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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,14330 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Hello there. You must be...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale High School, Girl's Locker Room.





Xander sat quietly, in the dark and silent locker room. He was trying to process all the smells left behind, by every sweaty girl that used the room. It was an overwhelming, but highly enjoyable task. By the time his mind processes the scent of every girl, in this one room, he'll be able to identify them all just by smell.

He has no idea of how long it takes, to catalog every scent and to get past the point where it was overwhelming his senses.

The scents in the locker room, dance in the air, circulating through out the room, by the climate control system. For all he knew it was almost morning. The only thing that kept him from checking the time on his PDA, was the light that would give away his position. He turned off the lights in the locker room, by shutting down the fuse box.

'At least it won't be too bad without any lights. I'll be able to smell her, and hear her. She'll be able to barely make out my position in the dark. Should be just about even.' he thinks. 'Hey I think Buffy uses the locker in the corner, and that's definitely Willow's scent. I know those two anywhere. AHHHH. Scent of a Woman. Ambrosia of the gods. Ha! Look at me, get all with the deep thoughts here. It's all good. They're deep thoughts about the girls. Thinking of the girls, there something seriously fucked up going on with The Cordettes. Screw Stewie and his hamburgers and filet mignon analogy. I know bullshit when I hear it. I'm a minion. I know that, but that doesn't mean I'm blind, or brain deficient. I wonder why he's spinning that bullshit story. He doesn't have to justify anything he does to The Cordettes. More power to him on that front. Life is a lot easier without having to run The Cordettes gauntlet.'

Xander scratches his nose and other body parts. Then settles down. He's not sure if how his hunch will play out, but this is certainly a nice place to play it out in comfort, and y'know...

The door to the locker room opens letting in the light from the hall. 'Show time.' he thinks. 'There's light, but no one or thing to block it out. Oh yeah! There it is, scent of a lonely, and horny teenage girl. Nothing like it. It's the same one from the hall. It's her. Whoa! Look at that. Okay, maybe look is too strong, but her scent is moving through the other scents like the prow of a ship, and can I say 'Hey'. I know where the prow of the ship is located. Cool. She's moving around, but she doesn't know I'm here. I think, I'll wait for her to come to me.'

Marcie tries to turn on the lights. When she flips the light switch a few times without any results she sighs and moves on into the darkness. This is a room she familiar with. This is part of her territory. She walks around without fear. Who does she really have to fear? That little kid with the toys. 'Yeah, okay the slayers brother is one scary little guy. I'm not sure what he's up to with The Cordettes... I'm not even sure I like it. They're mine... He's trespassing. I have to teach him his place.' she thinks.

When she was close enough to touch Xander says, "Hey Marcie. Long time no see. What are you up to these days? Hanging in the locker room? Look at you... All sporty girl..."

Marcie jumps out of her skin. She knew Xander, but this was not his normal behaviour. "Xander?! What are you doing...?" she asks as she moves away from his reach. "...Here... In the girls locker room?"

"I'm looking for a date. Willow wants a special kinda a girl, when we go out. Without people talking. You interested? We can all go out... Have fun... Avoid all the awkward questions from the rents... Y'know..." he says from his hiding place. In the dark he's able to track her movement, as she backs away.

"Y-You're asking me out? On a Date... With your girlfriend?" she asks not believing his words.

"Sure. Why? Did you have other plans?" he asks.

"Are you out of you freakin' mind?! I'm invisible!" she shouts.

"And I'm not deaf, so there's no need to shout. So like is that a yes, or a no?" he asks.

"Are you nuts? I'm invisible!" she shouts.

"Marcie I'm not making judgments about your handicap. I know invisibility drives people insane, but I figure if you're going out with a couple like me and Willow, you'll have the best of both worlds." he says.

"Let's say if I accept your proposal... And that's a big 'IF', how do you figure going out with you two is the best of both worlds?" she asks at least intrigued with this conversation. No one has talked to her for a long time. It's worth a bit of inconvenience to continue this conversation.

"Well for one: You'll have a boyfriend like me, able to protect you from the hellmouth and all the demon nastiness that comes along with that. Plus I'm financially well off with a steady job." he says, but she snorts at the last part.

"Hey! Stewie pays well and... He pays well. Now moving on to the second part of my argument. Part two: You'll have Willow to talk to and since she's friends with Buffy that would put you under the slayers influence and more importantly... Her protection... What with you being a handicapped human, or do you prefer visibility challenged?" he asks.

"What about the little terror, shaking down the school?" Marcie asks from near the door.

"Couldn't be simpler." he tells her.

"How's that?" she asks.

"Well first: you'll be under Buffy's protection. And second: He'll offer you a job... And when he does... Take it. He might be a power hungry little terror, but he sure knows how to take care of his assets and toys." he replies.

"I'll think about it..." she says as she opens the door and leaves.

Xander let's her get away. She can't get far. He has her scent if wants to find her. He turns the switch in the fuse box back to the on position. The lights come back. He leaves the locker room and goes back to the library.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.






