Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Faith the Destroyer.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

This story is No. 1 in the series "Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenians.". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: Xover with the movie ‘Conan the Destroyer’. A trip to a department store to buy clothes for Dawn turns into a quest of epic proportions. Dawn and Faith are transported into an age of adventure. Cue epic music!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Conan the Barbarian/Destroyer(Recent Donor)DaveTurnerFR151029,92149715,1244 Sep 0922 Sep 09Yes

Chapter One

Faith the Destroyer.
By Dave Turner.

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or ‘Conan the Destroyer’. BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. ‘Conan’ belongs to the estate of Robert E Howard (I think). ‘Conan the Destroyer’ was written by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, and directed by Richard Fleischer. I write these stories for fun not profit.

Crossover: Post S7 BtVS with the movie, ‘Conan the destroyer’.

Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar; Written in glorious English-English. Mostly American idioms are used throughout this fic.

Timeline: BtVS; A month or so after the end of S7. The slayers have moved to Cleveland but Buffy and Dawn have not yet gone to Italy.

Words: 10 Chapters of 2500+ words.

Warnings: None.

Summary: Xover with the movie ‘Conan the Destroyer’. A trip to a department store to buy clothes for Dawn turns into a quest of epic proportions. Dawn and Faith are transported into an age of adventure. Cue epic music!

Faith the Destroyer.
By Dave Turner.

’Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Arius, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world. Hither came Faith the Buff Barbarian, sword in hand. It is I, her chronicler, that knows well her saga. Now let me tell you of the days of high adventure and of Faith the Destroyer!’


Standing on a rocky hillside Faith looked around slowly, this was so not the shopping mall in Middlesbrough, Cleveland. Miles and miles of semi-desert stretched out before her; New Mexico or Arizona she guessed, definitely not Northern England. She glanced down at herself, crap, no clothes; she turned her eyes to where the sun stood about two fingers above the horizon. Very soon sunburn or freezing temperatures were going to be an issue, it depended on whether the sun was rising or setting.

Dawn’s scream interrupted Faith’s thoughts; it wasn’t one of her signature ‘Help I’m being attacked by a vampire’ type screams. Those were generally known for their volume and the way they set your teeth on edge, no this was more of a questioning, ‘Oh my god, what’s happened’, type scream. Faith turned to look at Dawn and raised an eyebrow, the girl was naked too. Cuddling up to Buffy’s naked, seventeen year old sister for warmth did not appeal. It might be fun for someone like Red but Faith wasn’t that sort of girl, she liked to drive stick.

Walking over to Dawn, Faith’s opinion of ‘the brat’ went up a couple of notches.

“Hey,” she leered suggestively, “does ‘B’ know you got a Brazilian?”

“No!” squeaked Dawn, “And you’re so not going to tell her!”

“Don’t think it’s gonna be an issue,” Faith jumped to the top of a boulder to give herself a couple more feet of elevation, she still couldn’t see anything except sand, rocks and stunted bushes.

“Okay,” she sighed as she looked down at Dawn, “what did you do?”


It had started out as a normal day in the sea front hotel where they were staying; Dawn had wanted to go shopping (something about clothes for the trip to Italy). Buffy had been too busy so Faith had drawn the short straw and got ‘Dawn guard detail’. They’d been wondering aimlessly through some big department store; Dawn had been chattering on about what she was going to be doing in Rome. Then she’d called Faith over to look at some jewellery. Faith had gone, looked, and not been impressed (she wasn’t big into jewellery; well not the sort that seemed to excite Dawn). There’d been a bright flash, a sensation like falling, then ‘WHAM!’ they were holding their very own nudist convention on a barren hillside in the desert.


“I didn’t do anything!” Dawn fidgeted trying to cover her embarrassment with her hands.

“Don’t sweat it, kid,” Faith gave Dawn a disdainful look, “you ain’t got nothin’ I’ve not seen before.”

After a couple of years in prison Faith didn’t have much in the way of nudity taboos left and anyway, she didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, she was hot!

“Yeah, well, you’ve not seen mine,” Dawn gave up trying to cover herself with her hands and arms, “and don’t call me kid…I’m as tall as you are, and…” Dawn looked from Faith’s breasts to her own, “almost as big.”

Faith smiled and laughed, “You’ll do ki…Dawn.”

Noticing that her shadow had got slightly shorter while they were talking, Faith looked over to where the sun was climbing higher into the sky.

“What are we going to do, Faith?” Dawn looked around hoping to find some comfort in this desolate place.

“Find somewhere to get out of the sun,” for a moment Faith thanked whoever that neither Dawn nor herself were blondes, “find some clothes and find out where we are.”

“You think we’re back in the States?” Dawn walked over to stand next to Faith’s boulder.

“Maybe,” Faith jumped down, “I’m thinking New Mexico or Arizona.”

“So,” Dawn glanced at the sun, she’d noticed it was rising too, “if that’s east,” she nodded towards the sun, “that should be north,” she gestured down the slope.

