Why The Big Bad Shouldn't Follow a Pussy
Author: White Werewolf
Category: Buffy/Spike, Buffy/Xander. Not really a shipper fic.
Summery: Finding out that Buffy likes hairy pets from a conversation between her and Xander, Spike goes and gets her a cat.
Timeframe: Fifth Season. Riley is gone like in the show. Spike's in his obsessive Buffy stage. Glory never came. And, Joyce isn't dead. Anya ended it with Xander due to the fact that he's been spending too much time at the Summers.
Disclaimer: Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is owned by Whedon, UPN, Fox, and ME. Saturday Night Live is owned by Michaels and NBC.
Author Notes: This is not Spike friendly. If you are a Spike fan, do not read this. You have been warned. I got this idea from watching an old sketch on SNL. Think circa 1988. I know, I may be dating myself, but who cares?
"Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!"
April 29, 2001
Buffy successfully staked her final vampire, "That was fun," she said to herself. After dusting the remaining dust off, she headed for her friend. Offering him her hand, Buffy stated, "You didn't do too badly, Xand."
He smiled, "Thanks, Buff. But you should know, I'd never turn down a chance to spend time with my favorite Slayer."
Her eyes widened and a big grin appeared on her face, "I'm you're favorite?"
The carpenter nodded, "Of course. The only other slayers that I know of are Kendra and Faith. Kendra's dead, and Faith's in jail. Oh, and then there's the first slayer that was in all are dreams that time too."
She pouted, "So, I'm your last resort? I feel just great."
An arm was draped around her shoulders, "No, I mean it, Buffy. You're my favorite. Dawn is my favorite key, Oz is my favorite werewolf, and Willow and Tara are my favorite witches. You're all important to me."
"Good," she stated, "so, how are you feeling about Anya leaving you?"
Anya was always a sensitive subject for Xander, but he understood her reason for leaving Sunnydale. If she did love him, then she wouldn't mind all the time that he spent with Buffy, Dawn, and Joyce. But, she didn't, and he decided to move on with his life. "I'm feeling a little bit lonely, but I knew that was going to happen."
She wrapped her arm around his waist, and pulled him close, "You're never lonely with me around. You're going to have to seperate us with a crowbar."
A chuckle was sounded, "The bad part of that is that neither of us have a crowbar. I guess we are stuck together."
"I have no problem with that, Xand."
Xander unwrapped his arm and dove his hands in his pockets. At the same time, Buffy unwrapped her arm and crossed them, hugging her chest. The duo continued to walk through the cemetery.
"Even though that you're always going to be there for me, Buff. And I'm glad you are, really."
She looked at him, "Really?"
The young man nodded, "Definitely. But, I need something more. Y'know, to fill that empty void. But I don't think that's possible."
Buffy knew that he needed someone. He truly loved Anya, but when she left, Xander shut down. If it weren't for her, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles, and her mother, he would stay in his apartment and become a hermit crab. Then something hit her, "Well, you could get a pet?"
A pet? Xander never thought about getting a pet. He had a gold fish when he was younger, but his father flushed it down the toilet as a punishment. However, now he was living on his own, and a pet may sound like a good idea. "What do you suggest?"
His friend grinned, "How about a cat? I know I love them, and they're always fun to have around."
"Even though they're lazy?"
She shook her head, "Some cats are lazy. But, at least they're not dogs. Dogs eat their own vomit."
"Thanks for that mental image."
"No problem." She looked at her friend again, "so, how about it? Want to buy a cat?"
Xander shrugged, "Why not?" The brunette faced his friend, "Do you want to help me choose one tomorrow?"
This time, Buffy draped her arm around his shoulders as they continued to walk, "I'd love to."
"Great," he said with a lopsided grin, "we can get one after you finish your classes tomorrow. I'll pick you up at your dorm. Just call my cellphone first, and I'll get off work."
"Sounds like a plan to me."
He looked at his watch, and it was a little after midnight, "I hate to have to stop this, Buff. But, I got work in the morning, and you got some classes. How about we call it a night?"
Buffy scanned the graveyard one more time, and saw no new fledgling vampires rising from the grave. After a sudden yawn, she replied, "Sure. I'm actually kind of beat. And since there aren't any vampires around, I might as well as go home."
"Okay then, I guess I'll see ya tomorrow, Buffy."
