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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,68830 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Life goes on... Or does it?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale High School, Girl's Locker Room.





Willow feels Marcie's light fingers trail down her back while she changes her clothes. She used to be very shy and self conscious about her body, but since her deal with Stewie, and the joining, and Xander, and without the constant put downs by The Cordettes life was so much better. She has both Xander and Marcie in her life, and once in a blue moon... Mrs Summers. Now there's one intense woman. 'I wonder if Buffy's anything like her.' she thinks, as she takes another peak at Buffy changing next to her.

She shivers again. Both from the thought and Marcie's teasing fingers. It's been a week since Xander suggested they add Marcie into their group. A very busy week. Stewie almost forced Marcie into the pack to make sure that she was loyal to them.

'It's really sad that Marcie's loneliness has driven her accept Stewie's offer, but at least this way I have someone I can totally share with. I wish I can do that with Buffy... But Buffy...' her thoughts trail off as she re-visits her favorite fantasy, it involves Buffy, Xander and lots and lots of chocolate.

*What are you thinking about?* asks Marcie. She was standing behind the girls. Her locker was next to Willow, and she was finally using it again. Just because she was invisible. It didn't mean she was going to miss out on the 'High School' experience. Especially not when it was finally starting to get good.

*I'm thinking about us, and how good we have it now... without the threat of The Cordettes.* Willow replies.

*They're not a threat. I would just love to carve my initials into their flawless skin.* Marcie says with the promise of vengeance dripping with every word.

*Ease up Marcie. Stewie would be really mad if you damage his precious Barbies.* Willow warns her new girlfriend.

Marcie again counts to ten. She lets go of her animosity toward the Bitches. But just because she has to play nice, it doesn't mean she wasn't going to take every chance that comes her way to torment them. Accidents happen all the time. She had it on good authority, that The Cordettes were now very accident prone... The poor dears.

*I know what you're thinking Marcie and... Stop it. Or Stewie will make you disappear for real. He's a good kid, but if you cross him or damage what he thinks is his...* Willow let the thought unfinished.

*How can you call someone like that a good kid?* asks Marcie. *You're describing a bully.* she tells her.

*Stewie's not a bully Marcie. He's a little boy...* Willow says trying to defend her boss.

*... Who smacks Xander all over the place...* says Marcie

*... But that's training. Buffy does the same thing to Giles...* replies Willow.

*... And she's a bully as well. She does the same thing to Mister Giles, as her brother does to our Xander.* says Marcie.

*... You take that back Marcie. Buffy's not a bully!* demands Willow.

"Willow... Are you okay? You got resolve face." asks Buffy.

"I'm okay, it's just that I'm going over a few things that happened last week.

"It's not about that stupid gremlin hunt, that Stewie dragged everyone into, is it?" she asks.

"No, it's not that. And you know it wasn't a real gremlin. That was just Marcie. And, and she's the victim, not the cause." Willow says in a hurry to derail any thoughts that Buffy might get in her head about slaying her current girlfriend.

"She here?" Buffy whispers to Willow.

"Yes, and she can hear you." Willow tells her.

"I can. I really can." Marcie whispers in Buffy's ear.

Buffy almost jumps out of her skin at Marcie's whisper.

"I'm sorry Marcie. I'm not used to having an invisible friend around." Buffy apologizes to Marcie.

"I understand, but here's a tip about invisible people. If you're going to talk about us, always assume we're in the room. 'Cause you never know, we just might..." says Marcie.

Harmony walks by "Hello Buffy. Dweebette..." she says to Buffy and Willow, she sniffs the air and adds "Gremlin." and walks out of the girls locker room.

"I really, really hate her." says Willow.

"An accident can be arranged." says Marcie.

"No, no, no. She more than anything else, is Stewie's toy. And no matter how lousy a toy it is, you don't break his toys. Just ask Buffy." Willow warns her girlfriend.

Buffy nods her head. "Yeah Stewie can get really cranky. Like there was that time I bumped an experiment of his, of the kitchen table, I swear it was an accident." she says quickly, but with a gleam in her eyes.

"What did he do?" asks Willow knowing full well that Stewie would have done some thing right back.

"That was the start of the Barbie War." she says.

"The Barbie war?" asks Marcie.

