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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,32030 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





The loud constant knocking on the library doors puts the kibosh on Jenny's mood. She looks down at Giles, and he just shrugs, saying "It's up to you. We've already had our fun..."

Jenny sighs, but she agrees. She gets of the Watcher and puts her clothes in order. Giles does the same.

They hear loud shouting from the office. Stewie's voice reaches them. "Enough, put it back in your pants. We have important work to do."

"...And here we go again." says Giles, as he puts his jacket on.

"How do I look?" Jenny asks her lover.

"Enticing. Most teenage boys and some girls are going to get quite the treat." says Giles looking at her chest. Her excitement was there for anyone with eyes to see.

She looks down to her chest and laughs. "I see your points, or mine..."

The loud insistent knocking on the doors interrupts the rest of her sentence.

"I believe that must be Buffy. I'd best let her in before she breaks the doors." Giles tells her as he does just that.

Stewie along with Xander and Willow come out of the office. The older teens were still adjusting their clothes.

"Ah yes. I see you're done with your rutting ritual. Don't you have a class to teach or something?" asks Stewie.

"Watch it shrimp. I'm still a teacher, and you're just a student." Jenny says with a growl.

"Oh I'm so scarred. What will I ever do if they throw me out, for delinquency? Oh the horror..."

"Put a sock in it you Prima Donna." Jenny tells him with a laugh.

Xander and Willow laugh along with Jenny, and there's also a smile on Stewie's face. 'She has spunk. No wonder she's an Alpha. So's the Watcher, they make a good match. I must have them for my collection.' he thinks.

Giles opens the library doors, and Buffy barges in.

"What's going on?" she demands. "Why were the doors closed like that?" she scans the library and notices everyone else in the library for the first time. "Willow?"

"Hey Buffy!" says the flushed teen. "How was your weekend with your dad?" she asks.

"O-Kay...What's going on?" she asks.

"We're hunting gremlins. Would you like to help?" Stewie asks.

"Gremlins? W-What's going on?" she asks again.

"G-Gremlins...really?" asks Giles.

"You're kidding... here... The hellmouth scares those suckers." chips in Jenny.

"Uh huh. Xander got punched in the nose and everything." says Willow.

"I...I find that hard to believe." says Giles.

"He did have his eyes closed at the time. He was trying to sniff it out." explains Willow.

"I, uh... why did you have your eyes closed? To the best of my knowledge gremlins don't have the ability to disappear, or for that matter go invisible." Giles asks Xander.

Before Xander can answer Harmony runs into the library. She races up to Stewie and says, "Hide me. She's out of control."

"Why should I?...And who's out of control?" Stewie asks his girl Friday slash lab rat.

"It's Cordelia. She's on the war path. She's starting her campaign for May Queen a little early...And you said that I have to be at you beck and call at the drop of a hat. I can't do that if she puts me to work on her campaign." she explains.

"Yeah...I have to agree. Cordelia on the campaign trail is a scary thing. Some people run when they see her coming around this time of year." agrees Willow.

"What do you mean some people? It's just you losers." replies Harmony.

"Harmony not now. She is your boss. You have to give her the respect her position entitles her to." Stewie commands the girl.

"Uh uh. I want a bigger raise. A quarter mil., ain't gonna do it." she says.

"You pay her a quarter of a million dollars? Are you insane? She's not worth fifty cents." says Xander.

"Shut up you loser. You work for free." she says to Xander.

"Um, that's not quite right. We're working for a trust fund. Ten million each, over a ten year period. We take control of it on our twenty first birthday." says Willow.

"What?!?!!!" shouts Harmony. "NO! WAY! I want a raise." she demands.

"You pay them how much? I'm your sister... How come I don't get anything?" demands Buffy.

"What have you done for me lately?" Stewie asks his sister.

"I'm your sister..." she sputters.

"Yes and..." he asks.

"Stewie don't be so mean." Willow tells her boss.

Buffy advances on her brother with her tiny fists ready for action.

"Alright! bring it on!" says Stewie getting into a stance to meet her.

"Stewie tell her the truth. Buffy he didn't leave you out." says Willow trying to break up the fight, before it begins.

"W-What do you mean?" she asks her best friend.

"I set up your trust fund myself. Your mom has control until you turn twenty one." explains Willow.

"Why the hell did you do that? I haven't had good work out in a while." Stewie complains. "Well come on... Let's go..." he tries to goad his sister.

"The boy is insane." says Giles to Jenny.

"I'm going to agree with English here. You are one insane little puppy... You know that, right?" says Jenny.

