a piece of paper. The moment I stepped in, he pushed the paper away from himself and into a drawer.

“Angel, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked him quietly.

He nodded, motioning me toward the chair in front of his desk.

“Angel, I’m sorry. No don’t interrupt me, just let me get this out!” he sighed and nodded his head. “I’m so sorry about what I said. None of that matters to me, I promise. And it doesn’t matter to the people here either; they all love you regardless as to what you’ve done in the past. Trust me,” I told him.

“How can you say that now that you know? Now that you know about all the horrible things I’ve done?”

“Everyone does things they regret, but if you look hard enough there are always people around who will forgive you. Even if it’s not the people you want to show you forgiveness. You’re lucky; you found so many people who forgive you for what you’ve done. There are many who don’t even have one person to forgive them for their past sins,” I tried to make him understand.

“Forgiveness,” He snorted and looked up to the ceiling. “Sometimes I wish that no one would forgive me. That I would simply wallow in all the pain.”

I shook my head at him. “That’s stupid,” I pointed out.

“Maybe,” he murmured. “And Bella,” he started looking back down to me. “There was never anything to forgive you for.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but knew it would be useless. I shook my head again.

“What were you drawing?”

He sighed and pulled out the piece of paper. He kept it face down.

“Listen Bella. I’m not your father, and I don’t want to be. You need to make your own decisions about life, so I can’t stop you from making mistakes. Not that I think you’re making too many,” he told me with a small smile. “But I felt the need to warn you, and maybe I went about it the wrong way.” He sighed, and looked down at his hands holding the picture that was still face down. “I don’t like seeing people get hurt, but it is part of life. I really hope that you never get hurt, Bella. Who you love is your business, not mine.”

He stood, dropping the picture (still upside down) in front of me.

“I do care about you, so if you ever need anything…you know where I am.”

The door was closing behind him, before I even realized that he was leaving the room. I turned back to the desk to look at the white piece of paper. I grabbed it and turned it over. There on the page was a beautifully drawn picture of two people. They were lying in a bed, the covers all bunched up. A few pillows had been thrown on the ground. There were small smiles on the mouths of the man and woman, and the woman was tightly wrapped up in the man. I was startled to notice that it was Spike and I in the pictured. At the bottom there was a little note.

Dear Bella,
I went to talk to Spike last night and found you two together. If this is something you really want, go for it. I will not hold you back. You do look happy, and I want you to be happy. You’ve brought so much to us since you were nearly dropped into our laps, and we love you dearly for it. Choose your path wisely, because Lorne tells me you have had it hard in the past, and will have trials in the future.

Angel

His hand writing was beautiful. I wiped away a few tears and looked back at the picture. I did look happy. A few short months before, I hadn’t thought that I would ever be happy again, but here I was. And I was happy, and that was something that I was holding close to my heart. If I could be happy here, then this was where I was going to stay. Jake was just going to have to deal.

I grabbed a piece of paper off of Angel’s desk and grabbed pen.

Dear Angel,
Thank you! This means so much to me, and I am glad that you drew this picture for me. It made me realize a few things. A few things that I think are crucial in finding my ‘path’. I love all of you also, and even though I have not been here for very long, all of you have still helped me a great deal.

Bella




******
A/N: Okay, so this is the part where I (the writer) ask you (the reader) for help. I’m having a little friendly competition with myself. I know this sounds strange, but I’m trying to beat out my record of 155 reviews in total for a fanfic. Now it’s obvious that this does not have to happen now…because there will be many more chapters to this fanfic. However, I would like to start now. So review if you would like to help me out. I’m not going to say something stupid like, “there will be no more chapters posted if I don’t get (insert # of reviews here) of review in the next week”. That would be idiotic of course I’ll still post even if I only get one reveiw. If you feel as if you have nothing to say…don’t worry! Just tell my an interesting fact that I don’t know…or tell me how you are liking the story so far…or tell me your favorite thing about the story so far…whatever you want!