Xander walks into the library. First impression he gets is that he's in the NASA control center for the upcoming launch of the space shuttle.

"What's all this?" he asks.

Everyone ignores him. They're too busy doing their jobs to answer. The only one not bent over a monitor of some kind was Giles. Xander walks slowly through the library, admiring the scenery on the way to where the older man was standing in the doorway of his office.

"What's going on G-man?" he asks.

"GGGRRRRRR!!!!!" answers the Ripper.

"Jeez! Sorry man. I didn't think you were that sensitive. Take a chill pill, or something. Anyway I think I took care of that little invisibility problem we had." he says to Giles.

"... Never! Ever! Call me that infernal name again! Do you understand?" he asks Xander.

"Um, yeah. No more names..." he promises. 'Until you chill... Then we'll see... He he he." he thinks.

"Good work. I presume you managed to get through to her..." Giles asks Xander.

"Yeah. Yeah I think I did." he confirms.

"What's the what?" he asks Giles.

"It would seem that Miss Calendar and Miss Rosenberg have kicked a bee hive earlier this evening." he tells him.

"...And all this..." Xander points to the NASA space and control center.

"It seems the Girls overstepped their mission parameters..." says Giles walking into his office and bringing out another cup of tea for Xander.

"Thanks." he says accepting the cup. He used to be a coffee man, but caffeine is caffeine. "What are we looking at... And what do you mean the Girls and Miss Calendar. The woman was riding you like a bronco this morning." says Xander.

"... Yes. Good times. But since then it appears they over stepped themselves. The only reason they're not behind bars right now is due to their skills with the infernal machines, the Power circle they raised to block anyone trying to backtrack them and Stewie's Supercomputer." explains Giles taking a sip of the hot drink.

"What the hell did they do... Raid the Pentagon..." Xander laughs, when Giles doesn't join him he says, "That was a joke. You're supposed to laugh."

"It's not really all that funny... When it's true." Giles tells him, before he takes another sip.

"Damn!"

"Yes. I agree. Damn. They're both fine birds... Jenny and Willow I mean. I'll be sure to visit whatever jail they throw them into." he says with a sad sigh.

"Hey! We're not in 'Jail' yet. Couldn't you at least wait until after the trial?" asks Willow.

"Willow, Willow, Willow... So young and naive, at the same time..." he tisks.

"I think he's trying to say that they're going to just chuck us in jail and throw away the key, but in his droll British sense of humor... which is wasted, as no one quite understands when he's joking, or not..." says Jenny from where she's glued to her monitor.

"Ha... Ha. Very funny. I'm sure the girls will remind me to laugh from time to time while you're away..." Giles replies.

"Um... Yeah!" The Cordettes reply in surround sound stereo mode from all over the library.

This time it was Jenny's turn to growl. The Cordettes rebury their heads, back to their tasks. They so didn't want a pissed off Alpha who was also their teacher on their case. They'd have left the library at a run, but Stewie's orders come first.

"Anyone want to tell me why you hacked the Pentagon?" Xander asks Willow.

"Jenny asked me to..." Willow tries to explain.

"And if Jenny asked you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?" he asks his girlfriend.

"N-No..." she answers.

"Are you sure? 'Cause that no didn't sound like a no to me." says Xander.

"It so did sound like a NO!" she says pushing back.

"Not the same 'NO' that I heard earlier. Now. Why would you want to invade the Pentagon?" he asks.

"For the challenge?" she says in a small voice.

"'Kay." he says to her. He turns to Miss Calendar "... And you'd hack the Pentagon... Why?" he asks.

"Eh. It's a living." says Miss Calendar. Not even listening to who was asking. "Got it. Whew. We're safe. They'll be chasing a looped signal that will bypass us from here to L.A." Jenny lets out a sigh of relief.

"Excellent work team." says Stewie. "Now. May I ask how a simple assignment to find out who leaked my secrets to the government wound up with the two of you invading the Pentagon's computer network?" he asks Jenny and Willow.

Jenny gives hi a memory chip, and he inserts it into his secured laptop.

"I would've sworn on a stack of Bibles that he put them up to this." Xander tells Giles.

"I as well, but it appears that they became curious after they found the information they were looking for. Had they stopped at that point... Then none of this would have been needed." says Giles.

Xander sniffs the air and looks at Giles.

"She here?" he asks Xander.

Xander nods his head. He contacts Willow on their mental link. *Hey Wills!* he says.

*What?* she asks.

*Would you like to have an invisible girlfriend?* he asks.

*Is she pretty?* asks Willow not really listening to his request.

*Can't really remember. I think so, but you'll have to pull her picture from the computer... 'Cause... Hello... Invisible Girlfriend... Wanna meet her? She here. Check out her scent.* he says sharing the memory of Marcie's scent with Willow.

*She smells yummy. 'Kay, introduce us.* she replies.

End of Chapter.
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