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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718751,79730 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

It's a What?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.


*Mental conversation*



Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive, Stewie's Basement Lab.





Stewie was not happy. Not happy at all. Oh sure He got to close the Disney deal last night, but losing Rupert Giles and Jenny Calendar, both in the same night was intolerable. Every thing began as he predicted it would.

Closing the deal on both assets was just not in the works. "I hate setbacks.' he thinks.

Giles had some kind of inner demon, and Jenny Calendar had multi-layered protections. Both were now part of the dog pack. But they both had their free will, just like Cordelia. He did however get enough information to know that Jenny was born, a gypsy. Her real name was Janna Kalderash. The real treasure trove, was that she was here to watch Angel, who used to go by the name of Angelus.

'Note to self: Research Angelus.' he thinks, as he makes a note in his PDA. 'It should be amusing to see Rupert and Jenny dance around each other. Their heightened senses will drive them mad. Ha! It should have the same effect on Cordelia and the girls. I think the girls should start going to the library more often. Their scent should drive the librarian up the walls. Ooh. Jenny and Cordelia are both Alphas. There should be some sparks between them as well. Another note to self: increase the surveillance in the library from all angels. Must also check the job the girls did on the rest of the school.'

He went up into the kitchen where Joyce was cooking breakfast. Her scent was off slightly. she also looked a little smug. Like the cat that got the canary.

"Good morning mother. How was your trip?" he asks.

"It was absolutely divine. I really must thank you for lending me Willow and Xander last night." she tells him.

"Anytime you need them, just ask. That's what employees 'And minions' are for." he says as he takes a seat at the table. Joyce serves up a huge breakfast.

"Eat up dear. You are a growing boy after all." Joyce says with smile that seems permanently plastered to her face.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this relaxed. It's like you've shed twenty years." he tells her.

"You're such a flatterer." she says giving him a hug.

'Why does she have Xander and Willow's sent all over her like that. I really must warn those two to tone it down. Mother can tell when they're having sex now that she's part of our hyena pack. I swear, if I didn't know better I'd think that all three must have went at it all night long.' he thinks.

"So how was your trip to Rodeo drive with Willow and Xander?" he asks.

"I had a great time. I also enjoyed giving both of them a make over. It was like I was a teen again." she says with a kiss.

"What's that for?" he asks.

"That's for making last night possible. Also for the card. I've never seen the snooty sales girls jump that high, or that fast before. The moment I flashed the card, they couldn't do enough." Joyce gives him another hug and a kiss. "Eat up. I want my baby to grow up big and strong."

"Dammit mother. How often must I tell you that I am not a baby?" he says in exasperation.

"Stewie honey, you can grow up to be the size of a one thousand pound gorilla, but to me you'll alway be my baby. 'Cause you are." she says showering him with hugs and kisses.

"I really must tell Willow and Xander to bathe more often. Their sex smell is all over you." he complains.

Joyce smirks, but leaves him to his preconceptions about his mother. 'Um Hmm. Those two were just delicious. I wouldn't mind devouring them like I did last night. Too bad Stewie thinks of like someone to be placed on a pedestal. A woman has needs and the opportunity to scratch that itch is so tempting. I guess I'll have to be a little careful around Stewie, until he grows up a bit.' she thinks as she gets her own breakfast and joins Stewie at the table.

After breakfast Stewie helps Joyce put the dishes in the dish washer he made for her. The clean up was fast, and since he doesn't watch morning cartoons and she didn't have to open the gallery on the weekend they got dressed for a quick run.

"Come on honey. I'll race you." she says as she takes off without warning.

'I guess Buffy has to get that from somewhere.' he thinks, as he presses a button on his PDA to close the house and set the alarms. Anyone that had the misfortune of breaking and entering, into the house would be met by the new transformable robotic furniture. They'd be lucky to escape as his new lab subjects.



Sunnydale, SRL Building, Parking Lot.





"I still can't believe that place belongs to you." Joyce tells her son as they run though the parking lot.

"I know it's small. I'll be expanding to other high sector areas around the state and the country in the next couple of years." he replies.

"Have I told you lately that I'm proud of you?" she says, as they continue their run along the joggers path.

"Yes you have, but don't stop. I can never get enough." he tells her.

Joyce laughs and promises not to.

Both were using a ground eating pace that was deceptively fast. Along the path they come across Mister Giles, out for his morning run.

"Good morning." he says to the the mother and brother of his slayer.

