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Trade 'Em If You Got 'Em

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Summary: By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth, one of these days he's going to get caught.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Simpsons, The(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1315740595131 Aug 0931 Aug 09Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Simpsons characters are the property of their original owners.



Late one night, in the deepest, darkest corner of the basement below the Cleveland Slayers House:

"Hiya!"

"Hey, kid."

"You got my stuff?"

"Yeah, yeah -- just keep it down, willya? You got a buncha supergirls with really good hearing up there, you know."

"No problem. They think I'm just the research geek. Nobody remembers anymore that I can do some magic -- well, Willow knows, but she's okay with it. I think she's just glad not to hear whatever I'm doing when I put up the silencing spell."

"Cool."

"Thanks. Uh, me, I just hope she never detects you. Are you really sure about this? I mean, dimension portals are serious spells--"

"No magic at all, little dude, just technology. The only way she'd be able to notice me if she got her hands on several billion dollars' worth of stuff made in zero-g industries. Not much chance of that, right?"

"I guess not. Okay, the usual for this month?"

"You betcha, all the DC and Marvel issues, plus whatever you checked on the list for the other independents. Got the cash?"

"Here you go. Hey, it's the new Byrne Superman!"

"Forty, sixty, eighty -- yup, he's starting a new run. Sounds like it should be major."

"Wow."

"Indeed. Listen, I know it's hard, but we gotta do our other business first, so could you wait until later to read 'em?"

"Lemme finish this page -- ahhhh. Okay, I got it right here in my pocket. A genuine Alexander LaVelle Harris eyepatch. It's a spare, but he's worn it."

"About time! I got a customer waiting three months for it."

"Yeah, well, I'VE been waiting six months for what you promised me!"

"Your wait is over, little dude. Tah-daaaah! One genuine Nick Fury eyepatch!"

"You're sure it's from the right era?"

"Are you kidding me? Look at the lines, the shading! Only Steranko was ever able to draw a sexy eyepatch!"

"Okay, gimme. Now, here's in the bag what you wanted. An actual, unwashed t-shirt Faith wore during a long patrol."

"Hand it over!" *Snnniiiifffff!* "Ahhhh.... This goes into my personal collection."

"Yeah, whatever. Uh, you got....?"

"Huh? Okay, okay, right here. Ah, could you wait until I'm gone before you do whatever you're gonna do--"

*Unwrapping* "Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh ye-- Hey! Why is it pink?"

"Relax, it's an authentic Nightwing jockstrap. Remember, Alfred did all the laundry, so the kid never learned to separate his whites. So, when he tossed it into the washer along with Tim's tunic-- Well, you can see the results."

"That makes it even better!"

"I guess. Anything else? C'mon, you know I really want one."

"I've told you over and over what happens to just about all the stakes Buffy uses, right into ashes along with the vampires. And before you start again, NO, I am NOT going to go anywhere near Mr. Pointy!"

"Pleeeeease? I think I might be able to score you an inactivated Green Lantern power ring--"

"Not even for a working one! If they caught me, the Guardians would be a hell of a lot more civilized about it than Buffy would be!"

"Wuss."

"Prick."

"Same time next month?"

"Yeah, apocalypse season should be over then."

"Okay, seeya, Andrew."

"Bye, Comic Book Guy."

*Flooooop* A dimension portal now collapsed, sealing off the link between Cleveland and Springfield.



Author's Note (with triumphant fanfare):

September 1, 2008 -- 1st story, and first fanfic ever.

August 31, 2009 -- 50th story.

The End

You have reached the end of "Trade 'Em If You Got 'Em". This story is complete.

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