"Yeah, that's when Stewie took my Barbie collection and turned them into tiny gladiator robots. It freaked the hell out of me the first time his G.I. Joe collection went after my Barbies, and surprise, surprise my toys morphed into gladiators and went after the Joes, but as they say... 'Don't bring a sword to a gun battle.'" explains Buffy.

"What happened to the Barbies?" asks Marcie curious about Buffy's unusual tale despite herself.

"What do you think. The Joes blew them all away to tiny little bits." says Buffy.

Marcie can detect a hit of resentment in Buffy's voice. "How old were you?" she asks.

"I was ten, he was five. I'm over it now." she says.

"Yeah right..." says Marcie not believing the tiny blonde Slayer.

"... No really. They're just toys. It's not like he's stupid enough to go after my shoes now. Otherwise I'd slay his ass so fast..." says Buffy.

"I, I don't think so. You may talk all tough and everything, but when it comes to Stewie, you have a blind spot, I really think you'd let him get away with murder, plus he gives you cool toys." says Willow pointing at the shiny object in her purse.

"What... 'The Shovel.' it's just a stupid shovel..." she replies.

"... And you're never without it. Let's face it, he's got your number. Shiny expensive weapons." says Willow teasingly.

"I, I, I'm a very simple slayer. Aren't I?" says Buffy. "But look at how nice and shiny it is." she says showing Willow and Marcie 'Her Shovel'.

"How come yours has gold and silver all over it?" asks Marcie.

"It's so I can explain away as an art object and not a weapon, if I'm ever stopped by the law. Or, so Stewie tells me." Buffy explains.

"Come on let's go. Classes are going to start soon." Willow says to Buffy and Marcie as she puts her backpack on.

Buffy is right behind her, as she walks out the door. Marcie lags behind. 'Forgotten... Again.' she thinks.

*Stop dawdling Marcie. Let's go.* Willow tells her.

*Coming.* Marcie replies happily. Willow didn't forget about her.


Sunnydale High School, Outside.




"I just love springtime." says Cordelia to her boyfriend Mitch. She has her arms around him.

Harmony joins them when they walk in.

"Me and bright spring fashions!" says Cordelia.

"Spring training." says Mitch.

"Me at the end of school dance." says Cordelia

"The end of school." says Harmony.

"Definitely. My favorite time of year." Cordelia says,as she giggles. "I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off the rack gives me hives."

"Lemme guess: blue, like your eyes!" Mitch says with a laugh.

"My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller." says Cordelia, but she laughs along.

"You two will look so fine together in the May Queen photo." says Harmony.

"Well, I haven't been elected May Queen yet." says Cordelia.

They reach the library doors, and Buffy along with Willow come barging out. Buffy bumps into Mitch and drops her bag, spilling out its contents: a couple of stakes, a couple of crosses, a mace and 'Her Shovel'.

"Uhhh! Behold, the weirdness!" says Cordelia.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this stuff, huh?" asks Buffy.

"Wow, I'm not!" says Cordelia.

"Uh, for history class. Mr. Giles has this, like, hobby of collecting stuff... which he lent me... for show and tell. D-did I mention it's for history class?" says Buffy.

"So, not interested." says Cordelia, as she and Mitch with Harmony continue down the Hall.

"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that she attacked me? At the Bronze? I don't know why this school admits mentals like her." Cordelia tells Mitch.

They laugh. Buffy watches them go with a depressed look on her face.

"They're... They're Augh!" says Willow. "They just never stop. Cone on. Don't let those doody heads get you down."

"I wouldn't. Not any more anyway." says Marcie. 'I think an accident or two, is going to pop up in their future.' Marcie promises herself.


Sunnydale High School, English Class.




*I really hate this play 'The Merchant of Venice'.* Xander tells Willow.

*Shush! I'm trying to follow Miss Miller.* says Willow, trying to shush her distracting boyfriend.

"'If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall
we not revenge?' Okay. So talk to me, people. How does what Shylock says here about being a Jew relate to our discussion about the anger of the outcast in society?" asks Miss Miller.

"Well, how about color me totally self-involved?" says Cordelia.

"Care to elaborate?" asks Miss Miller.

"Yeah. With Shylock it's whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like it's justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice, it's yicky." says Cordelia.

