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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718751,84630 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Who cares about the mice? I want the invisible her

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Inside his head Xander was laughing his ass off. 'I don't know if I want to laugh, or cry... No laugh is better. I'm still getting some from Wills, but Giles is getting a lot more from Miss Calendar and Stewie's Barbies.' he thinks.

*Be careful with that you dolt!* Stewie tells him privately.

*Sorry...Sorry, just a little bit distracted here. I mean, why are the girls throwing themselves all over Giles like that...* he asks.

*I told them to and he's the only male in the dog pack. What do you expect? They're all horny teenage females in their prime, and he's the only one with the right scent. Any fool of a teen would be able to scratch that itch, but they have higher than normal standards. It carries over into how the pack thinks. He's their prime rib, while the rest of the herd might as well be tuna.* explains Stewie.

*Then why don't they go after you, or me?* he asks.

*We're Hyenas, they're dogs. You haven't reached the point where you're acceptable to them. As far as where you are concerned, consider yourself Tofu.* says Stewie.

*Then how come I don't mind doing the nasty with any of them?* he asks.

*We're Hyenas. We have more options aside from that, you're a man who likes hamburgers. I myself think they make a fine meal as well. Therefore when I'm old enough I'm pretty much guaranteed I'll luck out with any female I want. So could you, just not with these...Bitches. Do you understand?* he asks Xander.

*Yeah got it. No nookie from the bitches, 'cause I'm the lowest of the low.* says Xander.

*You really have selective hearing don't you. I'll explain it more fully and in detail when I can be bothered, for now...yes.* Stewie tells him in exasperation. 'I really hate working with mental midgets.' he thinks.



Sunnydale, SRL Building




"Are you sure we're going to get away with this?" Willow asks Jenny as they login to Stewie's Supercomputer.

"No...Not completely one hundred percent sure." Jenny says with a smile. She points at the Supercomputer in front of them. "But can you really think of anyone that can track us back to this place with what we have?" she asks.

"...No, no not really. I don't think the government has anything this advanced...Do they?" asks Willow.

"...I hope not. But just to be sure let's raise a little bit of power circle for protection. You've just pressed my paranoia button." Jenny says with a smile.

'Umm. I wouldn't mind pressing some other buttons on her...' she thinks, but the though is cut off as Jenny continues to talk to her. "Uh, sorry, but could you repeat that again?" she asks.

"I said: Would you like to join me in raising the power circle?" she asks with a seductive smile.

'Does this woman have any smiles that aren't so down right uh...' she thinks. "Yes please." she replies in her sweet little miss innocent voice.

"Come on. I'll teach you what you need to do." Jenny says happy with her answer.

'That's not all I want you to teach me...' she thinks as she zones again.

Jenny gives her a swat to bring her out of her sexual haze.

"Wha...What did you do that for?" she asks.

"You do realize that I can smell your interest in me, right?" Jenny asks a now red face Willow.

"Um, y-you can?" she asks the sexy computer teacher.

"Yes. I can." Jenny says with a seductive smile that holds a lot of future promises. 'Goddess save me from these perpetual hormone bundles.' she thinks. 'Maybe I can get her and Xander to join me and Giles, could be fun. I always did like redheads.'

"So, you're...uh, like a part of the spirit hyena pack?" asks Willow.

"No. I'm part of the dog pack." she replies.

"What's the difference?" Willow wants to know.

"Not much really. We're all human, so for us, the difference is minuscule. We are still the same species. We're not dogs or hyenas. We have the power and energy without the spirits in the driving seats of our bodies. Take me for instance... I like Rupert, so I went after him. You like Xander and now the two of you are together. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't mind doing it with another power couple, or separately... if you know what I mean. I might prefer Rupert, that would be because I already liked the man before... all this." Jenny explains.

"I get it. You're interested, because you want to be... Nothing's really changed except you... can tell when someone likes you..." says Willows the red getting deeper.

"Basically. I really like the new you. Who helped you get out of your shell?" she asks.

"Joyce. That's Stewie's mom." says Willow going absolutely crimson.

"Do I detect another crush there..." Jenny asks teasing the crimson teen.

"Uh, uh, ya' see..." Willow starts to go hyper, but Jenny puts a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

"Deep breath. Come on, let it out slowly..." says Jenny trying to calm her down. 'She's just so yum...' she thinks, as she continues to calm the overheated teen.



Sunnydale, SRL Building




'I can't believe he bought all that crap?' Stewie thinks as he gets his teams ready to go on a gremlin hunt.

'I can't believe he thinks I bought that crap he was feeding me.' thinks Xander.

"G-Girls please... Stewie. Um... Could you, the girls..." sputters the Watcher as Joy grabs his privates. He lets out a squawk and gets away from the girls with the grab-y hands.

"Right! Girls! Form team. Let's hop to it." he commands the Barbie Brigade.

They respond like they've been conditioned to... and obey the commands of the tiny Overlord.

"You know. I don't think I can be payed enough to respond to his commands like that?" Giles says to Xander.

Xander shows him the numbers to the trust fund, and takes out the one for the college fund on top of that.

"Uh, ... No not even with that." says Giles, he had to think about it to make sure if that was the right answer deep down, and surprisingly enough, it was.