"Good morning." Stewie says with a slight bit of annoyance at the Watcher interrupting his quality time with his mother.

"Good morning Mister Giles. I didn't know you jogged." she says.

"Well yes. One must keep in shape. Otherwise I would be a very pudgy librarian. This morning the urge to run has hit me, like nothing else has in years." says Giles.

"I know what you mean. It's like stretching muscles you didn't know you had." says Joyce. The Watcher's scent hits her like a Mack truck. The urge to take him right there and then is overpowering, but Stewie's presence stops her from embarrassing herself.

Giles feels the same pressure to take Joyce in front of her child. He doesn't know why, but the only thing that stops him is the absolute certainty that Stewie would make him suffer for a long time before he castrated him in public.

Giles joins the pair on their run around Sunnydale. Joyce tries to stop herself from flirting with Giles, Stewie was with after all, but she couldn't help it. Mister Giles was both sexy and her age. He has been around the block long enough to appreciate a woman of her experience, and it didn't hurt that he was responding tit for tat.

Stewie was growling. He knew his mother was an attractive woman, but Mister Giles was stepping out of bounds. 'Clearly steps would have to be taken to curb Giles's enthusiasm. He needs an outlet for all his repressed librarian and Watcher needs. The Cordettes will have to torment him mercilessly, and then direct his attentions to the gypsy.' he thinks as his growling grows in volume.

Giles's self preservation instincts kick in and he stops flirting with the dangerous fiends mother. "Oh I say. There's a new book store opening. If you'll excuse me..." he says, as he makes his escape.

"Stewie..." Joyce warns her son.

"Yes mother?" Stewie asks all innocent. His growling stops the moment Giles disappears into the bookstore.

"Never mind." she says in exasperation. He was still only ten. She keeps forgetting that just because he was a genius, it didn't mean his emotional maturity was on the same level.

Giles peaks out of the bookstores window display. Both Joyce and Stewie continue their run. Soon they're out of sight as they round a corner.

"Can I help you with anything?" asks a young woman from behind him.

"N-No, not really. I don't see anything here that catches my eye." he says not even looking back.

"I'll be over by the desk if something catches your fancy." she says going back to her work.

"T-Thank you." Giles says, as he turns around for the first time. He takes a second look, as he notices, just how attractive the young woman was, especially as she walks away. 'There must have been something in the food last night. I never felt this good in decades.' he thinks, as he gives the young woman a final look and walks out into the California sun.



Sunnydale, Rosenberg Residence, Willow's Room.





"We're so dead." Xander tells Willow.

"We're not. Stop with panic." says Willow, ash takes a hard look at the girl in the mirror. 'If I didn't know that was me I'd be all over that girl. When the hell did I become a bisexual person?' she thinks as she admires her reflection.

The serious make over Joyce put her and Xander through was life changing. Making love to Xander and Joyce after that was even more life changing. Now if she can only put the lid on Xander's panic attack life would be downright fantastic.

"Excuse me? We made Love to Joyce Summers. We're a dead couple walking." he tells her.

"For the final time stop it." she commands. "Buffy will understand. She's our friend." she tells him as she does a quick visit in fantasy land with Buffy and Joyce, until Mister Panic ruins the mood.

"It's not Buffy I'm worried about...much...It's Stewie. You don't know just how evil that little dude can be. What kind of an excuse can you use on a tell year old Evil Overlord. 'Excuse me sir, but your sainted mother went Mrs. Robinson all over me and Willow.' Please don't kill us. If we're lucky...He'll kill us." Xander tells her.

"Ha! Joyce is no saint. She's a... she's a wow." says Willow remembering last night.

"I'm not disagreeing with you on Joyce and her wow factor, but Stewie and his horror factor are the more powerful force. What are we going to do when puts the moves on us again... I don't think I could says no... I mean... It's like doing it with an older more stacked and experienced Buffy." he says.

Willow stops admiring herself in the mirror. She gets dressed in the new clothes Joyce bought for them, with Stewie's money. Her brain was working overtime to come up with a way to preserve her friendship with Buffy and keep their employer from making plans to have them sleep with the fishes.

Xander watches Willow as she put her new clothes on. His worries about surviving the day kept him from jumping her bones again. The new Willow was a 'WOW' person herself now. Who knew what she was hiding behind all those clothes.

"Come on Mister Mc Worry person. It's time to face the music." she says.

"Tell me it's an opera in Italy." he says.

"It's an opera in Italy." she tels him as she grabs him by the ear and pulls him after her.