"But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?" asks Miss Miller.

"Well, everyone looked down on him." says Willow.

"That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of 'my' life, and she's trying to make it about 'her' leg! Like 'my' pain meant nothing." says Cordelia.

"Well, Cordelia's raised an interesting point here." says Miss Miller, as the bell rings. "Which we'll pursue at a later time."

The students get up to leave. Cordelia comes up to Ms. Miller's desk.

"Miss Miller?" says Cordelia.

"Good observations today, Cordelia. It's always exciting to know someone's actually done the reading." says Miss Miller.

Willow rolls her eyes behind Cordelia and leaves with Xander and Marcie.

Marcie bumps Cordelia on her way out.

Hey watch it dwee..." she says, but no one is near her. "So, anyway... Thanks. Um, I wanna talk to you about my final paper. I'm real unfocused. I have all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other." Cordelia tells Miss Miller.

"Well, I have your outline here, but why don't you stop by tomorrow after school? We'll go over it then." replies Miss Miller.

"That'd be great! Thanks a lot." says Cordelia, she turns to leave, as Miss Miller speaks again.

"You're welcome. I'll see you then." she tells Cordelia.

"Okay! Bye!" she replies. In the hall she meets Harmony. "Harmony!" she says.

"Hi!" says Harmony with a bright empty headed smile.

"They called and said the dress is ready. It's so great! Mitch is gonna die!" Cordelia tells her.





Sunnydale High School, Boys Locker Room.




Mitch comes out of the showers, drying himself off. He wraps his towel around his waist and goes over to his locker. He dries his hair a bit with another towel, and then reaches into his locker for his clothes. Bud closes his locker and comes over to him as he pulls on his pants.

"Hey, Mitch! You goin' to the Bronze?" asks Bud.

"Later. I'm pickin' up my tux first." says Mitch.

"Uh huh." replies Bud.

"Gotta look sharp for the big dig." says Mitch.

Jerry comes over and joins them.

"Oh, that's right! You gotta look good to be on Cordelia's arm!" says Bud.

"Oh, it's not her arm I'm lookin' to be on." Mitch says with a laugh.

The boys laugh and then go. Mitch can hear footsteps, and then a girl's giggling. He turns and looks around.

"Who's there?" he asks.

He doesn't see anyone, so he continues getting dressed. He hears the giggling again, and looks behind him where he thinks it's coming from.

"Okay, fun time's over, come out." he demands.

He reaches for a bat on top of the lockers, but it floats up by itself. The bat swings and hits him, and he falls down. The bat swings again but misses and hits the locker doors. It hits him on his upper left arm twice. Another swing of the bat hits him in the face, and he's knocked unconscious.

'That'll teach you to mess around me and mine.' thinks Marcie as she walks away, still carrying the bat with her.


Sunnydale High School, Hall.




In the halls at school. Cordelia hands out chocolates while campaigning for May Queen.

"Now, remember who to vote for for May Queen! As in me!" says Cordelia.

"Thanks." thanks says Jimmy.

She sees Harmony and walks over to her.

"Hi! Isn't this the bomb? I'm such the campaign strategist." says Cordelia.

Harmony takes one and sees the 'C' on the wrapper.

"'C'. For Cordelia?" asks Harmony.

"No, 'C' for Wilma, little brain! Of course, 'C' for Cordelia! This way people will associate me with something sweet!" says Cordelia.

She absently continues to the next student.

"Here's a chocolate..." she says, but when she sees it's Buffy she pulls her hand back. "Oh. I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote."

"Well, I-I don't even 'like' chocolates. Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times." says Buffy to herself.

Xander and Willow arrive.

"So, what's Cordelia up to?" he asks.

"Bribery. She's desperate to be May Queen." Buffy replies.

"Cordelia, man, she does love titles!" explains Xander.

"Oh, God! Remember in sixth grade with the field trip?" says Willow laughing hysterically.

"Right! Right! The guy with the antlers on his belt!" says Xander.

"Be my Deputy!" says Willow.

"And remember the, the hat?" he says.

"Oh God! The hat!" says Willow.

"Gee, it's fun that we're speaking in tongues." says Buffy.

"I'm sorry." says Willow calming down.

"It's just that we had this, uh... You had to be there." says Xander unable to explain it.

"It's not even funny." says Willow.

"Really." adds Xander unconvincingly.

"Uh, Cordelia just has a history of trying too hard." explains Willow.

"Yeah, what kind of moron would wanna be May Queen anyway?" asks Xander.

"I was." says Buffy, as she turns back to her locker.

"You what?" he asks.

"At my old school." explains Buffy.

"Oh! So the, uh, 'good' kind of moron would do that. The, uh, non-moron, I mean." he says trying to back track his comments.

"Well, we didn't call it 'May Queen', but we had the coronation, and the dance, and all that stuff. It was nice." explains Buffy, as she closes her locker and turns back and faces them.

"Well, you know, you don't need that anymore. You got us!" says Xander.

"Be my Deputy! Oh, God..." says Willow.

Buffy feels very left out. Suddenly Bud comes running down the hall with news about Mitch.

"Guys! C'mon! Mitch got whaled on! I think he's..." Bud tells them about Mitch.



Sunnydale High School, Gym.




Principal Snyder is talking to the students.

"Dead? Of course not. What are you, ghouls?" asks Snyder.

They all turn to look when the paramedics open the doors to the gym and wheel Mitch out.

"There are no dead students here. This week. Clear back, make room, all of you." says Snyder.

Buffy grabs the gurney and stops it.

"Mitch, what happened?" Buffy asks.

"I don't know. I, I heard something. I tried to grab a, a bat... that hit me." he says not believing what he's about to say.

"What hit you?" asks Buffy.

"The bat! By itself, the thing was floating, it knocked me out." explains Mitch.

The paramedics wheel him away.

"Come on. Let's go to the library.

"Where do you think you're going?" asks Snyder.

"... The library." says Xander.

"That's right. Get out of here. There's no need to contaminate the crime scene.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.




"Ah, here you are." says Giles as they come in. "I've heard about Mitch. Is he going to be all right?" he asks.

"Yeah. I think so. He got attacked in the boys locker room, and get this, by a floating bat.

"Maybe it's a vampire bat. I'm alone with that one, huh?" says Xander when he gets no response from anyone.

"Well, assuming the bat itself is not possessed, uh, there are a few possibilities that bear investigating. Uh, someone with telekinesis,
uh, the power to move objects at will, uh, uh, um, or possibly a poltergeist, might even be an invisible creature... Oh!"

"... Invisible... Marcie?!? No! It can't be her." says Willow.

"Have you seen her... I mean talked to her lately." asks Giles.

"Yeah this morning. We came out of the Library and there was that scene with Cordelia and Mitch... And they made Buffy feel bad..." says Willow.

"... Paybacks a bitch and it looks like Marcie was up at bat..." again no response. "Aw come on. That was good." he complains.

"It's not that funny Xander." says Buffy. "She could have killed Mitch." she says.

"Wouldn't be that big of a loss." says Stewie as she walk in, and presses a button that automatically closes the doors behind him. "I for one applaud her actions. They hurt us, we hurt them. Very simple. How else will the herd learn not to mess with us?" asks Stewie.

"We are not the mob!" declares Buffy.

"No! We're not. We're the Pack. We are so much more than a mere mob." Stewie tells his sister.


Sunnydale High School, Balcony.




Harmony finds Cordelia at the drinking fountain.

"Hi!" says Harmony.

"Oh, hi." replies Cordelia.

"Cordelia, you weren't in fifth period." says Harmony.

"I went to the hospital." says Cordelia.

"Oh, Mitch. How is he? Will he be okay?" asks Harmony.

"Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow. But... you should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone?" asks Cordelia.

"Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days. I'll ask Stewie." says Harmony, trying to be helpful.

"You think?" asks Cordelia.



Marcie's flashback.




Harmony finds Cordelia at the drinking fountain.

"Hi!" says Harmony.

"Hi! Did you see Mitch? He just broke up with Wendy eight seconds ago, and he's already nosing around." says Cordelia.

"It's shameless!" says Harmony.

"In the spring, if he makes varsity baseball, maybe I'll take him on a test drive." says Cordelia.

"Hi, guys!" says Marcie.

"What do 'you' want?" asks Cordelia.


End of flashback.




Cordelia and Harmony walk along the balcony toward the stairs.

"I just hope they can prop him up long enough to take the picture." says Cordelia.

"Cordelia, can I talk to you?" asks Buffy

Cordelia: Oh, great.

"Why is she always try... Uff!" says Harmony

She jerks backward and tumbles down the stairs. Buffy, Cordelia and others come running down after her. Principal Snyder saw it happen, too.

"Harmony!" shouts Cordelia.

"Oh, for heaven sakes! Clear back, everyone! Give her some air!" says Snyder. "You! School nurse, now!" he tells a student.

The student nods and scrambles to get the nurse.

"Ow! Oh, my ankle! It hurts." Harmony whines.

"What happened?" asks Buffy.

"Hey! Who's the principal here?" Snyder asks Buffy. "What happened?" he asks Harmony.

"She fell! She, she, we were standing at the top of the stairs and she just fell! All by herself!" says Cordelia.

"No! I was pushed!" she says out loud. "Damn Gremlin. I'm so gonna get you for this." she whispers to herself.

she hears laughter and footsteps going up the stairs. Buffy whispers "Marcie?"

"Yep." Marcie says into her ear. She almost jumps out of her skin, but Buffy controls her reaction.

Snyder bends down and touches Harmony's ankle.

"Ow!" Harmony shouts.

"Don't sue." says Snyder.

"What's in it for me?" she asks.

"We'll talk. My office." says Snyder.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.




Stewie looks at where Marcie's standing. He can't see the girl, but his other senses narrow down her location just fine. especially since she's not moving.

"I really don't appreciate what you've done to my Harmony." he says in a threatening voice.

"Payback. You do understand what that's all about? don't you?" asks Marcie.

"I do. You're lucky the damage was slight and that she'll recover quickly. She's part of your pack, if you have problems bring them to me.This is your one free shot. I do hope it's out of your system. You do not touch, or hurt the pack. Clear?" he asks.

"Clear. But if she comes looking for a bit of payback of her own, I can't guaranty my response." she says.

"I'll have a talk with her. But this ends here. You do not hurt anything I claim." he says.

"Okay. Hurt nothing you claim..." she confirms.

"If you're going to target others who have slighted you. Make sure I do not have any future interest in them as well." he tells her.

"What about Cordelia?" she asks.

"Free agent. But The Cordettes are mine. Stay clear." he commands.

"What about their boyfriends?" she asks.

"I have no interest with whoever they're seeing. Never touch Mister Giles. He's needed, plus I need The Cordettes to keep their new interest in him high. Do not interfere." he warns her.

"Why on earth would The Cordettes have an interest in Mister Giles?" she asks.

"Why on earth do you have an interest in Xander?" he asks in reply.

"Ah. Got it." says Marcie. "It's good to know where a girl can go..." she says, as her voice fades from the room.

Stewie puts on a pair of shades and follows her outline, as she leave the room. 'Yes. Well that was very productive. And these glasses are well worth the obscene amount of money that went into their production. Too bad They only work where I have a sensor net. Maybe I should set one up for the entire town, but the damn cost is too high.' he thinks, as Marcie closes the doors to the library behind her.

Stewie goes back into the stacks, he disappears into the dark corners where he goes into the more obscure books are hidden.


Some time later. Still in the Library.


Giles comes up the stairs and stops when he hears the music, too. The music stops, and he continues into the stacks. He
hears a squeaking and stops again.

"Who's there?" he asks.

After a moment he takes a few steps to a glass-enclosed bookcase and sees his reflection. He turns away and is startled by Angel standing
there. He looks back at his reflection but doesn't see one for Angel.

"A vampire casts no reflection." says Giles.

"Don't worry. I'm not here to eat." says Angel.

"Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore." says Giles.

"Not for a long while." replies Angel.

"Is that why you're here? To see her?" asks Giles.

"I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her." says Angel.

"A vampire in love with a Slayer! It's rather poetic! In a maudlin sort of way. What can I, uh... What can I do for you?" asks Giles.

"I know you've been researching the Master." says Angel.

"Yes, the vampire king. I've tried to learn as much as I can about him for the day that Buffy must face him." Giles answers Angel's question.

"Something's already in motion, something big, but I don't know what. You've read all the Slayer lore there is, right?" Angel reveals.

"I-I've studied all the extant volumes, of course. But the, uh, most salient books of Slayer prophecy have been lost. The Tiberius Manifesto, the Pergamum Codex..." Giles tells him.

"The Codex?" Angels asks interrupting Giles.

"It's reputed to have contained the most complete prophecies about the Slayer's role in the end years. Unfortunately, the book was lost in the 15th century." explains Giles.

"Not lost. Misplaced. I can get it." says Angel.

"That would be most helpful! Uh, m-my own volumes have... been rather useless of late." Giles admits.

Stewie hears everything from his corner. He wouldn't mind reading this Codex either. 'Hmm. I'm not sure, but this vamp is stating to earn his keep. He'll bear watching to be sure. Still I don't see what Buffy wants with a walking corpse. Maybe I should copy his mind and put it in a more appropriate body.' he thinks. 'Maybe not. I think that would break the spirit of my agreement with the powers.'


Sunnydale High School, Girls' Restroom, Marcie's second flashback.




She looks at herself in the mirror. Cordelia and her friends come in.

"God! I am never sitting through another one of those alumni lectures again. Two hours of 'My Trek Through Nepal'. Hello! There is nobody caring." says Cordelia to her flock.

"And did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it looks like a cabbage." says Marcie.

"And those slides! 'That's a mountain. That's a mountain, too. Now look at some mountains.'" says Cordelia ignoring Marcie.

"I swear, he had three slides and just used them over and over." replies Harmony.

"I know, but did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it was, like, the worst!" again Marcie tries to join their bitch session.

"We're talking, okay?" Harmony tells Marcie.

"Oh! And did you guys check out that extreme toupee? Yeah, that's realistic. It looked like a cabbage." says Cordelia.

They all laugh. Cordelia and The Cordettes leave the restroom. Marcie stays behind and feels very left out.


End of flashback.




"DAMN THEM!" Marcie screams at the top of her lungs. Her anger issues are still so unresolved.


Sunnydale High School, The Quad.




"The winner is Cordelia Chase!" Snyder declares from the stage that was setup for the occasion. "Let's bring up our new May Queen."

The students in the quad all applaud. Xander and Willow walk out of the crowd.

"Thank you for making the right choice, and for showing me how much you all love me. Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility, and I want you to know I take it very seriously." says Cordelia, as she gives her victory speech.

Buffy is leaning on a nearby pillar. Willow and Xander come up to her.

"It all began when..." Cordelia continues with her speech.

"So, Giles said you'd be here. Why are you being here?" he asks.

"I'm keeping an eye on Cordelia, I still think Cordy's the key."

"Why don't you just ask Marcie, why she's doing this?" asks Xander.

"Because, I can't find Miss Ross. She's been avoiding me." says Buffy.

"Huh!" says Xander. He takes out his PDA and punches a button. "Hey Marcie. It's Xander. Where are you?" he asks. "Girls washroom? 'Kay. Meet us in the quad when you can... 'Kay. See you then." he says putting his PDA away.

"You mean I could have done that... And since when did she get a PDA..." asks Buffy feeling stupid.

"Last night. Stewie made her an offer she couldn't refuse." says Willow.

"Ask not what your school can do for you, ask: Hey! What am I wearing to the Spring Fling?" Cordelia goes on with speech in the back round.

A few minutes later both Xander and Willow sniff the air and perk up.

"Marcie?" asks Buffy.

"Yes?" says Marcie.

"What are you doing? You've got to stop this rampage you're on before anyone gets hurt!" she demands.

"I've already had this discussion with Stewie... So spare me. You I don't have to listen to." Marcie tells her.

"But you'll listen to Stewie? Incredible..." she says.

"Well, what can I say. Money and power can influence most people." Xander tells her.

"..." Buffy fumes.

"You want anything else?" asks Marcie.

"Why? Are you planing on carrying out any more plans to bludgeon anyone else?" asks Buffy.

"No, but if I stay here any longer... I just might kill Cordelia. I can't listen to her voice without seeing red." confesses Marcie.

"I can relate to that." says Xander.

"Yep. I with you on that one girlfriend." says Willow agreeing with her.

"Get her out of here. I don't want to see anymore blood in my school. Understand?" says Buffy in a threatening voice.

"Why certainly Marshal Summers. Will that be all?" Marcie asks in a Texan accent.