"Hey! Leave my boss alone." says Harmony defending her boss like she's conditioned to do. The money he gives her has nothing to do with it. "So... Can I like get a raise...?" she asks.

"...We'll talk... come on..." he tells her. 'At least that part of her conditioning is working. She can't be that complicated, I wonder why it's not working properly. The other girls don't have the same problem.' he thinks.

"...What exactly are you paying them to do? And can I sign up?" asks Jenny.

"Wh...What? Jenny..." sputters Giles.

"Come on English. You're getting paid by the Watchers council. A girl has to make a living. You try and do that alone, on a teacher's salary." she tells him.

"..." Giles's reply is cut off, as Cordelia, along with the Cordettes behind her enter the library.

"We'll talk." answers Stewie.

"Harmony. There you are. Come one girl, we have a lot of work to do." says the future May Queen.

Harmony whimpers, but she complies with the royal command.

"Hold on. What are you doing with my girl?" asks Stewie.

"Your girl... Ha! In your dreams you Napoleon wanna be." says Cordelia.

"I see... And you're better how Queen Victoria?" he asks snidely.

"Nice one." comments Xander.

"Shut up dweeb!" commands Cordelia.

"Make me." Xander challenges the dog pack alpha.

"As if. You're not worth my time loser." she says. "Come on girls we have to plan our strategy." she says turning her back on Xander and the other Scoobies. She walks out of the library and stops beside Giles and Jenny. "That's a nice cologne your wearing Mister Giles." she says with a bright smile. "You might want to change your perfume Miss Calendar...there's something wrong with it." she says as she marches out of the library.

The Cordettes follow her out. As they walk out they all give the Watcher a flirt-y smile and avoid the scowl-y computer teacher.

Giles smiles back, until he sees Jenny's scowl. He quickly replaces the smile with a cough.

Jenny is no fooled. "They're all under age jail-bait. You know that...right?" she tells him.

"...W... What...No! Um...I..." he says, trying to defend his reaction.

"Uh huh. I'll see you later about that proposal Stewie." she says as she leaves to prepare for her own morning classes.

Buffy returns her attention back to her brother as the drama queen and her bitches file out of the library. "You set me up with a Trust Fund, and you didn't tell me. How could you not tell me? I'm your sister! you shouldn't be keeping stuff like that from me!" she demands.

"I have a lot of people who work for me. I didn't want you react any different." he tells her.

"As if. Your still my little brother. I'm not going to treat you any different, just because you have some money." she says.

"True. But that's not the same. If you though I gave you the money like that, you'd think I was buying you off." he explains.

"...You might be right. But now I know your not. So thanks for the Trust Fund. I like your optimism that I'll be around to collect it in five years." she says giving him a hug.

"Why wouldn't you be? I going to make sure nothing happens to you while I'm around." he tells her.

"I think I'm going to cry." says Willow as she turns to Xander "Hug me." she commands.

Xander doesn't have to be told twice. He hugs his girlfriend and slips in a few gropes here and there. Willow doesn't complain. It's to be expected. He was only a boy after all.

"That's all very nice, but get out." says Giles, as the bell rings.

The Scoobies run out of the library to their classes.

Stewie stops at the door. "We need to talk." he tells Giles.

"I, I agree. See me when you get your next break." he tells him.

"Stewie nods and goes on to his classes. Unlike everyone else around him, he doesn't run. After all, the Principal is in his pocket and most of his teachers know better than to give him any grief.


Sunnydale, SRL Building.






"Do you agree to these terms?" asks Stewie.

Jenny looks at the simple concise and clear contract in her hands. 'There's gotta be a catch here, but I just can't see it." she blinks as she looks at him, and back to the contract.

"What's the problem?" he asks, noticing her hesitation. "Is it not generous enough?" he asks.

"...More than... It's just... what's the catch?" she asks.

"No catch." he tells her. "You are the only techno pagan witch I know. Your expertise in this area is clearly demonstrated and I want to exploit it." he tells her.

"At least your being honest about your wanting to exploit me." she says in a flirt-y voice, but she quickly backs off. She know that it wouldn't work on him, no point. But flattery never hurts anyone. She just has to remember to her target when she's talking with Stewie. "Since you're being all honest and everything, tell me. are you responsible for my new condition?" she asks.

Stewie looks at her and studies her for a moment.

Jenny feels like she's under a microscope.

'I might as well tell her. if I'm to work with her I better keep the relationship honest from the beginning. It's not like she'll be able to tell anyone. at least that past of her conditioning works.' he thinks. "Yes I did." he tells her.

"Good I was going crazy trying to figure it out, but from my reaction to Giles, Cordelia and her girls I think I know what's going on." she says as she signs. If he had lied to her she was going to turn his offer down. But since he was willing to come out and admit the truth, she was willing to see how far he would go. 'I really don't mind all the extras. They might even keep me a live a little longer in this crazy town. And he certainly is paying for it.' she thinks, as she looks down at all those zeros on the contract. "What about Rupert?" she asks.

"He like you is a free agent. He wouldn't be of much use if he wasn't." he tells her.

"You couldn't control him either." she says.

"...No. Blast it." he says.

She laughs at his display. "That's okay. At least this way I know you're not all powerful. Just what are your plans? If you don't mind my asking?" she asks.

"Not at all. I plan on taking financial control over the world. It's perfectly legal, too... mostly." he tells her.

She laughs again. "It's a good thing I'm on the ground floor then."

"Yes it is. I take care of those on my side. I'm also very generous. After all, everyone has their price, in the business world. That's why plan is going to work." he says.

"You're planing on buying the world?" she asks.

"Why no? It's a sellers market. everyone is selling. I just have to make sure I have the resource to buy what they're offering.' he says.

Jenny knew he was right. Everyone had their price, and everyone was selling something. For now she was willing to accept what he was offering. It would also give her the ability to keep an eye on him, if he ever became a threat to her clan. She takes a deep breath, but doesn't get anything that tells her that he was worried about her.

"Well it's good to have on-board in any case. See Willow about getting your package. You'll have access to all levels in this building, but not on the ones that's going up outside right now." he tells her.

"I saw that. That's quite the bit of construction going on." she says.

"Unfortunately I've had to. Bill Eisner couldn't keep his mouth shut about some of my side projects. He blabbed everything a friend of his in the government, and now all of the sudden the I've got a government team coming down my neck." he explains.

"What will you be making?" she asks.

"Gravity generators." he tells her.

"You're making what?" she asks, not quite believing her hearing.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's not all that practical. The generator itself is quite small, but the power it needs to make it practical is obscene. I don't see what they could want with it... unless..." he says, but some thing comes up that says, 'maybe?'

"Unless what?" she asks, she was curious. Everything this kid did was so out there that she couldn't help, but be drawn into his web of intrigue.

"...Impossible! ...It's ridiculous..." he says.

"What?" she asks, unable to contain herself.

"The only reason they'd throw this much money at me me to build them these impractical generators, is if they had the power plants that would make them practical, but that's not some thing I could make myself for another decade, or two. I don't think they're waiting for me to resolve the power plant problem. I really think they have something, like maybe a Fusion Power plant small enough to put in something the size of the space shuttle for instance." he explains.

"You really think so?" she asks.

"I really do. Looks like you've just got your first project. I want you to assemble a team to find out. Start with Willow. I believe she might have a bit of experience in this field." he tells her.

Despite herself Jenny was intrigued. The implications alone were staggering. Gravity and anti-gravity generators for propulsion and Fusion engines for power in something the size of a space shuttle equals an explosion into the true space age.

It means they'd be able to colonize the solar system and send ships to the nearest stars. Man can finally escape this mud ball. They also now had a chance to survive the coming difficulties ahead. The Oracles were predicting a season of Apocalyptic destruction in the next few years. She really hopes they can survive long enough to see that dream come true.

It was also extra incentive to stay with this young child. It looks like he was the hope her clan needs to survive into the future. 'Looks like I need to renegotiate.' she thinks.

"Looks like I need to renegotiate." she tells him.

Stewie looks at her and frowns. "What do you know that I don't?" he asks.

She tells him.

"DAMMIT!" he explodes.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.




The next day in the library Giles is busy with the books. He was looking up another entry on Gremlins and invisible entities. 'Thanks for the small blessings. I can at least exclude spirits from my search. Otherwise Xander wouldn't have been able to smell her, and he was definite that it was a her, and Stewie's scanners were able to pick up a physical presence... and that's a scary thought, he has the school wired to the point he could do such scans, what else has he put in?' he thinks.

The doors open and in come a group of girls. The Cordettes minus Harmony saunter over to Giles, as single unit. They surround the librarian and start to make inane request. Their smiles and flirts were invitations to some thing he would dare not act on. They bent over, at inappropriate times, showing cleavage and legs, it got really uncomfortable when they moved on to gentle caresses. He had a hard time trying to ignore them.

'They really are an intoxicating bunch of birds. What did Jenny call them? Oh yes Jail-Bait!' he thinks, as he tries to resist the girls blatant advances.

"Don't you girls have something else to do?" he asks.

"Uh huh. We're doing it." says Kate.

"Like yeah. We're doing research for Cordelia's campaign." says Aura.

"She's such a slave driver, but friends stick together." says Joy, as she shows some more cleavage.

The other girls agree and put their best features on display.

Giles takes one last look and the girls preen under his admiring gaze, but the fun stops when he gets his libido under control and shoos the girls out of the library.

'Lord give me strength. What is going on with me? They've never had this effect on me before. They're using some kid of perfume that goes straight to the old... and on top of that, they've never been this forward with me either. I though it might be like Xander and Willow, but they've shown no interest and Harmony in fact displays quite a bit of open hostility to the pair. It's like the girls took a second look and now they cannot get enough. Not that I can blame them, but damn distracting that.' he thinks, as he takes off, and cleans his glasses.

Jenny walks in like she owns the library. She grabs him and plants a kiss that curls his toes. "Um, H...hello?" he says.

"Hello yourself." she says.

"The girls have been here I see." she says. 'I can smell them all over him.' she thinks.

"Yes. I'm not sure why they keep doing that. They've been a bother all day yesterday, and today... the day has yet to start, and well here they are..." he tells her.

'Clueless.' she thinks. 'Cute, but clueless. Good Stewie wasn't lying. He's his own man. Must be some kind of protection the Watchers Council gives, or teaches to it's field people.'

Buffy and Stewie were the first to barge in, with Willow and Xander not far behind.

As the gang sits around the table, Giles clears his throat and begins his lecture on gremlins and invisible entities. When he was done, Stewie swears again.

"This just won't do old man. There's something in my schools that's taunting me with it's presence. This situation will not be tolerated." he says.

"His school?" Willow says to Miss Calendar.

"He's paying us the big bucks. I'm not going to contradict him." says Jenny.

"I'm with her." says Xander.

Willow has to agree with her assessment. Stewie was in some way paying everyone, except for Giles and he was payed by the Watchers Council. 'I wonder how much they pay?' she thinks.

Buffy ignores them at that point. She takes out her new Shovel and starts to play with it. It was a new collapsible model that shrinks down to fit in most of her purses. It even had her initials, in gold yet. The Shovel could turn into either a dagger, or an ax depending on how she twists the handle.

She didn't like the other Sci-Fi features her brother adds, to a really cool shiny weapon. The blaster was way too exotic for her tastes. Too much like a gun, and she so hates the idea of having anything like that. Too much of a daddy's girl that way. He didn't like them either.

At the lower settings the blaster could stun people into unconsciousness, and if you use it like that you could get a lot of charges. But being the big pain that he was, Stewie made it so you could increase the strength level of the blast by adding more energy into you shot, to the point of depleting the entire charge in one really large blast and can blow things up.

She starts to twirls the dagger like Shovel around, pretty soon she ignores everyone at the table and starts a Kata, she goes from a knife Kata to a staff or axe Kata. She notices that Xander was mirroring her actions. He was sloppy, but keeping up with her. Stewie has really brought him pretty far in the last few month.

She should have been training him from the beginning, but she didn't want to drag him into her life. Now she didn't know what she'd do without him and Willow. He was able to hold his own against at least one vampire, but with The Shovel, that number goes up considerably. With the three of them armed with the energy weapons, she no longer has to worry about her friends when they went out with her. With Stewie and Giles along, it was more of a big old party than a life, or death struggle.

She slows down a bit, so Xander could keep up. She also starts to correct his obvious mistakes.

He smiles at her and she smiles right back. Their movement becomes better coordinated, to anyone else they would have been poetry in motion. To anyone with any training they would have seen a master and her student.

Jenny and Willow watch Buffy as she guides Xander through the simple Kata. While Stewie complains to Giles about his progress, she asks Willow, "I have a project that Stewie says you can help me with. Are you interested in joining me?"

"What kind of project?" she asks, without removing her eyes off either Xander, or Buffy.

'God! Could this girl be any more obvious?' thinks Jenny, as she watches Willow almost drool at the pair, as they went through the steps of the Kata. "I need someone who know their way around computer systems." she says.

"What kind of systems?" Willow asks.

"Government systems." says Jenny.

"W-What? Y-You mean, like with the proper authorizations, right?" asks Willow.

'At least I now have her attention.' thinks Jenny. "No." she says. "interested?" she asks.

"Um... Is this a trick question?" asks Willow, unwilling to commit just yet.

To be continued...
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