"Since when did you learn to lie like a politician?" he asks.

Her response was to drag him out of the house. She was tired of the scardy cat act. Time to face the music, and Joyce... Ummmmm Joyce, and Stewie.



Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.





Joyce opens the front door. She smiles when she sees who it is.

"Willow, Xander. Come on in." she says as she invites them in.

"Morning Joyce." says Willow.

"Hey Mrs. Summers." says Xander.

"Mrs. Summers? That's not what you were calling me last night." she says, as her mind flashes back to the sexcapades at the private resort they spent the night at. She gives Willow a hug and kiss and as Xander walks by she pinches his ass.

"Yikes." he yelps as the playful older cougar laughs at his nervousness.

"Stewie's playing with his toys in the basement. I'll get him." she says leading the way into the kitchen. She put a little more oomph into her steps. More hip action. Both teens had their eyes glued to her behind as she put on the display.

'I still got it.' she thinks as she laughs at their reactions. It was so sweet.

Stewie. Willow and Xander are here to see you." she says to the empty kitchen.

"I don't get it." says Xander.

"What's that you don't get?" she asks.

"Did Stewie come up with an invisibility ray or something? 'Cause I don't see him." he asks.

"Wouldn't surprise me." she says. "But knowing my son like I do, he has the house wired for sound and video. He'll be up soon." she says.

Stewie opens the kitchen door at that very moment.

"Speaking of the devil..." she says.

"What about the devil?" Stewie asks his mother.

"It's just a saying dear." explains Joyce.

"Oh." he says. "Willow, Xander. I see you're here, and on time too. Punctuality. I like that." he tells them.

"Blame it on Willow. She's been Miss Punctuality for ten years running." says Xander.

"I get an award and everything." she explains.

Xander holds up his fingers a few inches apart to show the size of the awards.

Willow uses her elbow to let him know what she thinks of his mockery.

"Oof. They're very nice and important." he says trying to get recover his breath.

"Yes. Very droll. Alright stand up straight. Let's have a look at you. Now turn around." they turn around. "Good, good. Now walk back and forth." he instructs. "They walk back and forth. Stewie's shows his satisfaction at the vast improvement. Joyce does the same, but for a very different reason. "You've done a great job mother. Alright you two. Thank mother for the wonderful job she did. Her attention to detail has turned you two from fashion victims to something I'm willing to be seen with in public." he says.

"But you've been seen with us in public before." says Willow.

"I don't mean the high school public. I mean the corporate sector." he tells her. "Now both of you, come along we have a lot of work to do today." he tells them as they leave the house. Joyce sneaks a peak at the pair as they leave. Xander looks back and she gives him a wink.

He crashes into the couch and falls down.

Joyce laughs at his nervousness and helps him up. she gives him another pinch on the ass as he runs out of the house.

Her laughter speeds him on his way.

"Are you quite done playing with mother?" Stewie asks as he ignores his panicky reaction. "How was last night?" he asks Willow. "Did mother see to all your needs?" he asks.

"Y-Yes she did." replies Willow honestly. 'And how! I wonder if he's willing to have her do that to us again. It looks like we get to live after all. How about that?' she thinks.

*Did you hear that. It's going to be okay. It was his idea for Joyce to take care of us like that. Not another word on the subject.* she tells Xander.

*...That can't be right...* he says.

*Not! Another! Word!* she commands. *We're going to live...and I wouldn't mind a repeat with Joyce.*

*... .... ...!* is his response.

"What's wrong with him?" Stewie asks Willow.

"He still hasn't recovered from what Joyce did to him." Willow replies.

"Yes she can be quite demanding." he tells her. He faces Xander and tells him, "Be sure to do everything she tells you." he commands his minion.

"...E-Every...Everything?" he asks.

"Everything!" he commands.

"You're the boss." Xander says with a shrug. It was out of his hands. He was just a poor misused minion after all.



Sunnydale High School, Hall.







Stewie was standing in the middle of the hall. He was ignoring everyone around him. His PDA was telling him one thing and his senses were unable to give him a clear answer.

"Damn! Damn! Damn!" he says out loud.

Everyone has by this time got the message not to mess with Stewie. He'll seriously mess up up, if you do.

Xander and Willow catch his outburst.

"Good morning O' Master. What disturbs you so?" Xander says in a bad imitation of Igor.

"It's these blasted readings." he says showing them the display on the PDA.

After a few seconds Willow looks up from the display and looks around the hall. She frowns.