She nodded, "Sure. "Later, Xander."
With that said, Buffy and Xander headed out of the cemetery. Buffy went back to her dorm, while Xander went for his apartment.
If they stayed any longer they would've seen Spike standing by a tombstone, "So, you love cats, huh? Maybe if I get you one, you'll go out with me, luv."
A smiled crossed his face, knowing to get the cat tomorrow before Xander and Buffy go cat shopping.
April 30, 2001
The window that was in the door shattered as a hand poked through and unlocked it. The door swung open to reveal Spike.
Making sure that there was no alarm, Spike withdrew a knife that he had that was attached from his belt, and flung it at the alarm. Thus causing the alarm not to go off.
After placing the knife back, Spike went into the store, and withdrew a flashlight. He turned it on, and started to search the store for some cats.
As he walked through the store, he saw the usual. The vampire saw dogs, frogs, snakes, mice, hamsters, and finally what he was looking for. He saw the cats.
Spike approached the cats, but then saw two cages. In one cage was five cats, in the other one was just one. The chipped demon tore the door off its hinges, and pulled out the cat. "Why are you all by yourself?"
The cat didn't answer.
The vampire looked at the cage, and noticed a nametag at the bottom of the cage. It read, 'Toonces--the Driving Cat.'
His eyes widened, "You can drive?"
The cat nodded.
Then Spike continued, "This I gotta see."
With that said, Spike headed out of the door with Toonces under his arm.
April 30, 2001
Spike climbed into his car, and placed Toonces in the driving seat. After buckling him up, Spiked locked the driver's door, and sat down in the passenger seat. "Let's see how well you drive?"
The vampire handed his keys to the driving cat, and turned on the ignition. "Alright, Toonces, drive."
Toonces nodded, and looked out the back window. When the coast was clear, Toonces put the car in reverse, and backed out of the parking space. Then he put the car in drive, and drove out of the lot.
Spike watched in amazement, as Toonces drove, "Not bad. Not bad at all. Buffy will love me for sure now."
The cat continued his driving, and soon the car was on the highway. Due to the fact that it was still early, nobody was up.
The blond was shocked, "You really can drive? That's bloody impressive. Now, turn around and drive back to Sunnydale."
Toonces did as he was told, and turned the car around. But, there was a problem. Toonces over shot his turn, and the car sped off into the rail. Due to the fact that he had short legs, he couldn't reach the brake.
And before Spike could say anything, the car lost control, and drove off the highway and down the hill.
Before the car hit the ground, Spike noticed a tag that hung from the cat's neck. He tore it off, and read it, "I can drive, but not very well."
And before he could do anything else, the car hit the ground and exploded, pieces flew everywhere, and the car burst out into flames.
With all his strength, he couldn't get out of the car in time. If he did, Spike still wouldn't have had enough time. The sun was on the horizon. That meant for sure that this was a bad time for any vampire.
Sure enough, his skin burned, and he crumbled to dust. All that was left was the microchip that the blond demon had in his brain.
Suddenly, a piece of the car door moved, and a paw popped out. Soon, the paw pushed the door out of the way, and Toonces crawled out of the car wreckage.
It was always the same thing with Toonces. Whenever he drove a car, the car would go off the highway or cliff and get destroyed. And it always was the same outcome. The cat would escape scratch-free. But, the passenger would die from the impact. This probably meant that Toonces had more than nine lives.
April 30, 2001
An alarm went off, and soon the radio turned onto channel 94.7. The announcer said, "Good morning, Sunnydale!
Sources say that there was a car accident earlier this morning. The car was a 1962 Black Dodge Desodo. The accident happened at Exit 17. It appears that the driver was headed for Sunnydale, California. All that was found was a cat. It appears that the driver disappeared, and is no where to be found. Further news as follows."
The name of the car caused Xander to immediately sit up in his bed, and said to himself, "1962 Black Dodge Desodo? That's Spike's car?"
The announcer continued, "The license plate read, I-Big-Bad."
That proved it, it was Spike's car. But, why would Spike drive out during the night when it was so close to the morning's awakening.
Xander wanted to find out the truth, so he headed to where the announcer said the car was. When he found out, Xander quickly turned off the radio, got dressed, and headed for the car.
April 30, 2001
Xander arrived at the scene only to find Spike's car being inspected by numerous police officers.