"Yes-sum Marshal. Right on it mame." replies Xander as he grabs Marcie and drags her away. "We'll see you after geometry." he adds as they leave the quad.


Sunnydale High School, Hall.




Cordelia opens her locker and finds a dead rat with it's severed head on a plate. Blood pools around the rat's body.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cordelia screams at the top of her lungs. She slams the locker shut and runs away.

Students get out of her way.

One of the braver one opens the locker and peaks inside. He immediately throws up, and closes the locker.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.




Cordelia comes into the library and overhears her name.

Buffy and Stewie along with Giles, Xander and Willow are sitting around the research table discussing the Marcie and Cordelia situation.

"What? I knew you'd be here. Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers..." says Cordelia.

Willow and Xander can't believe that she just said that in front of them.

"Are you calling me a loser?" asks Stewie in a deceptively calm voice.

Cordelia thinks about that for a second and says, "No. Not you." she concedes. "Ooo! Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that
you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down..." she says to Buffy.

"Nausea?" asks Willow helpfully

"Somebody is after me! They just left me the severed head of a dead rat on plate in my locker. And Mitch! And Harmony?! This is all about me! Me, me, me!" she says.

"Wow! For once she's right!" admits Xander.

"So you've come to 'me' for help." asks Buffy.

"Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang." she says.

Buffy can't believe what she's hearing.

"Please! I don't have anyone else to turn to!" she adds.

Giles gets up and offers her a chair.

"Please. Sit down." says Giles.

"Okay. Thanks." says Cordelia.

"You know, I... I don't recall ever seeing you here before." says Giles.

"Oh, no, I have a life." says Cordelia.

"Okay. Cordelia, your attacker is an invisible girl." Buffy tells her.

"Who is really, really angry at you, which I... can't imagine personally, but it... takes all kinds, y'know?" says Xander.

"Well, I don't care what it is, just get rid of it!" replies Cordelia.

"Well, it's not that simple, it's a person, Her name is Marcie Ross." says Buffy. Stewie slides his laptop in front of Cordelia with a picture of Marcie. "Now, do you have any idea why she'd be so..."

"Oh, God! Is she really wearing Laura Ashley?" asks Cordelia staring at the picture.

"So homicidal?" adds Willow.

"I have no idea! I've never seen this girl before in my life!" she says.

"I would say that she's wigged on the whole May Queen thing. Maybe she's gonna do something about it. Maybe about you." says Buffy looking at Xander and Willow.

Xander shrugs. He could relate to Marcie's feelings where Cordelia was concerned, but he doesn't want either Marcie, or Cordelia to get in trouble.

"Stop the coronation tonight, maybe. Keep you guys away from the Bronze?" says Willow.

"Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight!" declares Cordelia.

"Uh, can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities?" asks Xander.

"If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me."

"Cordelia has a point." says Buffy.

"On her head." says Xander.

"Buffy's with me on this." says Cordelia.

"Anyway, continuing the normal May Queen activities may be the best way to draw Marcie out. We can use Cordelia as bait. It's time to get this settled once and for all. She can't keep on doing this." says Buffy.

Xander and Willow reluctantly agree. Stewie doesn't really care. Cordelia's not under his control, or protection. And Marcie's not going after anything he cares about. So he really has no interest either way.

"Great! Bait?" says Cordelia.

"C'mon." says Buffy.

"Well, I have to try on my dress. And am I really bait?" asks Cordelia.


Sunnydale High School, Hall.




Buffy and Cordelia are walking together.

"So, how much the creepy is it that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us? Learning our most guarded secrets? So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?" Cordelia asks Buffy.

"That about sums it up." says Buffy.

"Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely." says Cordelia.

"Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?" asks Buffy.

Cordelia stops Buffy, "Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say." she says.

"Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?" Buffy asks the May Queen.

"Well, it beats being alone all by yourself." Cordelia replies.

She continues down the hall. After considering that for a moment Buffy quickly follows.

Buffy opens the door and turns on the light. To the mop closet.

"If you ever tell to anyone that I changed in a mop closet...

"Your secret dies with me. Looks okay. But hurry." promises Buffy.

"Okay." says Cordelia

Buffy leaves the closet and closes the door behind her.

To be continued...
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