“So?” Faith shrugged, “What difference does it make which way we go?”

“Well,” Dawn rested her hand on her hip, “it’s sort of traditional to head north in these kinda situations and-and look!” Dawn pointed excitedly; she’d noticed something Faith obviously hadn’t, “Like, a track!”

Following Dawn’s pointing finger Faith saw the track, it wasn’t much but it was definitely a track; maybe it would lead back to civilisation and clothes stores.

“Hey!” Faith grinned a she started to walk down slope, “I knew there was a reason I’d brought you along!”


The sun was about half way up the sky and Faith guessed that they’d covered about three, maybe four miles. She’d only really started to worry about a mile back. The track was about six feet wide, and showed no evidence of ever having been used by vehicles; no tyre tracks, none of the inevitable bits and pieces of junk you found near a road, nothing that would clue them in on where they were. They’d not found any clothes or shelter either. Faith was just starting to feel the sun begin to burn her face and chest; water was going to be a problem soon too. She thought about asking Dawn how long you could go without water but decided not to bother her. The kid was doing okay, not too much whining and she was keeping up. Perhaps she’d been lucky; if she was going to be lost in the desert with one of the Summers’ sisters it was better to have Dawn along. Faith was so busy thanking her lucky stars that ‘B’ wasn’t with her that she almost didn’t notice the sound of little tinkly bells coming towards them around a bend in the track.

“Hide!” she whispered urgently as she pushed Dawn off the track and into the cover of a large thorn bush.

“What!?” Dawn pushed Faith’s hand away from her mouth before peering around the bush, “Don’t think we’re in the States, look!”

“A-rabs!” Faith hunkered down and watched the men make their way along the track.

There, a couple of dozen yards down the track were a group of five men riding three donkeys. They wore off white robes and coloured turbans much like you saw Afghans wear. There was no evidence of firearms but each man carried a sword or a spear. Faith turned to grin at Dawn.

“Looks like our ride’s just arrived,” she rolled her shoulders, as she stood up. “Now, the problem is; how do you divide five A-rabs from three donkeys and still have two hot American chicks left over?” Faith had remembered that phrase (or something like it) from an old movie and she’d been looking for a way to use it for ages.

Pleased with herself, Faith walked out from behind the bush and went to stand in the middle of the track. The little party of ‘A-rabs’ came to an untidy halt as soon as they noticed the dark haired, and more importantly, naked, beauty standing in front of them. They grinned lasciviously at each other and Faith; it seemed to them that the gods were favouring them. They were, of course, mistaken.

Faith sighed and placed her hands on her hips, the ‘A-rabs’ grinned the harder and started to dismount.

“Give me your clothes, donkeys and anything else you got that might be useful,” Faith demanded belligerently, “NOW!”


Still hiding behind the bush Dawn winced every time Faith punched or kicked one of the ‘A-rabs’. She squirmed in sympathy at the cries of pain that rose from the men each time Faith broke a bone. After only a minute or two the men knelt in the sand pleading for mercy, they’d thrown down their weapons and had started to pull off their robes. When they saw Dawn start to walk towards them they redoubled their efforts to appease these obviously powerful goddess’. Very soon they were standing dressed only in their loin cloths and turbans.

“Five by five,” Faith smiled at Dawn as she dusted off hands, “five by five.”


A couple of months later.

Dawn’s hips swayed in time with the music as she danced across the floor towards the fat merchant. Lamp light flickered off the jewel in her navel as she ran her hands across her body enticing her audience with the promise of secrets as yet to be revealed. Though to be honest, Dawn didn’t have that many secrets left to reveal, most of them were already on display. The amount of material in her costume probably amounted to no more than about a square foot.

The merchant sat in the seat of honour and licked his fat lips as Dawn made her way towards him. Her body called to him hypnotically as the music beat against his brain numbing his senses. Dawn smiled licking her own lips provocatively as the music increased in tempo. Her bracelets and bangles jingled together as she gyrated enticingly in front of her mark.

The merchant wiped at the sweat on his forehead with a silk scarf. He picked up his wine goblet in trembling fingers and drank; some of the red wine escaped his mouth and ran down his chin. The dancing girl smiled at him as the music came to a climax before crashing to a halt as the girl fell to the floor to lie tantalisingly close.

Dawn smiled as if in appreciation of the applause she was receiving for her performance, in reality she was calculating the worth of the merchant’s bejewelled rings and the gold chains that hung around his neck. As the applause started to fade in perpetration for the next act, Dawn climbed lithely to her feet and just as lithely jumped into the merchant’s lap. She put her arm around his neck and ran her free hand across his cheek.

She tried not to shudder in disgust at the touch of his clammy skin, or as the merchant ran a sweaty fat hand up her thigh to rest on her hip. The hot, hard object that was pressed against her butt cheek just didn’t bear thinking about either. She squirmed in his lap and turned to whisper in his ear all the time thinking, ‘Jeez! This is, like, soooo gross!’