He got out of his car, and saw the cat that the radio was talking about sitting by the wrekage. With a shrug, the carpenter approached the cat.
But, before he could pick up the cat, a police man came over to him, "This is a private investigation, young man. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Xander looked at the cat, and knew he couldn't leave the cat alone. Maybe, because of what he was talking about with Buffy last night, he wanted to keep the cat. Then he thought of something, "I know the owner of the cat, Officer. He would want me to look after him if anything happened."
The officer's eyes widened, "You know the driver? Would you mind shedding some light on the situation? All we found is what appears to be is a microchip."
His mind screamed at the mention of the chip. This proved it. The car and the chip belonged to Spike. There was one question he wanted to ask, "Did you find any dust by that chip?"
He raised his eyebrow, "What do you know about this, young man?"
The brunette answered, "I know the driver. But, by the looks of this, it doesn't look good. I'm concerned about the cat. Would you mind if I keep an eye on him, while you look for the driver? I wouldn't want to leave the cat alone."
The officer looked back at the car, and then back at Xander, "I don't see why not. But, can I get your name and number for the driver. Let him know where to find Toonces."
The officer nodded, "That's the cat's name."
Xander quickly thought about giving his real name, but then that might not be the best idea. After all, Spike was gone, and then the police would go after him when they couldn't find the vampire. So, he decided to give a fake name and number, "Sure, Officer. My name's Fletcher Reed. And, my number is 746-5618."
The officer went over to the cat, and picked him. Then he went over to Xander, "Here you go, Mr. Reed. When we find the driver, we'll tell him that you have him."
The carpenter took the cat, "Good. I'll talk to you later."
With that said, Xander took Toonces back to his car, and buckled him in the passenger seat. Xander sat in the driver seat, and drove off for Buffy and Willow's dorm.
Buffy and Willow's Dorm
April 30, 2001
Buffy zipped her back bag shut, and headed for the door. She extended her right arm and opened the door only to find Xander standing there. "Hey, Xand. Wasn't expecting you until later today."
Xander brought Toonces from behind his back, and showed him to her, "Can we talk?"
The blond looked at her watch, and discovered that she had some time before class. She nodded, "C'mon in, Xander. What's up?"
Her friend walked into the room and headed for the bed. When he reached it, he spun around to look at her, "Guess where I found this cat?"
She shrugged, "Where?"
"The radio woke me up this morning, and the news was on. There was a car accident earlier this morning."
He continued, "So, the police found Toonces by Spike car. And it looks like Spike is dust. There was dust at the bottom of the car, and a microchip was in the center. It looks like Spike's dead. From what I can tell is from the sun. I asked the police officer to take the cat off his hands. And, he gave him to me."
Buffy placed her back on her bed, and grabbed Toonces from Xander. "He's so cute. But, where's his tag?"
Xander sat down at the foot of the bed. "I don't know, Buff. But, knowing Spike, he probably either won him in a game of poker or stole him. I even thought about keeping him. However, I don't want the police to keep bothering me when they find out Spike is missing."
The blond looked up from the cat. "What do you want me to do about it?"
The carpenter patted the space next to him. Buffy understood, and sat down next to him. "Well, for one thing for sure, Spike is gone. So, he won't bother us again. And I thought about the pet buying. I decided to get a dog."
She pouted, "A dog? I thought we decided to get a cat."
He nodded, "We did. But, if Toonces was the only surviving animal from the crash, then it means that he must have had something to do with it. Plus, I don't think a cat in my apartment by itself would be a good idea. So, I figured a dog would be better."
The Slayer petted the cat's back, "What do we do with Toonces then?"
Xander smiled, "I got an idea."
May 5, 2001
A sudden knock was heard on a door. A person opened it to reveal a package. She looked out front, and saw the delivery truck driving away.
"Who's there, Samantha?"
She picked it up, and handed the package to her husband, "We got a package from a Buffy Summers."
"Really? I wonder what Buffy sent us?"
Samantha answered, "Open it up, Riley."
Riley obeyed, and opened the package. He went inside, and pulled out a cat. Attached to his collar was a note.
He ripped it out of the collar, and opened it up. He read it, "Riley,
Please take care of Toonces for us. Thanks.
The commando folded the note up, "It looks like we have a pet."
"He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!"