"Girls, and Xander. We hunt a most dangerous and annoying prey today. This prey... Doesn't like you. Any of you. That's why it went after Kate. It'll attack all of you girls, separately, or together. Not so much Xander, as I don't think he's worth it's interest, but you girls have certainly raised it's ire somehow. There you have it. It wants to hurt you! It wants to scar you! It wants you wearing burlap bags for dresses! Are you going to stand for that? Well are you?" Stewie asks the girls trying to get their blood hot for the hunt.

The only comment that got them where he needed them was the threat of the burlap sacks for dresses. The rest was just a minor annoyance to deal with.

Harmony was almost frothing at the mouth, at the threat to her wardrobe.

"Come girls! Let's get this designer dresses, and shoes hater." Harmony says to the girls leading the charge out of the library, the girls were right behind her. They didn't want anyone to mess with their designer clothing either.

"I didn't bring up anything about shoes..." he says to their retreating backs. But they had the scent of blood ... So to speak, and off they went.

"You really know how to hit below the belt. Don't you?" Xander tells Stewie standing next to Giles.

"Yes. Very manipulative." agrees Giles.

"That was not 'Manipulation.' that was 'Inspiration.'" protest Stewie.

The two older males look at him and shrug. Not their concern.

"Philistines! To hell with the both of you!" he says, as he storms out of the library. Behind him the mini-robot drones begin their march through the air ducts to install the new improved... Overkill sensor suite.

They both wait until Stewie's out of the library before cracking up.

"Awwww. We hurt the little fella's feelings." says Xander.

"...Yes, I, I, I think you're right. Bwaaahahahaha!" says Giles. "I really needed that laugh. Too bad he's more dangerous than most of the demons we hunt, other wise I would have loved to do that while he was in the room." says Giles.

"Hey now! You're not going suicidal on me are you?" asks Xander.

"Perish the thought. but do think it through. If he wasn't human and if he wasn't Buffy's brother, and if the law can't catch him at his misdeeds, we really can't do anything to him. He's helping protect his sister and the hellmouth. It's just, just..." Giles doesn't know how to finish the sentence in front of Xander, Stewie's supposed and self professed minion. "Aren't you going to help him?" he asks Xander.

"Nope." Xander replies.

"W-Why, why not?" asks Giles.

"He didn't ask. Plus I don't want to get in the way of his fun. Let's face it. This isn't an end of the world scenario." Giles agrees with the assessment and Xander continues with his explanation. "The way I see it, if he doesn't ask, it's up to me to determine if it's serious enough to get involved. In this case, not so much. The Cordettes don't need me, they'd rather hang all over you to tell the truth. You stud. To tell you the truth, you give me hope for mu declining years..."

"...H-Hey now. I am not that old..." Giles protests.

"Yeah you are..." replies Xander.

"..." Giles glares.

Xander pretends to buff his nails. The glare bounces. Somewhere a duck feels something wet. It was on his ass in the water.




Sunnydale High School, Hall.





The Cordettes were on a mission. Especially Kate. Someone laid the beats on her today, and she wants some payback. No gremlin was getting away with do that to her. Plus she didn't look all that good in burlap. Well she could... but only designer burlap, but even then... it was still burlap. 'What am I doing? Oh yeah! We're hunting gremlins.'

The other Cordettes were just as grim as she was. Not sure why, they weren't the ones used, as battering rams against the display case.

Several times their detectors went off, but when they went after the gremlin, it disappears from their scanners when they chase.

Stewie kept a close watch on their movement and tried to track it down. He was developing a profile from it's movement, where it went, and the places it hid in. For some reason it stuck to places primarily used by the girls. 'Hmm. Xander smelled a female scent, she could be a mutated human, vampire, but not in the daylight, certainly invisibility is part of its current power set. Strength as well. She really put the beats to Kate. A bit of speed, she was able to outrun me. True I had a bit of lag from the scanner and the students in the way, but she had the speed to get away. So maybe female... possibly a student...' He checks the records and reports. No history for this type of attack on record. He checks the current student roster against those in the obituary, missing and just plain eaten column. He narrows it down to a few student. Only one is female.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.





"Industrious little creatures..." Giles observes, as the little robot scurry around carrying out their assigned tasks.

Several blips alert Xander to check out his PDA.

"Looks like Stewie got us a name. It's a girl called Marcie... Hey I remember her now... I think... I think we used to know her..." says Xander.

"You're not sure?" asks Giles.

"It's funny, but until I saw her picture I didn't even remember her.

"Incredible, a girl who became invisible and forgettable, because no one can remember her. It must have been slowly driving her insane..." guesses Giles.

"Are you sure... I mean, about the insanity part?" asks Xander.

"Un, unfortunately yes. Every documented invisibility case has driven every person with that power insane, over the edge. They could not handle being removed from society like that. Humans need contact with each other to continue, positive negative... it doesn't matter so long as it's contact... I hope Stewie can capture her and we can help her." says Giles.

"Looks like I just developed an interest in this case. See you later Giles." says Xander following the PDA to the last known sighting.


Sunnydale High School, Girl's Locker Room.





Xander enters the locker room and puts on a blind fold. Stewie has been training him in blind fighting lately, with his enhanced senses he could do a pretty good job moving around. With the school empty and no other noise to distract him, other than The Cordettes rampaging in the halls, he could get a pretty good feel for the room. He went around several times with and without the blindfold until he was comfortable getting around.

He found a spot that wouldn't give his position away right away and waited for his prey to come around. At some point he knew she would. He kept the blindfold on and sat down waiting for her to come to him. It's what most successful hunters did.

To be continued...
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