“Do you want to finish this upstairs?” she whispered, she pulled back her head to look him in the eye and fluttered her eyelashes just for good measure.

Prostitution was officially illegal within city limits but exotic dancing wasn’t. If a dancing girl wanted to take a customer up to her room for a private performance and receive a gift from her admirer; well, that was nothing to do with the city fathers…as long as she remembered to pay her ‘taxes’.


Dawn led the merchant into her little room above the tavern where she was working this week. She lit a couple of more lamps from the one she had left alight for just that purpose, she was however, careful to leave one corner of the room in deep shadow.

“Okay!” she turned towards the merchant and started to remove her bangles before putting them on a small table by the bed, “Let’s get the dickering out the way first before we get down to business.”

The merchant fiddled with his rings and licked his lips again, he seemed to have a tent pole hidden in his robes, either that or he was really pleased to see Dawn start to take off what few clothes she was still wearing. He nodded his head eagerly.

“Right,” Dawn said in a no-nonsense tone of voice, “my price is five silver florins and,” Dawn ran her eye over the merchant’s corpulent form, “I go on top!”

“Five!” exclaimed the merchant in a surprisingly high pitched voice, “You want five? You’re only worth two at most…you’re all skin and bone!”

The bargaining went on for several more minutes; this was one of the parts Dawn liked. It amused her to see how much a man would pay to enjoy her ‘charms’. Five silver florins were quite a lot to pay for a mere dancing girl, even one like her. Eventually they settled on three and if she agreed to do a couple of other things (the sort of things that made her feel slightly ill just at the mere idea) he’d give her another two and a half florins extra.

“Okay, get undressed and lie on the bed,” Dawn reached behind her back as if to untie what could laughingly be referred to as her ‘bra’.

She paused as a dark, fur bikini clad figure stepped out of the shadows and rapped the merchant smartly on the back of the head. Dawn really enjoyed that part too, more so even than the ‘dickering’. The merchant groaned and crashed to the floor where he lay very still. Dawn and Faith exchanged smiles before they fell on the merchant and began to divest him of his worldly goods.


Having come out of the desert with only the filthy rags that they stood up in Faith and Dawn looked around for gainful employment in the first ‘city’ they came to. Finding that their choices were limited to marriage or prostitution they sat down and tried to turn the situation to their advantage.

Surprisingly it was Dawn who’d suggested their own little version of the ‘badger game’. Faith had listened sceptically at first but after she’d seen an example of Dawn’s (to describe it as dancing just didn’t do it justice, ‘dancing’ would run away and hide its head in shame if it saw what Dawn could do) expertise she’d agreed to the plan. When Faith questioned her on the whole ‘Exotic dancing’ thing, Dawn eventually admitted it was something she’d discovered she could do after being under a love spell in high school. She’d sort of kept it up and practiced whenever she’d had the time.

Faith had been impressed and found she had a new respect for the younger girl. Their first couple of attempts at their new livelihood had been a little shaky. But, as they’d moved from one mud walled city to another they’d perfected their trade. In their own way, and in the more criminal circles that they’d taken to moving in, they were quite famous.

Faith, never being one to stand idly by augmented their income with a little light burglary and brigandage. When in a city she sometimes hired herself out as a bodyguard but never as an assassin, she didn’t do that sort of thing any more.


Faith put coins and jewellery in their purses and hid them away in their packs; it was time to move on. Dawn had pulled off her dancing costume and was getting into her street clothes.

“Where to next?” she asked pulling her tunic over her head.

“How’d ya like to go to the coast?” Faith tapped the merchant on the head once more; he’d been starting to come around. “We’ve got enough money and stuff here to last a couple of months. I thought we’d move on maybe go to the capital…richer pickings, y’know?”

“Sounds good to me,” Dawn finished putting on her skirt and boots, “good to go?”

“Yeah, good,” Faith tossed Dawn her pack, “Hey what’s that?”

The sound of sandaled feet came to them from the stairs outside.

“THE WATCH!” cried Dawn as she dived for the window just as the door burst open.

Dawn heard the clash of iron on bronze as Faith fought off the watchman. Climbing through the window she dropped lightly to the ground her own sword out and ready for trouble. Luckily the watch commander hadn’t thought to leave anyone outside to watch for people escaping. Running into the stable a few yards along the alley from her, Dawn pulled her own and Faith’s horses out and under the window, they’d already been saddled just in case something like this happened.

Listening to the screams of pain and the clashing of metal on metal issuing from the window above, Dawn mounted up and yelled for Faith to move her arse! There was an extra loud scream as Faith used one of the watchmen as a battering ram to make a new door in the mud brick wall. The watchman’s limp form fell to the ground next to Dawn’s horse, followed seconds later by a grinning Faith her sword wet with blood.

Scrambling aboard her horse Faith cast one last look behind her before they galloped in the direction of the city gate. The guards on the gate slowed their progress for all of a minute after which Dawn and Faith were free to gallop off into the night and on to new adventures.

Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking