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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718751,85030 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

There's mice in the walls...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





"You must do better! I will not stand for this!" Stewie tells Giles.

"Then by all means, do sit..." replies Giles pointing to a chair.

"Ha... Bleeding... Ha. Look at me everyone I'm laughing at the Giles's droll humor." he says sarcastically.

"That's good. I always found a lot of what he says funny..." says Buffy.

"Liar! That's not what you say at home." he tells Buffy.

Buffy had moved on from her Kata to a light spar with Xander. She really likes the new and improved Xander. He takes a few hits and keeps on ticking. A lot more fun to work out with than Giles. A couple of hits and he goes down. How's a girl supposed to train with shoddy trainers like that. The only real training she does nowadays, is with her brother. Chasing him down for frosting her panties and bras. 'I think that was him... or Dawn... I'm sure he did something that deserves a beating. Too bad he has that electrical field built into his close. Every time she grabs him for over a few seconds she gets a nasty Stewie shock. Hitting him was okay, but the sneak hits back in all the bad places little boys aren't supposed to touch.' she thinks. Her chest still felt sore from this morning chase.

'Even mom is getting in on the action. I guess it's good training for her and Dawn.' she thinks as she lands a really good combo, and Xander goes down.

"Good one Buffy. You're gonna have to teach me that one. I don't think the little tyrant knows that move yet." Xander tells her with his paten pending smile.

"I heard that." says Stewie. "For every such comment, a price will be paid."

"It's in a trust fund, and you can't touch it." Xander tells him.

"I'm talking about paying in pain you dolt." Stewie tells him.

Xander blows him a raspberry. He was going to receive that pain no matter what. This way at least he can get some payback. Tiny, juvenile and insignificant payback, but payback just the same.

"Ha ha ha ha. Good one Xand." says Buffy.

"Oh yes, you laugh it up 'little Miss I'm the Slayer you can't touch me.'. Dawn froze your panties and bras, what do you think I'm going to do? hmm..." he says to his sweaty sister. "Willow do as Miss Calendar tells you. stop waffling. You know you want to do it. There's no reason not to. Miss Calendar will be right there with you."

"...But, but this is the Pentagon we're talking about..." she says.

"...And... I don't see the reason for your hesitation. Of course it's the Pentagon. I am the one who gave out the assignment... One moment please..." he says as he checks the status of the counter electronics and counter magical listening wards he put in place.

"I recognize the wards... and that's a good idea by the way. I've placed a few minor charms around the library myself, but with the hellmouth the way it is... those are never certain... regardless... what all this..." Giles asks, pointing at the display for the electronic counter measures suite.

"You may know a thing or two about magic Mister Giles, but this is something that is beyond you." Stewie says dismissing the Watcher.

"He's paranoid." says Jenny.

"He's also slightly twisted. What does that have to do with anything." asks Giles.

"He's using an a counter-electronic and counter magic system, which I've helped him setup by the way, to make sure that no one can monitor what's being said, and or done in the library." she explains.

"Y-You're helping him... but, but what about...?" he sputters.

"The pay is obscene. Of course I'm helping him." she says.

"I, I, I don't know what to say..." he says.

"You don't have to say anything. You would not believe the amount of monitoring equipment placed in this school. It's built right into the walls. One of the first things we did was take control of what was in place and we're feeding whoever on the other end a very doctored picture of what we're all doing. Right now he's making sure no one caught his order to hack the Pentagon. They throw you away for like ever if you're caught doing something like this. You know what? I don't mind his paranoia. Kinda healthy if you ask me?" she explains.

"We're clean... and I must say Miss Calendar, you've just earned yourself a bonus." says Stewie.

"Oh. What kind of bonus?" she asks.

"An all expenses payed trip, for two, to the most exclusive vacation resort on the tropical island of your choice." he tells her. "Now... where were we?" he asks.

"See what I mean? This is why I love the irritant." she tells Giles.

"You've just lost half your vacation time." says Stewie.

"See what I mean? You gotta walk the minefield walk." Jenny says with a smile. "You got any plans next week English?" she asks Giles.

"F-Funny you should ask... No plans..." he says.

"Is that a yes?" she asks with a dazzling smile.

"Um...Yes." he answers.

"Does that mean I could go on a vacation as well? I-I mean you're going... Why not me?" asks Buffy.

"If you can get someone to cover for you... then yes. Who do you suggest we get as the chosen one." he asks.

Buffy looks around and sees that her choices are few. Stewie with his toys could do it, but she wanted to come back to Sunnydale, not a blasted battlefield. Xander and Willow could handle a vampire or two on their own, but again, if there's more they could get overwhelmed, and eaten. She so didn't want to come back to a guilt trip that size. She really didn't know who else to get to replace her.

"Maybe Angel...?" she asks.

"No. I don't think I want to trust our existence to a Vampire, no matter how helpful he could be..." says Giles.

"I'll stand in for you Buff." offers Xander.

"That's so sweet..." she replies. She kisses him on the cheek and says, "...But not necessary. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to one of my best friends." she says.

"It's okay Buffy. Xander and I can handle a few days like we did when you went with your dad." says Willow.

"It's okay guys. I fine with my chosen one, lot in life." she says with a smile, as she gives Willow a hug.

The bell rings and that breaks up the morning meeting. Stewie tosses a towel to his sister, as he walks out looking at the display on his laptop. 'This is certainly a puzzle. Not a spirit, uses a cologne, must be female... I hope it's female...' he thinks as he tries to crack the mystery.




Sunnydale High School, Hall.





He passes the posters of Cordelia running for May Queen. Harmony was behind him ready to obey most commands. The other Cordettes were busy handing out flyers for Cordelia's campaign.

"I want you to call Bill Eisner and find out when he wants us down at the Park..." says Stewie giving Harmony her tasks for the day.

"CRASH! UGH!" says Kate as she hits the display case. She bounces of the reinforced and now cracked filled glass display case. She's momentarily stunned by the blow. The Cordettes quickly drop the pamphlets in their hands and close ranks around Kate.

They were all on edge. They could sense something was out of place, but they couldn't place it.

"Formation Delta!" Stewie commands the Barbie brigade. Even Harmony slips into position. Stewie takes out a funky looking helmet and puts it on.

'Nothing in the visual range, not even heat.' he thinks. He presses a couple of buttons on the inside of the helmet with his tongue. 'Switching to microwave scanners, should do the trick... Blast!... Nothing there either. Switching to Radar imagery. Let's see if we can detect the absence of the displaced atmosphere.' he thinks.

"JACKPOT!" he yells. He takes out the Shovel and goes after the vacuum shaped outline on his display screen. 'This is like playing a video game.' he thinks, as he swings 'The Shovel.' handle first at Kate's attacker. He really didn't care for Kate all that much, but she was his property, therefore the attacker has to ask permission to play with his toys. They can't just put their grubby fingers on his stuff and hope to get away with it.

He lands a couple of glancing blows. It was enough to discourage the invisible opponent. It takes off running. The helmet is unable to keep up with the speed. The display gets choppy and by the time it compensates, the invisible cretin disappears.

"Get Kate to the nurse. I want everyone to write a report about what they felt, saw, sensed, smelled, heard. I want it int an hour. Dismissed." he tells the Barbies as he follows the trail the creature took.

The trail peters out and he's left without a clue as to where it could have disappeared to. 'Clearly I have to upgrade the sensors suite in this place.' he thinks as he puts the helmet back into his backpack.

He takes out the cell phone and dials Xander's line. "Hello Xander...

"This is Xander's cell phone leave a message." says Xander's cell phone.

"Hold it!" shouts Stewie. "I happen to know that you don't have voice mail. I didn't spring for it just in case you'd abuse the privilege. Now meet me outside you slacker!" he demands flipping the phone to end the conversation. 'Damn slacker. I really should do something about that boy. Maybe neutering him for a while would slow him down a bit...' he thinks."...Nah! He'd find another way to annoy me even more.' he growls at thought. 'Damn minions. There must be a better way to train them. Pain is, just not doing the job properly on this one. Harmony on the other hand is working out splendidly as a minion. I think a gift basket for Miss Chase is in order there.'


Sunnydale High School, Outside.





Outside he could see Xander already waiting beside the flag pole. He walks up to the older teen and kicks him unexpectedly in the chins.

"Owowowow. Why the hell did you do that for you, you, you..." Xander shouts, as he hops on one leg.

"Finish that thought and the other leg's next!" he threatens the reluctant minion.

'Asshole!' Xander shouts inside his skull. He fumes for a second and lowers his leg, as the pain subsides. A minute later the leg is fully healed and he follows Stewie to the parking lot. They get into Stewie's company car. Xander in the driver's seat.

"Tell me again, why we can't get a Ferrari?" Xander asks.

"Too soon. You have to order those month in advance. It's not how much money you have. It's how much your willing to spend. Besides I like the Viper just fine. Now shut up and drive!" he orders.

Xander peels out of the parking lot and heads towards SRL Building.



Sunnydale , SLR Building.





"Reasonably certain yes. It's the same type of scanning gear I already have in place, only with more processing power. I really didn't think we'd need something like this for a long time. I hate it when I'm not right." he says.

"You mean when you're wrong." corrects Xander.

"No! I had it right the first time. I hate it when I'm not right." he says.

"Isn't that the same thing?" asks Xander.

"No it isn't. I'm never wrong. Occasionally I might not be right, but I'm never wrong. Do you understand?" he says in a voice that promises much pain should he disagree.

"I, I uh, yeah sure. Gotcha."replies Xander knowing that he was treading that slippery slope without any equipment.



Sunnydale High School, Parking Lot.




The High School was mostly dark by the time they got back. There was a light on in the library. Xander and Stewie got help from the Cordettes to move everything inside. The only one who wouldn't lift a finger was Harmony. according to her the equipment was contaminated with Looser Harris Cooties.

While the girls were inside stacking the boxes, Xander and Stewie made a final trip to the parking lot. They were about to take the last load when two sun challenged individuals block their path.

"Lookee here. We've got a happy meal with a side order of fries." says the leader.

"Yeah boss. A side order of fries. That's funny." says the an old Sunnydale high school alumni. He was a linebacker back in the day.

"You can have the big one. the stupid one with mouth is mine." says Stewie.

"How come you get the stupid ones. Why can't I get the stupid ones from time to time?" complains Xander, as he drops his load and takes out 'The Shovel' he presses a button to extend the shaft.

"To me everyone is the stupid one. Take your question for example: Stupid. End of lesson." says Stewie mirroring Xander's actions.

"Ooh. Shovels. What ya' gonna do? Bury us?" says the leader with a laugh.

"Yeah... Bury us? Ha ha ha. Another good one boss." says the big vamp.

"Ever since that gremlin escaped, I've been itching to indulge in a bit of mayhem and destruction. I want to thank you for the opportunity. Do be a good sport and bring it on..." says Stewie doing the Bruce Lee thing with the bring it on gesture.

"You think you're being funny, you... you little rat. I'm going to make it hurt before I drain you dry." promises the pissed off vamp.

"I as well. Make it hurt that is... without the draining... although I might make an exception with you and hook you up and drain you to see what happens when you're out of blood. Yes... I think I want to do that first." says Stewie as he lets a little growl escape.

"Say. You're not a normal little rat. Are you?" asks the vampire, as he dives at Stewie.

Stewie avoids the dive and jumps over the vampire. He swings 'The Shovel' axe like and removes an arm. The arm turns to dust by the time it hits the ground and the vampire screams in pain at its loss. He recovers quickly and goes back for another pass with the other hand.

Again Stewie avoids the charge and this time removes the other hand.

In the meantime. Xander decides to end it quickly with the big one. He fires a large charge at the big vamp and stuns it long enough to swing 'The Shovel' like an axe, as well and removes the head from the body. 'I really love this Shovel.' he thinks.

"Stewie stop playing with this fool. It's screams are going to bring the cops down on our necks." says Xander.

"I'm almost done." says Stewie, as he removes the right leg. "Well look at you. Down to one leg. No this just wont do. It doesn't look right somehow. I have it." he says, as he swings 'The Shovel' and removes the other leg. "Yes that's better."

"Stewie! Ewww! That's just gross!" shouts Xander.

"Shut up and gag it." Stewie orders his reluctant minion and takes out a plastic body bag from a hidden compartment in the trunk of the Viper.

"Holy shit! First of all: Why do you have a body bag in your hidden compartment? And second: What the hell do you need with an arsenal like that?" Xander asks pointing at the arsenal in the hidden compartment.

"The body bag is just practical. You never know when you might need one. As for the weapons, there's no such thing as too much fire power. It's better to have and not want. than to want and not have." Stewie explains. "Now put the experimental subject in the bag and dump it in the trunk." he commands.

Xander sighs at the disgusting commands, but he's being payed very well to do bad things to evil creatures. He just hopes that his boss doesn't do bad things to good people. He really doesn't know what to do if Stewie ever crosses that line.

As soon as he closes the trunk the Viper starts on its own and takes off with out anyone sitting at the wheel.

"What the hell just happen to the Viper?" he asks.

"I sent it to the lab and called for another Viper to take it's place." says Stewie. "You don't think I'm going to leave my 'Company Car' in the parking lot with an amputated body in the trunk? Do you?" snorts Stewie at the stupid question. He picks up his load and heads to the library.

After a second of reflection. Xander concedes that's a good idea. He saw enough T.V. and movies to know better, as well. No one criminal master mind outside of James Bond villain, had the resources that Stewie had at his beck and call. 'If you got it... Use it.' Xander thinks, as he picks up the load he dropped earlier and follows Stewie to the library.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





"What took you so long?" asks Giles as Stewie and Xander walk in with the last load.

"Couple of vamps didn't get the memo." says Xander.

"What memo is that?" asks Giles.

"Don't mess with the little guy." says Xander pointing at Stewie.

"I take it you've disposed of them properly?" asks Giles.

"Yes we have." says Stewie, before Xander could open his big mouth and spill his beans to the Watcher. What the Watcher didn't know couldn't hurt him. What he knows could force his hand to hurt him.

"Where are you going to put..." Giles points at the strewn boxes and equipment in his library, "...all this..." he asks.

"Don't worry. It'll all be in place by morning. No one else will be the wiser." Stewie tells him. "Girls! Get to work! Chop, chop!" he commands the Barbies brigade.

The girls jump to obey their orders.

"... Very industrious... those girls..." says Giles, as he watches them work.

Every once in a little while a girl would have an excuse to be near Giles. They either give him access to their goods, or they find an excuse to rub up against him, or feel him up. While one of the Joy was showing him her cleavage, Aura snuck up from behind and felt up his ass. He jumps at her touch.

He turns to her chastise her, but she gives him a big smile and bends a bit to show off her own cleavage. 'Dear God, but these American girls are forward... I wish I was a bit younger... But... There's Jenny...' he thinks.

In the center of the library Stewie is busy organizing his equipment. Once in a while he sneaks a peak at the girls torturing the helpless Watcher. 'I am so putting tonight's recording in the archives. The potential for blackmail is just too good.' he thinks.

Xander on the other hand could not understand what the girls were doing. They were flirting outrageously with Giles and ignoring a prime hunk of beef like him. 'Ewww. What's wrong with those girls? Are they blind, or something? They smell like they're about to screw him right there on the table. Gotta admit... he doing one heck of a job resisting their advances. If it was me...' he left that thought unfinished, he so didn't need to have Willow angry at him.


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