"I see what you mean." she says.

"I don't get it?" says Xander.

"Look at the display." says Willow.

"O-Kay. It says that there's eight blips, between the lines." he says.

"N-No. That's not it. Look...this is a representation of the hall. There you, me and Stewie in the middle. There's Emily and Brian kissing, by her locker. Johnny and Matt, by the water fountain, and there's something behind Emily, but not..." Willow explains to the clueless Xander.

"I get it. You wired the school." he says to Stewie. "Hmm." he frowns. "I wonder.

He walks in Emily's direction, with his eyes closed. he sniffs every few feet. The closer he gets to the kissing couple the easier it gets to pick up another girl's scent. He opens his eyes...nothing. He closes them and concentrates on his sense of hearing and his sense of smell.

He can detect another girl. There's three people there.

Someone punches him straight in the nose knocking him back a few feet. Didn't hurt, much, but it sure stung. When he opens his eyes, he sees Brian advancing on him with his fist about to hit again.

"Are you done sniffing my girl yet you freak?" he asks, as he swings again.

Had this been the Xander of a few month, the strike from the heavy set jock would have put him on his ass with a broken nose. This Xander was a different story. After the physical enhancements and the sadistic training under Herr Stewie the Taskmaster... the strike was easily avoided.

He catches Brian's fist, before it connects, and puts enough pressure on the fist to send Brian to his knees. "Shh. Be quite. You're scaring her away." Xander says gently to the jock.

"I'll kill you... If you touch my Emily..." says Brian.

"W-What are you talking about?" he asks Brian.

"You're sniffing my girl...You jerk..." says Brian in a pain filled voice.

"Wh-What? Oh?! That's not what it looks like..." he says letting go of the jock's fist. He can understand Brian's desire to protect his girl. He steps back and puts his hands up. "I'm not after your girl. Honest. But while you two were kissing did you sorta... maybe sense there was another person behind you?" he asks Brian.

Brian gives him the look that says 'What? Are you crazy.'

Xander gets a little flustered, but Emily saves him from further embarrassment.

"Yeah...Maybe. I think I smelled another girl's Perfume." says Emily.

"Thanks Emily... really sorry about this." he apologizes to Brian.

He walks back to Stewie and Willow.

"Well? what did find out?" Stewie asks Xander.

"Emily and Brian are screwing their brains out. They're mating like minks." Xander tells him.

"I don't give a damn about Brian and his dancer hussy. What did you find out about my Gremlin?" Stewie demands.

"Your Gremlin. Aren't you being a little possessive of thing on school property?" Xander asks his personal nightmare.

"Of course not. Who else would dare claim it." says Stewie.

"Point." concedes Xander.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Stewie and his people burst through the library doors. Stewie was upset about the Gremlins infesting his school.

The three students come to a crashing halt as they see Miss Calendar on top Giles humping away on top of the table they normally use for researching the latest Big Bad.

Xander and Willow have their eyes riveted on the topless computer teacher. Stewie sighs and turns around, closes, and locks the doors.

"Get off him you shameless hussy!" he commands when their arrival doesn't do anything to dampen the pairs enthusiasm.

"Do you mind...Come back in a few minutes when we're done." demands Miss Calendar.

"Um...No. Come on let's go into the office. Let them finish their rutting in peace." Stewie tells Willow and Xander. When the stunned teens don't jump to obey his commands he grabs their hands and drags them into the librarian's office. Both Xander and Willow had drool at the side of their faces.

"Thanks... Stewie...Lock...The... Door...Behind...You." says Miss Calendar.

"No!. And you have a few minutes to finish up." he growls back.

Miss Calendar shrugs, shudders at something else and ignores the interruption. Mister Giles couldn't care less at this point.

Inside the office, Stewie throws the two teens into Giles's chair. Willow on the bottom Xander on top.

Willow grabs her boyfriend and puts him into a lip lock that he welcomes, by returning the intensity of the embrace without ant regard to to the Uber fiend among them.

Stewie ignores them. He takes out his PDA and runs a quick scan of the school and of all the surveillance equipment that he planted, as well as those planted by the Mayor and Principle Snider.

He didn't know why the Mayor needed to keep an eye out on the school like this? It certainly wasn't for the safety of the students, considering the mortality rate in the school's obituary page.

It certainly was enough to start looking at the Mayor and his office.

After a few minutes he fills a glass of cold water, takes a sip and throws the rest on the half naked teens.

To be continued.
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